Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military life

When You Have Special Needs Kids With A Spouse In The Military

by 2 Comments

Having special needs kids adds an extra level of stress and hardship to a family. It simply isn’t easy when you have kids that require a little bit more help than others. Add military life onto that and sometimes it can feel like too much.

When You Have Special Needs Kids With A Spouse In The Military

We didn’t know we had special needs kids when my husband joined the military in 2005. Our son was 13 months old and it wasn’t until he was about 2.5 year’s old that he was diagnosed as developmentally delayed. We were in Germany at the time and my husband was deployed.

Our 2nd little boy was diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of five in 2012. We were at Ft. Campbell when this happened.

I am not sure what we would have done if we had known we would have two special needs kids during our time as a military family. Would we have decided it would have been too stressful? Would the benefits we knew we would receive cause us to join anyway? It’s so hard to say.

Over the years I have experienced what it is like to solo parent with special needs kids, to have to figure out who can watch my son when I don’t have family close by and how to make it through the unpredictability of this type of life with kids who don’t quite understand what is going on. It’s difficult and even though my husband is not active duty anymore, I am still trying to figure it all out.

When you do have special needs kids in the military, you need a good support system.

You will need people in your life you can call and depend on. Some days will be very difficult and knowing you have someone to call, even to just talk to is a must. If you don’t know anyone local, find someone you are close to that doesn’t mind a phone call every now and then. Just talking to someone who loves you and your children can help you get through a difficult period. Stay away from people who are just going to judge you. They are not worth your time and you shouldn’t spend too much energy worrying about what they are doing.

When you are married to someone in the military, there will be times that you have to be a solo parent, special needs or not.

It is so important that you take care of yourself during this time. Look and see what they have in your community or what you can do to help yourself. It might not be an easy thing to do and each person is going to have to figure it out but is so important. Even if it means taking a bubble bath after all the children are asleep, or binge watching a tv show or going to get coffee with a friend when everyone is at school. Find something to help you focus on yourself, even if it is just for ten minutes a day. You are a caregiver and all caregivers need breaks now and then.

You also need to make sure you are receiving the right benefits for your child. I was so thankful that when my son was first diagnosed with Asperger’s that we were able to start ABA therapy right away. This is a very expensive therapy but luckily Tricare paid for most of it. You need to be aware of changes with health care for your special needs child. They don’t always cover everything you need and sometimes you will have to fight for it. Sadly, some military benefits get taken away and that can hurt your special needs child.

Find other moms of special needs kids to connect with, either in person or online.

Being able to talk with others trying to raise their special needs kids in the military lifestyle is going to be good for you. You can vent together and help each other out. Some people know more than you do about the hurdles you might have to jump over in order to get what your child needs. EFMP, ABA, IEP, 504, etc, there are so many terms that are hard to understand. Talking to others who have been through it can help you understand more about the special needs military world and can become your support system.

Don’t let having special needs kids scare you if you are also a military spouse. Know that you are not alone and there is help out there for you. Know that you will have challenges but you can make it, one day at a time if you have to. Don’t forget about your own needs and find some good friends to support you.

Have you struggled having special needs children while having a spouse in the military? What have you done to make things easier for your family?

 

 

 

The Reality of Solo Parenting

by 3 Comments

The Reality of Solo Parenting

You know that your spouse will have to be away from you when they join the Military. You know that you will have to be alone with the kids. However, nothing can ever prepare you for what solo parenting will be like, how you will be able to handle the time away from your spouse and how hard it will be when they have to leave for months at a time.

The reality of solo parenting is that it will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

November 2005. That was the first time I was ever a solo parent. My son was 13 months old and my husband left for Germany. Assuming we would join him within a couple of months. Up until that time my husband had been there for everything. Every. Single. Thing. He worked a job where he left the house about 8:30 and was home about 6:30. He had the weekends off. Up until that time, the only days we had been apart were when I took my son down to my parent’s house for about a week.

But November 2005, all that changed when he joined the Army. I wasn’t naive and I knew I would have to be a solo parent. I knew he would be away sometimes.

I knew I would have to do it alone. However, I had no idea how hard that would really be.

I assumed it would be a bit easier than it has been. I was a babysitter for years, I knew how to handle children, right? Sure, I would have to do more but I could handle it, right? I would just have to find a good routine and we would be good, it would be like he wasn’t even gone. Right?

Wrong. That’s not how it went. Not for me anyways. We had adventures, we had good days filled with happy times with friends but at the end of the day it was me, solo with the kids. Me, doing everything that most households split.

Me, in charge, all day and all night.

It was me, pregnant me and a two-year-old. It was me, with a newborn and a husband in a war zone. It was me, trying to plan the days and the nights and weekends alone. It was me, trying to get through everything that I had to because my husband was a soldier. It was me who depended on friends and others because my own family was so far away.

The reality of solo parenting is that it is difficult and some days it does not feel like you will make it through. Other days will make you feel like you are failing this whole parenting thing. There is simply not enough patience or energy to do it all, there just isn’t. I have spent plenty of nights crying myself to sleep over everything. The exhaustion and the worry and the helplessness.

When you solo parent you end up becoming a different type of parent then you would be otherwise.

You don’t worry about certain things and you overstress about others. Like how much your kids are missing their father and if that will hurt them down the road. You might let them stay up a little too late or order pizza too many times.

The good thing about solo parenting in a military community is that other people get it. They understand and they have been there too. Other people can relate and know how difficult it can be to have to be mom and dad to your kids each and everyday.

For me personally, my solo parenting days are coming to an end. This makes me very happy. Although my children are older now and we are almost at the teen years, I am glad I don’t have to do them alone. I know that there are some that spend 20+ years in this life and they are able to do it with grace. Had that been my road, I am not sure if I could have handled it but who really knows? You never know how strong you really are until your faced with having to be as strong as possible.

I hope that what I have learned as a solo parent over the last 11 years can help me encourage others. I have been through it with babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school aged children and now a tween. Each stage comes with its own set of challenges. Each year was different. And when my husband has been home and we have been a two parent household, life got a little easier. I hung onto those times through the months of separation that left me as the only parent in the home.

My best advice is to take it one day at time, one hour at a time if you need to. Make plans, stay busy and find friends who get it. Know that you are not alone and that you won’t always be in this particular situation. Life goes on, children grow and things change. Be as strong as you can be and don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.

Military Life

Are you in a season of solo parenting? What is the hardest part about it for you?

10 Tips For A Better Military Marriage

by 8 Comments

10 Tips For A Better Military Marriage

Marriage can be hard, especially when your spouse is never home. I have been there. Military life is difficult and you need all the help you can get to help figure out the best tips for a better Military marriage.

Here are 10 tips I have to share about how to have a better Military marriage.

My husband has been in the Military in some form for the last ten years. We have three children, he has been deployed four times, we have moved about six times and have lived in five different cities.

Being in a Military marriage can add an extra level of stress to a marriage. Not all Military marriages make it through, but a lot of them do. There are a lot of great love stories between someone in the Military and their spouse. Military marriage is never perfect, what marriage is? But they do take a lot of work.

Here are some tips for a better Military marriage…

  • Be there for each other- This is the #1 thing you can do. Just be there. Over the course of your marriage, each of you will need each other in different ways. Checking in with one another is a great way to learn what is going on with your spouse and figuring out what they need from you at the moment.
  • Don’t assume anything- Assuming will get you into trouble. If you are not sure about something, just ask. This is your spouse, you should feel comfortable doing so. This is why communicating is so important. I think a lot of our struggles over the years have come from assuming different things about each other. The more we talk about how we are feeling about what is going on in our lives, the better we can move forward.
  • Don’t get jealous- This is hard, especially if your spouse is gone a lot. Other people get to be in the same place as your spouse and you don’t get to be. Try not to let it bother you. Talk things out if something doesn’t seem right. Remember, they are married to you and that is who they will be coming home to as soon as it is possible to do so.
  • Put yourself in their shoes- This is always a good thing to do. You never know what someone is going through or if you would act the same way if you were in their shoes. When your husband is deployed, try to imagine what it would be like to be him. To have to leave home for so long, trusting you with his home, his children and even his finances. It is a strange thing to think about sometimes.
  • Remember to trust– I really believe that in order to get through a deployment you need to have a lot of trust. I see it as this invisible thread that connects you. You just have to trust your spouse even when they are across the world. Without that trust, everything falls apart.
  • Talk things out- If you are angry with your spouse, talk it out. Stay up all night if you have to. I am not going to tell you to never go to bed angry because sometimes that happens, especially if you are only talking on a phone and someone has to go. Sometimes sleeping on an issue is a good idea. It just depends on the situation.
  • Hold hands- Keep holding hands, kiss often, give each other hugs. Doing this will bring your closer and remind you of when you first met. It’s a simple way to show your spouse you are still in it with them.
  • Date- Regular dates with your spouse are a great idea but they are not always possible. Sometimes they are just gone too much or working all the time. Other times you have small children and finding a babysitter feels impossible. Do what you can to date your spouse. Make a lunch date while kids are in school, plan a nice dinner after the kids go to bed, go on a walk with your baby in a stroller. Think about the different ways you can have a date even if it isn’t on a regular basis.
  • Tell them you love them- Don’t ever stop telling your spouse that you love them. Say it before you hang up the phone and before you go to bed each night. Write them a love letter. Speak their love language so they always know that you care.
  • Be silly with each other- Laugh, flirt, be silly when you can. There is something about laughing together with my husband after all these years that I just love.

When you are married to someone in the Military, it might be a bit harder to stay connected when they are away but that doesn’t mean your marriage will fall apart. If both of you can work on your marriage, if you can trust each other, you can get through anything Military life throws at you.

What would you add to this list for a better Military marriage?

Why You Should Live In Military Housing At Least Once

by 4 Comments

Why You Should Live In Military Housing At Least Once

When we went in to talk to a recruiter back in 2005, one of the things he told us that has always stuck with me was the advice to live in Military housing at least once. Being so new to the Military I really didn’t know what to expect. Our first duty station together was in Germany and it only made sense to live on post there.

We arrived in March of 2006 (can’t believe that was almost ten years ago) and moved into Army housing. They put us on the 3rd floor of a stairwell apartment in an older building that was very European. We got lucky because our unit had been redone recently and we had our own washer and dryer in our bathroom. For the units that didn’t, they had to do their wash in the basement. Our apartment was small and was on the 3rd floor but it seemed perfect to us at the time. At least, until we had another baby.

One of my first memories of Military housing was hearing two wives talk with each other across the road. It was loud and I couldn’t believe they were doing that. There were also a lot of parties late into the night and a lot of noise. I was not new to apartment living but Military housing was so different then anything else I had experienced.

There are good things about living in Military housing and bad things about living in Military housing. There are many benefits that I missed after we lived off post. There are other things I was glad to leave behind. Overall, I think the recruiter’s advice was right on. It is a good idea to live on post at least once. Why?

Why?

To be surrounded by the Military Community

When you live in Military housing, you will be surrounded by other Military families. Your kids will go to school with our Military kids. You will be more likely to shop at the PX and Commissary on a regular basis. You will get a good feeling for the Military community. This will stay with you for the rest of your time as a Military Spouse and that is a good thing. It will allow you to feel a part of everything even if you decide to live off post in the future.

To meet other Military families on a daily basis

Because you will be on post you will always be meeting new Military families. If you see a moving truck in your neighborhood, you don’t have to wonder if they are Military or not. It is easier for you to attend events on post and there you will continue to meet other people. If you are in need of more Military friends, living on post is the way to go. You will always be meeting people associated with the Military.

To know how a Military post works

One thing you will learn after living on a Military post is how it works. You will hear Reveille and Retreat in the morning and evening and will know what to do when you hear it. Your kids will know what to do. After living off post, I realized we are not usually on post when that happens and I miss hearing it. You will get used to watching the service members run around post during PT or going for a lunch break. You will get used to all of this during your time in Military housing and it will be nice to look back on that time with good memories.

To make life a little easier during deployments

Deployments are usually easier if you live on post vs off. This isn’t always the case of course but there is something to be said about living around people whose spouse is also deployed or who have been through it before. When we were in Schweinfurt, our first duty station, almost everyone there had their husband deployed at the same time. This mean we had more people to walk through the deployment with. It was something our whole community went through together. My deployments when we have lived off post were different and I just didn’t feel as connected to others going through the same thing.

If you are not sure if you should live on post or not, think about the benefits and how doing so can help you understand the Military and Military life in general. Some people do have really good experiences off post as well. It really depends on what you are comfortable with and what you want to experience as well as where you are stationed.

In the end, I would tell you to live in Military housing if you get the chance. If you hate it, you never have to do it again but at least, you will have had that experience.

 

Have you ever lived in Military housing? Did you like it? Hate it?

 

All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life

by 6 Comments

All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life

15 Months

11 Months

5.5 Months

6.5 Months

= 38 months or 3 years, 2 months.

This is how long my husband was gone on deployments. This does not count any of the other times he has been gone for non-deployment reasons.

WOW! Almost 3.5 years? I can’t even wrap my mind around that. I can’t. Looking back, we got through it. Sometimes just one hour at a time but we did it.

Sometimes I still break down over what he missed.

He missed so much. He kissed our 3-week old boy goodbye after meeting him just 2 weeks earlier and he did not see him again until he was almost one. He missed the whole first year of his life. That is a lot of time. If you have a baby, you know how different a 3 week old is from an 11-month-old. You know everything they go through in that time. All the stages and changes. My husband got to experience all of that through photos. That’s it. Just photos.

He said to me once that it was a weird feeling. Knowing you had a son out there that you loved but didn’t know at all. That broke my heart.

Was it worth it? I don’t know. I really don’t.

I don’t like to think about that. I don’t want to think about the politics of why he was there because it hurts too much. He joined the Army and did his job and THAT is why he was gone.

He has missed so much and for an involved father like him, I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I have been away from my boys for 10 days at the longest and I was SO ready to get back to them.

His first deployment was 15 months long. It was extended. It should have been shorter. He came home for R&R to be with me for the birth of our child but got there a few days late. That was okay. I was able to handle that but I knew I wanted him there for any future babies we were going to have. I didn’t want to have to give birth without my husband again.

To add to things, my husband didn’t join the Army until our oldest son was 13 months old. He didn’t miss anything with him. He was there for the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, the newborn months, watching him learn to roll, to sit, to stand.

What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?

Knowing that he got to experience that with my now 11-year-old and not with the 9-year-old still makes me tear up.

I think about the wives of soldiers during WW2. My Grandpa was gone for three years. They didn’t have kids at the time but other soldiers did. Can you imagine leaving you 2-year-old and seeing them again when they were 5? With only letters to get by? I can’t. That makes what we went through seem a lot easier.

I know we can’t beat ourselves up for all that he missed. We just can’t. It comes with Military life. It is normal for them to miss things. Other Military spouses get it. They have been through it as well. They understand how hard it can be too.

There are things you can do to make the distance a little easier. You can talk on video chat, send a lot of photos, talk on the phone, send care packages, etc. But at the end of the day, it is not the same as having them live in the same house with you and your children day after day.

As a Military spouse, you have to come to a place of accepting that your spouse will miss part of your kid’s childhood. You can’t always plan when they will be home. You can’t make sure that they will be there when you have a baby, when your child walks for the first time, when they start Kindergarten or when they graduate from high school. You might have to be there without them, take a few videos and some photos and share them with your spouse that way. You accept all of this as a part of Military life.

You can hope and pray that they won’t miss too many important things. They will be home sometimes. They will not be gone for all of their Military careers. Remember that when you feel frustrated about how much they have missed.

Think about the times you have had together, the experiences you have had because you are a Military family and the good that can come from standing by your spouse as they go through their Military career.

What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?

What You Should Do To Speed Up A Deployment

by 2 Comments

What You Should Do To Speed Up A Deployment

What You Should Do To Speed Up A Deployment

When a deployment first starts and you have the long stretch of days ahead of you, it might seem like you are never going to get to the end. You are sad and trying to get used to your new normal. All you want to do is stay in bed and cry away the day. But you can’t do that the whole time they are away. You have to live and you have to make plans. This is even more important if you have children. You can’t stay in your “cave” for the whole deployment.

So…you start to figure out how to do this deployment thing. You make plans and look ahead at the months he will be gone and know you will have to fill them. You will need time to pass. You need the deployment to speed up. But how?

Stay Busy

They tell you that the #1 thing you can do to get through a deployment is to stay busy and this is true. If your deployment is dragging, fill up your calendar and it will start to pick up. Even if it is something little and silly, put it on your calendar. You can include book releases, tv shows or just a trip to the park. Fill up your days so you won’t feel so alone and so that time passes and you can have some fun even if you still miss your spouse while you are having it. If you can, plan a trip. Go see a part of the country you have never been before, visit your parents, take a trip to the beach.

Work on projects

Projects are really going to help you speed up your deployment. Think about house projects, did you want to paint your bedroom? Make plans to do it. Want to catch up on your scrapbooks? Go ahead. Want to write a book? Maybe now is the time to do it. Think about all the things on your to-do list and get started on them. We always seem to have extra time during deployments and it is best to fill it with things that you want to do. Projects can allow you to get focused on something else and it is always a good feeling to finish something that you have always wanted to start.

Get together with friends

If you can plan to get together with friends during your deployment, time is going to go by a lot faster. Plan playdates, nights out, dinners together and even holidays. Plan for walks, start a book club and get your kids together. Find others that are missing their spouses and celebrate getting through the stages of deployment. Have a 100 days party and then get together to make homecoming signs when you know they are coming home. Stick together and know you have each other. The military members have battle buddies and the spouses need them to. They are the best way to get through a deployment, especially a long one.

If you feel stuck, feel like time is just not moving, take some time to make some plans. There is a lot you can to do to speed up the deployment. If you focus on other things, time will speed up, I promise. You will be glad you spent the deployment actually doing something instead of staying home and being sad the whole time.

Some people worry about having too much fun when their spouse has to be in a war zone. That can be hard to let go of but the truth is, it’s okay to have fun when they are gone. They should understand. They should know that you have to get through the deployment in whatever way that you can. If they don’t understand this and expect you to stay home the whole time, you need to have a talk. It isn’t fair to you and it wouldn’t be a good way to get through a deployment.

What have you done to speed up a long deployment that didn’t seem like it was going to end???

Want a Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

Saying Thank You To The Military This Holiday Season

by Leave a Comment

“This post was sponsored by the MetLife TRICARE Dental Program as part of an Ambassador Program for Influence Central.”

Saying Thank You To the Military During the Holiday Season

Being a Military family during the holidays can be difficult. That is why is it so important to remember those people who are serving during this time of year. Sometimes they are home and are able to spend some time with their families and other times they are far away, missing their spouses, children, and other family members during a time when most people get to spend the holidays together.

It is so important to thank our service members throughout the year but especially during the holiday season. There are a lot of great ways to do this. I know for our family it is important to be there for others when they are missing someone during the holidays. When someone is overseas and away from their families it is nice to know that their spouse has friends to depend on back at home.

Care packages can go a long way as well. I enjoyed getting packages together to arrive in time for Christmas when my husband was away from us because of the Military. I knew he would be able to share some of what I sent with others in his Unit. I also remember receiving a few care packages myself and they really helped me feel better during my husband’s deployment. Small things like that can go a long way in helping say thank you to the members of the military and their families.

If you do not know any Military members personally, you can give in other ways. We have been able to give to different Military organizations that help the Military in different ways. From Christmas presents to helping those who have been injured. Take some time to look around your community and see where you can help those who serve. Even the smallest of donations can go a long way in helping the Military community.

MetLife also wishes you a happy holidays!

It is important to maintain good dental care, even during this time of year. The TRICARE Dental Program benefit includes the recommended cleanings twice a year, three times a year for those who are pregnant or people with diabetes. Two fluoride treatments are also covered within each consecutive 12-month period.

It is important to know that the TDP offers a network of over 250,000 locations worldwide. You can visit the website to find a dentist near you if you don’t already have one.

In the National Guard and Reserves? If you are enrolled in the TDP, network dentists can complete the Department of Defense Active Duty/Reserve Forces Dental Examination form -DD Form 2813 for them which will be done at zero cost.

Additional Resources:
2015 Winter Health Matters Newsletter:
MetLife TDP website: www.metlife.com/tricare
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MetLifeTDP
Twitter: https://twitter.com/metlifetdp

What is your favorite way to say thank you to the Military???