Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

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To The Military Spouse Whose Spouse Just Left For Basic

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To The Military Spouse Whose Spouse Just Left For Basic

Maybe this was the plan. You would get married, and they would leave.

Maybe this was never the plan. You have been married for five years, and now they are going to join.

Whatever the case might be, saying goodbye to your spouse going off to basic training is a big deal, filled with so many different emotions.

You might be sad, even though this was something you wanted to do too.

You might be worried, knowing that eventually, they might have to go to war.

You might be anxious, having to be alone for the first time since you have been together.

All of these feelings are normal and expected. They come with sending a spouse or even a boyfriend or girlfriend off to join the military. This season in your life is going to feel pretty complicated, but you don’t have to go through it alone.

So, to the military spouse whose spouse just left for basic, to the military spouse whose husband just left for Fort Moore, to the military spouse whose wife just left for Fort Jackson…welcome to military life.

You, as a military spouse have started a new journey. One your friends and family might not totally understand. One you might not understand.

There will be lonely nights, but there will also be love letters.

There will be days when you can’t help but cry, but there will be days when you smile with pride when you first see your soldier in uniform.

There will be times when you question if you are cut out for this, and there will be days when you know in your heart you were.

As a new military spouse, everything can feel so overwhelming. What is DEERS? Where do you go to get your first ID? When will you see your service member again?

Know that you don’t have to know everything right away. I don’t even know everything after 14 years, and there is still so much I could learn. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, which can also be a great way to get to know other people.

Stay busy. Whether it is during basic training, AIT, or a future separation or deployment. Staying busy is going to be the key.

Make friends. Be friendly, and be open to meeting new people. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, you are going to need friends in your new life.

If you are not near a duty station, join an online group, and then when you do get to your first duty station, make plans to get out there and get to know your new community.

Don’t be afraid to cry and let things out. Military life means you might have to do that sometimes. Military life means you might not be able to always keep it all together.

So, to the military spouse whose spouse just left for basic, try not to second guess your decision. The decision to follow the person you love through this new life. The decision to become a military spouse.

There will be times when you will step back with wonder of all you have seen and done since your spouse joined the military. There will be times when you can support other spouses because you have been through it too. There will be times when things don’t feel so new and so scary. I promise.

If you have children, military life means solo parenting and basic training might be your first taste of that. The idea of being both mom and dad, even for a few months can be completely overwhelming. You might never have had to solo parent before, not even for a weekend.

But you will find that you will figure out how to solo parent like a boss. You might have to throw out some of your ideas, you might have to change the way you do certain things, but you will figure out what works best for you and your kids.

That might be pizza nights every Friday with a neighbor and their kids. That might mean putting off potty training a few months until your spouse is back home with you. That might mean having to rely more on friends and family than you are used to.

Basic training is going to be your first experience as a military spouse. This season is going to be hard for both of you. Remember too, basic training is not the same as regular military life.

Once your spouse gets orders to their first duty station, you will be able to move there. Sometimes this can happen quickly, and other times, especially overseas, it can take more time. But once you get there and start to get settled, your life will feel a little more normal.

If they are not deployed, or away at training, they will probably go to work every day and be home at night. They should have weekends and holidays off, and sometimes even a three or four day weekend during the year. There will be family time and time to be a couple.

This will of course change if they do deploy or have to go away for training. You might also be apart before and after a PCS and CQ means 24-hour duty. Keep this in mind when they do leave for basic and you are feeling like you will never be able to see them again or that your life will never include anything normal again. That simply isn’t true.

So, to the military spouse whose spouse just left for basic…know, you got this.

However long they will be away from you, you got this.

However difficult this new military life journey may seem, you got this.

You are strong enough for this life, even if you have to take it one day a time. You are strong enough for when they are away at basic training, and any future deployment or separation. You are strong enough and you don’t have to go through this alone.

If you are just starting your military spouse journey, make sure to take a look at my blog posts on deployments, and posts on other parts of military life. You don’t have to walk this road alone.

When Their Job Comes First

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The Military Has to Come First

We hear so often not to put your job before family. We hear so often that you should find a family-friendly workplace. We hear so often that these things are important, and they are, they really are.

But…

For the military spouse, married to a service member, their job has to come first. Sometimes at the worst time. Sometimes at the time you really need them.

The truth of the military is that the Army, or the Navy, or the Marine Corps, or whatever the branch has to come first.

The truth is, the military shakes up your life when you don’t want anything to do with the military at that moment.

When Their Job Comes First

The truth is, your spouse might have to go, go overseas, fight in a war, and they will have to go.

No matter how much they love you.

No matter how much they want to stay.

No matter how many other times they have had to be away.

When you married your service member, you knew they would be gone, you knew they wouldn’t always be with you. But the reality that the military does come first isn’t always easy to take.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a child get diagnosed with autism.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a miscarriage or other loss.

Sometimes a deployment will come right when a spouse is trying to heal from something that they feel they need their spouse there for.

Sometimes the timing just isn’t right, but there isn’t a lot you can do about that. The job has to come first.

There are times when things can be changed. There are compassionate reassignments. Commands can hold people back for a few months from a deployment. They can send them home early in some circumstances. But none of that is promised. None of that is 100%.

And trying to come to terms with everything isn’t easy. Trying to be “okay” with the military coming first isn’t easy. Figuring out ways to get through these difficult times isn’t easy.

Here are a few things you can do to help when you know the job has to come first.

Find a good support system

Basically, find your people. Both online and IRL. Find people who support you, and love you. They will be the ones to help you through.

Remember why they joined

When you are feeling really down about everything military related, remember why they joined the military in the first place. Remember why they enlisted. Thinking about all of that can put things in perspective.

Make a detailed plan

You might be going through something you need your spouse there for, but the military has to come first. So, what will you do about it? Who will you go to instead? You will need to come up with a plan.

Figure out what will make things easier for you. That could be hiring a babysitter once a week, starting a new workout plan, or creating a list of services you can call when the need arises.

Since we are all different people, our lists might not look the same, but making a good list of how you will get through this time is important.

Remember, even though the job or the mission has to come first, there are also periods of time when the family does. Maybe this is block leave after a deployment, or having your soldier stay home a few extra weeks to be there for the birth of your baby.

There are times when they will be home early and have days off. Remembering these moments isn’t always easy, especially when you are not currently living them but, they will come again, I promise.

What is the best way to handle the disappointment of when the job has to come first? What do you do to help you through?

Did You Know About This Target Military Discount?

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One question you might have is if Target has a military discount. And they technically do!

Target is one of my favorite stores. We usually always end up there on date nights, just to walk around and pick up a few things. There is just something about that place that draws you in.

One of my earliest memories of the place was going there with my Dad and buying a watch with my allowance. The watch had different covers you could change out and I thought it was the coolest thing in the world. As an adult, Target is a must stop each and every week!

One question you might have is if Target has a military discount. And they technically do!

While Target doesn’t have a regular military discount, they do offer them during the year. They started offering a 10% military discount in November for Veterans Day. They have also added the 10% military discount around the 4th of July.

The discount is available for US members of the military, veterans, and their family members, including military spouses. You can use the Target military discount online and in person.

How do you get the Target military discount?

You would need to sign up through Target Circle. If you shop at Target, you should be signed up for Target Circle anyway. Through this program, you can save money and earn rewards. It’s a lot of fun when you go to place a Target order and see you have $5.00 in rewards to use. You would verify your military affiliation through Target Circle and then be able to use your military discount.

What is the Target military discount?

The Target military discount is for 10% off of your purchases. Keep in mind that there are some exclusions so you won’t be able to use the discount on everything. However, it would be a good time to make some purchases to save a little bit of money. You can use it on two qualifying storewide purchases.

When is the Target military discount?

As I said above, the Target military discount isn’t all of the time. You can find the discount in November and for this 4th of July, you can use the discount from June 23rd through July 6th.

What else does Target do for the military community?

Target has been a supporter of Blue Star Families’ Welcome Week. This is a week that is dedicated to welcoming families into their new communities. In addition, Target also has a Military Business Council which provides resources and support to Target employees who have a connection to the military.

Where else can I use a military discount?

There are many different stores that offer a military discount during the 4th of July. Walgreens and the Academy typically have them. Stores like Lowe’s and Home Depot have a regular 10% military discount, and Kroger in the Fort Campbell area offers 10% off every Wednesday.

Happy 4th of July and happy Target shopping!

The Truth About Seeing Your Spouse Again After A Deployment

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The Truth About Seeing Your Spouse Again After A Deployment

In the summer of 2009, I waited in an airport terminal in a fancy dress and heels. I never wear heels but this was a special day. My husband was flying in from Iraq for a two-week R&R during his year-long deployment. My boys and I were in California visiting my family, and that is where he was going to spend his R&R.

I was waiting at the airport, staring at the escalator that brought down the arriving passengers. Had it been ten years earlier, had 9/11 never happened I could have watched him get off the plane. But this was as far as I could go in our post-9/11 world.

Men and women came down with their backpacks and small bags of luggage, but I waited. And then, at the top of the stairs, I saw the first part of the uniform, and I knew it was him. We hadn’t seen each other for about nine months. As soon as I saw his face, I ran to him, heels and all.

I could hear all the other people in the airport when they realized what was happening, that a soldier was meeting up with his wife after time apart.

I heard cheers and claps as I ran right into his arms. This was bliss. This was what amazing meant. This was how things were supposed to be, both of us, in one another’s arms, husband, and wife together again.

I took off my heels as soon as we got into the car and started to relax. My parents had our boys, and we would see them again in the morning. This day, it was for me. Just for my husband and me. We got a local hotel and spent that first night together after so many months apart.

The strangest thing after a deployment is the feeling that you don’t know one another like you used to, like you did before they left.

This is a scary feeling. You guys have been living apart for quite a while. You both have changed. You are both not the same as you were the day that they left. This is normal.

That first day of R&R we decided to spend some time at a local outdoor mall. We walked around the stores and things felt weird. It was similar to how one would feel on a first date. Here was this man, this guy, he loved me and I loved him but things didn’t feel 100% familiar, not like they normally do.

I knew this feeling would fade. That time would pass and he would feel like home again. That’s what happened. I know we are lucky. That feeling doesn’t always come back for everyone.

That R&R we spent a lot of family time together and we were able to spend a few days on an anniversary trip to Catalina Island. We had gone there for our honeymoon and were now able to be back on our anniversary. Somehow that worked out despite crazy military schedules.

Two weeks went by and he had to go back as they do after R&R. I dropped him back off at the airport. This time we would be apart a little over two months.

That didn’t seem as bad. We could do it. Luckily that deployment didn’t get extended, but it was always a worry.

He came home that November and we started the process of moving back to the US from Germany. Another deployment was done, completed. So many years have passed since that summer and I can still remember so much about how I felt when he came home, how nice R&R was, and how hard saying goodbye at the end of R&R was.

The truth is, deployments can hit you hard. They can mess with you. They can cause you to think things about your relationship that simply are not true.

The time after deployment isn’t always bliss, in fact, for most people, there is always something to work through. Being away from your spouse isn’t easy and can take a lot of time to get back to any type of normal. Some couples have to work through so much. Some couples can’t get past it.

The truth is, a deployment is a difficult situation you and your spouse will have to go through. And for a lot of military spouses, you will have to go through them more than once.

You have to work hard, you have to work on your marriage, and you both have to be understanding of what you both have been through while you were apart.

If you are towards the end of your deployment, know that homecoming is probably going to be a good day. You will get your spouse back. You will no longer be married to your phone or your computer. Your real-life husband or wife will live with you again.

But also know that the after deployment road won’t always be easy. Homecomings look so amazing, and they can be, but once you get home, that is when the real work begins.

Be open, be honest, and seek help if you need to. This after deployment readjustment period can be filled with ups and downs. You have to get to know each other again, you have to work with what happened over there, things are not going to back to normal right away.

And your after deployment struggles could be different from other military couples. What you and your spouse struggle with can be different from what other couples struggle with. Don’t compare, and try to figure out what help you and your own spouse might need.

What are your best tips for reintegration after a deployment? What would you tell a spouse who is worried about what will happen after their service member comes home? 

Pregnant During Deployment: How to Make Life Easier

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This post is sponsored by the Breastfeeding Shop!

Pregnancy During Deployment: How to Make Life Easier

I was 25 weeks pregnant with my second child when my husband deployed for the first time. I also had a two year at home. And we lived on the 3rd floor of a stairwell apartment. This created a bit of challenge for me, especially as the pregnancy went on.

Pregnancy in general isn’t easy and not having my husband around to help added to it. But I did what I could, had to get creative sometimes, and made it through. For example, I knew I couldn’t go up and down those stairs multiple times a day so I would get a couple of bags of groceries every few days and that made things a lot easier. It helped to have access to a close Commissary to be able to make that work.

Here are a few things you can do to make life a bit easier if you are pregnant during a deployment:

  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Others in the community have been when you have been and many would love to help you out in one way or another. Anything from offering used clothing to watching an older child during prenatal appointments. Finding your support system is a must!
  • Take classes. Most duty stations will offer classes on childbirth and parenting. These classes can help you feel more at ease when it comes to preparing to give birth and then raising your baby.
  • Ask family or good friends to come visit and help you. I know asking for help is hard but if you have anyone that might be able to come help you, even if for a few days, that can ease some of the stress. I was thankful to have my mom come out for two months to be there during the birth and then after the baby was born.
  • Stay organized. There is a lot to do to prepare for having a new baby. You will want to stay organized whether it is keeping track of all your appointments, what you still need to buy before they get here, or just what you need to do on a day to day basis.
  • Breathe. I know that being pregnant during a deployment without a partner in the house is overwhelming but you can get through this. Let go of some of your expectations. You won’t be able to do everything. Give yourself grace for getting done what you can.

When you are pregnant, your body changes in so many ways. And sometimes you need a little extra support, especially as you get closer to your due date.

Compression garments for your pregnancy

The Breastfeeding Shop, known for a great place to get your FREE breast pump, also offers a selection of compression garments to help you feel better during your pregnancy.

You can find:

Pregnancy Support Bands

Pregnancy Support Bands and Pregnancy Support Braces which help improve posture and reduce pain, Pregnancy Compression Socks and Maternity Support Hose which help prevent swelling and discomfort, and V-Sling Pelvic Support Bands.

Maternity Support Hose

TRICARE will cover prenatal support garments and maternity compression hose and socks.

These products can help you feel a little better during those last few months before the baby comes.

When it comes to what you need for baby, beyond the breast pump you can get a range of breastfeeding supplies. Many are covered by TRICARE too!

TRICARE covers the following supplies:

  • A breast pump kit
  • Power adapters
  • Tubing
  • Tube Adapters
  • Locking rings
  • Bottles
  • Bottle caps
  • Storage bags
  • Valves and membranes
  • SNS (Supplemental Nursing System)
  • Nipple shields and splash protectors

You can begin getting breast pump supplies before delivery, starting at 27 weeks, up to three years after the birth event.

The Breastfeeding Shop is the perfect place to get your free breast pump, breast pump supplies, and maternity support garments. They make it easy to order what you need and you can upload your prescription right on the website.

The Breastfeeding Shop is a family owned business who offers a range of supplies for whatever a new mom or a breastfeeding mom needs to nourish their babies. Visit them for all of your breast pump and breastfeeding needs.

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

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5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

Over the years I have heard from military spouses that they are either afraid to make friends with other military spouses, because of how they assume they will be treated, or have even tried to do so and not been successful at it. That they can’t seem to find their people, or that they keep running into others that don’t seem very friendly or welcoming at all.

This sucks.

I strongly believe that you need friends to get through this military lifestyle. But I also know that it isn’t always easy to do. I know that not everyone is friendly and that finding people to connect with can be frustrating.

And maybe part of it is believing things that simply are not true? Maybe part of it is assuming things that are not true about military friendships in general?

While I do think it is possible for someone to find themselves in a place where it seems that there are no friendly people around them, I also know that there are so many of us military spouses out there that are friendly, want to connect and are not the type to insult someone they just met. Trust me. 

Maybe you won’t agree with me, maybe your experiences are very different than mine, but here are 5 myths about military friendship that simply are not true that we need to let go of to find friendship in the military community:

The Myth: Spouses are overly concerned about rank.

The Truth: Very few military spouses care what rank your spouse is.

If there is a hesitation, it is usually in good faith, when a spouse worries about being able to include you in everything. For example, if you are the wife of a higher ranking soldier, can you invite your friend, and her entire family to your son’s birthday party at your home? These kinds of situations can be a bit sticky if both of the soldiers are in the same unit.

But in the end, it doesn’t matter who your friends are, or what rank their spouse is. You friend people who you get along with and if someone does want to give you the stink eye because of it? Well, they probably wouldn’t be a good friend anyway.

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

The Myth: It’s not worth friending someone who is going to be PCSing again soon.

The Truth: It is worth it, and can lead to life-long friendships.

While it is so nice to make friends that will live near you for years and years, if you meet the right person, don’t be scared off because they have a PCS date. There are ways to stay connected over the miles if both of you are willing to do so. And you never know when you might end up at the same duty station again in the future.

The Myth: You have to make friends with people your own age.

The Truth: You can form friendships with people who are older and younger than you are.

While it is always nice to have friends around your age, befriending people who are younger or older than you are can be a good thing. You can always learn from someone who is in a different stage of life that you are in.

Don’t get stuck on the actual age of a potential friend. If you are able to connect with them, do so. You will be better for it.

The Myth: If you don’t have kids, you won’t make friends, because everyone in the military community has kids.

The Truth: Not everyone in the military community has kids.

While there are a ton of families with kids in the military community, not everyone has them. Some couples choose to stay childless, others are waiting for a few years to start having children. Some are struggling with infertility, and others have adult children no longer in the home.

There are so many different people in the military community in all different stages of life. Don’t give up on finding friends because you assume everyone is a certain way because that simply isn’t true.

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

The Myth: You won’t find anyone you can click with.

The Truth: It can take time, but you can find your people.

Finding people you click with won’t always be easy, and sometimes finding new friends can seem near impossible. But, you will be able to find your people if you keep putting yourself out there. Keep trying, be friendly, and use online resources if you need to.

I know being shy can be hard. To walk into a room full of people you don’t know and introduce yourself can be way too scary, but you can find ways to meet others that are comfortable for you.

Here are some ideas on how to work to make friends, and to find your people:

Finding Meaningful Friendships In Military Spouse Life

The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

10 Of The Best Places To Make Friends When You Are A Military Spouse

And make sure to join my blog’s Facebook group. Filled with military spouses of every branch, stationed throughout the US and OCONUS locations.

While everyone’s friendship journey is a little different, try to remember the friends you have met in the past. How did you guys connect? What bonded you?

Make sure you are putting yourself out there, and don’t give up. You can find your people.

To The Military Spouse Who Is Afraid Of The Unknown

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Not knowing what to expect is scary! I am a big planner, and I hate when things are up in the air. I want to know what is going to happen and when. And if you tell me a date for when something is supposed to happen, I want that date to stick. I don’t want the date to change.

I also want to know that everything is going to work out okay and that everything will figure itself out. Well, life, especially military life doesn’t work this way. I learned this lesson pretty quickly.

My husband re-enlisted in the Army, and he was sent to Germany. We had to wait to join him to get Command Sponsorship, which would allow me and my son to stay in Germany long term. I had been told this would take a month. In the end, we had to wait 4.5 months to join him.

Every day I would do my part to get us over there. That might be turning in paperwork or following up on some. Unfortunately, not everyone was doing the same, or so it seemed. It felt like my paperwork, that just needed a quick signature, was just sitting on someone’s desk for weeks and weeks. I didn’t understand why things were not happening the way I thought they should.

As I look back, I have to laugh. This is just what the Army does. There is paperwork, and you have to wait for it, sometimes for a very long time.

To The Military Spouse Who Is Afraid Of The Unknown

Things don’t flow the way you expect them to and plans change all the time.

My next big lesson was when my husband’s first deployment went from 9 months to 12 to 14 to 15. Our homecoming date changed so much I lost count. But in the end, my husband came home, and that deployment ended.

So to the military spouse who is afraid of the unknown, know, you are normal. A lot of us are terrified of what is going to happen next. But we have learned to understand that military life is all about the unknown.

We don’t always know when they will leave for a deployment. Will it be before or after the baby is born? We don’t know.

We don’t always know when we will PCS to our next duty station. Will it be before summer starts or after? Will we have to pull our kids out of school?

We don’t always know when our spouse will need to head for that school he has been on the list for. Will he go over Christmas? Or sometime in January?

To The Military Spouse Who Is Afraid Of The Unknown

During deployments, the fear of the unknown can take our breath away.

Will my husband come home to me? What if he is one who doesn’t? What will I do?

Will my spouse be injured? Will they come back the same person? Will I be the same person when they return?

Military life is one unknown after another. Even after you have been waiting for something and received an answer, that answer could still change.

So military spouse, try not to be afraid of the unknown. Try to embrace it.

Whether that means stepping out of your comfort zone to make friends in a place you never thought you would go or making the best of a crappy deployment. Embrace what this life gives you. From the people, you meet to the places you get to explore.

Do what you can each day that is in within your control and let the rest go. Breathe. Reach out. Don’t be afraid to try something new.

While the unknown will always be apart of your military life, you don’t have to let your fear of it take over. Remember, most things do get resolved, even if they take longer than you want them to. Deployments end, PCS orders get cut, and you will find the flexibility you need to handle all of these changes.

How you do handle the unknowns of military life???

What To Appreciate About Military Spouses

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The Friday before Mother’s Day is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. A day to recognize military spouses, and appreciate all that they do, standing by their service member.

Military spouses are not all the same, and we are all on our own military journey. Some of us are more seasoned, and have been doing this over a decade, or even over two or three. Some of us have only been doing this life for a few years, and things still feel so new.

During my time as a military spouse, there have been plenty of things I have learned to appreciate about other military spouses. There are some amazing people in this community doing such amazing things.

What To Appreciate About Military Spouses

Military Spouse Are Creative

Military spouses use their creativity for good. They start groups and clubs when there are not any around. They send care packages overseas, with all types of themes. They take lemons and turn them into lemonade, and figure out how to get through what they need to get through, during this military life.

Military Spouses Are Patient

Military spouses have to be patient, even when we really don’t want to be. We have to wait for deployments to start, wait for deployments to end. We have to wait to PCS, and those orders can take forever.

We have to wait to go home and see our families, and we have to wait for R&R. Being patient doesn’t always come easy but we do it anyway because we have to, and we want to support our spouse in their military career.

Military Spouses Are Giving

I have seen so many military spouses give their time and even money over the years. If a military spouse loses their partner overseas, the military community is there to step up. If a military spouse needs extra support, other military spouses are there to listen to them vent. When military spouses see an issue, they work to fix that issue, because they know how doing so will benefit all of us.

Military Spouses Have So Much To Offer

From volunteering for the FRG, to going back to school to further their own careers, military spouses have so much to offer. Each of us is unique and can bring our strengths to the military community. We have so much to offer, both the military community and the civilian communities we find ourselves in.

Military Spouses Are Unique

I love listening to other military spouse’s stories. We all came to this life in our own way. Some of us married in, and some of us were with our spouses when they enlisted. We come from different places, and might even speak different languages. Some of us have children, and some of us don’t.

I love how unique the military community is. We can all come together, no matter the branch, or the MOS, and know we are all in this together. We are all supporting a service member and even if we are different in other ways, we have that in common.

Think about all the things you appreciate the most about your fellow military spouses. Let me know in the comments what they are.