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When Your Spouse Wants to Join the Military, But You Are Not So Sure

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When Your Spouse Wants to Join the Military, But You Are Not So Sure

So your spouse is thinking of joining the military?

When I married my husband, the Army was a part of his past. He had served in the military when he was younger, and that was before my time. He had stories and photos, and that was about it. We were married as civilians and started our life together.

But the funny thing about life is you never know where you might end up. You never know where the road might take you. And even though I married my husband not thinking about being a military spouse, a few years later, that’s exactly what I became.

After being married for over three years, my husband re-joined the Army, and we became a military family. Everything seemed to change when that happened. Everything about our future, our children and future children, and how our life would play out changed.

Now, some military spouses marry their service member after they have already joined the military. Some get married right when they joined. But there are many of us who were with their service member before they decided to join.

You may be in a place where your spouse or partner is thinking about joining the military. And this is making you a bit nervous. They want to join the military but you are not totally sure. The military is a whole new world and you could be having a few reservations about the decision to join.

This is totally normal. Joining the military can lead to some major changes in your life. When your spouse signs up for the military, you might have to move far away, you might have to find a new job, and your life might feel like it has been turned upside down.

The truth is, if you are already together before the military, you both need to be a part of the decision to join. You need to have discussions about what joining will mean, and how life might have to change. Because, yes, life is going to change.

Here are a few things you can do if your spouse has decided they want to join the military or if they are starting to ask questions about the process:

Ask your questions

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. You might have some fears or worries about what military life will be like, and it is best to seek out answers. The more you know about what you are getting into, the better.

Have some serious discussions about what your spouse has in mind when they join the military. Will this be a big career change or something they want to try for a few years? Sometimes, they might not even know but feel they need to at least try it to find out.

Remember, everyone’s military life looks different

Before my husband joined the military, I thought I had an idea of what our years as a military family would look like. But I never could have predicted the reality.

You can talk to other military spouses about their experiences to get an idea of what to expect, but keep in mind that your reality might be different. Even the amount of times your spouse will be deployed during a given amount of time can be all over the place based on what is going on in the world, your spouse’s job in the military, and where they are stationed.

You are stronger than you think

One of the biggest lessons I have learned as a military spouse of almost 16 years is that I am much stronger than I think I am. When this whole journey started, I didn’t think I could ever be a solo parent. I found the idea impossible.

But I realized quickly that what once has seemed impossible was actually possible. Is it always easy? No, solo parenting is very challenging and some days, it does feel impossible. But us military spouses get through those times. We have to.

So while you might fear that you are not capable of this, you might actually be able to get through the challenging parts of military life. We rarely feel we can conquer the mountains of military life, but we do.

Plan to make friends

If your spouse does go on to join the military, plan to make friends. You will need them. These other spouses who get how a deployment might go, or what moving every three years is really like.

As you join the military community you will be able to find mentors and other seasoned spouses who have been there. You will be able to connect with others and find your own “battle buddies.” You will make memories with these other military spouses, and they will become the best part of your military life.

Take it all day by day

In many parts of military life, you will have to take things day by day. This starts from day one when they leave for basic training.

There is so much to this life, and so many changes, that each day can be different from the next.

Try not to sweat all the small things, and look forward to the future. There are so many amazing parts to being a military spouse. Military life is truly the good mixed with the bad.

If your spouse wants to join the military, take this request seriously. Talk things over, and see if this is something you can support your spouse on.

Each family is different, and joining the military might not be the best choice for every family. But if you and your spouse decide that joining is the right choice, know you have a big community of other military spouses out there to help you through. You got this!

When Your Spouse Deploys

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When Your Spouse Deploys

When you are married to a service member, you know the time will come; you know that they will eventually deploy. If they haven’t yet, you know they will and while you might know this is all coming, hearing those words are never easy.

They come home from work one day, walk in the door, and by the look on their face, you know what they are going to say.

There have been rumors, the other military spouses talk. You knew a deployment might happen, but you hoped they wouldn’t leave until next year. When your kids were not as young, when you had less on your plate, when the timing seemed better.

But is there ever a good time for a deployment?

“I have some news,” he says. “What is it?” You say, now is not the time to beat around the bush.

“We are deploying.”

“Okay.” You are not sure how to respond. You are shocked. You are not shocked. You want more details, and so you ask for them. He tells you that it will probably be in June, next June, unless they send him early in May, or even April and there is a slight chance he won’t have to go until late July, even August.

Your brain tries to go to the next year. Wasn’t that when you were finally going to take the kids to Disneyworld? Guess that will have to wait. You also wanted to start school? Go back and finish your degree, but is a deployment the right time to do so? Maybe, maybe not.

“Okay,” you say, because you can’t say anything else, you are still trying to process everything.

You are still trying to figure out what you are going to do and how you are going to get to a place where you can handle this.

When Your Spouse Deploys

“It’s still four months away,” he says. And you know that. He isn’t leaving tomorrow. You still have plenty of time. But you also know that time will go by too fast, as it always does. That four months isn’t that long.

You are now in pre-deployment mode, even if the deployment doesn’t seem real. Your emotions change, you start to feel like you are more in survival mode than you were before. You worry more about the kids, calculating how old they will be when he leaves and when he is supposed to get home.

And then time passes. He starts to get his things together. Military stuff everywhere. You don’t want it in your living room, but that is where he has to pack.

And one day, his military stuff is gone. And you know he will soon follow.

It’s now the week before the deployment. He is leaving. Earlier than you wanted, later than he first said. You were able to squeeze so many memories in the last few months, but were they enough? Are they ever enough? The kids know he is going; you don’t know how hard the deployment will be for them.

You pray for your spouse, for patience, for relief from the pain this deployment brings. You know you can get through this time apart, but how many times will it feel like you can’t? How many breakdowns will you have during the months he is away?

Then the week turns into just a couple of days and then it is the night before. What do you do the night before they deploy? And then it is the day of. You wake up too early, can you sleep through this day?

When Your Spouse Deploys

No, this is the day you say goodbye. The day the countdown begins.

And then it is time to get into the car, you try not to cry, but the tears are right there. You have decided that you simply can’t stay until he leaves. You will say your goodbyes and take the kids back home. That is what works best for you and your family.

And then you give him that one last hug, one last kiss, one last goodbye. You are committed to doing this; you will not walk away, you hope this deployment makes your marriage stronger.

When you get home from dropping them off, you think about all the things he will miss, and that is when the waterworks flow. You worry about their safety and hope you can find a way to calm your fears.

When your spouse deploys, you will find a way to make it through. Through those lonely nights, through the time apart, and through everything that comes your way.

If you have just started a deployment, or in the middle of one, make sure to check out my deployment posts and join my Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Facebook group. Deployment support is out there.

Giving Birth When Your Spouse Is Deployed

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Giving Birth When Your Spouse Is Deployed

Giving birth when your spouse is deployed is common in the military spouse community.

If you walk into a room of Military spouses and ask how many of them have given birth when their spouse was deployed, you would get quite a few hands. It is something that has happened to a lot of us. Despite planning, a compassionate chain of command and a lot of prayers, sometimes the dads have to miss the birth. This just comes with being a Military spouse.

The reason I had to give birth without my husband was because I was due right in the middle of a deployment. He left in August and I was due in December. In some cases, they might let someone stay back for a birth. That was not the case for us that time. When I was due with baby #3, my husband did get to stay back because he was not allowed to deploy until November and I was due December 1st.

He just missed the birth

With my Germany baby, the child I had without my husband, I was expecting around mid-December. Considering my previous experience with my oldest son being born two weeks early, I anticipated an early delivery. We were hopeful that my husband would be able to be home for the birth as he was scheduled for R&R around the due date.

However, in the end, he didn’t leave Iraq until the day I gave birth. It took him a few days to get to Germany. He finally got to meet our baby when he was three days old.

Thank goodness for mom

Luckily I was able to have my Mom there with me. When I found out he might not be there in time for the birth, I asked if she could come out. Since we knew my other son was early, we had to plan on baby #2 being that early too and she came about 2.5 weeks before my due date.

In the end he was only born four days early. I almost think the stress of knowing my husband wasn’t leaving Iraq until later caused him to wait a bit longer to be born.

When your spouse is deployed, they may not make it in time

In some cases, the service member is not going to make it home for the birth or even be home for a few months after the birth either. This depends on the situation, the unit, rank and all of that.

During that first deployment, I had a few friends who got pregnant on R&R thinking their husband would be home in more than enough time to be there for the birth. In the end, the deployment was extended for 15 months total and the men were not allowed to go home to see their children being born. They got to meet them when they were about two months old.

If you think you might be in a situation where you will be giving birth without your husband, it is important to remember that you are not alone. Others have done it before and you will be able to get through it.

When you have to give birth without your spouse

  • Find someone who can attend the birth with you. Family member, friend and in some cases a doula can step in when your husband cannot be there. Find someone you trust that you want to be by your side. This will make a big difference and you won’t have to go through the birth alone.
  • Prepare yourself for the possibility. If your spouse just left and they tell you he can come back for the birth, don’t believe that 100%. Things always change in the Military. Promises can be broken. Nothing is set in stone until it happens. Tell yourself early on that if he can’t be there, you will be okay. Then hope and pray that he can be there. It is all you can do.
  • Use Video. We didn’t have this back in 2006 but these days women are giving birth while their husband is watching and cheering them on using Facetime or Zoom. Now this will take planning and help from the Unit but it can be done. Thank goodness for modern technology that this is even an option. Now a dad can help coach his wife through childbirth, even from overseas.
  • Take any help you can get.  When people find out that you are having a baby by yourself, they will offer to help you. Take them up on it. From watching your other kids to taking you meals. Don’t say no to this kind of help. You will need the help and be very grateful for it later.

As a Military spouse, you have to make sacrifices and giving birth without your husband could be one of them. Know you are strong enough to handle doing this and remember, you are not alone.

Have you had to give birth when your spouse was deployed? How did it go?

4 Things to Do When the Military Cancel Your Plans

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4 Things to Do When the Military Cancel Your Plans

You don’t have to be a military spouse for too long to have had the military cancel your plans. Whether it is something small, like a date you had planned, or an appointment you needed them to be with you at, to bigger things such as a deployment changing its dates, or a move being delayed longer than you would like.

Over the years I have had to cancel so many things because of the military. This was even more true when my children were younger. I would have everything lined up, and boom, it all had to change.

So what do you do if the military cancels your plans? Tell the military they can’t do that? Oh, how I wish that was the answer…:) But really, what can you do? Here are a few ideas!

1) Journal it out. The military canceling plans is a big reason I think journaling is so important. Get your journal out and write about how frustrated you are. Write it all out. That will make you feel much better, I promise. And if you are looking for a journal, I have a few in my new SWCL shop!

2) Call a friend who gets it. This might be another military spouse who can understand your frustration or a nonmilitary spouse friend who has experienced something similar. Disappointment sucks, so find a friend who gets how frustrating this can be and someone you feel comfortable venting to. They might even be able to help you with #3.

3) Make a plan. This will be based on what the canceled activity or event is. Sometimes when the military changes things we have to restructure everything, other times we just have to make a few calls to make it work. But you will need to make a plan. Once you do, you will see that things are not as bad as they seem.

4) Reschedule, if you can. In some cases, you can reschedule whatever was canceled. Although you might have to wait a bit to do so. If you had to cancel a trip, think about when you could reschedule it. If you had to cancel an appointment, see when their next available one is. Try to remind yourself that you will get to do the thing you want to do, even if it is later than you thought it would be. Our June 2020 vacation was canceled because of military duties, but we took the trip in March of 2021 and had a great time.

I hate it when the military cancels our plans, even worse when there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it. A date change, an orders change, or any other change is enough to drive me crazy. I know I am not supposed to write my plans in pen, but I really can’t help it sometimes.

In military life, you have to always hope for the best, plan for the worst, and that isn’t always easy to do. I still struggle in how to balance planning a trip or other event with the fact that at anytime the military could cancel our plans. But, these tips really help me get to a better place, and to be able to have a more balanced life.

What are your best tips for dealing with when the military cancels your plans???

9 Reasons Why Being A Military Spouse Is Amazing

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9 Reasons Why Being A Military Spouse Is Amazing

Growing up, I didn’t think a whole lot about if the person I married in the future would be in the Military or not. I was aware of the Military. My Grandparents had served, my Dad was in the Air Force before he met my mom. My mom even taught at a DOD school in Germany. I just never thought that would necessarily be something in my future.

I met my husband who had been in the Army before I had met him. I thought that was his past, not my future. Life is funny and about three years after we were married he re-enlisted and my life as a Military Spouse began.

Over the years, there have been plenty of difficult moments. Some days I wanted to pull my hair out and scream and cry about how hard Military life was. But overall, being a Military Spouse is pretty amazing and this is why:

1. You Meet Amazing People

During your time as a Military spouse, you will meet a lot of different people from all over the place. You will meet someone born and raised in Germany, in Korea, in Hawaii or anywhere else outside of where you grew up and they will become your closest friend. You might meet someone famous, you might meet someone political. There are so many opportunities to meet people when you are a Military spouse.

2. You Can Live in Amazing Places

Germany, Japan, Hawaii, Alaska, Colorado, Belgium, South Korea, Guam and Washington DC are just some of the amazing places you might get to live if you are a Military family. Going OCONUS or even living in a different part of the US can be such a great experience. You get to see parts of the world you never thought you would get to. It’s amazing!

3. You Can Learn a lot About Yourself

Being alone sometimes, having to make new friends more often than others do, having to adjust and be flexible are all a part of Military life. Through these experiences you can learn more about yourself and who you are as a person.

4. You Become More Independent

As a Military spouse, you have to become more independent. You have no choice. You will have to take care of finances, of the children, of the home. You will have to make choices that most couples make together. It feels so overwhelming sometimes but it forces you to become more independent which is a good thing. You can find a sisterhood

5. You Can Find Your Community

There is something about the Military community. Once you join it, you will always be apart of it. You will meet Military spouses in other places and feel like you have something in common. You will have friends all over the country that you can connect with.

One friend will move away and there is always the chance that another friend will move close to you again. Military spouses understand what the Military life is all about and can support each other, both online and offline. You never have to feel alone. You understand sacrifice

6. You Understand Sacrifice

Sacrifice can come in different forms but as a Military spouse, you will feel it. Your service member will miss out on important events like a birth or even a move. You will feel it then.

You will feel it when you say goodbye to them for a deployment and know they will miss your oldest child’s first day of Kindergarten. You will feel it when you can’t take them with you when you go home for Christmas. You will feel it if they come home injured or if they don’t come home at all. There is no way around sacrifice is you are a Military spouse.

7. You Will Grow as a Person Through the Good and the Bad

There is no double that life as a Military wife will change you. No matter what you go through, the good, the bad, the easy, the hard, you will change and grow as a person and that is always a good thing. Life will never stay the same as Military life is always full of changes.

8. You Will Never Look at Memorial Day the Same Way Again

Before Military life, I knew about Memorial Day but it changed a lot when I became an Army wife. I knew people who lost their husbands. I knew that what my husband did was dangerous. I knew what could happen. That changed Memorial Day from a day to honor other people to honoring people I knew. I will never look at that day the way I did before. I can’t. I have seen too much.

9. Your Kids Will Understand What it Means to Serve Your Country

There is no better way for a child to understand what it means to serve their country than to have a parent in the Military. They will grow up with knowing what that really means. There are many different ways someone can serve their country and growing up in the Military can help your children understand what it means to do so. Life isn’t always easy for a Military child but they will learn a lot and that is a good thing.

Why do you think being a Military Spouse is amazing? What would you add to this list???

The Practical Military Spouse Guide to Spring Cleaning Your Life

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The Practical Military Spouse Guide to Spring Cleaning Your Life

Spring is almost here, and with so much going on in our lives, it can feel like we need a practical military spouse guide to spring cleaning in order to focus on the tasks at hand. Whether you’re gearing up for a potential PCS in the coming year or simply aiming to enhance the livability of your current space, now is the perfect time to get things in order.

Here are some fun tips to help you with your spring cleaning:

  • Remove extra PCS stickers, you know you still have some from your last move. Unless you want to make a PCS sticker ornament.
  • Do you really need to keep those curtains? You haven’t used them in the last two houses, and they certainly don’t fit in this one.
  • Go and deliver those bags that have been driving around in your trunk after you did some Marie Kondo in your home a few weeks ago. It’s time for them to go.
  • Pretend you actually are PCSing, what should you get rid of? Would you really want to move with all of your current household goods? Is now the time to replace your old couches?
  • Focus on yourself sometimes. Are you getting enough me time? What can you do to change that? Self-care is important, especially if you are in the midst of solo parenting.
  • Find space for all that military crap. The living room is not an ideal place. Clean out a closet, or buy some extra storage. And quit tripping over those boots.
  • Go through your kid’s toys, get rid of all the broken ones, the Mcdonald’s toys, and anything they don’t care about anymore. The fewer toys they have, the easier it is for them to keep their room clean. Also, this is an ongoing battle that you will have to deal with for years.
  • Delete those emails from your old FRG, you don’t need them anymore. That deployment ended in 2019. If they are still sending them to you? Shoot them an email asking to take you off the list. You have moved on.
  • Do something with all those love letters. Put them in a scrapbook, hang them on a wall, or put them in a frame. They are special and should be celebrated. Unless they are super mushy romantic…then, keep them in your underwear drawer instead.
  • Donate those old ball dresses. You never go anyway. And if you do sometime in the future, you have an excuse to buy another dress.
  • Put up those photos you have been meaning to put up since you moved in six months ago. You know you want to, you have a lot of great ones from your past duty stations. Make time for this and your house will thank you.
  • Dust. I know, dusting sucks. Make your kids do it. Pay them in cookies.
  • Go through your makeup. That stuff doesn’t last forever. And isn’t it nice to buy something new every once in a while? Don’t forget your brushes.
  • Go through your books. Keep the ones you love, and pass on the ones you don’t. Save the deployment ones, you never know when you might need them again. Sigh.
  • Go through your DVDs. Can you find these movies on Netflix? If so, get rid of them. Except for the ones you always have to watch when they are deployed. You never know when Netflix will pull them and you always want to have them on hand.

Life is busy. We all have a lot going on. I hope this military spouse guide to spring cleaning your life can get you started in the right direction.

What do YOU like to do to spring clean your home? Any tips???

The Practical Military Spouse Guide to Spring Cleaning Your Life

What Military Spouses Need to Know About Military Discounts

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What Military Spouses Need to Know About Military Discounts

I love finding military discounts. My favorite military discount is the one you can get at Disneyland. I feel like you are able to save so much money! Many different places have military discounts, from home stores to your favorite restaurants.

But…

There are some things that you should know going in where military discounts are concerned. Different businesses offer different types of discounts and knowing what they are is important.

Not all businesses offer them to spouses

One thing you should know is that not all military discounts are for military spouses, but many of them are. This can get a bit confusing. And sometimes this depends on who is giving you the discount on that day.

Usually, they will state that they only give the discount to the service member in the fine print. Typically, free meals on veterans day are only for the veteran. If you present your dependent ID and they let you know that the discount is only for the service member or veteran, be polite with your response.

Not all businesses offer them to the national guard and the reserves

This can get a little frustrating. Not all businesses give a military discount to the national guard or the reserves. However, in my own experience, most of them do. Again, this is where you want to check the fine print.

I would encourage any business giving a military discount to include the national guard and the reserves too. This part of the military often gets overlooked, even though they are also putting on the uniform, deploying, and spending time away from their families. While I understand sometimes they can’t extend the discount to that many people, adding this part of the military would be a nice idea.

You might not be able to use them on everything

In most cases, there is something you won’t be able to use the military discount on. Usually, buying a gift card, or certain products. Make sure to double-check if you are not sure. Sometimes, you can find out this information on their website or where they have the military discount posted.

You might be able to combine the military discount with another promotion

One reason you might not be able to use a discount is if you have a store coupon or if you want to use the discount for something that is on sale or clearance. However, there are some places that will allow you to do so. For example, at Rack Room Shoes, they offer a 10% military discount that you can use with BOGO 50% off deals, sales prices, other coupons, and promotional offers.

You should check your options when you do have to decide to see what can get you a better deal. While 10% can be nice, a business might have a coupon that is for 20% off that would be a better deal. With the Southwest Airlines Military Rate, you can often find a better deal with their Wanna Get Away specials available to everyone.

Not all locations have the same discount

Another thing about military discounts to keep in mind is that different locations for the exact same business might offer something different. For example, here in the Fort Campbell area, Cracker Barrel does offer a military discount but it isn’t that way everywhere. When I lived in Lexington, they offered one at their Chick-Fil-A but the ones here in Clarksville don’t.

In some cases, it is hard to get a clear answer on what their discount is because they often are up to the management of that specific location. Asking is your best bet because they know what they are going to do at your local location.

Sometimes the military discount isn’t advertised

While some businesses display that “10% off for service members” sign, others do not. Some places don’t even talk about the discount on their websites.

When in doubt, ask. That might be the only way to find out. And remember, just because the military discount isn’t listed, it doesn’t mean they don’t have one.

What Military Spouses Need to Know About Military Discounts

Where is your favorite place to get a military discount?

12 Things to Do On Valentine’s Day if Your Military Service Member is Far Away

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12 Things to Do On Valentine's Day if Your Military Service Member is Far Away

Is it really time for Valentine’s Day again? Time is moving that’s for sure. Before we know it summer will be here and we will be getting ready for another fall season.

Valentine’s Day is always an interesting holiday. The day is all about love, spending time together, and remembering why you love one another.

For military spouses, this might be a little bit more complicated. Your service member might be deployed or otherwise not living in your home at the moment. You might want to skip the day altogether but your kids wouldn’t be too happy about that. You may be left asking yourself if you should even celebrate and if you should, what can you do?

Here are 12 things to do this Valentine’s Day if your service member is far away:

1) Buy yourself some chocolate

Go, do it. Buy yourself some chocolate. You can pick out your favorite kind. And no, you don’t have to share it with anyone.

2) Celebrate with friends

Plan something fun with your friends. Have dinner, go see a movie, or even set up a fun Zoom party. Celebrate the love that comes with friendships.

3) Buy yourself flowers

Buy a new plant. Buy your own flowers. Buy something special that brings you joy.

4) Order a yummy meal

Put the kids to bed early. Order something yummy for yourself, put on your favorite movie, and enjoy the night for what it is. A night to treat yourself.

5) Make a playlist for your spouse just for the holiday

Think back to when couples would make themselves mixed tapes. It’s just the modern version. Put your favorites or songs that remind you of your relationship. It can be a trip down memory lane.

6) Have a video chat Valentine’s Day date

If you can make this work, plan a video date with your sweetheart. You might not be in the same room but that way you can spend Valentine’s Day together.

7) Give your kids Valentine’s Day

If your spouse can’t be around, focus on giving Valentine’s to your kids. They will love them and you can have a fun time celebrating Valentine’s Day with them.

8) Have a Valentine’s Day baking day

Plan a Valentine’s Day baking day. You can do this solo, with your kids, or with friends. Make heart-shaped cookies, bake a pink and white cake, or create a new Valentine’s Day treat.

9) Nothing

This is also an option. Don’t do anything. You don’t have to. And if that is what is more comfortable for you, why not? You don’t have to celebrate any holiday you really don’t want to celebrate.

10) Phone a friend or family member

Why not take the day to catch up with someone you haven’t talked to for a while. I am talking about the good old-fashioned phone call. This can be a good friend, your mom, your grandma, or anyone else you feel like calling.

11) Read a good romance

Curl up with some hot chocolate and dive into a romance novel. Escape into another world. And if romance is not your thing, how about a fantasy? Or any other type of book you can get lost in.

12) Watch a good rom-com

Find a fun rom-com to get lost in. It can be something from the 90s that you love or something new that just came out on Netflix. There are so many options. Don’t forget the popcorn!

How will you spend this Valentine’s Day???