Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military spouse

On the Other Side of Service

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It’s been 19 years since my husband re-joined the Army, and we were sent to Germany for four years. 18 years since I joined him, and he was deployed to Iraq for the first time. 10 years since we went from Army active duty to National Guard, and 10 months since he officially retired from the military. And this side of it feels a little bit normal and a little bit weird.

There was a time during his military service when I felt he was never home. There was always a long deployment, a training, or a monthly drill sending him away. He was always going to miss something. Big things like the birth of our second child or little things like a fun event at church. And everything in between.

There Are Huge Spaces in My Scrapbook Where He is Missing

There are huge spaces in my scrapbook where he is simply missing, and at times, it never felt like we would get to the point where we are today. A time when he would never go away. When he would never have to. When the military didn’t have a say. 

It’s been 10 months since his last drill. Last year, during his December drill, a tornado ripped through our city. I will never forget that. 

After 10 years of drill weekends, I developed a bit of a routine. There were lots of movies and TV shows he wouldn’t be interested in, Chinese food, and decluttering sessions. And now all that is over. He is home with us every weekend.

He Was Gone For So Much of My Children’s Younger Years

He was gone for so much of my children’s younger years. Birthdays, first steps, special needs diagnosis, vacations, and day-to-day life. 

But now he is here for all of it. All the big things and the little ones. 

As he retired from the National Guard, we didn’t have to think about where we would move. However, I hope we can eventually find a new place to call home. Since we were not day-to-day Army, that transition wasn’t as encompassing.

There Are Things I Am Getting Used In This New Normal

But beyond him going away for drill and other duties, there are a few other things I am getting used to.

Whenever we planned a trip, either as a family or solo, I always worried that something would come up and make us cancel. Like it did in 2020. Now, I no longer have that worry, and it’s hard to wrap my mind around. 

I sometimes miss being an Army wife and being in that community, but some of that has more to do with working full-time hours and my age. Still, I do feel disconnected from a community that was so much in my life for so many years.

Life Goes On, Seasons Change

But like anything else, life goes on. Seasons change, and things are different from how they used to be. Here, on the other side of military life, we are finding our new normal as husband and wife and family.

The me of 15 years ago dreamed of the day I would no longer have to miss my husband. That I would no longer fear so much for his safety. That I would no longer worry when the next deployment would hit or how I would get through it. And now here we are. On the other side of service. 

Are you a veteran spouse too? What has been the biggest adjustment?

On the other side of service

Did You Know About These TRICARE Changes Coming in 2025?

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Did You Know About These TRICARE Changes Coming in 2025?

TRICARE changes are coming in 2025. Are you ready?

TRICARE is the healthcare program of the American military. And in 2025, TRICARE is making some significant changes that could affect you.

TRICARE in the US is divided into regions based on where you live. You will be in either TRICARE West or TRICARE East. This is where there are changes.

#1 Since each region has its own contractor, TriWest Healthcare Alliance will replace Health Net Federal Services, LLC in TRICARE West. Humana Military will stay the contractor in TRICARE East.

#2 Six states will be changing to TRICARE West. Those states are Arkansas, Illinois, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Texas, and Wisconsin. If you are in any of those states, you will be moving from TRICARE East to TRICARE West.

The new contracts should begin January 1st, 2025.

What should you do to get ready for the TRICARE changes?

  • Make sure your information is updated in DEERS,
  • If you are in TRICARE West and make payments, make sure you update them to TriWest before or during Open Season.
  • If you are in any of the changing states, you will also need to make sure to change your payments to TriWest.
  • Make sure your providers are in-network for 2025.

Remember, too, that TRICARE’s Open Season is November 11th through December 10th, 2024. You can also visit the TRICARE website for more information on these changes or TRICARE information in general.

As a military spouse, it is always important to know your military benefits, including TRICARE. Know what type of TRICARE you have, what region you are in, and how much you may need to pay each month. TRICARE may cover certain items you are not aware of or may make changes that you need to know about. Be informed!

Going through a deployment? Looking for support? Check out my Deployment blog post section for posts all about getting through a deployment.

What To Do When You Are Having A Bad Deployment Day

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There was so much to do that day, and my patience was running thin. He had been gone for a few months now, so most days were better than they had been. Still, I felt on edge and on the verge of tears. I send one kid off to school, took one to hourly care, and took my baby home to get some work done.

A few hours later, I was picking up my middle son at hourly. I knew I had to get home and wait for my oldest to get off the bus. Once he did, we would have to get homework done, figure out a quick dinner, and then back to post for the third time that day for soccer practice.

I could feel the tears coming. All I wanted to do was go to bed early. All I wanted was a hug from my deployed husband, but I knew I wasn’t going to get that, not that day. We were in the middle of a deployment, and I was on my own. I was in charge of everything, and I felt like I had hit some type of wall.

As we headed off post, I sat at a light waiting for it to turn green. Luckily, no one else was around. I then realized that the light was already green, and I was waiting at the green light. It was then that I realized that I needed to take the rest of the day off, as much as I could.

We would order pizza for dinner, have an early bedtime, and skip soccer that night.

Even though this happened so many years ago, I can still remember that day so vividly. This was one of many bad deployment days, but one in which I realized what was happening and ended up changing my schedule so that I could get through the day. I didn’t always do this. Some days I plowed through, only to feel at peace once I was in bed for the night. But for this bad deployment day? I had had enough and raised the white flag.

The truth is, during a deployment you are going to have your bad deployment days. You are going to have days where nothing seems to work right. You will have days where everything falls apart. You will have days where you won’t exactly be sure how you will make it through the week, let alone the four months you have left until homecoming.

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What To Do When You Are Having A Bad Deployment Day

If you hit a bad deployment day, there are things you can do to help:

Remember, not every day will be like this

One of the things I always tried to do during a bad deployment day was reminded myself that not every day during a deployment was going to be like that. That yes, I was having a bad day, but the next day could be much better.

That some deployment days would make me smile. That things wouldn’t always feel so depressing. Reminding myself of this helped me see the bigger picture instead of getting stuck on a bad day.

If you need to cry, cry

If you need to cry, cry. That’s okay. Sometimes that is how we can get the stress of the day out. Sometimes that is the only thing that works to get to a better place.

If you are hanging out with people that think crying is a sign of weakness, find new people to hang out with the rest of the deployment. And if you are someone that never cries? That is okay too. We all handle bad deployment days in our own way.

What To Do When You Are Having A Bad Deployment Day

Make new plans

During a bad deployment day, take a look at your calendar. Can you add anything to it? Do you need to take something away? Do you need to change things up?

Sometimes we suffer because we are not staying busy enough and other times we do because we have too much on our plates. Finding that balance is a must, but can be hard to do. We don’t want to say no to things, but sometimes, our mental health will require it, especially during a deployment.

Reach out to friends

If you have a friend you can share with, reach out to them. If they are local, invite them over, or make plans to meet up. Text someone, call someone or even send a quick email. Reaching out to friends, and even family can be very helpful. They can remind you that everything is going to be okay and that you will get through this bad deployment day.

If you are struggling because you don’t have any good friends where you live, see what you can do to change that. Figure out where you can go to meet new people. Get out there and keep trying. You never know who you might meet when you do.

Take something off your plate

If you are struggling during a bad deployment day, it’s okay to take something off of your plate. Maybe, like me, it is skipping a soccer practice. Maybe for you, that wouldn’t be okay, but saying no to something else makes more sense.

Try to keep things in perspective and know that if you need to do less on a certain day, that’s okay. You are going through a deployment, you simply can’t do it all, and if you need to, you can say no to something that might be a little too much for you to do that day.

Whether you just started your deployment, or are in the very middle of one, getting through a deployment isn’t going to be easy. Somedays you will have to think outside the box. Somedays you will have to change things up. Somedays you will have to raise the white flag and say that you need to take a step back.

What do you do when you hit a bad deployment day? 

Loneliness: The Military Spouse’s Companion

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So happy to have this guest post by Victoria on loneliness and what you can do about it during military life. Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know if you would like to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life too.

Loneliness: The Military Spouse’s Companion

“I’m having trouble fitting in around here.”

“How can I make friends at this new base?”

I see these comments or variations on many military spouse websites. And, of course, the pandemic didn’t help the feeling of loneliness and isolation. If you are a MilSpo, you have felt this at one time or another. You’ve just moved to a new location. You haven’t had time to explore your new community or meet the neighbors, what with unpacking boxes and enrolling the kids in their new school, and getting them settled.

When we moved to Oklahoma in 2009, my adult daughter was concerned because we had been there for a few months, and I wasn’t talking about any new friends yet. I’m uber extroverted, so for me not to be relating stories about all the new friends I’d made by now was disconcerting for her.

The problem was that we only had one car, and we didn’t live on base, so it was harder for me to get around and meet people. I assured her I was okay, and I had a lunch date with a group of women the next day. Life was good, although I was more than ready to get my social life going.

I’m afraid my advice for counteracting loneliness might not sit well with introverts. However, it is necessary if you want to get the most out of your military assignment. 

Get Out: You have to get out of your house and introduce yourself to your neighbors—whether you live on base or post. People are busy, so the days when neighbors stopped by with a plate of cookies are rare, even though their intentions might be good. In Oklahoma, I made the cookies and took them to the neighbors to introduce myself.

Join In: Join, join, join anything that interests you: spouse clubs, chapel groups, the PTA at your children’s school. Anywhere you can find like-minded people. Spouse clubs usually have smaller clubs such as book clubs, Bunko, golf, bowling, Mahjong — just about anything you are interested in doing.

Volunteer: When you help out others, you are helping yourself as well. So many organizations on base can use your help, and I’ve made some of my closest friends through volunteering. Check with your Family Readiness Center for volunteer opportunities on your installation.

Do It: I can hear some of you already saying you are shy and have a tough time putting yourself out there. My response is to say, “too bad. Suck it up and do it anyway.” Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is necessary to make an effort to find your niche if you want to get the most enjoyment out of your life as a MilSpo. And remember, the more you do it, the easier it gets!

Loneliness: The Military Spouse’s Companion

Victoria Terrinoni is the author of “Where You Go, I Will Go: Lessons From a Military Spouse,” available on Amazon. Her husband, Dave, retired in 2018 after 31 years in the Air Force. They live in central Illinois so that they can spoil two of their four grandchildren. She has a blog about her military life at https://victoriaterrinoni.wordpress.com

Finding Peace During Military Life

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Life is always going to be busy, isn’t it? There is always something going on. Throw a deployment, training, or PCS into the mix, and finding peace during the storms sometimes feels a little impossible.

The truth is, this military life is going to keep you on your toes. There might always be something going on. There might always be something that is going to drive you crazy or keep you up at night. So what can we as military spouses do about it?

Take time for yourself

You need to take time for yourself. This is is super important. And it might look different based on the seasons of your life. Sometimes self-care is taking a long bath and relaxing with a good book after the kids go to bed. Other times it is making that appointment for a massage while your kids are in school. Find what brings you peace, and take time out for self-care. It’s a must!

Talk to a friend

Find friends that you can trust with what is going on in your life. Friends who won’t judge and will listen. Friends who can understand you might be feeling a little all over the place with everything on your plate. Good friends can help us through the ups and downs of military life, give us a place to vent, and allow for a better life.

Take a daily walk

There is just something about taking a walk. Whether you do so around the block in your neighborhood, on a greenway or trail, or even at the mall. Some even have early walking hours. Get out there, get moving, and enjoy all the benefits of this type of exercise. You will be glad you did.

Cut things out

Take a look at everything on your plate. See if you can cut anything. See if you can rearrange anything. Mixing up your schedule might be just what you need to find a little more peace. And make sure you are scheduling that time for you.

Take social media breaks

Social media is great, and it can offer us a lot of enjoyment. However, sometimes social media can be the thing that is breaking our peace. Sometimes it is the thing that is driving us crazy or making us feel less then. Take the weekends off, take a month away from a platform, and find ways to make social media work better for you.

Accept the crazy

We all know how crazy military life can get. You might be PCSing next month and then find out it was moved to June. They might be coming home from a deployment, and you aren’t quite sure how that will go. There is a lot out there that we simply can’t control. And sometimes the best thing to do is to accept it. Accept the crazy.

I know that this is always going to be easier said than done. But a lot of getting through military life is about your perspective. And that is something you can work on. No, you can’t control when a deployment hits, but you can control how you respond to it. Take a look at my deployment posts and figure out the best way to get through that time apart.

Finding peace during military life can be hard to achieve, and honestly, you might not get there, at least not 100%. Do what you can to work towards finding it, and allow yourself some grace if you are struggling. Reach out for help, find good friends, and remember, military life is a journey.

6 Things You Should Remember When You Are Struggling With Military Life

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6 Things You Should Remember When You Are Struggling With Military Life

Sometimes, when my husband is gone, or even if he is home, the stress overwhelms me. I find myself in a place I don’t want to be in. There is too much going on, too much to think about, and my emotions are all over the place. I end up in a bit of a funk and feel like I am on the struggle bus.

But…

In those times, there are things I have to tell myself, things I have to remind myself of, and doing so puts me in a much better place. If you have ever felt like you are struggling with military life, you know what I am talking about.

You know that you can’t snap your fingers and have a deployment go away. You know you married a military service member and with that comes military life. But what you really want is to get to a better emotional place.

Here are six things to remember when you are struggling with military life:

Everything changes

No matter what you are going through, remember everything changes. Whether you are going through a deployment, waiting on a PCS, or just struggling through something, things will change, as they always do.

Change can be difficult, you might not want to move, you might not want the deployment to start, but change happens and we just have to go with it, knowing that eventually, things will get to a better place.

Some days I might be feeling down because I simply can’t make a decision on something important. I hate that. But I have to remind myself that time can make things a little more clear. And if it isn’t something I have to decide ASAP, I can give myself time to figure it out.

You have been through hard stuff before

Here’s the deal. You have been through hard stuff before. You have. Maybe you haven’t ever been through a deployment before, maybe this is the first time you have ever moved, but life in general can bring difficult situations, and you have been able to get through those in the past.

Maybe it was messy. Maybe you felt defeated. But you got through to the other side. Remember that.

You will grow through this

We always grow through our struggles, even if we can’t see that at the time. Journaling during your struggles can help, talking with a good trustworthy friend can help, and thinking about how you have changed for the better through it all can help.

And as you grow as a person, you can help others too. You might find yourself in a situation in the future where you can be there for someone going through what you are going through right now. We as humans can help one another out, simply because we have been there before.

Don’t take on other’s stress

One thing you don’t want to do is take on someone else’s stress. People do stress about all types of things and it can be easy to feel overwhelmed by all of that, epecually when you see it all the time on social media.

Try not to take on other people’s stress and focus on what you need to focus on. Think about what is best for you and your family. Don’t worry about things that don’t have to do with your current situation and you will be better for it.

Don’t forget to breathe

I know, easier said than done. But give yourself time to breathe. We say it is best to stay busy during a deployment, and it is. But if you are too busy, you could end up stressing yourself out even more.

Try to find that balance and give yourself a break. If you feel like you are doing too much, you migjt be. It’s okay to take a step back and breathe. You don’t have to say yes to everything. And if being too busy is the reason for your stress, take a step back to find some peace.

Count your blessings

Sometimes we really just have to take a step back and count our blessings. Living without your spouse for months at a time is not an easy thing to do. Having to say goodbye to friends and family all the time can be heartbreaking. Military life isn’t an easy life, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be thankful for the great things that are true about our lives.

Thinking about what we do have can help. Yes, your husband might be deployed for six months, but he does love and care about you and your kids. Yes, you do have to move again but now you have a new state to explore. Yes, military life brings on a lot of stress but you have meet some amazing people to walk through this life with.

There will probably come a time when you do struggle with military life. Things are not adding up the way you want them to. You are feeling frustrated because you can do what you are wanting to do.

And that’s hard.

But, if you are married to a service member, you can’t easily just walk away from military life, and so you need to figure out how to get through these feelings and get to a better place emotionally. And once you find ways to do that, military life will seem a little more manageable and you will feel like you can get through so much of what this life brings.

What do you do when you feel like you are struggling with military life???

To the Burned Out Military Spouse Mama

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3:30 in the afternoon. That is when it hit me the most. My husband was deployed, I had a two-year-old, and a baby, and 3:30 pm was the worst.

We were pretty much done with our activities for the day, but 3:30 was too early to start dinner. What in the world do I do with these kids?

How will I make it to bedtime? Once I get through that, I knew I would have some time to myself, as long as I could stay awake long enough to enjoy that much needed time.

As I think back to our past deployments, these moments, the times when I was so burned out, I couldn’t imagine what else I could do. The times when I would burst into tears, when I cried with my kids, when I sobbed after they went to sleep because I just wanted a break.

So, to the burned out military spouse mama, these days can be a struggle. 

You want things to go smoothly, but then they don’t.

You want to be able to get everything done, but you can’t.

You are missing your spouse more than anything, and struggle to help your kids through the deployment as well.

Mama, you need to breathe. It’s going to be okay. It really is.

This is simply a season of your life, and this feeling will not last forever.

Whatever parenting struggle you are dealing with at the moment, whatever it is you are trying to work through, this too shall pass.

When your kids are young, you might struggle with sleeping, and teaching them to eat, and potty training.

And then as they get older, you are trying to figure out how to get out of the house on time, how to handle kids and friendships, and how to get them to do their homework.

You will have to deal with sibling rivalry, and kid’s sports, and watching them grow.

To the Burned Out Military Spouse Mama

And through it all, you will feel burned out, often when your spouse is deployed.

You will wonder when you can catch up, when things feel more at peace, when things will get easier.

So to the burned out military spouse mama, take each day as it comes.

Make lists, to help you stay organized.

Find friends, those you can depend on, and have fun with.

Give yourself a break; you never have to be the perfect mother, just one that loves your kids and wants the best for them.

If your spouse is deployed, and the burned out feeling lasts a little too long, see what you can change about your routine. See what you can add or take away from your life. Find fun ways to celebrate the days you have already gone through.

Remember that nothing does last forever.

Your child will eventually sleep through the night, giving you more energy, and time to yourself.

Your son will eventually learn to use the bathroom, and won’t go to kindergarten in diapers.

Your daughter will eventually not throw a fit when you serve her vegetables.

To the Burned Out Military Spouse Mama

As you raise your children, through each stage, you will get frustrated, you will be burned out, and you will figure out a way through.

Special needs mamas can have different struggles. As one myself, I know that my 11-year-old isn’t doing all the things that an 11-year old should. This can be so overwhelming sometimes.

But even with him, I see change, I see growth, and even though it often feels like two steps forward, one step back, we are improving.

So to the burned out military spouse mama, you got this.

Maybe it doesn’t feel like it today, maybe it feels like you will feel this way for a long time, but you got this.

Whatever the struggle, whatever you are dealing with, you got this.

No matter how long you will be solo parenting, no matter how difficult your kids might be at the moment, you got this.

To the Burned Out Military Spouse Mama

When You Are Sick And Your Spouse Is Deployed

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When You Are Sick And Your Spouse Is Deployed

If you are a military spouse, and you get sick, it is probably going to be when your spouse is deployed, or otherwise not at home. You can thank Murphy’s law for that, I know I have been hit by Murphy myself.

While you can get to a place where you feel you are rocking a deployment, a stomach bug can turn things upside down, especially if you have young kids.

So…what should you do? What can you do? Here are some helpful tips for when you are sick and your spouse is deployed:

Ask for help

When you are sick, you might have to actually ask for help. If you are like me, this is going to be hard for you. I hate asking others for help and will try to do it all myself first.

However, I am not Superwoman and sometimes, I really need that extra help. If you have a close friend, see if they can bring you a few things from the store, or pick up a child from school. Most people are more than willing to help out a solo parenting military spouse.

Say no

If you are not feeling well, you are going to have to say no to some things. This can be hard to do sometimes. But we are all human, and we are all trying to get it all done, even if our spouse is overseas. And sometimes that means saying no, especially when we are sick.

Maybe the FRG won’t have as many food dishes that night, maybe a kid will have to skip practice, but sometimes we do have to let some things go during a deployment. Don’t burn yourself out when you are sick and don’t feel guilty if you have to say no to certain things. Besides, if you are contagious, you want to stay at home anyway.

Let your kids help you

If your kids are old enough, let them help you. Older children can help you with younger kids. Children can do extra chores, or help you around the house. Think about small ways they can help make things easier for you when you are sick.

Take care of yourself

In the end, remember to take care of yourself. Your health is important and you don’t want to ignore something that could become more serious later. Try to rest when you can, drink plenty of fluids, and get yourself to the doctor if you need to.

You should also be taking care of yourself before you get sick to hopefully lessen the chances of catching something. If you haven’t been for a checkup in a while, make an appointment. Don’t forget about your own dental care, and follow up on anything you think you need more information about.

When you get sick, all you really want to do is hide under your blankets but during a deployment, that probably isn’t going to be possible. Remember to ask for help if you need it, say no to some things, see if your kids can help, and remember that your health is important too.

Have you ever gotten really sick when your spouse was deployed? What did you do to get through that?