Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military spouse

Finding Hope During Deployment

by

Finding hope during deployment

Finding Hope During Deployment

Easter of 2007, I had two children, 2.5 years old and about four months. I decided to take them to church Easter Sunday. I couldn’t imagine missing that. I might miss church sometimes, but you don’t miss on Easter Sunday. I dressed us all in our beautiful Easter outfits and headed to the on post chapel.

As I sat there in my Easter best, holding my baby, tears started to come. My husband, the one who I had spent every Easter with for the last few years was in Iraq. He wasn’t there with us like he should have been. I remembered other Easters. One where he was home with us and we could spend the holiday together.

As I sat there, trying not to completely lose it, I decided to look to the future. Next year, he would be with us, right? Next year, when our kids were a year older, we would all go to church together, the four of us. We would make family memories together again.

The truth is, during the middle of your deployment day, you can get stuck in “deployment” thinking.

You start thinking that you will always feel that lonely, that you will always feel that sad, that your spouse will miss everything and that there is nothing you can do about it.

But if you can look past that, if you can remind yourself that this deployment, no matter how long the separation might be, is only temporary, you can gain the strength you need to press through.

During military life, there will be seasons when they are away and seasons when they are home.

There are years when Easter Sunday will be the loneliest of days and years when Easter Sunday will be filled with family fun. There will be weeks when you aren’t sure you can make it to the next day and weeks when you will feel like you are rocking military life.

If you are in the middle of a deployment, if you are feeling pretty hopeless about the whole thing, remember, this too shall pass. It will. Time will go by, days will go by, and one day you will wake up, put your cute dress on and head down to the gym or airfield to pick up your spouse. Time will go by, and you will be spending your weekends at Lowe’s, going on date nights and making memories together again.

There is hope during a deployment.

Hope that you will get through it. Hope that you will grow stronger during the months they are away. Hope that you can do this and you can, in fact, do it more than once, more than twice or however many times you need to get through a deployment.

There is hope that through the months apart, you and your spouse can grow stronger. That you can learn more about yourself and even each other. That you can find that inner strength that you didn’t even know you had.

There is hope that although you might be alone this Easter, they will be there the next Easter and maybe even the one after that. That someday you will look back on your “deployment years” as a struggle you were able to get through, even though it was some of the hardest years of your marriage. That one day, you will be able to take what you learned during the months apart and use that for the future, for your struggles and to help others.

So yes, there is hope during a deployment. Even if you can’t see it right away. Even if it takes you a while to understand it.

How do you find hope during a deployment?

Debunking Myths About Deployment

by

Debunking Myths About Deployment

Waiting for a deployment to start can be a bit scary. There is a lot of advice, and you might be feeling a little unsure about what a deployment will be like. Will the deployment be too hard for you? Will you struggle every day or be able to find a way to get through? Will you thrive or just simply survive?

There are some ideas about deployment that I just don’t think are true, at least not for me. Here are some myths about deployment and the truth behind them.

Debunking Myths About Deployment

 

Never countdown the days

I love counting down the days when my husband is gone. I love waking up in the morning and crossing a day off the calendar. It’s what gets me through. Not everyone likes countdowns, but they are a part of how I deal with deployments. If you like countdowns too, use them, just remember to never make them public on social media.

Keeping busy will be enough

Although the number one piece of advice during a deployment is to keep busy and doing so will help, keeping busy isn’t everything. Sometimes being too busy can make your flustered. You might need that downtime, just not too much of it. Filling up my calendar with a lot of activities but also leaving room for chill days is how I make things work during a deployment.

Going home will solve your problem

Going back home for a deployment can be a very good idea, especially if you have a supportive family. However, you are still going to have stressful deployment days. You will still really miss your spouse, and there could be other issues that come up if you are home. You could be the only one in your friend circle without a spouse around, you could feel too much pressure to see all the people you used to hang out with, you might not get along with your family as much as you thought you would. Really reflect on the decision to go home during a deployment and know that it could come with its own set of challenges too.

Deployments will get easier the more of them you do

If only we could get a degree in deployments. If only the more of them we go through, the easier they would become. The truth is, you will have hard deployments and more difficult deployments. The details of what is going on in your life during each deployment can be so different. One deployment you could be pregnant, the next you might have a two-year-old. Try to take what you learned from each deployment to help you through the next one.

You can’t have fun without them

There is this idea that you shouldn’t have any fun when your spouse is deployed. This isn’t true. While you will miss them when you are making plans, you need to be able to have fun without them, especially when you have kids. You have to be able to take them places, make memories together and enjoy your life, even when your spouse is deployed.

Shorter deployments will be easier

I once thought that the shorter the deployment, the easier the deployment would be. Not true. One of my hardest deployments was just six months long, one of our shorter deployments. Although I would always take a six-month deployment over a 15-month deployment, shorter doesn’t always mean easier.

Once they get home, all will be perfect

When your spouse is away, it is easy to focus on all the good things about your relationship and ignore any issues you were having or anything that needs to be worked out. Even if things were going well for you when they deployed, know that reintegration can come with struggles. As they come home and you get back to everyday life, you will have to get back to the daily challenges that come with raising a family, being married and having a spouse who just returned from a war zone. Getting excited about the homecoming is a good thing but always be aware that there could be a lot of work to do once the ceremony is over.

How to Break Out of a Boring Military Spouse Routine

by

How to Break Out of a Boring Military Spouse Routine

How to Break Out of a Boring Military Spouse Routine

Sometimes military life is pretty exciting! You are days away from a PCS to a great location. Your husband just got home from his deployment. You have great friends and are able to keep busy and life is great. Other times, you are going to feel like your life is just one big groundhog’s day. You do the same things over and over again. This is especially true during a deployment and even more so when you have small children who are not in school yet. The days just come and go and you can get a little bored doing the same things every single day.

So what can you do about that? How can you break out of your boring military spouse routine?

1. Visit a new club/meeting

Find a new club or regular meeting to go to. Have kids? Go to MOPS. Love to read? Go to that book club you heard about. There should be something you can go to where you could meet new people and enjoy yourself. See what your local Facebook pages have to offer. Look for events going on in your community. Get yourself out there and make plans to change what you do during the week.

2. Start going on a daily run or walk

Make plans to go on a daily walk or run. This will break up your day and will keep you healthier. If you don’t want to run or walk, go to the gym or for a swim. Working on your fitness is a great way to change things up. If you want to lose weight and do so, you could buy a few new items for your wardrobe. Donate your older clothes and start fresh.

3. Join a play group

If you have kids, join a play group. If you don’t like the one you are in, join a different one. Keep taking your kids if they are having fun. You will get to meet other moms and you will have something to keep you busy during the week. If you feel each day is just another chore of getting through the day with your kids, a play group can really help with getting out of that dull routine.

4. Apply for a job

If you are really bored with life, it could be time to find a new job. Update your resume and start looking. Figure out what you want to do and how many hours you would like to work. Even working a few hours a week can help with your mood. See what works for you and start applying. Having a job is also a great way to meet new people when you pcs. You can also look for volunteer opportunities in your local community.

5. Go back to school

Did you start a college program and wanted to go back? Maybe now is the time to do so. Look up online colleges as well as what your local colleges might offer. You can take one class or sign up for a full-time schedule. Look into scholarships for a military spouse as well as looking into using your spouse’s GI Bill. There are a lot of options for paying for school. If you don’t know what you want to study, that is okay, you can take some general ed classes until you are able to figure that out.

6. Go on a trip

Take a trip somewhere. Maybe you can just go camping for a weekend? Maybe you want to finally plan that Disneyworld trip? Figure out what you can do and make some plans. You might need to take time off work or plan to board the dog but make the trip happen. Taking yourself out of where you are can help break you out of a boring routine.

7. Visit home

Taking a trip home can be very refreshing. You can spend time with your family, go out with friends and just relax a bit away from your everyday life. Depending on where you live, your home might be a bit warmer than where you are stationed and getting a break from cold winter weather can be good for your soul. If you can’t visit home, see if someone can visit you and you can enjoy your time together as you show them your world.

No one needs to stay in a rut. If you feel like you are in one, there is a lot you can do to add more to your daily life. You should also keep in mind that deployments do not last forever, that duty stations do no last forever and that you can wake up every day ready to make some changes so that your life can be a little more like the way you want your life to be.

What do you do to get out of a boring military spouse routine?

For the Military Spouse Who Can’t Go Home For Christmas

by Leave a Comment

For the Military Spouse Who Can't Go Home For ChristmasFor the Military Spouse Who Can’t Go Home For Christmas

When I was in college, I went home every Christmas break. I loved that. A break from the college routine, a time to see my family and friends from high school. A time to be a “kid” again, if only for a few weeks. I can still remember going back to my apartment after my last final, finishing packing and getting ready to head to the airport.

When we first got married we decided that we would switch off each holiday. So one year we would spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his. Then the next year we would switch. This worked well for 3 years. Then we moved and my husband joined the Army and that schedule went out the window.

The truth is, military families have a harder time going home for the holidays.

Going home is going to be easier if you live close enough to drive. You might even be able to go for just the weekend. If you are overseas or across the country from home, getting there for Christmas is going to be a bit more difficult. Christmas block leave is a great thing but not everyone gets to take it. And even when you do, you might not be able to afford to fly the whole family back home.

There are a lot of reasons why military families can’t go home for Christmas.

Maybe you just got married, going home just isn’t an option and this will be your first year away from home for the holidays. Maybe your husband is deployed and with three small children, flying across the country alone just isn’t something you can do. Maybe you don’t even have a good family situation to go visit this year or maybe finances are tight and you need to save for your upcoming PCS in the new year.

Maybe you have fond memories of previous years or your own childhood. Of setting up the tree together, of going Christmas caroling with your childhood church, of baking cookies with Grandma and of having a night out with your best high school friends who you haven’t seen in a while. If you can’t go home, even if it is your choice, you can start to feel sad about all that you are missing. And there really can be a lot to miss. To not be there when everyone else in your family is coming together can be hard to deal with.

If you can’t go home for Christmas, you should do what you can to make the holiday special anyway, with your own little family.

Think up new traditions that your kids would love. Are you overseas? Try to incorporate some of the traditions from the country you are in. Take them back with you when you move back to the US. If you know other families that are staying around for the holidays, make plans to get together with them. Embrace not having to travel during the busiest travel days of the year. Think about how your children will have memories of waking up in their own beds on Christmas morning. See if anyone will come and visit you during the holidays instead. Sometimes it is easier for one or two family members to come out to see you instead of all of you going to see them.

So for the military spouse that can’t go home for Christmas…

Make your holidays a special one, even if you are not where you want to be. Make sure to call your mom on Christmas day, think about the new year and enjoy the quietest and more simple Christmas that you are having in your own home. You can’t always go home for Christmas and that is okay. You can still have a special Christmas filled with happy memories and moments with your own family and local community.

Do you usually go home for Christmas?

What You Need To Let Go Of As A Military Spouse

by 3 Comments

What You Need To Let Go Of As A Military Spouse

Do you ever feel like you are trying too hard to become that perfect military spouse? That you feel like you must do all the military spouse things? I have felt that pressure over the years. The pressure to be the best military spouse, to get everything done and to do it all with grace, all of the time. The truth is, this pressure isn’t healthy. There is only so much each of us can do. For our spouses, for our kids, for our homes, and for our communities.

What You Need To Let Go Of As A Military Spouse

I have learned over the years that letting go of certain expectations is a good way to find more peace as a military spouse. Knowing that there are seasons in my life where I can do more and seasons where I need to pull back and do less. Finding that balance is important.

So what as a military spouse should you let go of? What is not quite as important as you once thought it was?

Doing it all- You can’t do it all. Don’t feel bad if you tried and couldn’t make everything work. Balancing your own career with a spouse in the military is hard. Being both mom and dad for periods of time is hard. Keeping the house clean when you are running around different places on a daily basis is hard. Give yourself a break. Make lists of what you do each day and prioritize. Do what is most important and be okay saying no to everything else.

Going to every event- As a military spouse, there will be a lot of events you will be invited to. Don’t feel like you have to attend each and every one. If you want to sit one of them out, that’s okay. Your weekend is only so long. Schedule some time in for yourself and try to only say yes to the events you are most excited about. Fill up your calendar to stay busy but don’t overfill your days. That just adds more stress.

Feeling guilty about not going home- Going home to see family isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Sometimes doing so cost too much, other times schedules do no work out the way you need them too. Don’t feel guilty about this. Some families will try to make you feel guilty, don’t let them. Try to go home when you can and when details work out to do so. Families stationed overseas might not be able to go home the entire time they are over there. See if your family can come visit you. Sometimes that is easier, cheaper and will still allow you to spend time together.

Not cooking every night- Cooking when you have small children and no spouse coming home at night can be difficult. Cereal nights are okay. Pizza nights are okay. And if you do cook, you can always save some for leftovers for another night. The truth is, for every night you feel like you just want to order a pizza you will have other nights where you do want to cook. Using a crockpot can also save you some time when it comes to making a good and easy meal for your family.

Never shedding a tear– Crying happens and that’s okay. Whether you only shed a few tears or need to have a deep cry into your pillow. Crying is a release and sometimes having a good cry is the best way to get stress out and to figure out how you will get over whatever disappointment you are feeling. Some people cry more than others. Some spouses are more emotional than others. Sometimes all you need is to have a good cry so you can get back to doing what you need to get done.

Not asking for help when you need it- I admit I am really bad about asking for help. I never want to burden anyone with my own troubles. But sometimes asking for help is the best thing you can do. Friends are often willing to help you and would love to hear ways to do so. Sometimes people who want to help don’t know what you need. In return, you can help out your friends and neighbors when they need something too. That is what community is for.

If you are feeling too much pressure right now, take some time to step back and see what you can do to make life a little bit easier for you and your family.

Is there anything you can give up? Is there something you can let go of?

5 Reasons Why Military Spouses Need to Vote

by Leave a Comment

5 Reasons Why Military Spouses Need to Vote

This post isn’t going to be about who to vote for, it is going to be about why military spouses need to vote. We need to get out there and make our choice because we are just as important as any other American voter.

Whether we vote in the state we grew up in or the state we now call home. Whether we send that ballot in from overseas, from across the country, or make plans to visit our local polling place on election day. Whether we call ourselves a democrat, a republican, or if we are not sure what side we are on and wish we didn’t have to pick one.

Here are 5 reasons why military spouses need to vote:

1. Voting is our right– There was a time in American history when not every American could vote. That right had to be fought for and people died over it. Just 100 years ago, women could not vote.

I can’t sit back and ignore that, I just can’t. Voting is my voice. Sometimes my vote might not seem to matter, I am not in a swing state and my state is going to go one way, the way they always go, but I still vote.

I believe voting matters, all of it. Whether I am picking the new President, the new Governor or voting on wine in a grocery store. I want a say.

2. We pick the next CinC- As military spouses, who the next Commander-in-Chief is should matter to us. This will be our spouse’s boss, the head of the military and that should matter. While we spouses might not see eye to eye on who should have that role, we should do our research and figure out who we think would be the best as our country’s next commander-in-chief.  

3. Congress- Beyond the next President, we are also voting for members of Congress. These people influence what happens in the military. From pay raises to Veterans benefits.

The fact is, who we elect into the Senate and House matters. Do your research on each of the candidates. Don’t just listen to their ads.

Find out how they have voted in the past. Figure out who stands for what you stand for. Then let your voice be heard on election day.

4. Local votes matter- Your local votes matter. If you vote locally you will be voting on the mayor, the school board, the city council, and issues that affect the community. This is important. Whether you have children or not. Whether you still live in the area or not.

Sometimes who is locally in charge is going to have a bigger impact on your life than who is living in the White House. As military spouses, you might not live where you vote. You might not want to change that.

However, registering for where you live can be a good choice, especially if you are going to be there for a while. You then get a say about the schools and the community where you are currently calling home.

5. To become more aware- As military spouses, being aware of what is going on in the world today is so important. Locally and globally. What is going on in Washington and throughout the whole country is important.

When you vote, you get to be apart of this. You can spend your time researching and going beyond what you hear on the news. You can talk to people who are working for change and you can learn more about our country’s history and where we have been. Voting puts you into history and that is a great way to show you care.

I am not telling you who I voted for, I don’t want you to tell me who you voted for but I do want you to vote! I want you to use your voice and know that although it might seem like you are just one of many, your military spouse voice matters and as a military spouse, you should be voting this election season.

The Weight of Multiple Deployments

by Leave a Comment

The Weight of Multiple Deployments

In 2013 my husband left for his 4th deployment. I didn’t want him to go. I really didn’t want him to go.

He left for his 1st deployment in 2006 and the longest break he had had from deployments was just short of 2 years. I felt like he was always gone or leaving or getting ready to leave. He deployed 1 year after he returned home from his long 15-month deployment.

That was definitely not enough time at home. I felt like after 15 months they should have been home for at least as long as that, if not double that in order to really have time to heal and get ready to go again. We were not that lucky.

To prepare for a deployment, there has to be a lot of training that happens. So basically, he got home, we had block leave and then they started to prepare for the next deployment. Multiple long deployments can take a lot from families and the soldiers themselves.

Our family really felt this as we said goodbye again for another year apart.

These days, my husband is usually home which feels so strange to me after so many years when he wasn’t. So many years of wondering if he would be there for the next Christmas or birthday. Years of being the only adult in the house and then having to figure out how to let him back into our routines.

As I look back at our deployments, I know they have made me a stronger person than I otherwise would have been. I have made friends that became like family because of them. I sometimes wonder what my life would look like had my husband never joined the Army, never been away from us.

And I can’t imagine it.

I can’t imagine what life would have been like had he been home for everything during those years. Our story didn’t go that way.

Now that we are past the rapid deployment stage, I can’t help but think of the weight of multiple deployments and what they can mean to military families.

Sometimes the marriage doesn’t survive. Sometimes the marriage does but both of you become different people, with so many challenges ahead. You change, they change, the family changes.

During deployments, you will have to change the way you think about everything. You will have to let things go. You will realize that what you assumed your life would be is going to be something completely different.

When you go through multiple deployments you will look back at your “survival” days.

Those survival days when you couldn’t help but wonder how you will make it through. When you can only do the minimum. When you take the deployment day by day, or hour by hour.

When everything is calm, you will wonder what bothered you so much that you couldn’t do all those extra things you liked to do. You will wonder why you were so anxious and possibly why those days were so hard. And then you remember.

You remember the lonely nights, the days on the calendar that would not pass quick enough and the possibility that sat in your heart that your spouse might not even make it home after all.

When you go through multiple deployments you will become stronger.

You have to. Anytime someone goes through something difficult, they get through the ordeal, stronger than they were before. This will help you in the future as you can be a listening ear to someone going through that issue themselves.

You can have compassion for those who are having a harder time and can prepare for any future struggles that might be ahead. You can also help your spouse through the coming years, no matter how many deployments are ahead.

Service members can come back from deployment with so many wounds. Some might be visible and some might not be. Being there for your spouse in any way you can is important.

Knowing when there is a bigger problem than even you can’t handle is also important. Getting help is a must and being patient will be your best friend through it all. Remember, you don’t have to go through all of this alone.

You will feel the weight of multiple deployments and will have to figure out how to move forward from them…

War is rough. Deployments are rough. Even years later you might still feel the weight of them all. Get the help that you need and remember military spouse, you are strong and you can get through this, even if it is one day at a time.

Have you been through multiple deployments? How have you dealt with the weight of those years?

17 Reasons Military Spouses Are Rocking Military Life

by 1 Comment

17 Reasons Military Spouses Are Rocking Military Life

17 Reasons Military Spouses Are Rocking Military Life

There are so many challenges that military spouses have to go through during their spouse’s career. From deployments to trainings to moving every 3-4 years. It can be way too easy to think you are not handling military life well. The truth is, most of us spouses are actually rocking military life. We are dealing with a lot and we do the best that we can to get through each day. Whether you are brand new to this life or have been a military spouse for many years, what you do, how you stand by and support your spouse, it matters.

Here are 17 reasons why Military spouses are rocking military life:

1. We are there for each other- We are there to listen to other spouses that are having a bad day, we are there for those that need a little extra help with the kids or just to be that friendly face that lives down the street. We support one another because we get this life and what being a military spouse is all about.

2. We volunteer- Whether it is for the school, the FRG, the chapel or anything else in our community, military spouses step up and make things happen. We serve in our local communities, on post and off.

3. We listen- We can be the listening ear someone needs. Sometimes we have been through what they have been through, other times we haven’t but we can still be someone they can confide in.

4. We explore- We plan adventures. We get out and see what is in our new city. We fly across the country to see our families, without our spouse. We plan trips to see things we would never have otherwise seen had it not been for the military. We have seen the US and the world and we enjoy making all those memories.

5. We say goodbye, over and over- We do this because we have to, not because we want to. Deployments happen, trainings happen and we say goodbye to the love of our lives. This never gets any easier and yet everytime we do it we feel a little bit stronger.

6. We pray for those deployed- We pray for our spouses, their Company, their Unit, their Brigade and all the men and women who serve. We pray for their spouses and mothers and fathers and siblings. So many people need to be supported when someone they love goes off to war.

7. We write- We blog, we write books, we write love letters, we write in journals. We get our words out, whether we share them with other people or just keep them to ourselves.

8. We work hard- We do what we have to do to keep things going. We work hard at what we do. Whether we work outside the home, inside the home or a combination of both. We make to-do lists and look for ways to get things done.

9. We are mom and dad- When our spouse is gone, we try to fill the role of both mom and dad. We know we can’t replace the other parent but we do what we can to help our children and keep things running smoothly.

10. We plan great homecomings- We make signs, pick out cute outfits and plan for that big day. The day we will always remember and the day that will always make us smile, no matter how many years have gone by.

11. We are proud- We are proud of our spouses and everything they have done. We are proud when they deploy, we are proud when they get promoted, we are proud that they signed up to serve their country.

12. We know how to make the best of a bad situation- When life gives us lemons, we might cry, we might vent but at the end of the day, we make the best of a bad situation. We get through these difficult days because we find ways to get through them. We know they are a part of the military lifestyle and we do what we can to handle each and every one.

13. We have patience- We might not feel like we have a lot of patience but we do. From dealing with Tricare, paperwork to go overseas or just waiting for that homecoming day.

14. We love our spouses from afar- We love them from across the ocean, we love them when they live in our phone and computer and we love them as they return to us and have to figure out how to handle the difficulties that come after going to war.

15. We can laugh- We can make jokes about how long the lines are at the Commissary on payday or how something so simple can take so long to get done. We have to laugh at these situations sometimes, the only way to get through them.

16. We know how to connect- We move a lot so we know better than anyone how to make new friends, how to connect and how to find people that understand us. It might take longer than we like sometimes but we are committed and work hard to find people that can be a part of our tribe.

17. We understand sacrifice- We understand giving up a lot for the sake of our country. We look at the military spouses that came before us and know we are not alone. We understand what true sacrifice is and what it means to serve your country.

Military Spouse Life

If you are not feeling strong as a military spouse, take a step back and see that you are in fact stronger than you think. That you are capable and that you are rocking this military spouse life.