The Military Spouse Life…
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What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders
What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders
Deployments are a part of life for the military spouse. Although you might go a few years in between, you are usually not surprised when you find out your spouse is going to have to go on one. Usually, you have some time to prepare. Some people know even a year before the deployment, most people find out with a few months to prepare.
Every once in a while, a deployment gets scheduled at the last minute. As you are working on planning your summer, you could find out that your husband has to deploy in early June. After booking a trip home for Christmas, you find out your spouse is going to be deployed two weeks before. A last minute deployment can knock the wind out of you but know you will be able to handle what is to come.
Here is what you can do when your spouse gets last minute deployment orders:
- Breathe- When you first hear that your spouse is actually going to deploy, you will feel like your heart has stopped. You might be thinking about how he wasn’t supposed to go or how he had just returned home not too long before. You might be thinking about what he was going to miss and feeling like you needed more time to prepare for this news. This is all normal. Deployments are no joke but remember to breathe. Take some time for yourself to adjust to the news. Go for a run, write in your journal or talk with a friend. Getting used to the idea of a deployment takes time and if they received last-minute deployment orders, you won’t have much time to adjust to what is about to happen.
- Cry- If you need to cry, do so. It really is okay. A lot of people need to cry it out in order to accept what is to come. I know that is how I cope with these types of things. Crying is how I can get my pain out and how I can focus on the next step. If you first reaction to a deployment is to cry into your spouse’s arms, do so. That doesn’t mean you don’t support them. It just means you are having a hard time with the news and you will need to figure out how you can get through it.
- Plan- Planning for a deployment is important, even if you only have a few days to do so. Look at how long they are supposed to be gone and make a plan for each month. Focus on you and your family. You will want to stay busy during the deployment and doing so requires a little bit of planning. If you can, plan a fun trip halfway through or even a party to celebrate that you have made it that far through the deployment.
- Think of the positives- Every deployment has positives. You might have to look hard for them but they are there. Were you in need of a new car? Maybe the deployment pay can help with that. Saving for a house? Deployment pay can help you get into one faster. Think about the benefits of a deployment and focus on those. More time to read, more time to work out and fewer clothes to wash each week.
- Connect- Find other military spouses to connect with. This will help with the deployment and accept that it is actually coming. If you know any of the other spouses that will also be dealing with this deployment too, make a plan for a lunch or dinner before or right after the deployment starts. Getting through a deployment will be easier with friends by your side. You will also need people to help support you while your spouse is gone.
No one wants a last minute deployment but they can happen. If this has happened to you, know that you can get through this just like you would if you had more time. In some ways, not having as long to worry about the deployment could be a blessing in the end.
Has your spouse received last minute deployment orders? How did you handle that?
The Perfect Duty Station Wish List
The Perfect Duty Station Wish List
We got lucky. Maybe because he was going back into the Army at a time when they really needed more people to join, maybe it was just luck, but when my husband re-joined the military in 2005, he was given his choice of where he wanted to be stationed. The choices were Europe, Hawaii, Ft. Campbell and South Korea. I don’t think we could have gone with him on that last one. Before he left for MEPS we talked about our desire to be stationed in Europe. So while he didn’t get a chance to talk to me about his decision, he wanted Europe and he knew I did too.
When I picked him up from MEPS, I thought he would tell me about how he would have to re-do basic. Instead, he told me we were going to Europe and he would be leaving in 2 weeks!
Fast forward a few years later and it was time to re-enlist. My husband was given another choice. We debated between Ft. Campbell and Ft. Irwin. Ft. Irwin would have been just 3 hours from home, yet the post was in the middle of nowhere. We had just come from Germany where we had lived about 30 minutes from post. We wanted to be in a place where we could have access to an American city with all the things we had been missing while we were overseas. We wanted our children to be able to go to off-post schools and to be able to have somewhat of a life beyond the military post. He put in for Ft. Campbell and that is where we ended up.
I know a lot of people don’t get a say in where they get to go. A lot of times the needs of the military take over. And the higher in rank, the fewer positions there are. Still, some people do get to choose and that choice is a big one. You have to decide where you want to live for the next 3-5 years. How do you even know where would be best? There are so many different factors to think about.
Here is what you should think about when creating your perfect duty station wish list:
- Close to the family- How close to family do you want to be? Does your family live in a military town? Maybe you don’t get along and want to be as far away from them as possible. I always think about what life would have been like if we had been stationed just 3 hours from home. Our lives would have been very different.
- Beach/Mountains- Some people want to be right by the beach. Others love the mountains and what they have to offer. You might think about which duty stations are by your ideal location and see if you can go there.
- Duty station location- Maybe you have always wanted to live in the Pacific North West. Maybe you have dreamed about living in the south one day. The military is a great opportunity to experience living in different places in the US and even the world.
- Adventure- In for an adventure? Try to go overseas or in a place you never ever thought you would be able to live. Some military duty stations are more exciting than others. Picking a place out of your comfort zone might be the best idea. A lot of people worry about being overseas. Being overseas is different from what you are used to but going overseas or even Alaska or Hawaii can be a great opportunity for you and your family. Fun Fact: According to the Military, Alaska and Hawaii are overseas locations 🙂
- Spouse’s career goals- Sometimes you will have to go somewhere based on your spouse’s career. They need to be stationed at certain places or they need to go certain places to attend a certain school. This can be hard when where they need to go isn’t a place you would want to pick. Don’t lose hope, sometimes you can have the best experiences in a location you never thought you would like.
- Weather- When my husband was 19 years old he joined the Army for the first time. He was sent to Ft. Drum, NY. A California boy, in upstate NY. Talk about a weather change. Weather can be a factor. If you love your four seasons, putting in for California might not be ideal. If you can’t stand the snow, stay away from the northern locations. I am not sure how I would have handled a place like NY or Alaska. I feel like Tennessee is too cold for me 🙂
At the end of the day, you will go where the military wants your spouse to go. Sometimes you get a say, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes they ask and ignore what you have said and other times they will honor that. If you are given a choice, think about what you want and the type of place you want to be. If you don’t get your first few choices, remember, you can still bloom where you are stationed and can make the best of any duty station you might end up at.
Did your spouse get to choose your current duty station? What went into that decision?
8 Tips for Military Spouses That Struggle With Anxiety
8 Tips for Military Spouses That Struggle With Anxiety
Anxiety is rough. Anxiety goes beyond worry and a lot of time anxiety doesn’t make any sense. Anxiety can be brought on by stress and can be very difficult to deal with. As a military spouse, anxiety can bring up even more issues and knowing what to do when anxiety hits can be difficult.
Over the years I have experienced anxiety as a military spouse. I have cried more than I should. I have felt physical pain because of how anxious I was. I have been anxious about my kids, my car, my home, my husband, my future, money or anything else that could come up. I hate anxiety and yet some days I wake up to it, wishing it would leave me alone.
When you have a basic worry about something, you can look at the facts of the situation and talk yourself into not worrying about that issue anymore. Anxiety is a little different. Anxiety is feeling like you are worried about something but it might not even be a logical worry. Because it isn’t always so logical, anxiety is a lot more difficult to deal with.
Here are 8 tips for military spouses that struggle with anxiety:
1. It isn’t just you- Remember that you are not the only military spouse struggling with anxiety. You are not the only one trying to figure out how to be a supportive military spouse and dealing with the anxious thoughts you have or the pressure you feel from your anxiety. So many of us are dealing with this too.
2. It might not make sense- Anxiety is weird and as I said before, anxiety doesn’t always make any sense. I ask myself all the time why some days getting in a car is so hard for me and others it is as normal as brushing my teeth.
3. Seek extra help- If your anxiety gets to the point where you feel like you just can’t live a normal life anymore, talk to your doctor about what is going on. See about going to see a counselor. This will help a lot. Just being able to talk to a non-judgemental person who can offer you good advice can really go a long way.
4. Create a peaceful place in your home- When my husband was deployed the last time I created a special place in my home that I could go to when I was feeling really anxious. This allowed me a safe place where I could cry things out, write in my journal or just get back to a better place. See if you can create a place like this in your home to go to when you are feeling anxious.
5. Talk to others about anxiety- Talking to others about anxiety is helpful. People, in general, want to present themselves as having everything all together but so many of us are struggling with something. Talk to your good friends about what is going on. They might be able to offer their own stories and you can help one another out.
6. Take time for yourself- Yes, we need to stay busy during a deployment but we also need to take care of ourselves. If going out every day is too much for you, take a day off for yourself. If taking on one more thing is going to be too much, just say no. Make sure you are finding ways to take care of you even if it is something simple like a nightly bubble bath.
7. Dance it out- Dance, work out, do yoga, walk, run, find some type of exercise that you can do every day. This will help motivate you to get out of your house and help you as you make your way through military life.
8. Tell your spouse- Talk to your spouse about your struggles. Let them know how they can help. They might not understand what you are going through. They might not see how hard something simple is for you sometimes. Be open and honest with them so they can help support you.
Anxiety is something I will probably have to deal with for the rest of my life. Whether my husband is in the military or not. Whether we are going through difficult situations or not. Having good methods to help with my anxiety is a must.
Do you struggle with anxiety? What helps?
Marriage During a Deployment
Marriage During a Deployment
We just celebrated our 14th anniversary this past week. In those 14 years we have gone through 4 deployments and have spent a lot of time apart. More time than I ever thought we would or would have wanted for us. Our deployments were all different. The first, in 2006-2007 was about 15 months long. The second one was in 2008-2009 and was a year. Then in 2011 he was gone for 5 months. In 2013 he was gone for 6 months. These deployments have all been challenging in their own ways.
Marriage during a Deployment can be one of the most difficult things you will go through as a couple. Deployments can make or break a marriage. Some say that marriages that break up after deployments were just not strong enough in the first place. There are a lot of factors that go into while a couple doesn’t make it. Hardships that couples go through can be a big factor. Deployments can be one of those hardships.
Going Through a Deployment is a Hardship
Knowing that the deployment is going to be a hardship on your marriage is important. That way you won’t be surprised when things get hard. You might not be able to talk to your spouse as often as you would like. You might feel like you never have time to be a couple while he is overseas. It might feel like this is how things will always be. This can be exhausting and it might feel too overwhelming to work on your marriage when they are gone. It is very important that you do celebrate your marriage during a deployment even when it is hard to do so.
Deployments Will Change You
Remember that a deployment will change you as well as your spouse. You will grow as a person. You will learn new skills. When they get home, it will take time to get to know each other again. You have been living apart, you have not had each other like you did before. It’s important that you work together to get through these changes and recognize them. I always get a little more independent when my husband is away. When he gets home it can be challenging to have someone else making decisions in the household too. I had been so used to making them all myself.
You Will Feel “Unmarried”
I always felt “unmarried” when my husband was gone for long periods of time. I didn’t feel married even though I knew I had a husband. I didn’t have someone to come home to each night and I slept alone. I was the only one taking care of the children. At the same time I never felt single. I didn’t feel like I was all alone and I knew that I had a spouse out there that loved me. Feeling “unmarried” is weird and it can be a frustrating way to feel. You might get jealous when you see other couples. You might get angry that your spouse has to be away from you and others don’t have to go through that.
You Will Worry About After They Come Home
As the deployment moves along you will start to get more and more excited about the homecoming. At the same time you might start to worry about what life will be like after they come home. You might have worries about PTSD, you know some service members struggle with it. You might worry about how things are going to be after so much time apart. You may have been pregnant when they left and now you have a baby and worry that it will be hard for your husband to adjust to parenthood since you did it months before.
Marriage during a deployment looks weird. You might feel like your husband lives in your phone or that you are alone in the world, at least temporarily. Remember everything the two of you have been through. Remember when you fell in love and all the memories you have had. Try to be patient with them as well as the way the military is. Try to remember that they might not be the same person they were when they come home and that after the homecoming, life can still be stressful as you get used to each other again.
Leave me a comment and let me know if you have been through a deployment before or if you are going through one right now.
5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment
5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment
It was our 5th anniversary. I woke up that morning and something was different, something was off. We had spent our 1st anniversary on a weekend getaway, our 2nd, 3rd and 4th we had a nice dinner together. But this was number 5. That’s a big deal when you are newly married. 5 years is longer than high school or college and gives you enough time to look back on where you have been. But this anniversary was going to be different. He was deployed. He was in Iraq and we would not be spending it together.
I knew that in order to have a good day I would have to make it so. We would not be going on any trips or going out to dinner. We wouldn’t be going to the movies or a play or even just spending the day together. No, this anniversary would be different.
I decided to order a steak dinner from a local restaurant and have the food delivered after my little boys went to bed. I ate the dinner sitting in front of the computer waiting for my husband to come online. Celebrating your anniversary this way is normal for a military spouse.
Anniversaries are there to celebrate your marriage. You celebrate the time you have had together. To look at the past and look forward to the future. Celebrating your marriage is important. Whether you have only been married a year or for fifty years.
But how do you celebrate your marriage when they are deployed or away at a training? How do you celebrate when your heart aches for them? What can you do to feel closer?
Here are some ideas on how to celebrate your marriage during a deployment…
1. Write love letters- Love letters are the best. You could write your husband a love letter about how much you celebrate your marriage. Talk about when you first got married and your hopes for the future. You can pour out your heart on pretty stationary and mail it off to him. You can send him a series of letters or even a funny card.
2. Make a scrapbook- There is nothing better than going through old photos and looking back on previous memories during your marriage. You can take some time and put together a scrapbook for your deployed spouse. You could keep it simple and just put photos in an album or you could use stickers, cute paper and add a bit of journaling to the book. You could also make a book on a website like Shutterfly.
3. Send a care package- Put together a special anniversary care package. You can decorate the box however you want and include some of your favorite items. Think about what your spouse would love to see in a love themed package from you.
4. Have a Skype date- Planning when they will be online might be difficult but if you can plan for a special Skype date on your anniversary, go for it. You could sit and talk over dinner. You could plan to watch the same movie at the same time or just enjoy being able to see each other on the video. You could also do this over the phone instead. This is not going to replace a real date but it’s the best way to spend time together when you are miles apart.
5. Make plans for after the deployment- If you can’t celebrate your marriage during the deployment, make plans to do so after. You could plan a special trip or even just a meal at a nice restaurant. You can always celebrate your anniversary later. There is no rule that it has to be on that day. We have been able to celebrate our anniversaries months later by making a plan for a getaway when we were able to after a deployment.
Leave a comment and let me know how you have celebrated your marriage during a deployment. Have you done anything special and creative?
When They Are Deployed During Your Baby’s 1st Year
I never thought much about being a solo parent before my husband joined the military. I always assumed that when we would have kids, he would be there. He would be there for the pregnancy, the first year, the terrible twos and everything else.
However, that isn’t what happened. He was deployed when my 2nd son was born and didn’t come home from that deployment until he was almost a year old.
Because of that long deployment, my husband missed the 1st year of my son’s life. He missed him starting to roll over and become mobile. He missed him crawling and saying his first words. He missed starting solid food and learning to stand.
He missed so much because the 1st year of your baby’s life is filled with a lot of firsts. That year is such a special one and my husband experienced everything through photos and minimal videos.
The truth is, deployments happen whether you have babies or not. As a military spouse, you have to accept this and make the best of everything. The challenge comes with wanting them to be home and wanting to cherish your baby’s first year.
This isn’t easy and it can be difficult to find the balance between the two. How can you fully embrace your current life when a big part of that is missing, overseas in a war zone?
How do you not rush through all of your baby’s 1st? How do you make the best of things when their dad is away?
1) Document everything- Take photos, videos and a lot of notes. Send them weekly. Your baby is going to change a lot week by week. Your spouse will want to see them grow.
You could make a scrapbook or simply send the photos. You could also just post them online if your spouse can see them. I know my husband loved seeing all the photos I sent during the deployments. Don’t forget to send photos with you in them too. Your spouse would love to see those as well.
2) Journal- Journaling is the best thing to do during a deployment. You want to have a place to go to get out everything you are feeling. About your mood, about your day and what you are dealing with on a regular basis.
In your journal, you can include information about your baby. You can always read this part to your spouse after they come home or include some of it in a letter to him. Journaling will help you get your feelings out and that is a big part of going through a deployment.
3) Keep Perspective- Keeping perspective is the hardest thing to do when you are going through a difficult time. Yes, you miss your spouse and it totally sucks that they are gone and missing your baby’s first year.
However, you get to be with your baby. You get to see everything. You get to be apart of it all and you get to be the one to help your spouse experience some of what they are missing back home.
Remember, deployments won’t last forever and most people do not have to experience such a long deployment like I had to. Yes, your husband is missing a lot right now but he will be home and be able to make memories with you and your children again soon. Remember that.
4) Stay Busy- I know staying busy is the most common advice you can get about surviving a deployment but it’s so true. The busier you are, the more time will fly. Just keep busy doing fun activities that your children enjoy.
If you have older children, make plans for them and bring your baby along. If the baby is your only child, make plans to go to playdates and walks to get out of the house. Find other mom friends and try to work on yourself as you can. Staying busy with your baby will help you enjoy that first year but also allow time to pass so your spouse will be home with you again.
Missing a lot of their child’s first year is hard for service members. It can also be hard on the parent who is at home. Wanting to enjoy that first year fully but also wanting the year to go by so they can get back to regular family life. This isn’t easy and one of those things military spouses have to deal with during their years as a military family.
Has your own spouse been away for your baby’s first year? How did you deal with it?
Planning Vacations as a Military Family
I have received compensation for this post from TravelCenters of America. All opinions and work are my own.
Planning Vacations as a Military Family
“They took away my weekend pass.” He said.
“What? How is that possible? We are leaving tomorrow!”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying. We had been in Germany just about two months and we had planned our first trip. We were going to take the train to Salzburg and meet up with a friend of mine that live in Austria. We would spend two nights in Salzburg exploring the city. Salzburg was the first city on my Germany bucket list. And now my husband tells me he can’t go.
Little did I know that this can happen. In our case, I was able to put my son in hourly for the next day. My husband picked him up after work and stayed with him while I went on ahead and met my friend in Austria. My friend and I had a great time but we lost money on the train tickets and I always wonder what that trip could have been like.
Months later I was sitting at the base travel agent getting ready to buy tickets to California. I had probably asked my husband about ten times if it was okay to buy them. He was coming home from deployment and then we were going to fly to California for a month. If I bought the tickets and the dates changed, we would be out money. I was so worried that his homecoming date would change yet again. He assured me that they had assured them that this is when their leave would be and we were okay to buy tickets. So I did, I worried the whole time but I did and we were able to go to California as planned.
One of the truths about military life is that plans are never set in stone until they happen.
There are many reasons why there could be delays. Leave can be canceled or changed. So what can a military family to in order to plan a vacation? How can you make plans for anything without running the risk of losing money? What are you to do?
So what can a military family do in order to plan a vacation? How can you make plans for anything without running the risk of losing money? What are you to do?
Over the years I have learned the hard way about what you can do and what you should do when you are a military family who wants to plan a vacation. I hope these tips can help you to military proof your vacation plans…
1. Know that things can change. One thing you have to do is know that things can change. Know that you might have to change your dates around or deal with canceled leave. Knowing this is a possibility ahead of time will help you deal with the disappointment a little better when a cancellation or delay happens. I had no idea they could take away your leave after you booked your trip, but that is what happened. After that, I knew that things could change, even at the last-minute.
2. Find good companies. I have learned that if you can go with companies that allow you to change your dates for free or for a low price, do so. This isn’t always possible but before you book anything to find out what you would have to do to change your dates. That way you will know what you will be dealing with if plans change. Some companies might even accept deployment orders as a reason for why you are having to change the date.
3. Be flexible on your dates if you can. If possible, keep your dates open-ended. This is possible if you are visiting family and don’t have to book anything. Let your family know that the dates are tentative and you are not 100% sure those will be the actual dates you are there. This will help with any expectations your family has about when they will see you.
4. Have a backup plan. Always have a backup plan. What would you do if your spouse’s leave was cancelled? Would you go on the trip without your spouse? Would you postpone for another time? Cut the trip short? By having a plan you will know what your next step is if things change.
5. Don’t tell the kids. For the love, don’t tell your kids. I know that is hard for some people, I want to tell my kids the minute we have plans to go anywhere. But a lot of kids won’t understand that changing things last-minute is how the military works. You don’t want to have to deal with a child that thought they were going to their favorite amusement park and then they were not.
Speaking of traveling…as it is summertime right now, a lot of you will be out on the roads taking vacations. I wanted to let you know about how TravelCenters of America are honoring Active Military and Veterans. For six weeks this summer travel season, customers are encouraged to visit TravelCenters of America LLC (TravelCenters TA® and Petro Stopping Centers®) to support military heroes.
TravelCenters is honoring the sacrifice of active military personnel and veterans by encouraging restaurant guests to order a meal in support of the National Military Family Association (NMFA), a nonprofit that works to strengthen and protect military families. From June 28 to August 5, participating Country Pride and Iron Skillet locations will donate $1.00 to the NMFA for each entrée ordered from a select group of menu items.
How great is that?