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What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

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What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

It was 2006, and I was new to Germany and the Military life. My FRG leader was giving me a ride across the post, and she was talking about the upcoming ball that we were going to have. I was excited. I knew the military had balls but to be able to go to one seemed like a dream.

Milspouse friends

She told me about the food and what to expect. She went through the ceremony part of the ball. I learned a lot that day. Other spouses told me what a deployment was like. They had been there before, and since I was new, I had no idea what to expect.

The amazing thing about the Military community is that spouses help one another out along the way.

As a new military spouse, I was able to learn about everything military. I learned about the Army lingo, what preparing for a deployment would be like, how to pack things up before a PCS, how to send mail to my husband overseas, how to dress for a ball, and what to do to get through the last few weeks of a deployment.

I listened to other spouses who had been doing this military thing longer than I had. I knew not everything they told me would be my experience as an Army wife, but I knew that I could gain a lot from listening to them and hearing what they had to say.

As a seasoned military spouse, I am still learning about military life.

Milspouse Life

The National Guard life is still so new to me. I was used to active duty life, but now things are different. Over the years I will learn more and more and will figure out this part of military life too.

We, military spouses, can all help each other out. No matter what hardship you might be going through, someone else has probably gone through something similar before. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and try to help others out that might need it.

There is something comforting about knowing you are not the first person to go through a particular situation.

And as clueless as you might feel at the beginning of military life, know you will learn more and more as the years go by. And as you do, you will be able to help others too.

Once you have been through a deployment, you will know what helped you and can share what did. Once you have been through a PCS move, you can offer your tips and let others know what you wish you had known before you moved.

Over time you too will become the seasoned spouse, able to offer your experiences to help other, newer spouses out.

What You Can Learn From Other Military Spouses

Life is about learning and military life is no different. There is so much to be gained from hearing from others and what they have been through. There is so much to be gained from opening up to others about your story and experiences.

Military life is filled with twists and turns. The military will surprise you, even if you are prepared. But even in those circumstances, even if you feel like you are the only one going through that particular issue, sharing what you have gone through can still be helpful so don’t be afraid to do so.

What is one bit of advice you could offer to other milspouses?

Here are more blog posts on military life:

When You Can’t Find Your Milspouse Tribe

The Truth About Military Life, In 30 Military Life Memes

Military Life is Hard and It’s Okay To Say So

Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don’t Want To

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Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don’t Want To

Over the years that I have been a military spouse, I have done a lot without my husband. I moved to Germany without him. I gave birth without him. I flew space-A without him. I have survived.

Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don't Want To

 

When you are a military spouse, you learn to do a lot without your partner by your side. You have to. They simply are not going to be there for everything. You can’t depend on them for things as others can. You have to learn to do it yourself.

When you first become a military spouse, this can be a shock to the system. Even if you married a military service member, getting used to them not being around can be tough.

While other newlyweds work together to form their marriage during the first year, you might have had to do that through Skype and letters. You are in your home, they are overseas, and figuring out the balance of all that can take some time.

Milspouse

While other couples talk about every parenting decision, we sometimes have to make them on our own.

Communication isn’t always possible and sitting down over dinner discussing the situation is out of the question.

When something breaks in the house, it’s all you. YouTube can be your best friend here and in other cases, you will have to call someone to fix the problem. Even though you know your spouse could do it in five minutes.

You are the one to make sure the lawn is mowed. You might have to hire someone or break down and learn how to do the lawn yourself.

Milspouse

Dinner? That’s all you. Unless you have older children, you are the one doing all the cooking. Pizza is an excellent solution for those crazy nights you just can’t make yourself cook.

You wait to hear when homecoming will be. Hoping they will make it back in time for your daughter’s graduation, knowing they might not.

There are so many times when you will be the one to have to solve the problems back at home.

You do this because you know that they can’t. You do this because you know when they are gone they are gone for a good reason. You do this because if you didn’t? Everything would fall apart.

There are the little things you miss when they are gone. On the weekends, there is no one to ask to put the kids to bed or to allow you a break to sleep in. You are on until your kids go to sleep and need to be ready the minute they wake up in the morning.

You will miss the little jokes you have between each other. The looks. The moments only you two understand.

So as a military spouse you will find that you don’t need your husband. That he can come and go and you can run the house without him. That you can keep everything going, keep the kids alive, and grow as a person, even when they are deployed.

 

Yes You Can Handle Life Without Your Spouse, Even If You Don't Want To

You will find your inner strength to do more than you thought that you could. What seemed impossible a few years ago is now commonplace. You will learn more about yourself and find out how strong you are.

You will figure out you don’t need your spouse around, but you will find that you want him there.

You want the friendship you two have. You want the co-parenting challenges you will have together. You want the companionship, even if you are both sitting there not talking.

You will miss all of this and then realize that you will have this all again someday. That homecoming day will come. That you will have a normal life once again. That you will be able to have everything that you have been missing.

And when that happens you will also know that you can handle deployments. That when they have to go again, you will be able to hold down the fort. That you got this, whatever comes your way.

What is one thing you have done during a deployment that you didn’t think you could do but had to anyway?

To the Military Spouse That Does Not Live in a Military Community

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Military Spouse

To the Military Spouse That Does Not Live in a Military Community

Almost three years ago, my husband ended his time in the active duty army and joined the National Guard. In some ways, this was a big change for us. Leaving active duty is a challenge and one that we have had to work through. He no longer wore the uniform on a daily basis, we started paying for Tricare, and PCSing was no longer an option for us.

However, since we decided to stay in the Fort Campbell area, we still live in a military community. Most of my friends are married to someone in the Army, we can shop at the commissary as often as we want to, and I know when my husband deploys again, I will have that local support.

Milspouse

I am very aware that this is not the norm for a National Guard family. 

I know that for some, there is no local military community. Maybe they know a few of the spouses, maybe not. Maybe they have some family that has served, maybe not. Being a part of a military community can be an enjoyable experience, but that isn’t always the case for every military spouse.

Being far removed from the military community can feel like you are walking this road alone, but you are not.

There might not be anyone in your town that you can relate to, but there are plenty of other spouses out there in our country that totally understand.

Whatever challenges you have had to face, whatever frustrations you are having, and however hard a deployment seems, there are others who have been through it too.

Milspouse

So what can you do when you don’t have access to a local military community?

Look for other military spouses

The truth is, there are other military spouses in your area, you just don’t know who they are. If your spouse’s unit happens to have an FRG, find out when they meet. If you are not sure, start asking around. If you feel you are up to it, ask if you can volunteer.

Check with your local churches and mom groups. See if anyone has any military ties. You never know who is connected with the military or who knows someone who is that can put you in touch. If you live in a bigger city, it’s even possible that there are some military support groups there.

No, you don’t have a local base to go to, but you might be able to find other military spouses you never knew were there.

Go online

When you don’t live in a military community, online is going to be your best friend. There are so many groups on Facebook to search through. There is a National Guard group, a group I started for military spouse support and plenty of other military spouse groups to get connected with.

Sometimes online friends can become your best friends. Through group discussions, private messages, and sharing our struggles, we can connect with each other and find our people. Someday, we can even meet up if life allows us to.

Although you might struggle to find the military spouse community in your local area, the military spouse community is very much active and alive online.

Milspouse

Find good friends

Sometimes our civilian friends can be our biggest cheerleaders. Maybe they don’t quite understand what we are going through, but that is okay. There are other spouses that might be able to relate to a husband being away and not always being able to be there for us.

Not everyone will understand, and some people will make stupid comments. That part of connecting with people can get old and is very frustrating. But see if you can look beyond that.

Some people mean well and are not trying to make you upset. Others can be your rock through your most difficult times, even if their spouse has never served.

Get involved in your community. Reach out and connect with others. The benefits of doing so will be worth it. There are plenty of people out there that love and support the military and want to help when they can. Let them.

Whether you are a National Guard or Reserve spouse or don’t live in a military community, know that you can find support even if it is just online. That others are going through what you are and that there is beauty in finding good friends. 

 

 

Dear Military Spouse, You Are Stronger Than You Think

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Dear Military Spouse, You Are Stronger Than You Think

Dear Military Spouse, You Are Stronger Than You Think

You military spouse are stronger than you think.

Whether you are faced with another year-long deployment or a pcs to a country you never thought you would ever even visit, let alone live, you are stronger than you think.

Whether you are struggling with your three kids, three and under or struggling with infertility, you are stronger than you think.

Whether you just can’t seem to make ends meet or you are upset that you can’t find the right job using your degree, you are stronger than you think.

Whether your spouse joined the military after being married a couple of years or you are about to walk down the aisle to the love of your life, standing there waiting for you in their uniform, you are stronger than you think.

Whether your spouse is deployed to a dangerous location or your spouse is helping out in a natural disaster on the other side of the state, you are stronger than you think.

Whether your spouse is re-enlisting for a few more years or you only have about 60 days left until their ETS dates, you are stronger than you think.

Whether you are heartbroken about having to say goodbye to your best friend who is PCSing away, a year before you are or you are struggling to make a new friend at the duty station you have lived at for over a year, you are stronger than you think.

Whether your own family lives three hours away or 13 hours on a plane, you are stronger than you think.

You see military spouse, no matter what you are going through, no matter what your current struggle might be or what you have ahead of you, you are stronger than you think.

You will get through this, you will and through your experiences, you will grow stronger through each and every one of them.

Take each day and make it your own. Figure out the best way to stay busy and work on yourself. Decide to make the best of every situation but give yourself permission to cry it out if you need to. Find good and valuable friends and if you can’t, try new places and get out and explore. Write in your journal, write letters to your spouse, write letters to your mom, write letters to your best friend and know they have your back too.

One day, your spouse will end their military career. One day, being deployed will be a thing of the past. One day you will look back on these years and wonder how you even made it through. One day you will see how far you have come and will be able to take everything that you have learned and help others in the future.

Military spouse, we all have a story. 

We all have something we have gone through, and all had things in our lives that were struggles. You see military spouse, you are stronger than you think you are and you can make it in this life, standing by your spouse, all the way to the end of their military road.

Deployment Debates: Who Has it Harder?

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Deployment Debates: Who Has it Harder?

Oh, the deployment debates. Who truly does have it harder? Is it the spouse who went through a 15-month deployment? The one married to an over the road truck driver? The Guard spouse who is dealing with monthly drills?

Fun fact: I have been all three of these spouses.

We had four deployments while my husband was on active duty. The shortest was about 5.5 months, the longest 15. Then my husband got out of active duty, and a few months later he became an over the road truck driver. He did this for about 14 months while serving in the National Guard. After that, he worked another job with very long hours. Now he works a local job that has him home at a “normal” hour most nights and has his monthly drills. This summer he will go to his “two-week” training. Over the years he has had his share of CQ, week or month long trainings, and other times he has had to be away from us.

Some years felt like he was always gone.

Other years he was home more often. None of the time away was easy, but some of it was easier than others. But here is the thing. The 15-month deployment? That wasn’t our hardest deployment, and I would want to do almost anything else besides have him be an over the road truck driver again. If I was given a choice, 15-month deployment or truck driving? I would have to think about it and in the end, would probably choose the truck driving. Only because I could talk to him whenever I wanted to, saw him at least every few weeks, and he wouldn’t be in a war zone. But that choice wouldn’t be an easy one.

Go into any Facebook group for military spouses, and you are probably going to see people talking about this. Who does have it harder? Who misses their spouse the most? Who is having a more difficult time?

Even if their struggles seem smaller than yours, other people can still be struggling.

The truth is, we don’t know what everyone is going through. We see everyone’s highlight reel while we have the whole book on our own lives.

There is no reason to debate about who has it worse. Because we will never be able to measure that.

However, simply talking about our experiences can be a good thing. As military spouses, we each have our own stories about what we have been through. The brand new spouse can benefit from hearing about how a seasoned spouse got through her year-long deployment. We can ask each other questions and vent about issues we all experience. We can help one another through our stories as well as our frustrations.

If my husband keeps getting deployed over and over and you tell me you wish that yours would, that is going to be difficult to take.

I am not going to be in a place to be able to understand what you are going through at the moment. I am just hoping and praying my husband gets a break, and you are hoping and praying for the opposite. But later on, I can look back and understand why you felt that way. I can be compassionate and see that all you wanted was for your spouse to be able to go and do what he was trained for.

As we go through this military life, we are going to meet people that have had a harder time with deployments than we have. We are going to meet people who struggled a lot more than we did with having children. We are going to meet people who have more struggles in their marriages.

So when the deployment debates start, when people are trying to figure out who has it harder, remember, we are all on our own paths, dealing with our own struggles, just trying to figure out the best way to make it through this crazy military life. 

To The Military Spouse With Toddlers

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To The Military Spouse With ToddlersTo The Military Spouse With Toddlers

2007 was a year for me. I had a newborn, two-year-old and a deployed husband. We were in Germany and man, that was quite the challenge. The toddler years are rough for anyone, add in the Military and a deployment, and you can find yourself in a stressful situation.

These days we are just months away from that two-year-old turning 13 and becoming a teenager. My newborn? He will be 11 this year, and his “baby” brother is almost 6.5. Time goes by, and kids grow up. The toddler years, as difficult as they are, go by and soon you find yourself in a different stage of life.

As I look back on those years, the ones where I had two in diapers, the ones that never seemed like they would end, I am reminded of how difficult they were for me and how much I struggled with them. People tell me that the teen years are worse and I pray that isn’t true for us because those toddler years? They just about did me in.

I do wonder what those years would have been like had my husband never deployed. Would I have been more patient? Would those years have been easier? Would I even know how much harder things could have been?

So, to the military spouse with toddlers that is feeling so burned out and frustrated, know that I have been there. I know what that is like.

What it is like…

  • To wake up in the morning and wonder how you are going to make it through the day with these kids. To have to find things to do and ways to occupy your time.
  • To not have someone coming home later that night to help. To be the only parent in the house. To be the one that does everything when it comes to the kids. To be both mom and dad for months at a time.
  • To wonder what the heck you are going to make for dinner because your toddler only likes chicken nuggets and you hate to cook.
  • To be envious of friends who have never had to solo parent more than a day or two.
  • To countdown the hours until your husband is home from work, only the hours are weeks and work is Afghanistan.
  • To have to figure out how you will get all of your groceries, a baby and a two-year-old up to the third floor in one trip. You realize you can’t possibly do that, so you have to decide who is going to go first.
  • To not be the parent you want to be because you can’t seem to figure out how to do it all by yourself and you have to let things go.
  • To have to make decisions about your child all by yourself because you simply can’t talk with your spouse for more than five minutes at a time.
  • To not have any family nearby to help you out when you could use them.
  • To be so tired and exhausted that you can’t possibly imagine going another six months alone, but then you do.
  • To fly across the world with just you and the kids. Two in diapers, one still breastfeeding and knowing that you will probably get 500 stares along the way.

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So to the Military spouses with toddlers, it’s going to be okay.

You are living some of your hardest years as a parent, and you have to do a lot of that on your own. Sometimes it really sucks, and there isn’t much you can do to change that. You just have to remember that this too shall pass and this stage will be over before you know it.

You have to depend on your friends, have vent sessions, meet for coffee, take the kids to the park and relax when you can. Know that you are doing the best you can with the life you have. Know that kids do grow and things get a little better. Know that as your children get older, life will get a little easier. Know that you won’t always feel like you do right now. Kids grow. They start school. They learn how to use the potty. They learn how to get dressed without you. They learn how to make breakfast.

They do, I promise. And when you get to that stage, you will look back and remember the days when it didn’t seem like all that was possible.

Do you have toddlers? What are your tricks for getting through difficult days?

To the Military Spouse Worried About War

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To the Military Spouse Worried About War

I was in college on 9/11. I was dating my husband at the time and we pretty much already knew we would be getting married the next year. He was in IRR (Individual Ready Reserve) at the time.

When I heard that some IRR units were being activated, I started to freak out a bit. This was before we ever talked about him going back into the military, before I ever knew I would be a military spouse, before I ever thought about sending my husband off to war.

In the end, his unit did not get called up. It would be another five years before my husband would have to go to war. He started a deployment out of Germany in August of 2006.

That deployment was originally nine months, yet became 12 and then ended at about 15. That deployment was a difficult one for everyone. During this time we were right in the middle of the Iraq war.

So many people in the military were being deployed. So many men and women were going overseas.

Ever since then things have taken a tone towards “less war.” Yes, people are still getting deployed to very dangerous places. Yes, people are still going to war, but in the last few years, the tone has changed a bit.

This is to be expected. Things change over the years. Things change with different Presidents. Different decisions have to be made. The military ebbs and flows. If you have been a military spouse for more than a few years, you know this.

As tensions start to heat up again in places around the world, us military spouses can start to get a bit worried.

And rightly so. More war means more deployments. More war means more time away. More war means stepping up what it means to stand by someone serving in the military.

So to the military spouse worried about war, I get you. I know how scary this worry is, especially if you have never had to experience a deployment before. I think there is a good reason to be a bit worried when we hear about what is going on in the news.

Even though our head knows that going to war is exactly what our spouse has been trained for, even if we understand that on a logical level, our heart doesn’t quite get it.

Coming to peace with all this is a difficult thing to do. Coming to peace that our spouse, the mother or father of our children, the one we laugh with, make dinner with and enjoy life with will have to go somewhere scary is a difficult thing to do. Coming to peace with the realities of war, especially a long war, is a difficult thing to do.

So as you worry, know that so many of us are worried too. Know that we come from a long line of strong military spouses who have also sent their spouses off to war. That no matter what happens you will always have the sisterhood of other military spouses behind you.

There is nothing anyone can say that can totally take away the worry we military spouses face when we know the love our life is in a war zone.

We just have to figure out ways to get through, to try not to dwell on that part of the job, to move forward and make the best of the time away. This the reality of being married to a service member.

There are so many reasons why a deployment can be so challenging and having a spouse in a war zone is one of them. Let’s all remember that we can get through this, even if the days get hard, even if the nights get lonely and even if we get so scared that we are not sure what to do.

How do you make peace with this part of military life?

What You Can Do to Avoid Drama in Your Milspouse Life

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What You Can Do to Avoid Drama in Your Milspouse LifeWhat You Can Do to Avoid Drama in Your Milspouse Life

Drama. It’s everywhere, isn’t? You want to stay away but you can’t. You want to get out there and make friends, but you don’t want the drama that comes with that. The truth is, drama is everywhere, but you don’t have to let the frustration take over your experiences. You don’t have to make the drama the center of your world.

Here is what you can do to stay away from the drama beyond staying in your home with the doors locked. (Because sometimes that seems like the best plan.)

Walk away

It’s simple. If you see drama, walk away. You don’t have to be a part of the drama if it doesn’t concern you or something you are a part of. Sometimes when we get bored, drama sounds exciting, and we want to be a part of it, even if the situation isn’t our business. Just walk away.

Be choosy

When you are making friends, be choosy. If you meet someone and they seem to be all about the drama, keep your distance. You can still be nice to people and not get involved in their drama. You might have to work with people you don’t always get along with, that is life, but if you can set up boundaries for yourself, you will be better off. Keep in mind that most people who gossip about other people will probably turn around and do the same to you in the future.

What You Can Do to Avoid Drama in Your Milspouse Life

Be kind

If you can be kind to others, the kindness will spread. People are less likely to be rude and disrespectful when other people around them are being kind. This doesn’t mean you have to take it when other people are rude to you. You don’t have to put up with that, but you can also be kind in your responses to the way you handle those people. Being kind is a good trait to model for your kids as well. In their friendships and relationships with others.

Don’t engage

A lot of drama comes from engaging with others about the issue is. Pick your battles. Is it worth getting into a fight with the person down the street? Should you go after someone you met at the FRG meeting? When you have to live around other people, try to keep the peace. Of course, this isn’t always possible but check yourself before you engage someone else about their behavior and make sure letting go wouldn’t be the better thing to do.

Don’t be a rumor mill

Don’t spread rumors and make things worse, especially about other people. If someone tells you something in confidence, keep that to yourself. You don’t need to be sharing secrets if someone asked you not to. That is how you can break a friendship. If you hear something about someone you know, don’t assume the rumor is true. What you heard could have been made up by someone else.

Be the bigger person

At the end of the day, be the bigger person. Don’t go off on someone that annoyed you in a Facebook group. Let things go. You don’t even have to respond to their behavior. If you get involved in a situation with someone on your military community, try to be the bigger person. Seek advice from good friends on what you should do. Don’t feel like you have to get revenge on everyone who has wronged you. Hating other people will bring you down. So be the bigger person. That will make your life easier.

Talk things out

If you do run into a situation with someone else, talk things out. See if you can come to an understanding. Sometimes the drama is because two or more people don’t understand one another. And if you could talk things out, the situation can get cleared up, without a lot of drama.

At the end of the day, remember, you can’t make everyone like you, and you can’t please the whole world. You got to be you, and you also need to live in peace in your community. Yes, there is going to be drama, but you don’t have to be a part of that drama. Do what you can to stay away and live a better military spouse life.

Have you experienced milspouse drama? What did you do about it?