Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

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12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

Your spouse just deployed. What now? What are you supposed to do? Here are 12 things you must do as soon as your spouse deploys.

1. Have a good cry

If you feel like you need to cry, do so. Put on a Disney video for your kids, go into your room, and let it all out. Then pick yourself back up, and plan for the rest of your deployment. For a lot of people, crying is a way to get all the sadness out. And having a good cry can get you in a better place so don’t be afraid to do so.

2. Call your mom

Call your mom. She can be there for you. You can also call your mother-in-law, your sister, or anyone you know that will lend a listening ear. The start of a deployment can be pretty shocking. You have to get used to your new normal, and that will take some time. Reach out to someone and let them know what is going on.

Surviving deployment

3. List your support system

Make a list of your support system. This sounds silly but having a list of who you can count on when your spouse is deployed is a good idea. List people you can call to get together with, those who you can call if you need help with childcare, or those you simply want to be around. The sad truth is not everyone is going to be supportive so spend your time with those who will be, whether they are civilians or other military spouses.

4. Buy some ice cream

Go ahead and buy some ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s works. Keep some in your freezer for those nights when deployment gets a little too difficult. Don’t like ice cream? Buy some brownies or cookie mix or anything you like to have on hand during the more difficult periods of military life.

5. Fill up your calendar

Get a calendar; any will do. I prefer paper calendars, but others like to keep everything online. Whatever you use, fill up your calendar. Make plans. Look for local events, add those too. Make plans with friends. Stay busy. One of the best ways to get through this deployment is to stay busy. You are going to need to fill up that calendar to do so.

Fill up your calendar

6. Buy a journal

Writing in a journal during a deployment is a good way to have a space to get your feelings out. The best thing about it is that no one else has to see what you write. You can write out how angry you are that your husband had to deploy again or how your wife is going to miss your son’s 2nd birthday. There are so many pretty journals out there too, take a look.  (affiliate link)

7. Get some wine or Dr. Pepper, whatever works

Get some wine or Dr. Pepper or whatever your drink of choice is. You know not to go crazy with the stuff but having a glass after the kids go to bed can be very relaxing.

8. Book a trip

Plan a trip back home. Plan a vacation to visit a friend or to take your kids to Disneyland. Make these plans so that you have something to look forward to and can have fun even when your spouse is deployed. While it can be hard to travel when you have babies and smaller children, see what you can do. If you have a friend, you can travel together and help each other out with the kids as well as making make memories together.

surviving deployment

9. Plan regular get-togethers

Plan some regular get-togethers with friends. Have book club at your house every Friday night, plan to have a weekly or monthly dinner with some of your friends with deployed spouses, or plan to meet at the park every Monday to get the kids out of the house and to have some coffee with your friends. Having these regular get-togethers can make the deployment go by so much faster.

10. Buy some stationary

You are going to want to write your spouse when they get an address. Go pick out some cute stationery to send to them.  Here are some stationary ideas! (affiliate link) Love letters during a deployment are the best!

11. Go to the post office

Get yourself to the post office or order supplies online. You will want to send care packages. Some get into this and send packages with the most creative of themes. Others send packages as their spouse needs things such as baby wipes or their favorite candy.

12. Read deployment posts

There are quite a few milspouse bloggers that write about deployments. You can learn a lot from these posts as each blogger brings their own experiences about deployment to their writing. They can give you an idea of how to get through your own deployment. Here are my deployment posts for you to read.

What do you do as soon as your spouse deploys?

5 Things I Have Learned During My Time As A Solo Parent

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16 years ago, my husband went to a recruiter for the Army reserves. We walked out of the place and said, “Nope, that isn’t going to be an option for us.” One reason was that he would have to drive a few hours to get to his monthly drills. Another reason was that I would have to be a solo parent and I couldn’t imagine it.

Yep, I couldn’t see how I could parent by myself. Doing so didn’t seem possible. I laugh about that now.

Back then I had one little boy who wasn’t even a year old yet. I really didn’t think I could handle solo parenting. It sounded awful. Just being the only parent around for days, weeks, months at a time? How could we even be thinking about that?

Well, as it turned out, we decided that active duty Army was the way to go. He signed his papers and left for Germany. Instant solo parenting!

Over the years I have in fact gone days, weeks, months, and one time over a year as the only parent in the house. Over the years I have learned a lot about myself, my parenting, and about how to be with kids when you are the only one in charge.

1) Some things ARE easier by yourself.

Take middle-of-the-night feedings. My husband was gone when boy #2 was a newborn and when #3 was about two months old. That meant he just wasn’t there during the months that my babies woke up to eat in the middle of the night.

As hard as it was to do that alone, not worrying about waking him up was nice. I didn’t have to be extra quiet as I climbed out of bed. I could turn the light on if need be. It really did make the middle of the night times a little bit easier.

2) Sometimes you can only do what you can do.

When it is just you, when you are tired and lonely and worn down, you look at what is important. You don’t dwell so much on the little silly things. You focus on what needs to get done and do it. That can be freeing in some ways.

3) No butting heads about the little things.

Since you are the solo parent, you don’t tend to ask your spouse about all the little parenting choices you have to make. All the choices are all up to you. You never want to do something your spouse would hate but you also won’t butt heads over something small.

4) More time for yourself. More time to think.

After you put the kids to bed, you can have your me time. This will give you more time to think. To think about what went right, to think about what went wrong and what you can do better the next day.

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband after the kids go to bed when he is home, but when he isn’t, I take the time to reflect a little more than I do when he is around.

5) You can do more than you think you can.

Going back to 2005, I didn’t think I could handle being a solo parent. When people tell me they couldn’t do military life, I remember that. I remember that I didn’t think I could either. Is it hard? Yep. Do you just want your spouse home when they are away? Yep. Can you make things work if you have to? Yes you can.

Whether your spouse is in the Military or has another job that keeps them away sometimes, solo parenting can be draining. Find some good support systems to help you through. Realize that you will have to let things go and enjoy the time that you do have together. You can get through it, I know that you can.

What a Government Shutdown Means to a Military Family

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I live in a military town, and many of the people I know here have a connection to the military in one way or another. That means that when there is a government shutdown, most of the people around here have to deal with the consequences of that.

While it seems hardly anyone in Washington even thinks about what a government shutdown means to a military family, those of us who are living it, feel the pain of the shutdown in many different ways. We already might be struggling, trying to figure out how to navigate military life and now we have an added stress upon us, until the government figures out how to fix all of this.

One of the biggest issues is, of course, pay.

Sure, active duty military will eventually get paid. But when? Luckily banks such as USAA and Navy Fed are stepping in to help.

However, those banks can’t help the emotional stress this type of thing can bring. Most people count on a regular paycheck, that is why they work. They put in their time, get paid, repeat. When there is a chance that pay can be disrupted, emotions can be all over the place.

If a service member is deployed, the idea that you wouldn’t get a regular paycheck is terrifying.

Here your spouse is, putting themselves in harm’s way, and while they are doing this the family has to stress about possibly not get paid? Why does America think this is an okay thing to do? The military should always get paid, on time, without question.

Government Shutdown

Beyond issues of pay, there are other factors we have to think about.

Here at Fort Campbell, the Commissary closed during previous government shutdowns. Now, since we do live in an American city, we have other choices, but at the same time, there are some things you can get at the Commissary for cheaper than in another grocery store in the area. While not having access to the Commissary here won’t cause anyone to starve, it can mess with a budget, especially if the government shutdown lasts a long time.

Friends who are overseas might have to deal with other issues from not getting their mail to possibly not being able to move when they need to or even to get orders that they should. In previous years, AFN services were unavailable during this time. While this does not seem like that big of a deal, it still messes with the morale of the service member and their families.

The National Guard and the Reserves can be hit hard when monthly drills, classes, and trainings are canceled.

This means less pay for the family that is probably depending on it. This means a setback for someone who is trying to further their career. This means that we will be less prepared and that is never a good thing for our country.

Beyond the military, there are other downsides to this government shutdown, with National Parks and even the Smithsonian possibly having to close to not being paid for a federal job. The shutdown causes havoc and the longer it goes on, the worse it will be.

As military spouses, we know that this life isn’t always going to be easy; no one is expecting it to be. However, when something like this happens, the added stress is a little too much, and all we really want is someone with the power to listen and fix this.

What a Government Shutdown Means to a Military Family

Stop using the military as a bargaining chip.

Make sure military pay is ALWAYS a done deal, no matter what. Understand that messing with military pay and benefits adds an extra hardship to our military families that we do not need to deal with. Whatever the debate is about, whatever is holding up the budget, take military pay and benefits out of it.

Although so few Americans are actually serving in the military, our country depends on the service of those who have decided to do so. We can’t treat them this way, we can’t let them down this way, we are better than that.

It doesn’t matter what side of the aisle you are on. It doesn’t matter who you voted for or who you support.

We all need to be on the side of making sure the military has what they need and has what they signed up for.

We need to make sure we don’t think of what is going on as normal or just the way things are. It is not okay and it should never be okay.

Resources for the 2025 government shutdown:

What Happens if There’s a Government Shutdown?

Military Families Face Pay and Benefit Uncertainty Amid Shutdown

A Military Spouse Guide to a Government Shutdown by amilitarywifeslife

Government Shutdown Assistance by Military Savings (Military Bridge)

USAA

NavyFed

Military Life Doesn’t Always Look the Same

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Military Life Doesn’t Always Look the Same

Before my husband joined the military, I was a SAHM and he worked 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

He joined the Army and by the time we hit the first-year mark, we were in the middle of a 15-month deployment, on a post in Germany.

My life changed in so many different ways. Military life was so completely different than what I was used to, in so many different ways.

Over the years, life has gone on, we went through many deployments and a couple of moves. Now as a National Guard family things are different than they were as an active duty one, but not quite the same as when we were civilians.

Some weeks are more military than others. Some years are more military than others. It all just depends on what is going on and what is happening with my spouse’s career.

Once you get to know the military community you start to notice that not everyone’s military journey looks the same. Some include more separations than others. Some include more moves than others.

Some military spouses have moved every few years, packing up and diving into a new home every three years. Others have only moved once or twice as a military family, with plans to stay put at their current duty station for quite a bit longer.

Some spouses have been through many deployments, in a short amount of time. Others have been able to have years in between.

Some military spouses are raising children and others are not. Some spouses will be able to be stationed overseas, and others will never have that opportunity.

Because our military experiences can be so different, it’s important to listen when other military spouses tell you they are having a more difficult time or just can’t seem to figure out the best way to get through the next few months.

It’s important to remember that what worked for you might not work for someone else. That we all have things that frustrate or bother us. And that we might not know what another military spouse is going through.

That being said, even if we haven’t walked the exact same path, there is beauty in coming together and talking about our experience. There is value in sharing what we have experienced and how we have made it through.

Whether you are a brand new military spouse or heading into your third decade.

Whether you have been through 10 deployments or waiting on your first one.

Whether you feel strong at the moment or are struggling with your current situation.

Military life doesn’t always look the same, but we can still learn from one another. The military community is strong, and we can help each other through with encouragement and patience. With listening ears and a desire to help one another out.

How long have you been a military spouse?

How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

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How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

Raising a child on the autism spectrum has taught me a lot over the years. There are so many lessons to be learned when your child needs a little extra help and a little extra patience. Some of these lessons have helped me as a military wife and through the years of everything that comes with being a military family.

How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

Life doesn’t always look the way you think it should

One of the biggest lessons I have learned by having a child on the autism spectrum is that life doesn’t always look the way you think it will. Your children will surprise you. You will do things differently than you thought you would.

Military life is the same. You can’t really plan what your military journey will be like. You won’t be able to tell when your spouse joins the military how many times they will deploy or how many times you will have to PCS. You will need to adjust your mindset so that you are not frustrated by every little thing that military life brings.

Not everything is going to be “Pinterest” perfect, and that’s okay

There is a certain type of pressure in this social media world to make everything “Pinterest” perfect from our kid’s birthday parties or snacks for their class. With a special needs child, a lot of what you do is simply making it through the day making sure they have what they need.

The same is true with military life. Somedays you have to just make it to the finish line. Others, you might have a little more time, but please remind yourself, not everything has to look like it does on Pinterest.

How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

Don’t sweat the small stuff

As a mom of an autistic kid, I have had to let a lot of things go every day. I have to pick my battles. Not everything is worth a fight. I simply do not have the energy or even the desire for it.

As a military spouse, I also am not going to worry about every little thing. I am going to do my best, make the right choices, and go from there. Trying to worry about everything is going to burn you out.

You need to ask for help

This has been the hardest thing for me to do. Asking for help. I want to do everything by myself. But there have been plenty of people who have helped my son along the way. Without them, I am not sure where we would be.

Being a military spouse, there are of course times when my husband is not home. For the most part, I can handle what comes my way by myself. But sometimes, I do need that extra help. And I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it.

How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

Good friends are a must

Over the years I have made some pretty amazing friends that have been a good support system for me and my kids. They are understanding of my son’s autism and have helped me through the journey. I am not sure what I would have done without them.

In the same way, finding good friends has helped me as a military wife. From being other people who get what we go through to being a listening ear. Good friends are a must for so many reasons.

Whether you have special needs kids or not, they are always going to teach you something. You will learn through parenting them, and that will be a good thing. Even if it feels like you are not doing everything right, you can still grow from the process.

Do you have kids on the autism spectrum too? What have they taught you?

The Many Blessings of a Military Marriage

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The Many Blessings of a Military Marriage

I do a lot of reflecting sometimes. I have always kept a journal and I like to think about where we have been as a couple and a family and where we are going.

We have had to make a lot of choices over the years. When to have kids. To move across the country. To join the Military. To buy a house. To stay in Tennessee. To join the National Guard.

Sometimes it is way too easy to look back and think we shouldn’t have made certain choices.  I don’t like to look at my life like that. Is it possible we made bad choices in the past? Yes. Does that mean the rest of our lives are messed up? No.

One of the biggest life-changing choices we made was for my husband to re-enlist in the Military at age 30. This was something that we talked about for months beforehand. We had no idea what his time in the military would be like once we made that decision.

We were diving into the unknown. While my husband had been in the Army before, that was when he was a lot younger, and way before I came into the picture. Being a soldier with a wife and child was going to be completely different for him, and becoming an Army wife was going to be totally different than anything I was used to.

As I think back over the last 15 years as a Military spouse, there have been many blessings in our marriage because of our time as a military couple.

Don’t get me wrong. Would I have preferred to have a husband who never had to go away? Perhaps, but that wasn’t how life has been for us. 

As I look back over those 15 years, I can see that there are blessings in a Military marriage.

Homecomings can be the highlight of our Military experience. The feeling you get when you see your spouse again is hard to explain unless you have been through a homecoming. Knowing that the months of waiting and worrying has come to a close and knowing you will finally be back in each other’s arms can be the spark that your marriage needs.

Watching your spouse in their uniform can be inspiring. You know they are doing something good in the world and you are there to support them through it. You and your spouse are a part of history, working to make the world a better place. There is just something about feeling that way that can help your marriage thrive.

Deployments can help your relationship to grow even stronger. You start to appreciate one another in ways you never would have if they never had to go away. You constantly remember why you fell in love in the first place. You learn to trust one another across the miles.

But also, never be afraid to reach out for extra help if you don’t feel that way. Different couples handle distance in different ways. There are many resources out there to help too.

PCSing every few years can also be a challenge, especially if you have to PCS to a place you don’t want to go. But there is also something about moving together, having to work through those struggles together, having to be the “new person” together, that can bond you together in many different ways.

While the day to day of military life can feel so heavy sometimes, there are blessings of a military marriage. From growing stronger through the distance to being able to discover more about yourself which can lead to becoming a better partner.

If you are new to the military life and are worried a bit about your marriage, keep in mind that there are blessings of a Military marriage. As hard as the military lifestyle might be, they are there if you look for them.

How do you feel that the Military has blessed your marriage?

24 Years Since Everything Changed

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24 years have passed since the day the towers fell.

When people came together, and we stood together as a country. When we realized that loving our neighbor was more important than any debates we may have had in the past. When we couldn’t figure out why people hated the US so much that they would take so many lives on that one fall day.

On September 11th, the military changed…

There is a pre-9/11 military experience and a post 9/11 one. So many have joined the military because of what happened that day. Going to war changed because of that day.

The US went to war less than 18 months after the attack. A war my husband and a lot of your spouses have also fought in. A war that some think should never have happened. A war that might have been the best way to handle a situation we have never had to handle as a country before.

We can’t forget that we are still going to war and service members are still deploying.

We are still fighting the war on terrorism, no matter who says that it is over on the nightly news. Spouses are still saying goodbye to their loved ones, heading anywhere they are told to go. And we, as American citizens, need to remember that.

On September 11th, traveling changed…

Going to the airport is a different experience in our post 9/11 world. Before 9/11, you could go through security to say goodbye to your family members, regardless of if you had a ticket or not. You could greet your loved ones right when they got off the plane. I have so many memories of doing this with my own grandparents.

We have to take our shoes off and we have to be careful about what liquids we bring. People pack differently because of that day. Every time I get on an airplane, I am reminded about what happened.

I think about American Airlines Flight 11, United Airlines Flight 175, American Airlines Flight 77, and United Airlines Flight 93. About how those people got on their flights, without knowing what could happen. Now we know that what happened is a possibility.

As a military spouse, I know what military families have had to give up in the war against terrorism.

We understand how serious terrorism can be and why our spouses have to serve in certain parts of the world. However, emotionally saying goodbye to them can be so difficult, especially since our country has been at war for so long.

24 Years…

I still remember 9/11 like it wasn’t that long ago. I had just started my last semester of college. Being on the West Coast, I woke up to the news. I got ready for classes and drove the 20 minutes to my school.

Back in 2001, the internet was something you used on your computer. We did not get the news as quickly as we do today. Because of that, not everyone in my first class had heard the news. Those who had, told them.

We talked about what happened. We talked about a possible war and what that would mean. All of it seemed so surreal. It still seems surreal.

Time has moved on…

I got married and had three children. They were born after this tragedy. Anyone under the age of 24 was not born yet, some young adults were too young even to remember. Our country has moved on in some ways, and in other ways, we have not.

The threats are still real. The military is still fighting, and we can’t ever forget those who died on that day. Their stories, their families, and the strength that each one of them showed.

You might be too young to remember, maybe you were just a child and all you know about that day was that your parents watched the news instead of letting you watch cartoons.

Maybe you were like me, in college, getting ready to start your adult life, going out into the world so different than the one you started your college years in.

Maybe you were a young military bride, whose husband just joined the Army, assuming a peacetime enlistment.

Maybe you were pregnant with your first child when your husband who had been debating enlisting decided that now was the time.

I pray that as time moves on, the world becomes a safer place. That the evil that comes from these types of attacks can be stopped. That we will never forget that tragic day in September…one that changed us forever.

Do you remember 9/11? What were you doing the morning of 9/11?

When The Towers Fell

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When The Towers Fell

We didn’t know what that day would bring. Tuesday, September 11th, 2001, started out with clear skies and so much promise.

Kids off to school.

Mom and dad off to work.

People getting to their jobs, some running late, some arriving early.

As the morning began, we had no idea what was planned. We had no idea others wanted to hurt us. We had no idea the world was about to change.

At 8:30 that morning, some wondered what they would have for lunch that day, or maybe if they would be late picking up the kids from school. Some may have thought about their birthday party the weekend before, or what movie they would go to see the next. A new military wife was just getting used to the new PX, and how the Commissary worked, she wasn’t thinking too much of her husband going to war.

Then at 8:45 am…that all changed as the first plane flew into the World Trade Center.

And a little after 9:00 am, we knew, this wasn’t some random accident when the second plane hit. Someone was doing this. Someone was attacking us and life would be forever changed.

At 9:45 am, a plane flew into the Pentagon. For so many of us, this was surreal. Something we had only seen in disaster movies. Something that didn’t really happen in real life.

And then the towers fell, first the south tower, then the north tower, we could not believe this was happening. We could not believe what we were watching.

As the moments went by, we were glued to our television sets. A college student, wondering what this meant for the US, for the World. A young mom, rocking her baby girl, wondering what this meant for her future. A military wife, knowing in her heart that this was the start of something that would change the military forever.

And as we waited and wondered and prayed…

As we hoped and cried and reached out...

As we listened to our leaders try to explain what was going on…

We tried to make sense of all of this. We tried to make sense of what we were watching. We tried to understand what going on but all we saw was a tragedy. One we never would have expected.

Almost 3,000 people lost their lives that day, right here in America. The unthinkable was a reality. A new threat that we still have today. Terrorism wasn’t so front and center as it is now.

Before 9/11, we knew terrorism existed. We knew what terrorism was, but not on this level. Not right here in front of us.

In the days and weeks after 9/11, America came together in a way I had never seen before and haven’t seen since. I remember gathering at a local church, packed with people, to pay our respects, to mourn together, to not go through this alone.

We all felt like family. We were all in this together. We had to be, that was the only way we could get through it.

And now, all these years later, we still think of those who lost their lives on that day, and the days after. From the first responders to those who serve in the military.

We think of their loved ones, those who mourn on a personal level. Those who never thought that saying goodbye that morning would be the last time. And for those who never 100% knew what happened to their family members.

We think of the gold star spouses, and family members, fighting the war on terror. We think of those who are still getting deployed, and who are still fighting for our freedom, against those who want to hurt us.

We can’t forget those who went into the rubble, to help find survivors. Those that were a caring heart in a sea of craziness. Those who worked tirelessly to help those in need.

“What separates us from the animals, what separates us from the chaos, is our ability to mourn people we’ve never met.” – Author David Levithan

As we head into the 22nd anniversary of this tragedy, I will say a prayer for those who are still missing their loved ones. For those who were shaken by what happened in a very personal way. For those who were too young to remember, but still, feel the effects.

I will say a prayer for our military, those who have deployed, and those who will. For their families, and those that love them. For the future and the hope that this enemy can be defeated someday.

And while the years will pass, and time will go on, I hope we never forget the spirit and the love that was shown in our time of tragedy, as our country came together, and as we tried to make sense of everything that happened on that September day. I know I never will.