Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

The Truth About Valentine’s Day When You Are a Military Spouse

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The Truth About Valentine's Day When You Are a Military Spouse

Flowers, chocolate, candy hearts, and expectations. It sounds like another Valentine’s Day is around the corner, but when you are a military spouse, this holiday probably isn’t going to be as exciting as it could be…


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For one thing, your spouse might be gone. They might be deployed, across the ocean. So you are not even going to see your spouse on the 14th. And that being the case, ignoring the whole thing is pretty easy to do. You tell yourself it is just a made-up holiday anyway, who cares.


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But then, you are walking through Target and you see the chocolate, and you think, wouldn’t it be nice to get some chocolate this year? If nothing else, just some chocolate? Because if you are going to be alone for Valentine’s Day, you might as well have chocolate, right?


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So you buy yourself a box and decide that no matter what, you are going to have a good February 14th, you are going to have a good Valentine’s Day. Once you get home you remember you were going to send a Valentine’s Day care package to your husband, only it is already February 10th so it is going to be a little late. And you wonder if he will even care really. Sure, he loves to get a package from you but does it need to be a Valentine’s Day care package?


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Ya, you think, maybe I will just wait until after Valentine’s Day, buy him some 50% off chocolate and send that instead. But then, I have my kids to think about. And the fact that they need Valentines for their classes, guess you are going back to Target to pick some out. In a perfect world, you would get on Pinterest, pick out a cute idea and get to work but Marvel, Barbie, and those addictive candy hearts are going to have to sponsor Valentine’s Day this year.


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And then it is Valentine’s Day, and since your spouse is off making our nation a better place, you have to decide how you are going to spend the day. The kids are armed with Valentines for their classmates, you also got them a couple of things because in the end, Valentine’s Day is about love and you do love your children. You decide to get one of those heart pizzas for dinner because your kids will get a kick out of it and hey, it’s pizza.


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So you finish dinner, the kids loved the heart-shaped pizza and hey, you didn’t have to cook so that was a win. After the kids go to bed you dig into your chocolate hoping that your husband will get online and at least wish you a happy Valentine’s Day. So you put on a cheezy romance of some kind and wait with your chocolate, you know the chocolate you bought to have on this day.


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And as you wait you just tell yourself that next year he will be home and you will go big. You will get a babysitter and hit the town. It’s just this year that kinda sucks. But then you remember last year when he was home, and you pretty much did the same thing as you are doing this year because you have kids and you are on a budget and really, Valentine’s Day isn’t such a big deal anyway.


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And right before you go to bed, he gets online and you say your “Happy Valentine’s Day” to each other. You smile because you are happy to be married to this guy and no that no matter how many Valentine’s Days he has to miss, you will always love him. And you know that there will always be plenty of chocolate to get through anything you two have to endure during his military career.


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Deployments Never Truly Go Away

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A Military spouse is never going to forget how hard it was to let their spouse go, how lonely the nights were, or, how happy they were when they finally came home.

Deployments Never Truly Go Away

It’s been years since the first time my husband deployed, over a decade ago. But that deployment changed my life forever, as it changed the lives of so many of my military spouse friends.

That deployment changed my husband and all of the men he served with. That deployment still comes up in my mind, and I always think about those who lost so much during those 15 months.

Recently I saw this article going around Facebook again, as it often does every once in a while, Europe’s deadliest deployment. I always re-read the article when I see it, and reading those words brings me right back to that deployment. That place. And those feelings.

Our men were gone for so long, many didn’t see their spouse for over a year, and my husband and I went 11 months between R&R and homecoming.

So many men were lost, so many didn’t come home, and not everyone who made it home was the same.

Us military spouses, being in a very small military community, had to cling to one another. I have never experienced anything quite like that since and I am thankful I had that type of experience during that 15-month deployment.

We somehow made it through that deployment, all 15 months of it, but that deployment changed us forever. That deployment shaped me into who I am today, more than any other deployment.

That deployment shaped me into who I became as a parent, realizing what was important and what I needed to let go. That deployment shaped me as a wife and gave me the strength to get through whatever came our way in the future.

Sometimes I wonder how I went so long without seeing my husband. In the deployments since we have never had to be apart for that long. And these days, even a few weeks seems so challenging.

When you are apart like that, you are living different lives. You have to. I had to be there for my boys, making parenting decisions, and doing what was right for our home. He had to be aware of what his mission was, and focus on what he had to do for his job, and how to stay safe.

We both dealt with loss.

Me, for friends who lost their husbands, and for the grief our community endured when we heard news of another death. You could see it on everyone’s faces as you walked around the Army post. We were all feeling the weight of the deployment, in so many different ways.

For my husband, who lost friends, ones who had just as much desire to return home to their spouses and children as he did. There is still so much pain there. A pain I will truly never understand.

And now, all these years later we will hear of someone else who has lost their life to suicide, and we grieve again, for the ripples of that deployment or deployments after that are still affecting people to this day.

Deployments are a bit different now. Deployments are shorter, and for that I am thankful. Communication is much easier, and that helps. However, deployments are still not easy and the military and military spouses need as much support as they can get.

Support not only during deployments, although that is important, but support after because that is an emotional ride for everyone.

When I think back to those 15 months, I realize that we just had to keep going, day by day. We couldn’t give up, even if we thought we wouldn’t make it through. And there were plenty of times we felt that way.

We had no choice but to get through the days apart and pray that our soldiers would come back to us.

You never forget your deployments. They stay with you forever. The smallest of things can remind you of what you went through. The smallest of things can take you right back.

Our military will probably always go to war in some form. And there will always be military families, spouses, and children who are going through the deployment back at home. And those of us that go through them will always remember these deployments and how we changed because of them.

We can learn more about ourselves from the time apart, and work to make life a little easier the next time our spouse has to go. We can support others going through a deployment, and let them know that they can get through them too.

This post does contain affiliate links!

Here are a few military spouse resources that can help you through deployments, post-deployment, or military life in general:

Military One Source

Operation We Are Here

Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage by Corie Weathers

15 Years of War: How the Longest War in U.S. History Affected a Military Family in Love, Loss, and the Cost Of Service by Kristine Schellhaas

Right Side Up: Find Your Way When Military Life Turns You Upside Down by Judy Davis

Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Deployment Posts

Is there one deployment that sticks with you above any others? How do you work through everything?

27 Military Spouse Memes for a Difficult Deployment Day

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27 Military Spouse Memes for a Difficult Deployment Day

If you have gone through a deployment or even a shorter separation you know you will have good deployment days and bad ones. Some mornings you will wake up ready to take on the world and others you will wonder how you will make it until lunchtime.

Deployments are like this. It’s their nature.

They are stressful and can be difficult to figure out how to get through them.

Since we all have bad deployment days, what can we do?

Here are some military spouse memes that can help you during a difficult deployment day:

military spouse memes

It can be way too easy to feel like your life is horrible or that it will always be that way during a bad deployment day. Remember, deployments don’t last forever and you will not always have to be missing your spouse.

military spouse memes

Sometimes you will have to just take the deployment an hour at a time. Other times you will be rocking things and the weeks will fly by.

military spouse memes

Deployments are the hard part but you go through them because they are a part of being married to your spouse.

Military Spouse Memes

Find friends and your favorite drink. Tomorrow is another day! And you can do all of this virtually if you need to. Technology has come a long way!

military spouse memes

Deployments can be a great time to reflect on the years you have been together.

military spouse memes

During bad deployment days, remind yourself why your spouse signed up for the military and what they are fighting for.

military spouse memes

The end is the hardest but you are strong and you can get through it all!

military spouse memes

Kick that deployment’s butt! You are strong! Remember that!

military spouse memes

Know that it is okay to say deployments suck. That just means you love and miss your spouse.

military spouse memes

Military life will make you stronger. If you don’t feel you are strong, you will get there.

military spouse memes

Remember your love. It can take you far. Especially on those difficult deployment days.

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Having a bad deployment day doesn’t mean you don’t support your spouse. They happen.

military spouse memes

You will never forget these things. Those feelings might fade after time but you will always remember the day they came home and wonderful that feeling was.

military spouse memes

There are different ways to handle deployment. Never judge another spouse because she is handling things a little differently. That just makes things harder for the spouse that is already feeling less-than.

military spouse memes

So very true Charles Dickens, so very true.

military spouse memes

We are military spouses and deployments are what we do. Thank goodness for all the support!

military spouse memes

The deployment ache is the worst! If you are feeling that ache, know that you are not alone.

military spouse memes

Yes, family time is important and most people know that. However, you really understand how important that time is when you have to go months or even years without it.

military spouse memes

What’s in your military spouse toolkit?

military spouse memes

Margaritas are a great choice!

military spouse memes

What we have to be made of 🙂

military spouse memes

Remembering this helps. All couples have difficult times. Deployments could be yours.

military spouse memes

Know that your spouse loves you, even from across the ocean…

military spouse memes

You will have good deployment days and bad ones. When you are having a good one, make the best of the day. When you are having a bad one, know that tomorrow will be a better day…

military spouse memes

Military life can be hard because being a spouse means the military has to sometimes come first. Know that you are first in their heart.

military spouse memes

Finding peace can be a great goal. You might not get there every day but find things that make you happy and that will help.

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Remember, at the end of all this, when the deployment is over, you will be waiting for them to return and know that you made it through a deployment and anything that comes your way.

Are you going through a deployment right now? Need a little bit of extra support? Join me in my Facebook group 🙂

To My Military Spouse Friends, You Are The Best

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As a new Army wife, I didn’t know a whole lot about the military lifestyle. Sure, I knew the basics, but standing at our first duty station in Schweinfurt, Germany, I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. I can remember standing there, watching a group of soldiers going by, and knowing everything had changed for us.

I was lucky though. Within those first months of being an Army wife in Germany, I found friends. I found other spouses who not only knew what military life was like but going through the same thing I was. We were all getting ready for a deployment, a first deployment for many of us and we knew we could do it together.

I honestly am not sure what I would have done or how I could have gotten through that deployment without my military spouse friends.

Although things were not always perfect, and there was drama, of course, there was drama, having people to go through a deployment with helped us all make it through what would turn out to be one of the longest and hardest deployments.

Over the years, I have made friends at every step of the way. From my best friend in Germany to my current circle here at Fort Campbell. From military spouse bloggers to some of the amazing people I have met through my blogging in all parts of the world.

In MOPS this last year I was able to speak about 3 am friends. You know the ones. The people you could call at 3 am when life was falling apart. The people you could depend on during your most difficult times. The people who made this lifestyle so much better.

I am so thankful for the 3 am friends I have made over the years. Knowing you have someone to call when you might need something, knowing you have that person, it’s an amazing feeling and helps so much living this military lifestyle. From a friend who watched my two-year-old while I was in the hospital with my 2-month-old, to my friend that always let me vent about how frustrated I was that my husband kept getting deployed.

So to my military spouse friends, you are the best.

You are the ones who have made deployments go by that much faster. From making plans together to being able to vent about not being able to talk to our husbands. From having our kids play together to helping each other out with childcare.

You are the ones who let me know that I can, in fact, get through what I need to get through. Your strength inspires me. When I feel weak, you can make me feel strong again and that I can handle whatever this life throws my way.

You have made me laugh when things were crazy, and let me cry when life got too hard. And I hope in return I have done the same when you needed that pick me up. We, military spouses, can help one another out, even in the darkest of times.

To My Military Spouse Friends, You Are The Best

So, to my military spouse friends, thank you.

Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for your friendship and your love. Thank you for caring, and thank you for always being there.

Many years from now, when military life is over, I will look back and think of all of you. Of all the fun memories we made, of all the struggles we got through together, of the different dreams and talks and experiences we had.

How have you made friends along your military spouse journey? 

6 Tips for Solo Parenting With Anxiety

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I hate solo parenting. I hate being the only parent in the house. I love having my husband there. Yes, I love having someone else that can help with the kids, but I also like having that other person to bounce ideas off of or to work through problems with. When he is gone, solo parenting gets to me. My anxiety goes up, and that makes solo parenting even harder than it could be.

Over the years, I have found ways to make this part of military life easier for myself. I have figured out ways to cope, to make myself get through whatever issue I am having, and to help remind myself that I can do this, even if my other half is on the opposite side of the world.

Over the years I have learned that I am not the only military spouse that deals with anxiety. That I am not the only one that struggles with this. That, through conversations with military spouses over the years and my own experiences, I have learned how to handle solo parenting and how to get through a deployment when my anxiety wants to take over.

Although solo parenting with anxiety makes thing even more difficult, there are ways to get through. This is what has worked for me:

Lots of lists

I try to make lists of everything I have to do. For work. For the home. For my kids. I have a planner I check all the time. If it isn’t written down, I might forget so I make sure to do that as soon as I can.

Writing everything down is a visual way for me to stay organized and manage everything I have to do. Sometimes things can get quite crazy around here, and I need those lists to stay grounded. And that helps with my anxiety levels.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Make a plan for getting out of the house

When I first had my 2nd son, I was overwhelmed with the thought of us all leaving the house. I had a two-year-old, a newborn and a deployed husband. So I broke everything down.

The first step, gathering everything I needed to bring with me. The second step, make sure baby was ready. Third, make sure I was ready. Fourth, make sure 2-year-old was ready. Fifth, recheck baby because you know there could always be a dirty diaper to change right before you need to leave. When I broke things down like that, it made leaving the house a lot easier.

These days, my boys are older and can do most of getting ready to leave the house themselves. But in my head, I still kinda go through a checklist before we go anywhere. Doing this is good for my anxiety levels and ensures that I rarely forget things, although that can still happen every once in a while.

Google it

When my husband is gone, I don’t have him to bring up the little things with. So Google steps in. If I am worried about something that might not be that big of a deal, I Google it. I see if anyone else has had that worry. I check to see if it could be something else.

Now, you can’t trust everything you read on the internet; I know this well. However, it can be a starting point for figuring out what is going on. I know I can also send an email or call my children’s doctor for more serious health-related questions.

Ask a friend

Sometimes asking a good friend about your worries is a good idea too. You never know if they might be struggling with what you are struggling with too. Acting like we have it all together is way too easy to do, I am guilty of that. I know when I am more open with good friends about struggles, we can talk them out and help one another.

I might be struggling with a child at school, a friend might be struggling with potty training, but we can offer our advice and help one another out. While when my husband is home, this is easier to do with him, I know I can depend on good friends to work through these problems too. If we have that type of relationship when he is gone, it can carry over even after my husband comes back. That can make for stronger more longtime friendships.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Respite and breaks

When my boys were young, in the midsts of deployments, having respite and breaks was a lifesaver. Maybe that was dropping them off at hourly for a couple of hours a few times a week, maybe it was going to MOPS on a regular basis, or maybe it was simply trading babysitting with a friend, so I could get my grocery shopping done.

There are quite a few ways to find childcare in the military community. They might not all work for you or your situation, but they are worth checking out. Having a small break can energize you and allow you to work on your parenting goals even if your spouse is far away.

Involving my husband

Just because your spouse is deployed, it doesn’t mean they can’t have any say in what is going on at home. You know your spouse and what they can handle. See if you can talk with them about what is going on at home.

The trouble sometimes is that since your spouse is not currently living in your home, they can’t see the whole picture. This means that the advice they give might not work for you. That’s okay, but talking about your struggle with them can help them feel connected back home and offer you something to think about.

I never look forward to solo parenting. I know that my anxiety levels will be higher than when he is home. However, I want to do what I can to make the best of solo parenting with anxiety, to find solutions to the little issues I am dealing with, and to have a better experience than I have had in the past.

What are your best tips for solo parenting when your spouse is away? What works for you and your family?

 My Friends and I For Military Children

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 My Friends and I For Military Children
I receive a free copy of this book for review!
This post contains affiliate links!

A Book for Military Children

Last year, friend of the military Birgit Sund published her book, “My Friends and I” and I think it is perfect for military children. The book is considered a “friendship book” and is modeled after the popular German book, “Freundebuch.”

 My Friends and I For Military Children

Within the book, your child will find a bunch of pages that they can have their friends fill out. Each page has questions such as where they live, what pets they have, and what their favorites are. There is also a place for a photo. This book would make the perfect memory book for your child as you or their friends move around during military life.

From Amazon,

“My Friends and I is a one-of-a-kind, fun, interactive, timeless memory book for children ages 5-12, that travels from friend to friend, who will answer questions like: What is your favorite food? What do you like to do in your free time? What songs do you like to listen to? What books do you like to read? What do you want to be when you grow up? A picture box allows them to insert a photograph of themselves or to draw a picture of their own. The book has room for 40 family members, friends, classmates, teachers, coaches, or any other person in the little book owner’s life.”

 My Friends and I For Military Children

And the illustrations are so cute too!

Where can you buy My Friends and I?

Visit the website, use the code: JULIE, and receive 20% off or you can purchase from Amazon!

When They Are Gone For Thanksgiving

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When They Are Gone For Thanksgiving

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, the holiday changes. What you did before, you might not be able to do this year. Some traditions will have to be postponed.

You make plans with a few other spouses from your FRG. One has volunteered to make the turkey, the other stuffing and dessert. You will bring mashed potatoes and rolls. A few other friends will bring the rest.

You already know the kids will want to play together and are thankful for a big playroom. Kids will have fun and you will too. Having fun together with friends is the best thing to do when your spouse is deployed, especially during the holidays.

You thought about going home for Thanksgiving but the idea of flying across the country, with three young kids, over Thanksgiving weekend was a little too much. You will miss your family but know what is best for you and your kids. Maybe next year will be different.

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, part of you wants to skip the whole thing.

You think about not even bothering, what’s the point? But then you remember that skipping holidays isn’t something your spouse would want. That they would want you to have a good day, even if they were not there to celebrate with you.

And now that your plans are set for a Friendsgiving, you are feeling pretty good about the day. You made plans and should enjoy your friends, their kids, and all the yummy food.

You are thankful you don’t have to go through all of this alone. You have your military community to get through you. Other spouses understand what a deployment is like, and how to make it through.

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, you think about how they will spend their day overseas.

You hope they get a good meal. You hope they feel loved. You hope the turkey isn’t dry and the pumpkin pie is as good as the one you usually make each year.

They got your Thanksgiving care package the week before. Some of their favorite candies, a cake in a jar, and a few turkey crafts your kids made for them. You know getting that box made him smile.

You hope for a phone call on turkey day, but know that might not happen. Sometimes communication isn’t the best but you have learned to accept that. However, hearing their voice on a holiday would be a nice treat.

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, you have to decide what traditions you will still do and which ones you will skip.

You want to put the Christmas tree up but that is hard to think about since they usually help you with decorating. You know your kids will want to decorate and that will motivate you to make it happen.

The lights on the tree will be healing and the stockings on the fireplace will make you smile. The joy of the season will help on the more difficult deployment days. You hope the magic of the holidays will flow and help all of you during this time of year.

You plan to video everything. You will take more photos than you normally do. You don’t want them to miss anything.

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, you can start to get a bit jealous of those who have their spouse by their side.

While this can be normal, remember that next year that could be you. With this military life, some years they will be missing holidays and some years they will be home with us. Remembering that can be helpful if you are struggling during this time of year.

And most likely, next Thanksgiving won’t be the next holiday they will be home for. Look ahead and think about the new year and everything it will bring. You could be missing them now, but time will go on and soon it will be time for homecoming and your time apart will come to an end.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Deployments are rough, and your emotions can be all over the place. Figure out what works for you and your family and make the best of your time apart.

When they are gone for Thanksgiving, you can still enjoy the holiday.

There is so much to be thankful for, and so many blessings. Try to remember what you have, and try to give back when you can. There are so many ways to give.

This Thanksgiving you can volunteer in your local community. You can plan to take part in Giving Tuesday which is coming up the first week of December. You can spend time with your community, making memories and getting through the hard stuff together.

Thanksgiving is the beginning of the holiday season. Going through this with a deployed husband or deployed wife isn’t going to be easy. But, you can still enjoy the holidays, find ways to make memories, and come out stronger on the other side.

How will you be spending Thanksgiving this year?

When You Are Stationed Overseas for the Holidays

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I love her books but haven’t read this one yet.

Christmas 2008, my friend and I took our kids out to the local Christmas Market. We lived in a small village and even they had a small Christmas market. I love Germany during the Christmas season. They go big. Every town square is decorated. Most towns and villages have their own Christmas markets and you can tell the whole country is ready to celebrate.

We spent 4 holiday seasons in Germany and each one was so magical. If you are lucky enough to be overseas for the holidays, take advantage of what is going on around you. Once you move back to the states you will no longer be surrounded by the culture. You want to take advantage of that experience.

What You Need to Do When You Are Overseas for the Holidays

So what should you do when you are overseas for the holidays? Here are some ideas!

Visit Local Events

Whether you visit the Christmas markets in Germany or the light displays in South Korea, be a part of the culture and embrace what the country does to celebrate. You will make fun memories and have a lot of good stories to tell people back home about your holiday experiences in another country. Sometimes your military installation will also have events based on where you live. See what is going on and what you can be a part of. Remember, people in the US pay a lot of money to visit these same places during this time of year. You are already there, embrace what your host country has to offer.

Adopt a New Tradition

Learn a new tradition that will work for your family that you can take back home with you. For example, St. Nicholas Day. This is celebrated on December 6 in Germany. Children leave out their shoes and St. Nicholas will come by during the night and fill them with goodies. You also will get a chance to meet St. Nicholas around German towns and villages. If you happen to be able to be stationed in more than one overseas location, you can turn your own family’s holiday season into a mix of traditions you have picked up from all the places you have lived.

Think Outside the Box

Sometimes you are going to have to think outside the box when you are overseas for the holidays. If your Christmas day has always included making a big turkey but your overseas apartment doesn’t have a big enough oven to cook one, think about what else you can do. Why not make a traditional holiday meal based on what the locals eat? Or, invite your neighbors over for a potluck asking them to bring their favorite dishes. If it seems weird to do the holidays differently, just think of the changes as a new experience and one you won’t be able to have later on down the road when you are back in the states.

Take Photos and Share

Take a lot of pictures of your holiday and what you did to celebrate while you are overseas. Family and friends back home would love to see what you did that was different from what they do back home. You could also make a special scrapbook about your holidays overseas. One that you can look back at years in the future or share with your children who might not have remembered those years.

Even if you do go home for Christmas, see what holidays traditions you can take part of before you leave. Embrace your tempory country and learn from the people who call the country home. Enjoy the holiday season and make new memories with your family and new friends.

What holiday traditions do you plan to adopt from the country you are currently living in?