Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

The Rocky Road Ahead For a Military Spouse

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The Rocky Road Ahead

She is standing there, looking at the rocky road ahead, unsure what is next and what the future will look like. Such is the life of a military spouse.

He got his orders and is packing his bags, how are we doing this again? How is it time?

She promises she will be strong, she has done this before, she can do it again. She will conquer this rocky road ahead.

He has heard the rumors, but now he knows they are true.

She will be leaving soon, a few months earlier than they thought. How will he make it through this deployment? The one he thought he would be prepared for, but now feels like it never will be. That rocky road ahead.

As military spouses around the world know, there is good and there is bad when it comes to military life. There are the highs and there are the lows. There are easier times and times when it feels like the road is a little too rocky. When it feels like it is a little too much to endure.

We do what we can when we are faced with this rocky road. We depend on our friends and hope and pray they will understand all the emotions we might have in the next few months.

We work to stay busy but sometimes even that isn’t enough. And sometimes the busy is what causes the stress, and we have to pull back. We have to work to find that balance that seems almost impossible to find.

We pull the tools we have used in the past out of our deployment tool kit and pray they will work again. And sometimes they do. And sometimes they don’t.

We want to believe we can get through anything, truly anything that rocky road brings, but somedays we are unsure we can.

We take the good and the bad and hope that overall we can smile more than shed tears. We hope that we can laugh more than feel defeated. We hope that we can depend on one another when times get a little too hard.

Whether you are a brand new military spouse or a more seasoned one, we all feel that pit in our stomachs, when the orders come, when the date fall, when the buses leave.

We miss them when they are gone, but also understand why they had to go. We make plans to enjoy the time apart but hope that time goes by quickly and doesn’t drag on too much.

As military spouses, we are presented with that rocky road ahead so many times. It might be looking an overseas PCS in the face, or it might be a deployment that came out of nowhere. It might be struggling with a loss in the family, or trying to find your way back after a difficult season.

As military spouses, we also know that we can find the strength to get to the other side. We know that we have done it before, as so many others have done too. We know that we might need to take it one day at a time, but that soon enough we will be at the end, ready for the next season of our lives.

What is your biggest military spouse struggle? What do you do when you are faced with it?

40 Quick Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

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I can’t believe I have been a military spouse for almost 17 years now. I remember being so overwhelmed by everything at first. I had so many questions and didn’t know what we were getting into. Over the years I have learned so much, from the best way to make friends to how to get through those long deployment days.

Are you new to military life? Maybe you just want to get some advice to get you through a difficult time. Here are 40 quick tips for a better military spouse life.

40 Quick Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life
  1. Timelines will always change. Whether it is how long it will take to join your spouse in an OCONUS PCS to when they will get home from a deployment.
  2. Make friends. You will need them, you will. They will make military life a lot easier.
  3. Say yes to overseas, even if you are afraid to do so. The experience will be worth it.
  4. Try living on post or base at least once. Doing so is an experience.
  5. Don’t forget OPSEC. Don’t overshare on social media. Be smart about what you are putting out there.
  6. PCS your way. Do you need a fancy PCS binder? Maybe. Are you okay if you don’t have one? Maybe. Find what works for you.
  7. Don’t be turned off by “bad” duty stations. Sometimes that is where you will have the best experiences. You never know.
  8. Join the groups. Find a book club. Try MOPS. You never know when you might find your new best friend.
  9. Write love letters. They might be old-fashioned but they can be a greay way to communicate during a deployment.
  10. Journal. Get your words out. Tell your journal how mad you are at the military. It will make you feel better.
  11. Get mad at the military. It’s okay. You don’t always have to love everything the military does.
  12. Focus on you. Don’t give up your dreams.
  13. Get off your military instillation. Explore. Make civilian friends. Learn about your new area.
  14. Listen to Seasoned Spouses. They have good advice and they have been there.
  15. Help out newbie military spouses. You have a lot to offer, even if you have only been a military spouse for a short time yourself.
  16. Remember you can do this. Whatever it is. Take it one day at a time.
  17. Create boundrries for yourself. With friends. With your job. With family.
  18. Make time for yourself. Me time is always important. Look for ways to find that me time, no matter how busy your life might be.
  19. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. Doing so will bring you amazing things.
  20. You don’t have to send fancy care packages if you don’t want to. That might not be your jam. That’s okay.
  21. Share your story. Start a blog. Share on Instagram. When we share our stories, whatever they might be, we can truly help one another not feel so alone.
  22. Don’t sweat the small stuff, especially during a deployment. You might have to let a lot of things go. But that will bring you more peace.
  23. Each of your kids might handle the stress of military life in a different way. Some might need a little more help than others.
  24. Sometimes things will happen that won’t make any sense. Learn that this is just a part of military life. Sometimes you won’t be able to explain the randomness of it all.
  25. Don’t let rank get in the way of a friendship. Rules about rank are for service members, not spouses. That being said, be aware of what would bother your spouse or put them in an uncomfortable situation.
  26. Celebrate your military spouse wins. Get excited when you hit 100 days of deployment. Get excited when you cross things off your PCS to-do list.
  27. Talk with your spouse about PERSEC. Find out what they are okay with you sharing and what they are not. Some service members do not want to be on social media, and others are totally okay with it.
  28. Be wary of scams. Are you dating a service member? Awesome! Are they asking for you to send them money even thoguh you have never met in person? Be wary. People do try to scam others by pretending to be a service member.
  29. Learn about military discounts. Many amusement parks have them. A lot of resturants do too. Don’t be afraid to ask about them when you are out shopping. Just be respectful if the answer is no or if they are only for the service member.
  30. Share your life with your civilian friends. They are curious and might only know about military life from TV or movies.
  31. Be yourself. Not all military spouses are the same. We come from different places and backgrounds. Find your milspouse people.
  32. Know if you are struggling in this life, reaching out for extra help is okay. Doing so might be just what you need to get through your current challenge.
  33. Go to college, find a job, and pursue your own dreams as much as you can. Follow your passions, even during military life, whatever they might be.
  34. During a deployment, make a list of all the things you want to accomplish or learn. Work on home projects, write a book, learn a new skill, and figure out ways to stay busy that can help you grow as a person.
  35. Visit home, especially when you need a break from your duty station. But when you do, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for not visiting them or spending your vacation the way you need to as a family.
  36. Take pictures. Make photo albums. Write down your memories. You will be glad you did.
  37. Learn from one another. Listen to how others make deployments a little easier or hacks they have about pcsing. You don’t have to do everything they do, but putting more tools in your military spouse toolbox will be a good idea.
  38. Feeling lonely? Find activities and events in your local area to get out and meet new people. Don’t give up if you don’t meet anyone right away. Keep trying.
  39. Grow through your expeirences, even the bad ones. There is always something new to learn.
  40. Enjoy this life as much as you can, but know that often times military life is a roller coaster. You will have some amazing moments, and some pretty difficult ones. There will be different seasons of your military life.

The Road I Traveled: Finding the Right Career

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The Road I Traveled: Finding the Right Career

In March of 2013, I looked into the blue, blue eyes of my Marine and said my vows. I was confident I was entirely prepared for life as an active duty spouse. Of course, I was wrong.

While my husband and I had already experienced the highs and lows of deployments, separations, and reunions, marrying him, and choosing to follow him from duty station to duty station was and is a different world entirely. To succeed together my husband and I had to buy-in, not just to the military, but to one another. That meant finding ways to work together to ensure we each had and have fulfilling personal and professional lives.

Sometimes one career is being built in a more focused way while the other takes a bit of a back seat. This was us during the early days of my husband’s career. I already had my bachelor’s degree and had been in the professional world for nearly a decade. My husband was just starting his military career and had an associate’s degree.

While I didn’t focus on paid work during that time, I did engage with my husband’s unit as a family readiness volunteer. For us, this was an example of both mutual buy-in and the value of individuating from one another. I brought my personal and professional experience to the Family Readiness Officer (at that time FROs were DoD employees) and said “how can I help the unit”? The FRO was delighted to have me and this experience led to many volunteer assignments that I was able to put on my resume. These experiences ranged from supporting the Marines in their education goals, to helping train volunteers, and more. 

Even more important than the experience I brought to the table, however, was learning the value of self-advocacy in the military environment. It can be easy to assume “I can’t” when adjusting to and trying to understand a large, complex organization like a military service branch.

While not everyone is going to want to volunteer within their spouse’s unit, self-advocacy still applies. Whether you work off-base, volunteer aboard a base, with the community, or another organization, viewing yourself as an asset, and as an individual with something to contribute matters.

When I was pregnant with our son, the importance of my individual personhood became particularly clear. I remember my greatest fear during that time was losing myself in motherhood. I wanted to ensure I maintained my individuality, my personhood, separate from not just my husband, but my child as well.

After our son was born, (while my husband was deployed of course) I experienced many an emotional fluctuation in how I felt I was developing and how I felt about being seen as “more than a mom”. I remember being particularly worried that my husband sometimes lost sight of me and my experiences and saw only “mother of my child”. 

My mother was the voice of reason in my ear. She encouraged me to regularly take time for myself. She reminded me that nurturing my interests and passions would allow me to be a better, happier, mother and spouse.

Embracing motherhood as a part of my whole, allowed me to integrate its realities and responsibilities as I pursued my goals. As my son grew and became more independent I did as well. I learned that being completely supportive of my husband’s career, being engaged in the military community, and STILL being fiercely individual, career-minded, and a goal-oriented person are not mutually exclusive.

By the time our son turned 3, I knew I wanted to get my graduate degree. I wanted to contribute financially to our family and develop a career that could weather the realities of deployments, PCSing, and solo parenting. 

My bachelor’s degree is in social work, so I started there. I looked at my requirements for career success, the growth of social work job roles, starting salaries, and what my loans would look like. I enrolled with Hire Heroes (a fantastic organization supporting veterans and military spouses as they develop careers) to start redesigning my resume and learn the strategies for applying for jobs online. I built a LinkedIn profile since I knew I wanted a strong virtual presence, and I joined several professional military spouse groups on Facebook and LinkedIn.

Prior to enrolling in a program, I spent a year researching my options. I knew I needed an asynchronous, online program so I could learn at my own pace and not have classes impacted by deployments, TDYs, and solo parenting. Through my research, I learned that a master’s in social work (MSW) was not the best option for me and my goals.

I looked at writing degrees since I enjoyed writing and knew editing and proofreading would lend themselves to remote work. The salaries weren’t what I wanted. I looked at some education-focused programs and found myself learning more about curriculum analysis and development. In the end, I discovered Instructional Design.

I wasn’t familiar with Instructional Design, so I delved a bit deeper and learned about course design, developing learning objectives, and the difference between pedagogy (teaching kids) and andragogy (teaching adults). With this information in hand, I started searching for programs, found one I liked, and had a 45-minute informational interview with the director of the program.

He provided me with the contact information for some graduates of the program so I could learn more about life in the role and how to apply this education to my career development. Those informational interviews were critical to my ability to make an informed, educated decision about my graduate program. I scouted job boards to see what kind of roles were offered for this degree and what the salaries were in the real world, not just on salary.com. I saw many jobs that met my needs for flexibility and remote work. 

Through a combination of commitment to developing my LinkedIn profile, networking, and luck, I had a job in my field 6 months before I graduated from my program. That job and the multiple internships I held through my schooling prepared me for my current role. In this role, I benefit from a fantastic mentor and a remote position that supports a mission I care about.

On this journey, I took plenty of detours, and there were many times I experienced self-doubt and a lack of confidence in my ability to succeed. In those moments I benefitted from my entirely bought-in, unfailingly supportive, cheerleader of a husband and partner. He supported all my goals, talked through challenges with me, and kept me company during project crunch times. 

I could draw this reflection on my path to a close with a platitude or two and a “Rah Rah!” Instead, I’ll share a few of the lessons I’ve learned while navigating this crazy military life.

  1. Fill your own cup first: You cannot give from an empty vessel. Give yourself the time and space to recharge. This may look different at various life stages. When my son was little it might just have been an hour at a Starbucks reading and enjoying my espresso. Now, it might be a whole day by myself doing my own activities or errands to allow myself some breathing room.
  2. Individuate. Always. Being wholly supportive of your spouse’s military career doesn’t mean you sacrifice yours. Remember that while you’re partners in life you still have individual goals. 
  3. Self-Advocate: You have something positive to contribute. You are an asset. Remember that. Go forth and reflect that. Ask for the things you want and the things you want to see. Engage. Be the change you want to see (okay, so that’s a platitude but it’s a good one!)
  4. ALWAYS ASK: The worst that can happen is someone says no. Then, you move on to the next way to get your question answered or your goal met. 
  5. Be kind to yourself: Be as kind to yourself as you would to a good friend. Give yourself chances, and forgiveness. Recognize that mistakes are just part of life and learn from them. 

I love my life as a Training Performance Analyst (super fancy job title to explain lots of time in excel) a Mama to an amazing son, an active-duty spouse, a friend, and a person with a growth mindset. Thanks for letting me share a little bit of it with you. 

Dvija Maurer is a woman of many interests. Some of these include Korean cuisine, history, politics, how many times her son will say “ok mom” before remembering to pick up his towel, and playing D&D with friends and family. After receiving both undergraduate and graduate degrees from the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, Dvija pursued her career in the world of training and performance. She found the remote opportunities in the training sector fit perfectly into the active duty military life she shares with her husband Gerard, son Charlie, and two dogs, Mando and Rey.

If you’d like to connect with Dvija she can be found on LinkedIn at: 

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dee-maurer-dvijapatni

The Ups and the Downs of Military Life

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The Ups and the Downs of Military Life

My military spouse life today looks completely different than it did back 15-16 years ago. For one thing, back then, my husband was active duty Army, and we were stationed in Germany. What was going on in the world, and Iraq and Afghanistan at the time were very different than what is going on today.

Technology was a bit different too. We didn’t have as much access to our service members when they were deployed, and it was harder to connect with them overseas.

I still experience the ups and downs of military life. The back and the forth. The good and the bad.

When your spouse first joins the military, or you marry a service member, military life can be a big shock to the system. For some things change a lot. You go from a civilian spouse coming home at 5 on the dot to a deployment. You can go from your parent’s house to your own house halfway around the world. Military life comes with a lot of changes.

But we spouses, we adapt, we have to.

We work to find community. We try to find people we can connect with. We don’t want to go through all of this alone.

We hit the speed bumps, which can really throw us off if we don’t see them coming. We know they might be ahead but we can lie to ourselves and pretend they won’t affect us. But then they do. And we can feel pretty sad about it all.

But then things change. Life changes. Things get easier, if only for a little while.

You might PCS to a new duty station, closer to home. A deployment might get canceled, or you meet someone you click with so well, that you know you will always have each other’s back.

When that happens, you start to feel like you can do it. You can rock whatever comes at you. And you know what? That’s such a wonderful feeling.

But it is okay if that feeling doesn’t last. Because sometimes this military life can be so hard.

I have learned over the years that I have to take care of myself, no matter what is coming my way. I have to find those times for self-care, even within the crazy. I have to find friends to be with and talk with. I have to balance my life so that I don’t become too overwhelmed.

And after all these years, I am still tweaking things. I am still figuring out what works best and how to get through time away from my husband or any other military struggle that comes up.

If you are new to military life, you may be feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything you have to deal with.

From TRICARE to PCSing, from the MWR to DEERS. There is so much to know.

The reality is you don’t have to know everything right now. You will learn over time and you will figure out how best to get through this life.

So many military spouses have come before you and will help you on your journey.

There are so many resources out there, from organizations like Blue Star Families offering different events to companies like MilSpouse Conversations offering places to connect and talk with each other. I also have blog posts on topics such as deployments, PCSing, and more.

If you are new to military life, know that there will be ups and downs in this lifestyle. Not every day will be good but not every day will be bad either. And those really bad days? You will figure out ways to get through them. To get to a better place.

What helps you get to a better place when you are feeling down?

If you are in the San Diego area, come to the Spill THEE Tea – Conversations with a milspouse panel sponsored by Blue Star Families on September 8th, 2022 from 6-8 pm PT. Sign up here.

Where You Go, I Will Go: Lessons From a Military Spouse by Victoria Terrinoni 

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This post contains affiliate links!

Do you know what I love the most? Hearing military spouse stories! I feel like we can all learn from one another. We have been through so many similar situations, and we can relate to what we have all gone through.

We can learn so much from military spouses that have come before us. They all have wisdom to offer us and we can learn so much from their own experiences.

Where You Go, I Will Go: Lessons From a Military Spouse by Victoria Terrinoni is the story of a 31-year military spouse. Victoria talks about everything she experienced over the years, from all their moves to deployments, to her feelings about retirement and living in their post-military house.

Victoria sent me her book for review and I just loved everything she brought to the book. We get to hear her story and she also gives us little lessons based on what the chapter was about.

If you are new to military life and wonder what the years might bring, Victoria can give you a picture. Through her story, you can learn about what you might experience and how you can truly thrive during this life.

And if you are a more seasoned spouse, I am sure you will be able to relate to many of her stories and lessons learned over the years.

From Amazon:

Your significant other just announced they joined the military. After getting over the shock, you have questions, lots of questions.

What is it like living in the military?

What happens when my spouse deploys?

How do I handle moving all the time?

This honest and insightful book will give you an inside look at a military spouse’s life and help you navigate the system. Readers will learn the joys and pitfalls of being married to the military.

The writer dispels some myths about the military lifestyle and highlights the lessons learned along the way. This book will help you figure out what you can do to combat the loneliness you feel every time you move to a new place. How lost you feel trying to deal with a totally different system than anything else you’ve dealt with before. It also helps you learn to use military-speak, a language of its own.

Where You Go, I Will Go takes you on the author’s 31-year journey as a military spouse to show you are not alone in this. She also points out her biggest mistakes, so you don’t make them as well.

Where You Go, I Will Go gives you the basics you need to:

  • · See how a move is supposed to go and how they actually turn out.
  • · What to do to ease your child’s confusion with these life changes.
  • · Where to go for support, especially during a deployment.
  • · What do all those acronyms mean?

By reading this book, you will find lessons to help you throughout your military career while getting an insider’s view of the fun times and the hard times of military life.

What’s stopping you from learning the ropes from someone who has been there?

You can purchase your own copy on Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.

To the Gold Star Spouse…

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I see you. I see you sitting there, trying to hold everything together. I see you, wondering how you are sitting where you are. Wondering how this could be your new normal.

Your pain is probably indescribable right now. You lost him, and one of your worst fears came true. And now you are here, ready for the ceremony to begin.

Your children are by your side, they are too young to understand, or maybe they are not too young? Maybe they will remember this day, the day to honor their daddy.

You start to think about what you will tell them about this day, about what happened, about how things used to be. You will tell them about the stories he used to read, about the jokes he used to make. You will tell them about how you two met, your first date, and the day he asked you to be his.

You feel your family and friends surrounding you, but you know they will never truly understand what you are going through. You wish you could explain, but you can’t, and hope that someday, maybe you will.

The past week has been unreal, and you feel like your life is unraveling. What your life uses to be will no longer be. Everything changed and you know that your life will always have a line down the middle it, before and after.

As the ceremony begins, you thought you would be able to make it through but you break down and are immediately surrounded by hugs from your family. Everyone watching wants to take the pain away, even if there is no way to do that for you.

Music is played, and the traditions begin, and still, you can’t believe you are here. You try to listen to what is being said but all you can think about is your husband, and how many of the things about him you will miss.

And then it is time, time for the part you saw in pictures plenty of times, the part you never really thought you would have to endure. A man in a uniform is standing in front of you, he hands you something and for one second you think he shouldn’t be, that this is all a mistake, that this all really isn’t happening.

“On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Army, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.”

And you take the flag and know in your heart how much of a hero your husband was, but you also know that knowing that won’t stop the pain.

As then it is over, the ceremony is over and your friends and family are there to mourn with you. You hear stories about a friend of his you had never met before but knew him during one of his deployments. You see a friend you only knew casually through playgroup, who just wants to give you a hug. You see his father break down, and know that he is dealing with the loss of his son, as only a father does.

As you get in the car, with your son by your side, your daughter in front with her own parents, you wonder how you will ever move on from this. Life has changed forever, and nothing will ever be the same.

So, to the Gold Star Spouse, know that no matter where you go or where you are, the military community has your back. We care and we mourn and we wish you didn’t have to go through this. We aren’t always sure what to say and maybe we will say something stupid but we know that your husband died a hero and he will always be in our hearts.

We will think of him always, of the jokes he told, of the smiles he gave, of the way he talked about you and his family. We will remember him when we think of his bravery and we will never forget the sacrifice he made for his country.

We will think and pray for you often, for your children and we will celebrate small wins with you as you figure out your way through this new normal.

We will tell you, “thank you for your husband’s service” and do our best to honor him through the years, in whatever way we can.

Here is a list of resources to help support Gold Star Spouses and Families:

“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” – Helen Keller

New in the SWCL Shop!

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The SWCL Shop was started in 2021, to bring my designs to the marketplace.

I have created a store on Zazzle to offer my designs and memes on magnets, stickers, prints, and more! Perfect for your military spouse life.

This post contains affiliate links!

Here is what you can find in the shop!

When Military Life Isn’t Fair

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When Military Life Isn't Fair

Military life isn’t fair. It really isn’t.

One of the mistakes I made going into this life was thinking military life might be fair. I know life isn’t fair but I guess I just assumed that the Military would be. The military is structured and organized, right?

I thought that if you turned your paperwork in on time, you would get a quick response. Nope. Sometimes you have to wait because so and so went on a two-week vacation. Other times your paperwork gets lost or sent to the wrong department. You really have to be on top of what needs to get done.

We stopped getting our BAH once because we didn’t send in a rental agreement, only no one told us we needed to, and figuring out what the was problem took some time.

I thought that if you went through one deployment, you would get a break on the next one. Nope. How often they deploy depends on the unit and luck. Two soldiers can enlist the exact same day in the exact same MOS and have a completely different career path.

You can control some of this, but not everything. Sometimes what happens is just random and that is hard to get over when you think there should be some sort of fairness to this type of life. I learned that fairness has no place in a deployment schedule. Or in military life in general. That is just the way it tends to work.

Through the years I have learned that sometimes you just have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

I have learned that you just can’t plan everything out based on what you think should happen. You can’t even plan based on what has happened in your spouse’s career in the past. Things change a lot and you really just have to go with the flow.

I am such a planner. I want to know what is going on, what time it is going on, where it will be happening and what I need to do to prepare. Military life makes this hard sometimes. Often times you get little notice for something.

Some military families only get a short notice before they have to move. Others go through the deploying one week, not deploying the next to end up deploying anyways. The whiplash is hard to take. And can happen over and over again.

I had to let go of the idea that everything will lead to a nicely wrapped future. I don’t think that is true for anyone. If I could go back in time and tell myself anything it would be that.

I would tell myself that things will happen that I have no control over and that I just have to roll with the changes. I think life would have been a little bit easier if I had realized that in the beginning. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but over the years, as I became a more seasoned military spouse, I started to understand the realities of military life.

If you are new to Military life and you are already feeling the unfairness of it all, take a step back.

Realize that military life is going to be this way sometimes. That the best thing to do is try to roll with what is going on, vent to those who understand, and figure out a way to get through the difficult situation.

Look for the good benefits that this life brings, they are there. If it wasn’t for the Military, I wouldn’t have met the friends I did or traveled to the places I was able to go. I would be a different person and I am not sure I would be as strong.

Try not to be jealous of others. Be happy for them because you never know what might happen in the future. Try to enjoy the journey as best you can. Find friends who get what you are going through, depend on family who wants to help you, and try to support others when you can.

Military life isn’t far, even if you think that it should be. Military life is filled with twists and turns, ups and downs, good times, and bad. You just have to work to find a way to make this life work for you, even if that means taking all the struggles one day at a time.