Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

13 Super Smart Marriage Tips For Military Couples During a Deployment!

by

13 Super Smart Marriage Tips For Military Couples During a Deployment!

With a deployment in the future, you could be a little worried about your marriage. You have heard the stories, you just don’t know what being away from one another for an extended period of time will be like.

How will your marriage get through this? Will you come out stronger on the other side?

Here are 13 super smart marriage tips for military couples during a deployment:

1. Communication is important

Although you won’t always be able to talk to one another because of the mission, communication is important to do when you can. This might mean writing emails or sending text messages. Do whatever you can to stay connected over the miles. If you do have to go a longer time without talking, writing actual letters can be a way to “talk” to your spouse when you can, and then you can send them when you know they will be able to get them.

2. Don’t one-up one another about who has it harder

You could go back and forth about who has it harder during a deployment. The truth is, you can’t compare. You are each going through a difficult situation and need that grace from your spouse to understand. Don’t one-up each other, it’s not worth the fight.

3. Remember, the military has to come first

The military comes first. This is the way that the military is. You have to accept that and move through the difficulties that come with military life.

You have to find ways to cope and handle being apart. Your service member can’t come home early from a deployment because you want them to, you just have to stick things out. And while this can be so difficult sometimes, remember that this is just the way the military is can sometimes help.

4. Don’t hang up on each other, and if you do…

Don’t hang up the phone on one another, even if you are angry. If you do in the heat the moment (which happens) send a quick email or call back if you can. Hanging up that way isn’t good when talking on the phone is the biggest part of your relationship.

5. Don’t feel like you have to talk for hours every day

You and your spouse don’t have to talk for hours every day to be connected. When you do, you run out of things to say. Sometimes a simple 15-minute phone call is all you need to say “hi, I love you” and check-in with one another. You can also keep an ongoing list of things to talk about since the last time you chatted.

6. Don’t stay in your house all of the time

Don’t stay in your house all the time. Make plans. Stay busy.

Your service member will want to know you are still living your life, even if they are away. And getting out there will make time go by a little faster. While being at home can be comforting, try to get out at least once or twice a week.

7. Talk about money before they leave

Make sure to talk about money expectations before they leave. How much will they have to spend overseas? How much will you have to spend on the kids? What will you be saving for and what will you do with the extra money that you receive?

Money can be a big stressor. When you are living apart and running two different households, being on the same page with money is even more important.

8. Remember why you love each other

At the end of the day, remember why you first fell in love in the first place. Remember your first date, the first time you said I love you, and the first time you knew you would get married. Remembering who you guys are together is important.

9. Watch a show together

Watch a TV show together and then talk about what happened in the episode over the phone or even in an email. This will allow you to connect over a shared experience.

This post contains affiliate links! 

10. Read a book together

Like watching a TV show, you can read a book together and discuss what is being said. A marriage book can be a good idea too such as The 5 Love Languages Military Edition. Doing this can help improve your relationship.

11. Talk about your day

When you are able to talk on the phone, share your day with them. Let them know what the kids have been up to. Email photos of you and the kids. Your service member should want to hear about what you all are up to back home.

12. Write love letters

Write paper love letters to one another and send them in the mail. Getting letters from home is the best for our service members and also an enjoyable thing to get in the mail for those of us back home. You can pour out your heart and let your spouse know how much you care about them.

13. Look at the deployment as a temporary thing

Remember, deployments are temporary, and while they can be difficult for a military marriage, they don’t have to define your marriage. They can make your marriage stronger. You just have to get through them, even when they feel like they are neverending.

What marriage advice would you add to this list?

Join my email list and receive a free Guide for your first 30 days of deployment! 

To Love a Soldier

by

To Love a Soldier

To Love a Soldier

To love a soldier means to stand by him or her as they put on the uniform and commit to serving our country.

To love a soldier means wiping the tears away and promising to love them no matter how many miles away they must go.

To love a soldier means not understanding why things take so long or why things change so much.

To love a soldier means finding others that love soldiers and making friendships that last a lifetime.

To love a soldier means loving a man or woman in uniform, wherever their career might take them.

To love a soldier means temporarily fulfilling the role of both mom and dad and being the default parent that your children know will always be with them.

To Love a Soldier

To love a soldier means having to explain to your child why their daddy had to miss another birthday.

To love a soldier means being a part of history as a spouse that stood by while their loved one fought for freedom.

To love a soldier means we have something in common with others that have loved their service member through our country’s wars as well as peacetime.

To love a soldier means that we grow stronger as the years go by because we have dealt with realities others have not.

To love a soldier puts the words from our wedding, “in sickness and in health” front and center as we try to understand and help those coming home from war.

To love a soldier means being a military spouse, supporting our spouse and being part of an incredible group of men and women who are doing the same.

I love my soldier and the life we have created together. Through living overseas, multiple deployments and the twists and turns that this military journey has given us.

Whether you love a soldier or a service member of another branch, you know what this life is like. You know how hard this life can be, but you stand by them because you love them and that is the basis for getting through anything military life throws at you.

How long have you been a military spouse?

How to Say Goodbye to your Spouse as they Leave for Deployment

by

How to Say Goodbye to your Spouse as they Leave for Deployment

Some of the hardest days of my life as a military spouse have been the days I have had to say goodbye to my husband. To give him one more hug, one more kiss, and hope and pray he would return to us. To watch him as he said goodbye to our children, knowing that they will be in different stages when he returns.

Saying goodbye is never easy.

Saying goodbye to your spouse as they go off to war is one of the hardest things you will have to do as a military spouse.

Our goodbyes have been different depending on the deployment and the situation. Some we have stayed around for a while and waited until we saw him leave. Others we have dropped him off and drove away before he got on the bus. I learned after the first deployment that leaving earlier was easier for all of us.

If you are getting ready to have to say goodbye to your spouse for a deployment or other reason, here are some ideas to help get through that day:

1. Do your goodbye your way. Different people handle the goodbyes in different ways. Your spouse might have a certain way he wants to say goodbye, you might have a certain way you want to say goodbye. Take some time to talk things over and figure out what works best for your family.

2. Cry if you need to. If you need to cry, do so. I believe for some of us crying is getting the sadness out and it is a step we have to take to get to where we can accept what is going on.

I have said goodbye to my husband and cried in the car and I have said goodbye and no tears came until I got home. It just depended on my mood. It’s okay to cry if you need to. Deployments are sad. Tears might come.

3. Plan the first few days. If you can figure out exactly what you are going to do after you say your goodbyes, it will be an easier start to the deployment. You might want to plan to rent a movie and order pizza, you might want to get together with friends, you might just want to go to bed early and call it a night. Make a plan and then you will have some direction once you leave the drop off location.

4. Call a friend. Or not. Some people want to talk to others as soon as they have said goodbye, others want some alone time. Think about what would work best for you. If you feel the need, call a friend or family member.

If you don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t feel like you have to. Take the time to get used to your new normal and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for not calling them as soon as your spouse has left.

If you need to notify family, send out a group text or message. Let them know you will be up for chatting in a few days. Most people will respect that.

5. Remember, goodbye means the countdown can begin. Waiting for a deployment to start is so rough. Once they actually leave, the countdown can begin. Each day you mark off your calendar is one day closer to them being home. As you say your goodbyes, remember that the deployment or time away is just a short period of time in the scheme of things. Time will pass and they will be back with you again.

If you are in a place where you will be saying goodbye soon, I am not going to lie, doing this will probably be one of the hardest things you will have to do. Know that you are not alone in what you are going through and that a lot of other military spouses around you are feeling the same way.

What do you do to get through the goodbyes of military life? How do you handle saying goodbye to your spouse over and over again?

The Military is Going to Disappoint You

by Leave a Comment

The Military is Going to Disappoint You

Making plans as a military spouse feels like gambling. Will we be able to go on that trip? Will we really move to that state next year? What will the next few years look like?

I learned pretty quickly that the military is going to disappoint you. Paperwork takes longer than it should, dates get changed, and you can be left feeling like your thoughts and desires don’t even matter.

Getting used to this isn’t easy and even 16 years in, I still feel that disappointment. I feel it when drill dates get changed last minute. I feel it when we have to cancel trips due to being called up. I feel it when I start to wonder if my husband will be deployed and if so for how long?

There are just so many unknown changes in military life.

I think we try to cling to things that seem so certain, even if they could actually change, even if we know they might do so. We want so badly to have a normal life, plan all the things, and have them actually happen. We want to feel like we have some type of control.

When we hear our spouse might be getting orders to a new duty station in California, we want to plan all the things. We want to figure out where to live and what schools our kids will go to. We want to start a bucket list and plan what we will do for fun. We want to start to apply for jobs and get that moving.

But then, the military changes its mind and we end up in another state or another country and have to start the process all over again. We get frustrated because even if we can come to terms with the moves, coming to terms with the changes associated with them can be more difficult.

The truth is, the military is going to disappoint you and often. And the best thing to do is figure out how to roll with these changes. Because they are going to keep coming.

The military is going to disappoint you because living a military life is a bit of a sacrifice. Your service member signed up to give these years to the government. And doing so means that the mission comes first. Even if it is frustrating or inconvenient for the family.

We joke about always writing our plans in pencil but maybe that is what we have to do to stay sane. We joke about Murphy but maybe we have to plan for that to happen, and a plan for what we should do if it does. We joke about “hurry up and wait” but maybe that is what we always have to have in our heads when it comes to anything military.

As military spouses, we have to work hard to establish ourselves even within the military world. Depending on where you are stationed and what your own dreams might be, this isn’t always easy. We might need to pivot and plan for a last-minute deployment, or other change we didn’t see coming.

As military spouses, we have to figure out ways to handle the disappointment that comes with all of this. Some of us might need to cry it out, that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad over a disappointment. But then, we have to figure out how to move through the change, and what we can do to get back on track.

Having some good military spouse friends, either in person, online, or both can be a good way to handle some of what military life brings. Your military spouse friends have been there. And can be there to encourage you. To see the light in the tunnel, and to help you come up with a plan.

Having good systems in place so you are not left all alone and so that you do have a backup plan is important. Who will you call if something breaks in your house? Who will you go to if your childcare falls through? What will you do when you are having a bad day and just need to find a listening ear?

Having a good plan for those what-ifs of military life can go a long way in helping you through periods of time when the military disappoints you. You can plan for everything, and when you do, those plans can change but you can be prepared for what you might need in the future.

You can also try to use caution when it comes to certain things. Don’t plan out a PCS before the orders come. Don’t assume your spouse will be around for something in the future, they might not be. And yes, always use that pencil in your planner. That way you can pivot, change, and get through the disappointments that come with military life.

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse is in the Military

by 13 Comments

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse is in the Military

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse Is In The Military

One of the hardest parts of being a Military spouse is when your spouse is away from you. They can be gone for a few weeks, a few months, or even up to a year. In some cases even longer. When you are dealing with that plus dealing with anxiety, life can feel like too much at times.

I never realized how bad my anxiety could get until right before our 4th deployment.

I have always been a bit of a worrier. I worry about silly little things that my husband just can’t understand. I have a hard time with driving. If I haven’t ever been to the place before, if it is too far from home, or if I have to drive somewhere at night, doing so can be a challenge.

I have had to work hard on this because I do have to drive most days. I have to power through. And most days I am able to.

I worry about silly things with my kids. Usually, when my husband is home, I can just ask him what he thinks and then I can calm down and it isn’t a big deal. When he is deployed, I can’t do that so my worry level goes up.

I get anxious about my car when I park somewhere new. I get anxious about locking my front door, did I remember to do it? I get anxious about a lot of little things and all of that can add up.

Right before our 4th deployment, I knew I needed to do something about my anxiety.

I couldn’t see how I could get through the deployment without upping my game a little bit. I had friends to hang out with, kids to keep me busy, and projects to work on but that wasn’t going to be enough this time. It just wasn’t.

I ended up talking to my doctor about what was going on and she suggested medication. I am not against meds altogether but I wasn’t sure if they were right for me. I really went back and forth about taking them. I decided I wanted to see how counseling would work before I tried medication.

So I started going to see someone. Thank goodness Tricare paid for it. Going to counseling was the best thing I could have done. I am not going to say that all my anxiety went away, it didn’t, but talking to someone really helped me, in ways nothing else did.

If I ever get to where I feel the way I did back then, I would go see someone again in a heartbeat.

Anxiety is rough, and for me, a deployment made that anxiety worse.

Studies have found that wives of deployed soldiers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. This was not a big surprise to me. I know I am not the only one that struggles.

Throw in a deployment, or two, or three or, however many you have to go through, and life can get pretty challenging. I think as military spouses we want to be strong but anxiety or depression can drag us down, and make us feel as if everything is just too hard.

The issue with anxiety is so much more than just worrying. We all might worry about our spouses being in a war zone, at least on some level. Anxiety goes much further than that and should be taken more seriously. Anxiety can make you worry about things that other people don’t even think about.

We can’t just pray anxiety away or go out with friends to get rid of those feelings. Anxiety is something we have to work at on a daily basis. Anxiety can ruin your whole day. Anxiety can make life so much more difficult.

So what should you do if you struggle with anxiety and your spouse is in the Military?

You need to take steps to figure out how you are going to get through what you are dealing with. If your spouse is going to make the Military a career, you will have to figure something out. For some that might be moving back home during a deployment, others might need to take medication or start seeing a counselor. Some military spouses might need to do everything in order to get to a better place. Don’t be ashamed and try to seek help if you can.

The Military does have some resources for you too. You can visit the Tricare page to see what your options are. Military One Source is also a great resource for more information.

Remember that you are only human and if you feel like you need extra help, ask for that help. Admitting this can be difficult but important. You will be a better spouse, a better parent, and a better friend if you can get the help you need.

Do you struggle from anxiety? How do you deal with it all when going through something difficult like a deployment?

15 Quotes to Get You Through Difficult Times

by

15 Quotes to Get You Through Difficult Times

Deployments, PCSing, missing friends, missing loved ones, feeling homesick, and dealing with the day to day life can be a bit much some times. We are all only human after all. I love that reading other people’s words can help us through difficult times, at least in some small way.

Wise words from others who have been through difficult times. Wise words from others who get it. Wise words that we can take with us in the future, through other difficult times.

Here are 15 of them that might just help you through whatever it is you are dealing with, whether it is trying to homeschool your children when you never signed up for that, or waiting for an extended deployment to be over.

“In times of great stress or adversity, it’s always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive.” – Lee Iacocca

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” – J.R.R. Tolkien, ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’

“I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me.” – Dr. Seuss

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – Christopher Robin to Pooh, A.A. Milne

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.”- Dale Carnegie

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”- Haruki Murakami

“Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or a greater benefit.” – Napoleon Hill

“Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path, and you will find you have crossed the mountain.” – Author Unknown

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”- Vivian Greene

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

“We are all dealing with a challenge of some kind. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others.”- Karen Salmansohn

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” – Mary Anne Radmacher

“Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9 

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” – Henry Ford

“We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.” – Maya Angelou

What are your favorite quotes for going through difficult times???

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

by

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

There are a lot of preparations that need to happen before a service member deploys. He or she will go through a lot of pre-deployment tasks from packing their bags to paperwork within their units. They will have bags ready to go weeks if not months before they leave.

And as time counts down to the start of a deployment, you are working hard to keep things together and to prepare yourself for their departure. As you do this, there are some things you should probably talk about with your spouse before they go. Some of these are difficult to talk about but they need to be done before they leave.

Here is what you and your spouse need to talk about before they deploy:

What you will do

Talk about what you will do during the deployment. Will you go home for the deployment or stay put? If you do go home, when will you leave and how will you get there? Will you go before they deploy or wait until after the deployment starts? Who will you stay with and how will that change how you budget?

If you are going to stay, what will you do with their car? Will you put the car in storage or plan to drive it every so often? Will you visit home while they are gone? Will you visit anyone else? Talk about all of these things, so you two are on the same page about where you will be when they are deployed.

And whatever you decide to do you need to make sure you notify the Command/FRG with your updated address. They need to know this information before you go.

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

Their wishes

This is the hardest thing you will have to talk about with your spouse before they go. Is their will updated? What do they want to have happen if something does happen to them? Have you talked about where they want to be buried, what they want to have at the service, and any other wishes they might have about this?

You also should talk about your options, where you might go, what would be best or even that you have no idea what you would want to do. Talking about this type of thing is hard. Most military spouses are only in their 20s and 30s, and this isn’t something that generally comes up until later on in life. But as military spouses, who send our loved ones off to war, we need to have these discussions.

POA expectations

Make sure you get a POA (Power of Attorney) before they go. You will need a general one; you might need a limited power of attorney. If you have plans to buy a car while they are gone, you might need to get a limited/special POA for that. Think about what you might need and discuss all of this together.

Communication

How will you communicate? Will they expect a care package every so often? Will you want a letter once a week? Talk about expectations before they go. While you might not know for sure how often they will be able to talk with you before they get there, talking about what you both expect is important.

Some service members are better at communication while overseas than others. If communication is hard for your spouse, make sure to talk about what both of you can do to make being away from one another easier. This will help with hurt feelings and not knowing why you are not hearing from your spouse as often as your friends are.

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

Deployment pay

What will you do with the extra deployment pay? Do you know how much it will be? If your spouse is in the National Guard or Reserves, what will the pay compare to what they are making now? Budgeting is always important, and budgeting for a deployment is a must.

If you do get extra money, will you use it to pay down debt, put it into savings, or for something else? What will your “fun budget” be? Will that change now that they are gone? What about your grocery budget? When one adult moves out for a time, that can change a lot.

If your service member gets BAS (Basic Allowance for Subsistence) right now, that could stop if they deploy. This seems to be something that is based on the deployment. Sometimes they pull the BAS, other times they don’t. Make sure to keep that in mind as you are making up your deployment budget.

Talking about what you will be doing with your money while they are deployed will allow you two to be on the same page. This will help down the line as both of you will know what you can spend and when you could be overspending. If you have the same financial goals, you will be more likely to achieve them.

While there is no way to prepare for a deployment 100%, make sure that you do have these discussions so that you can start off the deployment on the same page.

What do you and your spouse make sure to discuss before they deploy?

When is The Best Time For a Military Family To Have a Baby?

by

When is The Best Time For a Military Family To Have a Baby?

When is The Best Time For a Military Family To Have a Baby?

We started this military journey with one little boy. Over the years we added two more and many times I wonder what we would have done had we started this journey without any children.

As you probably already know, when you have children as a military family you will be a solo parent, at least some of the time. You know that your spouse can miss the birth of your child, your pregnancy, and the terrible twos.

The truth is, a lot of military couples end up having children, at least after a couple of years. And they have them despite the stresses of military life. But when is the best time for a military family to have a baby? Should you even try to plan?

When we got pregnant with our 2nd little boy, we knew my husband would probably be deployed when he was born. We knew that a deployment was in the future but we also wanted to have another baby. The timing worked for us in every other way.

During our 1st deployment, I had friends who got pregnant over R&R, assuming their husband would be back home a few months before the birth. In the end, the Dads came home to two-month-olds because the deployment got extended.

The truth is, you can’t plan to have a baby around military life.

Missions, deployments, and orders change all of the time. What you think is going to happen will probably change during the nine months of your pregnancy. If you try to plan for your spouse to be home with you during the birth, things could change and they could be gone anyway, despite the best type of planning.

If you plan to get pregnant right after deployment, you will improve the chances that they will not be deployed when the baby is born but none of that is foolproof. For one thing, they could deploy again. For another, they could have to go to some type of training and be gone anyway.

Sometimes it takes you longer to get pregnant than you think

Even if you got pregnant pretty quickly in the past, that might not be the case in the future. Infertility can cause extra stress when it comes to planning around the military.

If you have a spouse that comes and goes a lot, you could keep missing the window to get pregnant and that can be frustrating. There is a lot to think about when deciding to have a child under this type of pressure.

How long will they be in the military?

How long they plan to serve can be a factor in when you should have a baby. If you are rather young and they only plan to serve a few years, waiting until military life is over might just be the best choice. You would be able to avoid the stresses of solo parenting and enjoy the time you two have together before kids come.

If you are older, this might not be an option. I know for us it wasn’t because we already had one child and knew we wanted a couple more. We didn’t know how long my husband was going to be in the military and my husband was already in his 30s.

If your spouse is planning to do 20+ years in the military, waiting until they get out might not be an option. You might have to decide to have children while he is still serving.

Do you both agree on having children?

Do you both agree on having children? Do you both agree on having children right now? Talk about what your plans are for having kids. Make sure you are on the same page.

If you want a baby right now, and your spouse wants to have one in five years, having one in the middle of military life can make everything a lot more stressful.

The most important thing is to be on the same page. Talk about your options and come up with a plan. That could be having a baby right now, that could be waiting another five years.

It’s okay to wait

I have quite a few friends who didn’t have children until they were in their 30s. I have friends that simply do not want to have children at all. That is okay too.

Just because so many do have children in the military, that doesn’t mean you have to, or that you are behind in life. Your life goals are just as important.

Remember, when you are trying to decide when the best time to have a baby in the military is, there really isn’t one.

There can be benefits to having them gone during certain parts of pregnancy. When my husband was gone during the early months, that made breastfeeding in the middle of the night a bit easier. However, he missed being there during that time.

The best thing to do is to figure out what you want for your future family, know that your spouse could miss important parts of the pregnancy or the child’s life, and figure out how you will get through those times if they happen.

Know that raising kids in the military can be a beautiful thing. They can experience things that other kids never will. They get an up and close view of the military and can learn so many life lessons at an early age.

What have you decided about having children as a military family? Are you going to wait until they get out? Is waiting not an option?