Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military Life

What Military Spouses Want Their Civilian Friends to Know

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What Military Spouses Want Their Civilian Friends to Know

I saw them every day. I went to school with them. Military kids.

I remember driving on base to pick up a friend. I think the gate guards had to call her house to get their okay to let us in. This was pre-9/11 of course.

I remember hearing about how my friend’s dad always had to be away. I didn’t understand what that would be like. My dad was always home.

I remember my co-worker, sending letters to her military husband she had married over leave. How did she do that? How did she have a husband who lived half a world away? I remember her, “Half my heart is in Afghanistan” sticker on her car.

I was complaining to my mom about having to move yet again in my college years. She told me to think of all those military wives that had to pack up their children and keep moving every few years.

And then, in 2005…I became a part of this world. This military lifestyle that I had only seen glimpses of in my civilian years. A life that I didn’t even really know much about, even if I had seen a few war movies. A life that has surprised me in many different ways.

Now I am on the other side. There are so many things I want my non-military spouse friends to know. I want them to understand how things can be for us and what living as a military spouse is all about.

We know we are not the only ones who miss our spouses

As much as we miss our spouses, as much as how that part of military life is hard for us, we are aware that other spouses go through separations too. We know about truck drivers and police officers and firefighters and surgeons and contractors.

We know we are not the only ones missing the ones that we love. We might not be in a good place to hear about how badly someone is missing a spouse who is only gone for a week but even then, we can understand that when you are not used to being apart, it can be difficult. Talking about our military life struggles doesn’t mean we think we are the only ones going through this type of hardship.

We remember our pre-military spouse years

Unless you became a military spouse the day you got married, you will have lived as a civilian before military life started. You remember what it is like. You can compare the before and after.

People have said that military spouse life is the same as any other. I call BS on this. I remember what it was like before the Army.

These days, my life looks different than it did pre-Army, but also different than it did when my husband was active duty. There is a big difference between the two. It isn’t that one type of life is better than any other, but they are different, and saying they are the same does a disservice to both types of lifestyles.

Our marriages are not doomed

It’s way too easy to look at the hardships that military families go through and think that all of our marriages are doomed. This is not true. Sometimes the hardships make for stronger marriages.

Sometimes life outside the military is a reason couples break up. Sometimes people change. Sometimes this is because of the military.

We get jealous

It’s true. I am not going to lie. I have been jealous of non-military families. Of not having to send anyone to war. Of not having friends move away all the time.

I think this is natural. It’s what you do with your jealousy that matters. I can choose to be bitter about it, or I can try to work through it and not let it run my life.

Army wives is not reality

So many people ask if Army Wives the tv show is just like our life. No. It’s a TV show.

There are some truths to the show. There are some realities they got right but for the most part, especially after the first season, things do not seem like real life to me.

We are a diverse bunch

There are so many diverse military families and so many types of people who make up the military world. Some are pretty conservative, some are pretty liberal. Some are from a small town, some are from a big city.

Some have a lot of children, some have no children with no plans to add any in the future. The military world is such a mix of different people. There is not just one way to be a military spouse.

We will miss this life when it is over, even if we couldn’t wait to be civilians again

When it comes to getting out of the military, some of us are really excited about that. However, that doesn’t mean getting out is going to be easy.

We will miss parts of military life. We will sometimes wish we never had to leave. The post ETSing process can be very emotional.

We know you can’t fully understand and that is okay

We know that no matter how many times we explain our lives, or how many blog posts we write, you will never fully understand. And that is okay.

We can’t expect you to, just like we can’t totally understand any of the struggles you are going through that we haven’t experienced. That is life. And that’s okay.

We are thankful

When we know our civilian friends support us, we are thankful. We are thankful for any messages they give. We know they are looking at our lives from the outside but we are so thankful when we know people care and acknowledge what we are going through.

Even if we do get frustrated by certain comments, we know deep down they come from a place of thankfulness and we really appreciate that.

What would you add to this list? What do you want your civilian friends to know about military life?

4 Things to Do When the Military Cancel Your Plans

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4 Things to Do When the Military Cancel Your Plans

You don’t have to be a military spouse for too long to have had the military cancel your plans. Whether it is something small, like a date you had planned, or an appointment you needed them to be with you at, to bigger things such as a deployment changing its dates, or a move being delayed longer than you would like.

Over the years I have had to cancel so many things because of the military. This was even more true when my children were younger. I would have everything lined up, and boom, it all had to change.

So what do you do if the military cancels your plans? Tell the military they can’t do that? Oh, how I wish that was the answer…:) But really, what can you do? Here are a few ideas!

1) Journal it out. The military canceling plans is a big reason I think journaling is so important. Get your journal out and write about how frustrated you are. Write it all out. That will make you feel much better, I promise. And if you are looking for a journal, I have a few in my new SWCL shop!

2) Call a friend who gets it. This might be another military spouse who can understand your frustration or a nonmilitary spouse friend who has experienced something similar. Disappointment sucks, so find a friend who gets how frustrating this can be and someone you feel comfortable venting to. They might even be able to help you with #3.

3) Make a plan. This will be based on what the canceled activity or event is. Sometimes when the military changes things we have to restructure everything, other times we just have to make a few calls to make it work. But you will need to make a plan. Once you do, you will see that things are not as bad as they seem.

4) Reschedule, if you can. In some cases, you can reschedule whatever was canceled. Although you might have to wait a bit to do so. If you had to cancel a trip, think about when you could reschedule it. If you had to cancel an appointment, see when their next available one is. Try to remind yourself that you will get to do the thing you want to do, even if it is later than you thought it would be. Our June 2020 vacation was canceled because of military duties, but we took the trip in March of 2021 and had a great time.

I hate it when the military cancels our plans, even worse when there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it. A date change, an orders change, or any other change is enough to drive me crazy. I know I am not supposed to write my plans in pen, but I really can’t help it sometimes.

In military life, you have to always hope for the best, plan for the worst, and that isn’t always easy to do. I still struggle in how to balance planning a trip or other event with the fact that at anytime the military could cancel our plans. But, these tips really help me get to a better place, and to be able to have a more balanced life.

What are your best tips for dealing with when the military cancels your plans???

9 Reasons Why Being A Military Spouse Is Amazing

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9 Reasons Why Being A Military Spouse Is Amazing

Growing up, I didn’t think a whole lot about if the person I married in the future would be in the Military or not. I was aware of the Military. My Grandparents had served, my Dad was in the Air Force before he met my mom. My mom even taught at a DOD school in Germany. I just never thought that would necessarily be something in my future.

I met my husband who had been in the Army before I had met him. I thought that was his past, not my future. Life is funny and about three years after we were married he re-enlisted and my life as a Military Spouse began.

Over the years, there have been plenty of difficult moments. Some days I wanted to pull my hair out and scream and cry about how hard Military life was. But overall, being a Military Spouse is pretty amazing and this is why:

1. You Meet Amazing People

During your time as a Military spouse, you will meet a lot of different people from all over the place. You will meet someone born and raised in Germany, in Korea, in Hawaii or anywhere else outside of where you grew up and they will become your closest friend. You might meet someone famous, you might meet someone political. There are so many opportunities to meet people when you are a Military spouse.

2. You Can Live in Amazing Places

Germany, Japan, Hawaii, Alaska, Colorado, Belgium, South Korea, Guam and Washington DC are just some of the amazing places you might get to live if you are a Military family. Going OCONUS or even living in a different part of the US can be such a great experience. You get to see parts of the world you never thought you would get to. It’s amazing!

3. You Can Learn a lot About Yourself

Being alone sometimes, having to make new friends more often than others do, having to adjust and be flexible are all a part of Military life. Through these experiences you can learn more about yourself and who you are as a person.

4. You Become More Independent

As a Military spouse, you have to become more independent. You have no choice. You will have to take care of finances, of the children, of the home. You will have to make choices that most couples make together. It feels so overwhelming sometimes but it forces you to become more independent which is a good thing. You can find a sisterhood

5. You Can Find Your Community

There is something about the Military community. Once you join it, you will always be apart of it. You will meet Military spouses in other places and feel like you have something in common. You will have friends all over the country that you can connect with.

One friend will move away and there is always the chance that another friend will move close to you again. Military spouses understand what the Military life is all about and can support each other, both online and offline. You never have to feel alone. You understand sacrifice

6. You Understand Sacrifice

Sacrifice can come in different forms but as a Military spouse, you will feel it. Your service member will miss out on important events like a birth or even a move. You will feel it then.

You will feel it when you say goodbye to them for a deployment and know they will miss your oldest child’s first day of Kindergarten. You will feel it when you can’t take them with you when you go home for Christmas. You will feel it if they come home injured or if they don’t come home at all. There is no way around sacrifice is you are a Military spouse.

7. You Will Grow as a Person Through the Good and the Bad

There is no double that life as a Military wife will change you. No matter what you go through, the good, the bad, the easy, the hard, you will change and grow as a person and that is always a good thing. Life will never stay the same as Military life is always full of changes.

8. You Will Never Look at Memorial Day the Same Way Again

Before Military life, I knew about Memorial Day but it changed a lot when I became an Army wife. I knew people who lost their husbands. I knew that what my husband did was dangerous. I knew what could happen. That changed Memorial Day from a day to honor other people to honoring people I knew. I will never look at that day the way I did before. I can’t. I have seen too much.

9. Your Kids Will Understand What it Means to Serve Your Country

There is no better way for a child to understand what it means to serve their country than to have a parent in the Military. They will grow up with knowing what that really means. There are many different ways someone can serve their country and growing up in the Military can help your children understand what it means to do so. Life isn’t always easy for a Military child but they will learn a lot and that is a good thing.

Why do you think being a Military Spouse is amazing? What would you add to this list???

The Truth About Valentine’s Day When You Are a Military Spouse

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The Truth About Valentine's Day When You Are a Military Spouse

Flowers, chocolate, candy hearts, and expectations. It sounds like another Valentine’s Day is around the corner, but when you are a military spouse, this holiday probably isn’t going to be as exciting as it could be…


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For one thing, your spouse might be gone. They might be deployed, across the ocean. So you are not even going to see your spouse on the 14th. And that being the case, ignoring the whole thing is pretty easy to do. You tell yourself it is just a made-up holiday anyway, who cares.


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But then, you are walking through Target and you see the chocolate, and you think, wouldn’t it be nice to get some chocolate this year? If nothing else, just some chocolate? Because if you are going to be alone for Valentine’s Day, you might as well have chocolate, right?


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So you buy yourself a box and decide that no matter what, you are going to have a good February 14th, you are going to have a good Valentine’s Day. Once you get home you remember you were going to send a Valentine’s Day care package to your husband, only it is already February 10th so it is going to be a little late. And you wonder if he will even care really. Sure, he loves to get a package from you but does it need to be a Valentine’s Day care package?


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Ya, you think, maybe I will just wait until after Valentine’s Day, buy him some 50% off chocolate and send that instead. But then, I have my kids to think about. And the fact that they need Valentines for their classes, guess you are going back to Target to pick some out. In a perfect world, you would get on Pinterest, pick out a cute idea and get to work but Marvel, Barbie, and those addictive candy hearts are going to have to sponsor Valentine’s Day this year.


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And then it is Valentine’s Day, and since your spouse is off making our nation a better place, you have to decide how you are going to spend the day. The kids are armed with Valentines for their classmates, you also got them a couple of things because in the end, Valentine’s Day is about love and you do love your children. You decide to get one of those heart pizzas for dinner because your kids will get a kick out of it and hey, it’s pizza.


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So you finish dinner, the kids loved the heart-shaped pizza and hey, you didn’t have to cook so that was a win. After the kids go to bed you dig into your chocolate hoping that your husband will get online and at least wish you a happy Valentine’s Day. So you put on a cheezy romance of some kind and wait with your chocolate, you know the chocolate you bought to have on this day.


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And as you wait you just tell yourself that next year he will be home and you will go big. You will get a babysitter and hit the town. It’s just this year that kinda sucks. But then you remember last year when he was home, and you pretty much did the same thing as you are doing this year because you have kids and you are on a budget and really, Valentine’s Day isn’t such a big deal anyway.


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And right before you go to bed, he gets online and you say your “Happy Valentine’s Day” to each other. You smile because you are happy to be married to this guy and no that no matter how many Valentine’s Days he has to miss, you will always love him. And you know that there will always be plenty of chocolate to get through anything you two have to endure during his military career.


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When Your Spouse Wants To Re-Enlist in the Military and You Don’t Want Them To

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It’s almost time for your spouse to re-enlist, decisions have to be made, and you feel like it is time to walk away from military life. However, your spouse does not agree and would love to do 20+ years in the military.

What should you do?

What can you do?

Is it even fair to them to say you don’t want them to re-enlist?

Breathe

First of all, take a breath. This is a big decision and not a simple one, and while this is your spouse’s career, you both need to be involved in planning your joint future. What you decide will affect you the spouse, and your children or any future children you might have. The decision to re-enlist in the military shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Ask yourself why

Ask yourself why you don’t want them to re-enlist. Break it down. Is it the solo parenting? Is it the up and downs of military life? Is it because you want to focus on your career and that is hard to do so with a spouse in the military?

Figuring out why you don’t want them to re-enlist is important. Make sure to talk this all over with your spouse. Let them know what you are afraid of. Let them know why you want to walk away.

Can you compromise? 

Can they re-enlist for three more years with the plan to re-evaluate at that time? No one signs up for 20 years at a time. Can you make a plan that he will serve for a certain amount of time, and then you will go back to school? Can you agree to try to be stationed close to home if possible?

Sometimes you have to suck it up

At the end of the day, sometimes you just have to suck it up. What people in this type of situation do is going to be different for each couple, for each person. There are different reasons why people want to walk away from military life, and only the couple can decide if they are worth giving up a military dream.

For some couples, this means the spouse will have to work out how they will handle more years of military life. For others, it means the service member will need to find another way to pursue their career goals. There isn’t one hard and fast rule for every couple.

If you find that you and your spouse are arguing about this and can’t seem to come to a good conclusion, it can be a good idea to seek extra help. Any marriage is going to have times when a decision has to be made about the future, and the couple isn’t always going to agree right away. Communication is so very important here, as well as keeping everyone’s feelings and desires in mind.

What To Do When Your Spouse Wants To Re-Enlist And You Don't Want Them To

There are situations when a couple can not agree on this, and sometimes a marriage will end over it. Other times, there will be a lot of hurt and frustration on both sides. A service member who doesn’t feel supported by their spouse, a military spouse that doesn’t feel like their spouse understands why they can’t do this anymore. Those situations can be so difficult and are never easy to navigate.

While I can’t tell you what to do in your own marriage, I can help with dealing with the frustrations of military life. Life as a military spouse isn’t easy, and you have to work hard to figure out ways to make it through.

This doesn’t make you weak but allows you to be strong.

What has worked for you when you have felt like you just wanted your spouse to get out of the military? What are your best tips for someone who is dealing with all of this?

To My Military Spouse Friends, You Are The Best

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As a new Army wife, I didn’t know a whole lot about the military lifestyle. Sure, I knew the basics, but standing at our first duty station in Schweinfurt, Germany, I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. I can remember standing there, watching a group of soldiers going by, and knowing everything had changed for us.

I was lucky though. Within those first months of being an Army wife in Germany, I found friends. I found other spouses who not only knew what military life was like but going through the same thing I was. We were all getting ready for a deployment, a first deployment for many of us and we knew we could do it together.

I honestly am not sure what I would have done or how I could have gotten through that deployment without my military spouse friends.

Although things were not always perfect, and there was drama, of course, there was drama, having people to go through a deployment with helped us all make it through what would turn out to be one of the longest and hardest deployments.

Over the years, I have made friends at every step of the way. From my best friend in Germany to my current circle here at Fort Campbell. From military spouse bloggers to some of the amazing people I have met through my blogging in all parts of the world.

In MOPS this last year I was able to speak about 3 am friends. You know the ones. The people you could call at 3 am when life was falling apart. The people you could depend on during your most difficult times. The people who made this lifestyle so much better.

I am so thankful for the 3 am friends I have made over the years. Knowing you have someone to call when you might need something, knowing you have that person, it’s an amazing feeling and helps so much living this military lifestyle. From a friend who watched my two-year-old while I was in the hospital with my 2-month-old, to my friend that always let me vent about how frustrated I was that my husband kept getting deployed.

So to my military spouse friends, you are the best.

You are the ones who have made deployments go by that much faster. From making plans together to being able to vent about not being able to talk to our husbands. From having our kids play together to helping each other out with childcare.

You are the ones who let me know that I can, in fact, get through what I need to get through. Your strength inspires me. When I feel weak, you can make me feel strong again and that I can handle whatever this life throws my way.

You have made me laugh when things were crazy, and let me cry when life got too hard. And I hope in return I have done the same when you needed that pick me up. We, military spouses, can help one another out, even in the darkest of times.

To My Military Spouse Friends, You Are The Best

So, to my military spouse friends, thank you.

Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for your friendship and your love. Thank you for caring, and thank you for always being there.

Many years from now, when military life is over, I will look back and think of all of you. Of all the fun memories we made, of all the struggles we got through together, of the different dreams and talks and experiences we had.

How have you made friends along your military spouse journey? 

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

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Have you ever planned a vacation only to have to cancel or reschedule it because military dates changed?

Have you ever given birth when your husband was deployed because they simply wouldn’t send him home like you thought they might?

Have you ever wanted to be stationed close to home only for your spouse to get orders clear across the country?

Most military spouses have been through one or all of these disappointments not to mention others that can happen when you are a military spouse. Dates change, your spouse can’t always be around when you need them, and you don’t always get a choice in where you are going to live.

What can you do when disappointment hits? How can you turn things around to get to a better place? 

Shock

When met with disappointing news, you will probably be in shock. They say to “hope for the best, plan for the worst” and we know things might not work out the way we want them to, but we still hope that they do. And then when they don’t? We can’t believe we are hearing that news.

If you feel shocked when you realize things are not going to be the way you want them to be, you are not alone. It’s normal to feel this way at first. You had the hope of a better outcome, and now you have to start to accept your new reality, and that isn’t always easy to do.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

Sadness

After shock comes the sadness. You are going to have to move to Alaska even though your family lives in FL. Your husband is going to deploy right before your 30th birthday. Your family trip to Walt Disney World will have to be postponed by six months.

You might need to take a moment to cry into your pillow. You are allowed to be sad about this; you are allowed to have those emotions. Let things out, call a friend and vent, have a good cry, and then move on to planning.

Planning

Every time I get some disappointing news because of my husband’s job, I eventually find myself coming up with a plan. I know that I will need to be creative to move forward. I will need to figure out a way to get through whatever it is I am dealing with.

If it is a matter of an unexpected deployment, I try to figure out what I can do during that deployment to stay as busy as I can, I think about how the deployment pay can help us, and I think about extra things I can do that I might not have time for if he wasn’t going to be deployed.

Being able to have a plan to deal with the disappointment will go a very long way in finding relief.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

Relief

Relief happens when you get to a place where you feel like you can figure out a way forward. It might not always be easy, you might not always be happy about what happened, but you can figure out how to get through it.

If you assumed your husband would be at the birth of your first child and they are not, you are going to go through a wave of emotions about it. You will eventually figure out who you want with you because he can’t be. And then you will start to accept that this has to be your new normal. And with that comes the relief that you can, in fact, give birth without your husband. 

You Got This

Remember, you got this. Reach out to your friends, make plans, and figure out how to deal with disappointment in your military life.

Disappointments will happen in military life. They say to write all plans in pencil because all plans can change, no matter how close you are to the date they are supposed to happen. We as military spouse want to support our service members and getting to a place where we can move forward is a good way to do so.

What do you do to get over disappointment during military life?

The Secret to Not Hating Your Duty Station

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Have you ever lived in an amazing place and still hated being there? Maybe it was Hawaii? Or Europe? Maybe it was a place you thought you would love but now that you have been there a few years, you really can’t find the love? Maybe you are trying to bloom where you are stationed but coming up short?

Hating your duty station is a thing, and some places get a worse wrap than others. On the other hand, I know plenty of people who have been stationed at places like Fort Polk, Fort Bliss, and 29 Palms and loved their time there. Yes, they did.

So why do some people hate a perfectly decent duty station and why do others love the more unpopular places? I have a theory on this. I know the secret to not hating your duty station. It is part of the reason why sometimes I love living near Fort Campbell and sometimes I don’t. It is why some people love Bliss, and others hate Germany.

The secret to loving your duty station is finding your people.

Sure, there are always exceptions to this. You grew up in Florida, you hate the snow, and now you are at Fort Drum. Your entire family lives on the East Coast, and you are in Alaska for three years. Your house sucks, and your husband has been deployed way too many times since you got to this duty station.

But even in those situations, finding your people will help you.

Having a friend group is going to change things around for you. Having people to connect with, hang out with, and to call friends is going to make you fall in love with almost any duty station, no matter how much you hate the weather.

The Secret to Not Hating Your Duty Station

Think about it.

You PCS somewhere new. You are not sure what to think. You never even thought you would live in that state let alone this part of the country. You feel lost, like you will never fit in.

You worry you won’t find your tribe. That you won’t find people, who get you. That you will have to do this by yourself, all by yourself.

But then, you meet another spouse who loves to read just like you do. And she has a two-year-old too. Maybe you don’t have any kids but you have three dogs, and you find out your neighbor has three of her own. You get invited to a playdate and realize that you may have found your people. You have figured it out. Things are looking up.

When you connect with others, when you have people to make plans with, when you do not have to walk this military road alone, something happens. You start to feel better, you start to feel like you belong, you realize that no matter how much you didn’t want to come to Fort Whatever You Now Live, you can start to call that place home.

The hardest part about finding your people is taking the steps to find them.

Because sometimes that can take a while. Sometimes the first people you meet are not going to be your people. Sometimes giving up and trying to be okay without friends is the easiest thing to do.

But…this is not the best plan.

You need to find people. You just do. Your spouse is going to deploy eventually. And if they don’t they will probably have to go somewhere at some point.

The Secret to Not Hating Your Duty Station

You will want people to text in the middle of the day, to hang with. People who share the same fears you do, and can help you through your struggles.

So if you hate your duty station, before you write the place off, have you found your people yet?

If not, choose to try to do that. Commit to get out there and meet new people. Keeping trying until you do, the struggle with be worth it.

If you have children, look for a local MOPS group. MOPS stands for Mothers of Preschoolers. You don’t just have to have a preschooler though. A typical MOPS group is for newly pregnant women through women whose youngest child is in Kindergarten. MOPS Next is for those whose youngest child is in the 8th grade. They have childcare for your kids, and you will be able to meet other moms to connect with.

If you are religious, check out the chapel for programs. There are Bible studies, book clubs and even events for kids.

If you like fitness, look for a local work out or running group or join a gym and take some classes.

If you like to read, look for a book club.

If you are new to your duty station, check out the newcomers class, you might meet some new people there.

If you have free time, check out the volunteer opportunities on post as well as in your civilian communities.

If you want to connect with military spouses in the FRG, go to a meeting, see what is going on there. You could end up with a great FRG that would be a fantastic resource for you.

If you have school-aged children, get involved in the PTO or PTA.

If you don’t have children, see if there is a child-free Facebook group at your duty station you can find people to connect with.

There are so many different ways to meet other people no matter where you live. Sometimes duty stations in the middle of nowhere make finding other people easier than in bigger places. You have to depend on each other more, and the community is a closer-knit one.

While meeting new people, you might run into drama and frustrating situations that will make you want to stick to your own home, but don’t let that stop you from finding your people. You need them and trust me, not everyone is awful, even if it feels like it sometimes.

Change things up, go to new places, join a new job, and keep trying because once you figure out the secret of not hating your duty station, you might just fall in love with the place.