Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military Life

You Sent Them To War, Don’t Cut Our Benefits

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Military cuts are in the news these days and they sting when they hit close to home. Sometimes I get really angry about it. From my limited understanding and after being a military spouse for the last ten years it seems like there are other places they could cut. I wonder why they even go after programs that can help military families? We are the ones that are supporting our service member. We are the ones waiting back at home while they complete their mission. If you send them to war, why do you think it is okay to cut our benefits?

You Sent Them To War, Don't Cut Our Benefits

 

If it was up to me I would ensure that every military family has what they need. When it comes to the people I want to vote for, I look for those that want these things too. They are important to me as a military spouse and I think they are important to you too.

Good Medical Care

I know how hard it can be to find good and affordable health insurance but one of the benefits of being in the Military is that you do get healthcare for you and your family and for good reason. If you are off in a war zone, you want to know your family is going to be taken care of. The problem is, cuts always seem to come to Tricare and they hurt. Currently, they want to cut ABA. Not good. We used ABA for our son and we were so thankful for that care. I hate that people think they should be cutting those services. It’s also frustrating to hear when people have trouble getting help for their kids or care for themselves because of different cuts that have been happening. Military families should not have to worry about healthcare.

Good Schools

All military children should have access to good schools. Whether this means on post or off post. If the schools in the area around post are not a good place to send a child, there should be a way for parents to take their children to the on post schools.  I think parents should feel good about the schools their kids are able to go to. On post schools should be very aware of who their students are. Switching zoning around every year is simply not a good idea. Military kids move often anyway, why make them change schools in between a tour? I have heard stories of situations happening in on post schools and it doesn’t make a lot of sense why they are doing what they do. Our experience with off post schools has been good overall here but that isn’t always the case with military families. Having a lot of resources that can help military families find the right school is a good thing.

Good Support

Hearing that services like the MWR or ACS are being cut makes me sad. Military spouses and families need extra support, especially during deployments. We need access to events to pass the time, places to learn and childcare. That can help the spouse get through a challenging time as well as providing a place to make new friends.  While there are other ways to make friends and find support in the military community, it is a good thing to have these services for spouses and I hate to see them being cut because of lack of funds. This makes me think that those who are in charge of what is being cut have no idea what these services can do for military spouses.

Good Housing

All military families should be able to live in safe and affordable housing. It doesn’t have to be brand new or really big, it just needs to be safe and a good place for people to raise their families. Each family usually has a choice about if they want to live on post or off post. This is something to really think about. There are positives and negatives to both. The military does have some checks for finding places off post. Some rentals are blacklisted which is helpful for knowing who to stay away from when looking for a place to rent. There have been horror stories of on post living where people have gotten sick or have been put in run down housing that has not been taken care of. This is not okay. Military families should always have a comfortable place to live.

Military families

When I think of what our family has gone through and what other families have gone through I know that this military life is full of stressful situations. I know that sending someone to war is a challenging and emotional thing to have to do and that benefits make such a big difference to the morale of the families. I just hope that if the military does need to make cuts it will not be at the expense of the military family.

 

 

When Moving Back To The United States From Overseas Is Hard

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We have been back from Germany a little over six years now. It was quite the change to go from a small village in Germany to Clarksville, Tennessee and the USA. I was so ready to be back in the states after four years. I think I kissed the ground when I got off the plane. I was home.

When moving back to the US from overseas is hard

Being stationed overseas is a dream for a lot of people. A chance to see another part of the world, to explore and to open up to other ways of living. The military can send a family that has never been out of the midwest and allow them the chance of a lifetime. But hardly anyone can stay overseas forever. I have some friends that have been able to stay for five-ten years but most people do come back to the states and have to figure out American life again.

That first week back was like living in a dream. Nothing seemed real. Nothing was familiar. Everything was confusing and it took some time to get used to living back in the United States. I think it took about two years before I stopped asking if a certain place accepted a credit card. “Yes Julie, most places do.”

This can be a challenging time. Some people are able to bounce back rather quickly and others have difficulty doing so. If you are getting ready for a move back home from an overseas location, this is what you might experience:

The Culture

When you live overseas you learn to live in another culture. Even if you live on post and don’t explore as much as you should. It is still all around you. You get used to the slower pace, the way the people are, the things they value. You become a part of it as well. Then you move back and you realize how different it can really be. There is a thing called “reverse culture shock.” This is when you come back from another culture and have trouble getting used to the culture you were raised in. You can also struggle with missing certain things so much that you think they are better than they really are. Once you get home and have them again, there is a bit of a let down because you were expecting something a lot better.

pcs to germany

The Military Community

The military community overseas is very different from the military community stateside. Overseas is more tight-knit. It has to be. People are not going home on the weekends. It is hard to have a life outside of the military. You have to depend on the military for a lot of things like your mail, American food and even education for your children. If you live off-post in the states you don’t have to depend on the military for as much. If there is a deployment, the community really bands together to get through it. It is different in the states. When you move back you will feel that loss and it can be a hard one. You no longer have your community. The one that helped get you through your struggles, the one you had fun with and explored another country with, the one who understood what it was like to be so far from home. That is hard to get over and hard to get back into military life without as tight of a community.

Spending Money

In most places overseas you don’t have as many choices. When I visited California in 2009, I stopped at a grocery store on the way home from the airport. I needed to buy some diapers. I stood in that aisle for about 20 minutes because I had the hardest time with all the choices. Back in Germany, there were only a couple choices for diapers. In the grocery store I was in, there were, at least, ten, maybe more. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around what I was looking at. In the states, you have a lot more choices from where to shop to where to eat. It can feel so overwhelming and it is easy to overspend. You also lose your COLA which is your cost of living allowance that you get while stationed overseas. This can be hard for some families. They say not to depend on that money when you are getting it but most people do anyway.

Feeling too Busy

A lot of overseas living is much slower paced than in the states. Where we were in Bavaria most places were closed on Sundays and they had a lot of holidays. You were not even allowed to wash your car on Sundays. When we moved back to the states life felt so busy. There was always so much more going on. Some of that I think was because my son didn’t start Kindergarten until after we moved back but I think the other part was just how much more relaxed things can be in other places. This can take some time to get used to as well because it is just a different way to live your life. In Germany, if go out to eat you have to hunt down your server when you are ready to pay. In the states, most places want to rush you out as soon as they can. It is all very different.

stationed in germany

Coming back to the states from an overseas tour is going to be complicated. Give yourself some time to adjust. Try to remember that you will find your place even if it takes a while. We have been back for six years and although I miss parts of my time in Germany, I feel used to the US now. It took a while but we got to that point. I am used to living here again. And you will get there too.

Have you struggled coming back from an overseas tour? What was the hardest part for you?

Should You Ask Your Spouse To Get Out Of The Military?

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When it comes to re-enlisting the decision needs to be between the military member and their spouse. They need to talk about the pros and the cons and what life would be like if they stayed in or if they got out of the military.

Should You Ask Your Spouse To Get Out Of The Military?

Should you ask your spouse to get out of the military? Is that the right thing to do? What if you feel like you want military life to be over but they do not? What if they see 20 years and you can barely see how you will make it through the next 20 months until their ETS date?

The answer to this question is a complicated one. In some situations, yes you should and in others it is best to figure out tips to get through military life instead.

How do you know what you should do?

Communicate

The number one thing to do is communicate your feelings to your spouse. Let them know how you are feeling, why you feel the way you do and what you think you two should do when it comes to their military career. Ask your spouse questions about their career, their goals and where they see themselves five or ten years down the road. It’s possible that they want to leave the military too. Talking things out can put you two on the same page or can help you understand why you don’t see eye to eye.

Think of your family

Life after the military can be hard and stressful. Is your family ready for that? Do you bring in an income now? Will you be willing to work to bring in more income if they get out? Do you have kids that need the extra benefits you get from the military? Would it be better for them to have their Dad or Mom around all the time instead? There is a lot to think about when trying to decide on if your spouse should get out of the military and sometimes that doesn’t even depend on what you and your spouse are experiencing but it depends on what your family is going through and what they need.

Think of your emotional health

I used to think that everyone could make it through military life. That everyone could handle a deployment. But then we went through our 4th deployment and it almost broke me. It was something I had never felt before. I realized that although there is a lot you can do to make it through a difficult situation, sometimes it might be too hard to keep going. Sometimes you will need an extra level of help and sometimes that help is going to be having a spouse that is no longer in the military.

Think of their career

If you and your spouse decided they would join the military together or if you like us decided to give it three years and see what it happens, that is going to be a different situation then if you met your spouse in the middle of their military career or if the long term plan was to be in for at least twenty years. This doesn’t mean things won’t change but I think the situations are so different and do make a difference when it comes to whether your spouse will want to stay in or not. I have met some strong women who have stood by their husbands as military spouses for the last twenty or thirty years. I admire them and I wonder if that could have been me. If my husband really wanted to stay in the Army, if he really wanted to move forward with it, would I have been able to handle that? Or would I have had to ask him to get out and do something else.

Military life is hard. For some, it feels impossible. Regardless of how much their spouse wants this for a career, it might not be the best thing long term. If you are a spouse that is struggling, know that your feelings are valid. You have a lot to talk with your spouse about. You have some decisions to make together. I wish you good luck as you try to figure out how much the military will be a part of your futures.

Have you ever been in this situation where you felt like you wanted to ask your spouse to not re-enlist and get out of the military? How did you come to that decision?

3 Things That Will Bother You After Military Life Is Over

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3 Things That Will Bother You After Military Life Is Over

In June, it will be two years since my husband left Active Duty Army. He didn’t retire either. He was at 10 years and the day after he joined the National Guard.

After military life Is Over

They say that you miss things once military life is over. I will admit, I didn’t want to believe people when they said this. I knew we were staying in a military town so I knew I would still be able to make friends with others living the military life. I knew that I would still have access to post because of where we lived and our National Guard status. I knew we would still have Tricare and that some of our medical services would not change even if we had to pay for them. I knew all of this and yet at almost two years there are things I miss about active duty life.

Because of where we live most of my friends are married to people in the active duty army. They are living that life. The life we are no longer living. They might live near me and their kids go to the same school mine do but they are in a different part of the military world than I am. They remind me of what I miss.

As I thought about writing this post there were three things that bother me now that active duty life is over:

  • The paycheck– Yes, we miss the paycheck. When you get out of the military as an Infantryman there are only so many things you can do. Even if you do find a job paying exactly the same amount as you did in the military, it is still less then. Why? Because you get taxed on your whole paycheck. In the military, you do not get taxed on your BAH or BAS. You don’t get taxed on deployed income and in some states you don’t have to pay state taxes. Luckily we live in TN so we don’t worry about that here either way. This is something I never saw talked about before we got out but it is something to think about when your spouse is looking for what they will do after the military.
  • Tricare- If your first experience with health care was Tricare, you might not realize how hard it can be to find affordable health care out there in the world. Even if your employer provides it. For us, we have Tricare Reserve Select and pay about $300 a month for our family for Medical and Dental. This was a change from having Tricare Prime for the last ten years. Luckily we have not had any big medical issues since he got out but I am sure we would be paying more out of pocket if we did. Tricare has a lot of issues and can be very frustrating at times but I am going to miss having Tricare when my husband leaves the National Guard. Health insurance is a great benefit that the military receives and deserves so when active duty life is over it can be a challenge to find something else that works.
  • PCS dreams. This feels a bit silly but I miss the dreaming about where we can PCS to next. Yes, it is true you can move anywhere if you are not in the military but that isn’t always easy to do. In military life, you get to live many different places. Sometimes you are happy about those places and sometimes you are not. I will admit that it scares me to think about moving to a place that is not a military community. Where people don’t move all the time, where people have never served and where people don’t get what it is like to go through a deployment.  I also think having to say goodbye to people all the time is difficult and I find myself wishing we could go with them. At the end of the day, I know we have a good long term plan and there are quite a few previous military in our area as well as non-military families too. It’s a good place for now.

Getting out of the military can bring up a lot of emotions for both the military member and their spouse. There is a lot to think about and there is a lot you are going to have to go through before you get to a good place.

Has your spouse left the military? What was the hardest part about it for you?

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Why You Should or Shouldn’t Move Home During a Deployment

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Should you move home during a deployment?

Your spouse has just received orders for a nine-month deployment. You have a 20-month-old and you are six weeks pregnant with your second child. You just moved to your duty station and don’t have very many friends around. What should you do? Go home? That might be a smart choice.

Sometimes spouses do go home for a deployment. They either move out of their current housing or just plan to leave it for a while. They move back in with their parents for the deployment. There are plenty of benefits to this but also some reasons why you shouldn’t.

So, why should you move home during a deployment?

  • For extra family support. If you move home, you will not be alone. You will most likely be living with other adults and they can help you and your children. They can be there for you on the harder days and help keep you busy. Being with family during deployment can make the time pass by quickly.
  • For familiarity. Being home again can feel like a comfortable blanket. You know where everything is. You know what you can do for fun and you can take your kids around to all the places you used to visit when you lived there. You can see friends you have known for a long time and it can be a great place to spend the months that your spouse is going to be away.
  • For safety reasons. Living alone can be scary, even if you live in a nice neighborhood. Staying with family can make you feel safer while your spouse is gone. You don’t have to worry about being in a home all by yourself. Being in a home with other people can take away that fear. There is enough to be afraid of during deployments that your home shouldn’t be one of those fears.

Moving home isn’t an option for everyone. Some spouses do not have family to go home to or don’t want to be with them for the deployment. Others find the military community so great of an asset that they can’t see leaving it. During our second deployment, I took my two boys and we stayed with my parents for about three months over the summer. This was mostly because I wanted a break from Germany and it helped speed up the deployment. We had a great time having fun in Southern California and it was great to spend so much time with my parents especially since we lived so far away from them.

Here is why you shouldn’t move home during a deployment:

  • Loss of military community. Unless home is in a military community too, you will lose access to it during the deployment which is the time you need it most. You won’t be able to attend FRG meetings or meet up with other spouses who are going through a deployment. You might start feeling very disconnected to the whole thing yet still feel the sadness of the deployment. This can be hard for some people.
  • Housing. Sometimes if you leave your housing for too long you can lose it. You might not be able to come back to the same home. You might have to go back on a waiting list or find a new house after he gets back from deployment. If your kids are in school you might have to take them out if you are not homeschooling. It can be tricky to uproot your kids more often than you need to.
  • Not bonding with other spouses. There is something that happens when you go through a deployment with someone else. You bond in a way that you can’t bond with other people. If you are not living in the community it will be hard for you to meet other spouses and bond with them. This might mean that you give up a great opportunity to start friendships that will last forever.

There is no one right answer to the question about if you should go home for a deployment or not. Some people do and have a great experience, others regret it. You have to decide what is best for you and your own family.

Have you gone home for a deployment? For a long visit or for the whole time? How did it work out for you?

When You Have Special Needs Kids With A Spouse In The Military

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Having special needs kids adds an extra level of stress and hardship to a family. It simply isn’t easy when you have kids that require a little bit more help than others. Add military life onto that and sometimes it can feel like too much.

When You Have Special Needs Kids With A Spouse In The Military

We didn’t know we had special needs kids when my husband joined the military in 2005. Our son was 13 months old and it wasn’t until he was about 2.5 year’s old that he was diagnosed as developmentally delayed. We were in Germany at the time and my husband was deployed.

Our 2nd little boy was diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of five in 2012. We were at Ft. Campbell when this happened.

I am not sure what we would have done if we had known we would have two special needs kids during our time as a military family. Would we have decided it would have been too stressful? Would the benefits we knew we would receive cause us to join anyway? It’s so hard to say.

Over the years I have experienced what it is like to solo parent with special needs kids, to have to figure out who can watch my son when I don’t have family close by and how to make it through the unpredictability of this type of life with kids who don’t quite understand what is going on. It’s difficult and even though my husband is not active duty anymore, I am still trying to figure it all out.

When you do have special needs kids in the military, you need a good support system.

You will need people in your life you can call and depend on. Some days will be very difficult and knowing you have someone to call, even to just talk to is a must. If you don’t know anyone local, find someone you are close to that doesn’t mind a phone call every now and then. Just talking to someone who loves you and your children can help you get through a difficult period. Stay away from people who are just going to judge you. They are not worth your time and you shouldn’t spend too much energy worrying about what they are doing.

When you are married to someone in the military, there will be times that you have to be a solo parent, special needs or not.

It is so important that you take care of yourself during this time. Look and see what they have in your community or what you can do to help yourself. It might not be an easy thing to do and each person is going to have to figure it out but is so important. Even if it means taking a bubble bath after all the children are asleep, or binge watching a tv show or going to get coffee with a friend when everyone is at school. Find something to help you focus on yourself, even if it is just for ten minutes a day. You are a caregiver and all caregivers need breaks now and then.

You also need to make sure you are receiving the right benefits for your child. I was so thankful that when my son was first diagnosed with Asperger’s that we were able to start ABA therapy right away. This is a very expensive therapy but luckily Tricare paid for most of it. You need to be aware of changes with health care for your special needs child. They don’t always cover everything you need and sometimes you will have to fight for it. Sadly, some military benefits get taken away and that can hurt your special needs child.

Find other moms of special needs kids to connect with, either in person or online.

Being able to talk with others trying to raise their special needs kids in the military lifestyle is going to be good for you. You can vent together and help each other out. Some people know more than you do about the hurdles you might have to jump over in order to get what your child needs. EFMP, ABA, IEP, 504, etc, there are so many terms that are hard to understand. Talking to others who have been through it can help you understand more about the special needs military world and can become your support system.

Don’t let having special needs kids scare you if you are also a military spouse. Know that you are not alone and there is help out there for you. Know that you will have challenges but you can make it, one day at a time if you have to. Don’t forget about your own needs and find some good friends to support you.

Have you struggled having special needs children while having a spouse in the military? What have you done to make things easier for your family?

 

 

 

The Red Door Inn Book Review

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The Red Door Inn by Liz Johnson

The Red Door Inn Book Review

Have you heard of Liz Johnson? She is an author that writes inspirational romance and I have been able to review a few of her books in the past. A Promise to Protect and Vanishing Act. This past week she just came out with her latest book, The Red Door Inn.

From Amazon…

Marie Carrington is broke, desperate, and hoping to find sanctuary on Prince Edward Island while decorating a renovated bed-and-breakfast. Seth Sloane moved three thousand miles to help restore his uncle’s Victorian B and B–and to forget about the fiancée who broke his heart. He wasn’t expecting to have to babysit a woman with a taste for expensive antiques and a bewildering habit of jumping every time he brushes past her.

The only thing Marie and Seth agree on is that getting the Red Door Inn ready to open in just two months will take everything they’ve got–and they have to find a way to work together. In the process, they may find something infinitely sweeter than they ever imagined on this island of dreams.

I have always had a thing for Prince Edward Island. I loved the show Road to Avonlea and decided I needed to go there someday. So when I heard that Liz Johnson’s newest book was going to take place there, I knew I had to read it.

The book was a great story with a great setting. I could picture myself there on the island. Standing in front of the Red Door Inn. I enjoyed reading about Marie, Seth and Jack. They were each different and dealing with their own struggles.

The book was more than just a love story but a story about trusting others and finding hope after something bad has happened to you. If you are a fan of inspirational fiction or just love a good story, you will enjoy this book.

You can purchase the Red Door Inn on Amazon and enter to win a copy on Goodreads 🙂

  • I was provided a free book for review and this post does contain affiliate links! 

10 Reasons Why I Love Being A Milspouse Blogger

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We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men. ~Herman Melville

10 Reasons Why I Love Being A Milspouse Blogger

It wasn’t until 2009 that I realized that there was a Milspouse blogging community. Although I had joined an online forum for Military spouses when my husband joined in 2005, I didn’t realize that there were so many amazing spouses out there writing about the same type of experiences I was having. It was refreshing to see. I started my blog and soon found others and it grew from there.

After six years as a Milspouse blogger, there is a lot to love about being a part of this community. I have seen it grow over the years and I feel like it is in a very good place these days. There are a lot of talented spouses out there that have a blog that you can read and connect with.

Here are 10 reasons why I love being a Milspouse Blogger…

  1. I can get my thoughts out. One of the reasons I decided to start a Military Spouse blog was because I wanted a place to share my thoughts with others. Blogging is the best way to do that. I can write and share with people who can understand what I am trying to say.
  2. I can connect with others spouses in all branches of the Military. We live in a city with an Army post so most of the Military spouse friends I make here have spouses in the Army. It is the Milspouse blogging world that allows me to get to know other spouses whose husband represents a different branch. They help me understand the differences between the branches and helps me see that we are all spouses of someone in the Military and go through a lot of the same situations, even if we call them different names.
  3. I can share my photos. Photography is a passion of mine. By being a blogger I have a place to share some of the photos whether it is on my blog or through social media. I love being able to share the pictures I have taken over the years of all the places we have been and have lived.
  4. I can help other people not feel as alone. I love to hear when people can connect to my writing and have been in the same place. It helps me know that I am helping other people with my words. That the difficult situations I have been through can help someone else get through their own struggles.
  5. I can work from home. Blogging and the opportunities I have gained from it allow me to work from home. I can be there for my boys when they need me to be, we don’t have to pay for daycare and I can have a career that works for me.
  6. I don’t feel as alone. When I am reading blog posts from others and can relate to what they are saying, it allows me to not feel as alone. Whether it is a post about missing my spouse or what to do after Army life is over, it is nice to hear what other people have to say about similar situations that I have been through too.
  7. I learn something new every day. Whether it is a tip about blogging or something to do with Military life, I feel like other bloggers and the Military blogging community is always teaching me something new. This is a good thing and it is a great way to grow as a person and as a blogger.
  8. The Military becomes a smaller world. Because I have met people through blogging who have been stationed all over the world, the Military family seems a bit smaller. I can gain perspectives on different experiences even though I have never lived them myself.
  9. It gives me a place to create. Sometimes I get these ideas in my head. My blog is a place to create and figure out different ways of doing things. I always have some idea going on in my head, my blog gives me a place to put it somewhere. Even if I don’t hit publish on everything I do.
  10. I am more aware of what is going on in Military news. When something comes out in the news about the Military, the Military blogging community is always talking about it. By being in this community, I feel like I never miss out on any of it. Always a good thing to be aware of what is going on in your own community.

Are you in the Milspouse blogger too? What is your link? I would love to check it out.