Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military Life

The Reality of Solo Parenting

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The Reality of Solo Parenting

You know that your spouse will have to be away from you when they join the Military. You know that you will have to be alone with the kids. However, nothing can ever prepare you for what solo parenting will be like, how you will be able to handle the time away from your spouse and how hard it will be when they have to leave for months at a time.

The reality of solo parenting is that it will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

November 2005. That was the first time I was ever a solo parent. My son was 13 months old and my husband left for Germany. Assuming we would join him within a couple of months. Up until that time my husband had been there for everything. Every. Single. Thing. He worked a job where he left the house about 8:30 and was home about 6:30. He had the weekends off. Up until that time, the only days we had been apart were when I took my son down to my parent’s house for about a week.

But November 2005, all that changed when he joined the Army. I wasn’t naive and I knew I would have to be a solo parent. I knew he would be away sometimes.

I knew I would have to do it alone. However, I had no idea how hard that would really be.

I assumed it would be a bit easier than it has been. I was a babysitter for years, I knew how to handle children, right? Sure, I would have to do more but I could handle it, right? I would just have to find a good routine and we would be good, it would be like he wasn’t even gone. Right?

Wrong. That’s not how it went. Not for me anyways. We had adventures, we had good days filled with happy times with friends but at the end of the day it was me, solo with the kids. Me, doing everything that most households split.

Me, in charge, all day and all night.

It was me, pregnant me and a two-year-old. It was me, with a newborn and a husband in a war zone. It was me, trying to plan the days and the nights and weekends alone. It was me, trying to get through everything that I had to because my husband was a soldier. It was me who depended on friends and others because my own family was so far away.

The reality of solo parenting is that it is difficult and some days it does not feel like you will make it through. Other days will make you feel like you are failing this whole parenting thing. There is simply not enough patience or energy to do it all, there just isn’t. I have spent plenty of nights crying myself to sleep over everything. The exhaustion and the worry and the helplessness.

When you solo parent you end up becoming a different type of parent then you would be otherwise.

You don’t worry about certain things and you overstress about others. Like how much your kids are missing their father and if that will hurt them down the road. You might let them stay up a little too late or order pizza too many times.

The good thing about solo parenting in a military community is that other people get it. They understand and they have been there too. Other people can relate and know how difficult it can be to have to be mom and dad to your kids each and everyday.

For me personally, my solo parenting days are coming to an end. This makes me very happy. Although my children are older now and we are almost at the teen years, I am glad I don’t have to do them alone. I know that there are some that spend 20+ years in this life and they are able to do it with grace. Had that been my road, I am not sure if I could have handled it but who really knows? You never know how strong you really are until your faced with having to be as strong as possible.

I hope that what I have learned as a solo parent over the last 11 years can help me encourage others. I have been through it with babies, toddlers, preschoolers, school aged children and now a tween. Each stage comes with its own set of challenges. Each year was different. And when my husband has been home and we have been a two parent household, life got a little easier. I hung onto those times through the months of separation that left me as the only parent in the home.

My best advice is to take it one day at time, one hour at a time if you need to. Make plans, stay busy and find friends who get it. Know that you are not alone and that you won’t always be in this particular situation. Life goes on, children grow and things change. Be as strong as you can be and don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.

Military Life

Are you in a season of solo parenting? What is the hardest part about it for you?

10 Tips For A Better Military Marriage

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10 Tips For A Better Military Marriage

Marriage can be hard, especially when your spouse is never home. I have been there. Military life is difficult and you need all the help you can get to help figure out the best tips for a better Military marriage.

Here are 10 tips I have to share about how to have a better Military marriage.

My husband has been in the Military in some form for the last ten years. We have three children, he has been deployed four times, we have moved about six times and have lived in five different cities.

Being in a Military marriage can add an extra level of stress to a marriage. Not all Military marriages make it through, but a lot of them do. There are a lot of great love stories between someone in the Military and their spouse. Military marriage is never perfect, what marriage is? But they do take a lot of work.

Here are some tips for a better Military marriage…

  • Be there for each other- This is the #1 thing you can do. Just be there. Over the course of your marriage, each of you will need each other in different ways. Checking in with one another is a great way to learn what is going on with your spouse and figuring out what they need from you at the moment.
  • Don’t assume anything- Assuming will get you into trouble. If you are not sure about something, just ask. This is your spouse, you should feel comfortable doing so. This is why communicating is so important. I think a lot of our struggles over the years have come from assuming different things about each other. The more we talk about how we are feeling about what is going on in our lives, the better we can move forward.
  • Don’t get jealous- This is hard, especially if your spouse is gone a lot. Other people get to be in the same place as your spouse and you don’t get to be. Try not to let it bother you. Talk things out if something doesn’t seem right. Remember, they are married to you and that is who they will be coming home to as soon as it is possible to do so.
  • Put yourself in their shoes- This is always a good thing to do. You never know what someone is going through or if you would act the same way if you were in their shoes. When your husband is deployed, try to imagine what it would be like to be him. To have to leave home for so long, trusting you with his home, his children and even his finances. It is a strange thing to think about sometimes.
  • Remember to trust– I really believe that in order to get through a deployment you need to have a lot of trust. I see it as this invisible thread that connects you. You just have to trust your spouse even when they are across the world. Without that trust, everything falls apart.
  • Talk things out- If you are angry with your spouse, talk it out. Stay up all night if you have to. I am not going to tell you to never go to bed angry because sometimes that happens, especially if you are only talking on a phone and someone has to go. Sometimes sleeping on an issue is a good idea. It just depends on the situation.
  • Hold hands- Keep holding hands, kiss often, give each other hugs. Doing this will bring your closer and remind you of when you first met. It’s a simple way to show your spouse you are still in it with them.
  • Date- Regular dates with your spouse are a great idea but they are not always possible. Sometimes they are just gone too much or working all the time. Other times you have small children and finding a babysitter feels impossible. Do what you can to date your spouse. Make a lunch date while kids are in school, plan a nice dinner after the kids go to bed, go on a walk with your baby in a stroller. Think about the different ways you can have a date even if it isn’t on a regular basis.
  • Tell them you love them- Don’t ever stop telling your spouse that you love them. Say it before you hang up the phone and before you go to bed each night. Write them a love letter. Speak their love language so they always know that you care.
  • Be silly with each other- Laugh, flirt, be silly when you can. There is something about laughing together with my husband after all these years that I just love.

When you are married to someone in the Military, it might be a bit harder to stay connected when they are away but that doesn’t mean your marriage will fall apart. If both of you can work on your marriage, if you can trust each other, you can get through anything Military life throws at you.

What would you add to this list for a better Military marriage?

Why You Should Live In Military Housing At Least Once

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Why You Should Live In Military Housing At Least Once

When we went in to talk to a recruiter back in 2005, one of the things he told us that has always stuck with me was the advice to live in Military housing at least once. Being so new to the Military I really didn’t know what to expect. Our first duty station together was in Germany and it only made sense to live on post there.

We arrived in March of 2006 (can’t believe that was almost ten years ago) and moved into Army housing. They put us on the 3rd floor of a stairwell apartment in an older building that was very European. We got lucky because our unit had been redone recently and we had our own washer and dryer in our bathroom. For the units that didn’t, they had to do their wash in the basement. Our apartment was small and was on the 3rd floor but it seemed perfect to us at the time. At least, until we had another baby.

One of my first memories of Military housing was hearing two wives talk with each other across the road. It was loud and I couldn’t believe they were doing that. There were also a lot of parties late into the night and a lot of noise. I was not new to apartment living but Military housing was so different then anything else I had experienced.

There are good things about living in Military housing and bad things about living in Military housing. There are many benefits that I missed after we lived off post. There are other things I was glad to leave behind. Overall, I think the recruiter’s advice was right on. It is a good idea to live on post at least once. Why?

Why?

To be surrounded by the Military Community

When you live in Military housing, you will be surrounded by other Military families. Your kids will go to school with our Military kids. You will be more likely to shop at the PX and Commissary on a regular basis. You will get a good feeling for the Military community. This will stay with you for the rest of your time as a Military Spouse and that is a good thing. It will allow you to feel a part of everything even if you decide to live off post in the future.

To meet other Military families on a daily basis

Because you will be on post you will always be meeting new Military families. If you see a moving truck in your neighborhood, you don’t have to wonder if they are Military or not. It is easier for you to attend events on post and there you will continue to meet other people. If you are in need of more Military friends, living on post is the way to go. You will always be meeting people associated with the Military.

To know how a Military post works

One thing you will learn after living on a Military post is how it works. You will hear Reveille and Retreat in the morning and evening and will know what to do when you hear it. Your kids will know what to do. After living off post, I realized we are not usually on post when that happens and I miss hearing it. You will get used to watching the service members run around post during PT or going for a lunch break. You will get used to all of this during your time in Military housing and it will be nice to look back on that time with good memories.

To make life a little easier during deployments

Deployments are usually easier if you live on post vs off. This isn’t always the case of course but there is something to be said about living around people whose spouse is also deployed or who have been through it before. When we were in Schweinfurt, our first duty station, almost everyone there had their husband deployed at the same time. This mean we had more people to walk through the deployment with. It was something our whole community went through together. My deployments when we have lived off post were different and I just didn’t feel as connected to others going through the same thing.

If you are not sure if you should live on post or not, think about the benefits and how doing so can help you understand the Military and Military life in general. Some people do have really good experiences off post as well. It really depends on what you are comfortable with and what you want to experience as well as where you are stationed.

In the end, I would tell you to live in Military housing if you get the chance. If you hate it, you never have to do it again but at least, you will have had that experience.

 

Have you ever lived in Military housing? Did you like it? Hate it?

 

All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life

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All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life

15 Months

11 Months

5.5 Months

6.5 Months

= 38 months or 3 years, 2 months.

This is how long my husband was gone on deployments. This does not count any of the other times he has been gone for non-deployment reasons.

WOW! Almost 3.5 years? I can’t even wrap my mind around that. I can’t. Looking back, we got through it. Sometimes just one hour at a time but we did it.

Sometimes I still break down over what he missed.

He missed so much. He kissed our 3-week old boy goodbye after meeting him just 2 weeks earlier and he did not see him again until he was almost one. He missed the whole first year of his life. That is a lot of time. If you have a baby, you know how different a 3 week old is from an 11-month-old. You know everything they go through in that time. All the stages and changes. My husband got to experience all of that through photos. That’s it. Just photos.

He said to me once that it was a weird feeling. Knowing you had a son out there that you loved but didn’t know at all. That broke my heart.

Was it worth it? I don’t know. I really don’t.

I don’t like to think about that. I don’t want to think about the politics of why he was there because it hurts too much. He joined the Army and did his job and THAT is why he was gone.

He has missed so much and for an involved father like him, I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I have been away from my boys for 10 days at the longest and I was SO ready to get back to them.

His first deployment was 15 months long. It was extended. It should have been shorter. He came home for R&R to be with me for the birth of our child but got there a few days late. That was okay. I was able to handle that but I knew I wanted him there for any future babies we were going to have. I didn’t want to have to give birth without my husband again.

To add to things, my husband didn’t join the Army until our oldest son was 13 months old. He didn’t miss anything with him. He was there for the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, the newborn months, watching him learn to roll, to sit, to stand.

What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?

Knowing that he got to experience that with my now 11-year-old and not with the 9-year-old still makes me tear up.

I think about the wives of soldiers during WW2. My Grandpa was gone for three years. They didn’t have kids at the time but other soldiers did. Can you imagine leaving you 2-year-old and seeing them again when they were 5? With only letters to get by? I can’t. That makes what we went through seem a lot easier.

I know we can’t beat ourselves up for all that he missed. We just can’t. It comes with Military life. It is normal for them to miss things. Other Military spouses get it. They have been through it as well. They understand how hard it can be too.

There are things you can do to make the distance a little easier. You can talk on video chat, send a lot of photos, talk on the phone, send care packages, etc. But at the end of the day, it is not the same as having them live in the same house with you and your children day after day.

As a Military spouse, you have to come to a place of accepting that your spouse will miss part of your kid’s childhood. You can’t always plan when they will be home. You can’t make sure that they will be there when you have a baby, when your child walks for the first time, when they start Kindergarten or when they graduate from high school. You might have to be there without them, take a few videos and some photos and share them with your spouse that way. You accept all of this as a part of Military life.

You can hope and pray that they won’t miss too many important things. They will be home sometimes. They will not be gone for all of their Military careers. Remember that when you feel frustrated about how much they have missed.

Think about the times you have had together, the experiences you have had because you are a Military family and the good that can come from standing by your spouse as they go through their Military career.

What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?

How To Survive The Election When You And Your Friends Don’t Agree

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How To Survive The Election When You And Your Friends Don't Agree

Whether you like it or not, election season is here. Soon, it will be time to vote and with that comes more campaign ads, debates and an increase of political Facebook posts. If you are into politics, this is an exciting time. If you are not, well, sorry, you just have to put up with it.

But what happens when you and your friends really don’t agree politically? How do you survive the next year? What can you do about it?

In person

Offline you can avoid political talk when you get together. This isn’t always easy and sometimes it comes up anyway. If you simply don’t want to go there with that person, try to change the subject. Sometimes it is nice to get together and discuss politics with those you don’t agree with but only if both sides can be respectful. If someone starts off with badmouthing your political party it can be hard to want to continue talking politics with them.

On Facebook

Facebook can be a hard place to be during political season when you know a lot of people with different political beliefs. Luckily, there are some things you can do to protect your friendship and keep the peace. You don’t have to unfriend, which isn’t always the best solution.

Unfollow Pages

Did you know you could do this? You can make it so you don’t see shares from certain pages. This is great for being able to follow your friends without seeing their political posts. You can do this by clicking on the top right part of the post and you should see an option for “Unfollow Page Name.” You can also do this as well as refollow pages when you click on “News Feed Preferences.”

Post Positive

When it comes to sharing political stuff yourself, stick to positive posts about the people you like or the things you stand for. Tearing down the other side just creates a lot of tension and can also hurt feelings. Sticking to positives can help others who believe differently than you to try to understand why you believe the way you do. If I am on my Facebook feed and I see a positive political post I will be more likely to read it vs when I see a negative one.

Unfollow People Temporary

If you know one of your friends or family members is going to post a lot of political stuff you can’t stand to see, you might have to unfollow them for a time. There are a few issues I feel strongly about and if I see someone keeps posting negative things about them, I have to unfollow them, at least for a time. I don’t want to unfriend this person because overall they are special to me but I just can’t personally handle seeing certain things in my feed.

Find a Safe Space

I have a few places I can go to talk politics that are safe. I can discuss things with others without worrying about hurting someone on the other side. I can talk with those who get it and it allows me to not feel so alone in my beliefs. So while I do sometimes share political things on Facebook, I usually post in those groups instead.

Unfollow Pages On Your Side

Another thing I did recently was unfollow some pages that support my point of view. Why did I do this? Because I can only take so much of that type of thing. I love how Facebook allows you to make your feed the way you want by telling them who you want to see first and who you don’t want to see at all. If going on Facebook gets me upset when I don’t want to be, I will make changes to see more of what makes me happy, makes me think about things or makes me feel connected to the people I love.

Politics can get nasty and the things that are said can hurt feelings. I want to try my best to avoid being stuck in that during this upcoming political season.

What do you do to survive elections when you and your friends don’t agree politically?

 

See Ya, 2015, 2016 Is Here

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See Ya, 2015, 2016 Is Here

Happy 2016! It’s the first day a new year. A fresh page. I love the feeling you get when a new year starts and the old one becomes just a bunch of memories.

2015 wasn’t the best year. Not at all. Looking back, it was a strange year. It seemed to go by fast overall but there were a lot of days when it just dragged.

My husband started a new job right before Christmas last year and it was very difficult for all of us. He was not home as much as we needed him to be. This caused a lot of stress and frustration for me. The good news is that last week he started a new job which should be a lot better for us. I am excited to see how 2016 is going to play out and still a little nervous about what his new job is going to be like.

Military spouse blogger

He is still in the National Guard and will be for another 17 months. I think I finally have figured out how monthly drills are supposed to work.

Although I went through a lot of personal stress and frustration in 2015, a lot of good things have been going on with my own work. I started writing for Homefront United and She Knows. I have continued to write for Military Shoppers. I have been working on my blog and social media more than I ever have the last few months and I am so glad I did.

military spouse blogger

I am still selling Scentsy and will continue to do so. I just can’t seem to stop loving all the new scents and warmers they keep coming out with. I love to help my team and my customers find the right scent for their home.

I also have a few projects I am working on and always trying to learn as much as I can about blogging, working from home and freelancing. I also really want to finish my first novel. I have been writing stories since I was five but I always give up on them. I started writing a new one this summer and I really want to go all the way with it. My problem is finding the time to write after everything else I have to do. But I know I  just need to make the time. That is the only thing holding me back.

Military spouse blogger

 

My boys are doing well overall. I am thankful for that. I have a 4th, 3rd and a preschooler this year. Next fall we will have all three at the same school. It will be the only year that they will all be at the same school and it will be interesting for sure. My “baby” will be going off to Kindergarten and that will be emotional for sure. That change also means that I will be able to add a lot more work time hours to my schedule.

My 3rd grader is my son with Asperger’s. We still have plenty of challenges but this school year has gone really well overall. We honestly have more issues at home which is different than in the past. I am excited to see how the rest of the school year goes and how he will learn and grow as he gets ready for 4th grade in the fall.

We still want to move to California and working towards that goal but I am afraid the move is not going to happen in 2016, which I am okay with. My mother-in-law is coming out to visit us soon. A few weeks after she goes home, my Dad will be coming out and then my mom should hopefully be able to visit in the late spring. I am so thankful they can come out and visit because it is so hard to be away from family and it is our number one reason for wanting to move back.

military spouse blogger

As I look at the new year ahead I think about all the things I want to do more of. I want to take more photos with my DSLR, I want to focus more on my blogging and my work at home goals, I want to declutter more of my home and make a few changes, I want to make new friends and join another book club.

What about you, my readers??? What are YOU most looking forward to in 2016?

Will you be moving somewhere new? Is your husband coming home from a deployment? Will you be adding a new child to your family? Publishing a book?

Let me know in the comments. I would love to hear from you 🙂

 

Saying Thank You To The Military This Holiday Season

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“This post was sponsored by the MetLife TRICARE Dental Program as part of an Ambassador Program for Influence Central.”

Saying Thank You To the Military During the Holiday Season

Being a Military family during the holidays can be difficult. That is why is it so important to remember those people who are serving during this time of year. Sometimes they are home and are able to spend some time with their families and other times they are far away, missing their spouses, children, and other family members during a time when most people get to spend the holidays together.

It is so important to thank our service members throughout the year but especially during the holiday season. There are a lot of great ways to do this. I know for our family it is important to be there for others when they are missing someone during the holidays. When someone is overseas and away from their families it is nice to know that their spouse has friends to depend on back at home.

Care packages can go a long way as well. I enjoyed getting packages together to arrive in time for Christmas when my husband was away from us because of the Military. I knew he would be able to share some of what I sent with others in his Unit. I also remember receiving a few care packages myself and they really helped me feel better during my husband’s deployment. Small things like that can go a long way in helping say thank you to the members of the military and their families.

If you do not know any Military members personally, you can give in other ways. We have been able to give to different Military organizations that help the Military in different ways. From Christmas presents to helping those who have been injured. Take some time to look around your community and see where you can help those who serve. Even the smallest of donations can go a long way in helping the Military community.

MetLife also wishes you a happy holidays!

It is important to maintain good dental care, even during this time of year. The TRICARE Dental Program benefit includes the recommended cleanings twice a year, three times a year for those who are pregnant or people with diabetes. Two fluoride treatments are also covered within each consecutive 12-month period.

It is important to know that the TDP offers a network of over 250,000 locations worldwide. You can visit the website to find a dentist near you if you don’t already have one.

In the National Guard and Reserves? If you are enrolled in the TDP, network dentists can complete the Department of Defense Active Duty/Reserve Forces Dental Examination form -DD Form 2813 for them which will be done at zero cost.

Additional Resources:
2015 Winter Health Matters Newsletter:
MetLife TDP website: www.metlife.com/tricare
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MetLifeTDP
Twitter: https://twitter.com/metlifetdp

What is your favorite way to say thank you to the Military???