Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse is in the Military

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Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse is in the Military

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse Is In The Military

One of the hardest parts of being a Military spouse is when your spouse is away from you. They can be gone for a few weeks, a few months, or even up to a year. In some cases even longer. When you are dealing with that plus dealing with anxiety, life can feel like too much at times.

I never realized how bad my anxiety could get until right before our 4th deployment.

I have always been a bit of a worrier. I worry about silly little things that my husband just can’t understand. I have a hard time with driving. If I haven’t ever been to the place before, if it is too far from home, or if I have to drive somewhere at night, doing so can be a challenge.

I have had to work hard on this because I do have to drive most days. I have to power through. And most days I am able to.

I worry about silly things with my kids. Usually, when my husband is home, I can just ask him what he thinks and then I can calm down and it isn’t a big deal. When he is deployed, I can’t do that so my worry level goes up.

I get anxious about my car when I park somewhere new. I get anxious about locking my front door, did I remember to do it? I get anxious about a lot of little things and all of that can add up.

Right before our 4th deployment, I knew I needed to do something about my anxiety.

I couldn’t see how I could get through the deployment without upping my game a little bit. I had friends to hang out with, kids to keep me busy, and projects to work on but that wasn’t going to be enough this time. It just wasn’t.

I ended up talking to my doctor about what was going on and she suggested medication. I am not against meds altogether but I wasn’t sure if they were right for me. I really went back and forth about taking them. I decided I wanted to see how counseling would work before I tried medication.

So I started going to see someone. Thank goodness Tricare paid for it. Going to counseling was the best thing I could have done. I am not going to say that all my anxiety went away, it didn’t, but talking to someone really helped me, in ways nothing else did.

If I ever get to where I feel the way I did back then, I would go see someone again in a heartbeat.

Anxiety is rough, and for me, a deployment made that anxiety worse.

Studies have found that wives of deployed soldiers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. This was not a big surprise to me. I know I am not the only one that struggles.

Throw in a deployment, or two, or three or, however many you have to go through, and life can get pretty challenging. I think as military spouses we want to be strong but anxiety or depression can drag us down, and make us feel as if everything is just too hard.

The issue with anxiety is so much more than just worrying. We all might worry about our spouses being in a war zone, at least on some level. Anxiety goes much further than that and should be taken more seriously. Anxiety can make you worry about things that other people don’t even think about.

We can’t just pray anxiety away or go out with friends to get rid of those feelings. Anxiety is something we have to work at on a daily basis. Anxiety can ruin your whole day. Anxiety can make life so much more difficult.

So what should you do if you struggle with anxiety and your spouse is in the Military?

You need to take steps to figure out how you are going to get through what you are dealing with. If your spouse is going to make the Military a career, you will have to figure something out. For some that might be moving back home during a deployment, others might need to take medication or start seeing a counselor. Some military spouses might need to do everything in order to get to a better place. Don’t be ashamed and try to seek help if you can.

The Military does have some resources for you too. You can visit the Tricare page to see what your options are. Military One Source is also a great resource for more information.

Remember that you are only human and if you feel like you need extra help, ask for that help. Admitting this can be difficult but important. You will be a better spouse, a better parent, and a better friend if you can get the help you need.

Do you struggle from anxiety? How do you deal with it all when going through something difficult like a deployment?

How to Support a Reserve Spouse During a Deployment

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How to Support a Reserve Spouse During a Deployment

My name is Corrie Andreacchio, and I am a proud US Army Reserve spouse. My husband, SFC Joseph Andreacchio has served for over 18 years and is a two-time combat veteran with service in support of both Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom.

As a reserve spouse, we often do not have access to on-post resources and ease of access to connect in person with other military spouses, especially those from our spouse’s unit during a time of separation. During my husband’s 2013-2014 deployment to Afghanistan, many of the soldiers were from areas that spanned as many as 600 miles from the reserve center in Reading, PA.

In the first 30 days of that separation, it was hard. I found myself scouring the Facebook posts and FRG (now SFRG) community page to find potential matches for friendship. I was fortunate to cross paths with two incredible women – Erin and Nicole. We forged a friendship that was 100% virtual. We texted, we joined each other for virtual wine nights, and we set GOALS. Goals to hold each other accountable – and when we fell short, we leaned into each other and shared tears, virtual hugs (Nicole is NOT a hugger so this worked out to her benefit), and the permission to make it a “take-out” night for dinner.

Since our husbands deployed together in 2013-2014, we have all faced at least one more deployment off-cycle from one another. This was a new hardship because there is nothing like the camaraderie of going through a deployment alongside other spouses’ at the same time. However, we were able to lean into these ideas and support each other in spite of not having the common experience.

I was lucky. This is not always the case. Many of our reserve spouses are isolated. Isolated from their military community and isolated in their local community where there is not a common understanding of the sacrifice a deployment can take on the military family.

How can we support our reserve spouses during times of separation? Be there. Call. Text. When you do not know what to say, simply ask how they are doing.

Here are some ideas to guide your support of our reserve and national guard spouses when they are not able to join and/or attend more formal spouses’ clubs or SFRG functions due to location.

1)      Flat Stanley meets Green Soldier. Go to a party store (or lean on Amazon) and send green soldiers to your circle. Family, friends, and co-workers can all get involved. Create a Facebook group where you encourage everyone to post photos with their soldiers and the adventures that they are having at home while the service member is deployed. This is a great way to capture the memories for the service member upon their return and an awesome way for non-military connected support persons to participate.

2)      Drinks and Links. You can mail your reserve spouse cut pieces of construction paper and join them on a Facetime or Zoom to create a deployment countdown calendar while enjoying your Coffee, Wine, or Mocktail. Have one in your home in addition to theirs and celebrate the removal of each link. I would suggest a deployment countdown of either weeks or months, but Nicole plans to have a caterpillar of a daily countdown in her home. Godspeed, Nicole!

(OPSEC is critical, Do not share your exact countdown information).

3)      Monthly Celebration. Did your reserve or national guard’s spouse leave on the 20th of the month? Make it a point to connect with your friend on that day. Send a greeting card, FaceTime, and have a dance party. We highly recommend Katy Perry’s ROAR.

4)      Start or rediscover a Hobby. DIY home décor, gardening, knitting, scrapbooking. Pick a hobby that you can both do together. When our husbands were deployed in 2013-2014 Erin, Nicole, and I picked up working out. We all achieved significant goals and ended the deployments working out consistently two times a day, most days. We were stronger together and sweating for that homecoming

5)      Snail mail. There is nothing more fun than receiving happy mail. However, happy mail is really rare these days. My friend, Rebekah, who I met through a military spouse non-profit as volunteers, reminded me of the power of snail mail during my husband’s 2020 unaccompanied CONUS mobilization. She was so good about sending me greeting cards, letters, stickers for my daughter, and some surprise Amazon goodies that completely turned my day around. Somehow, most likely because of her husband’s career service as an EOD with the Air Force these snail mail happy mail packages always arrived on a day I really needed them. These do not have to be elaborate. Hand write a letter, and create a masterpiece with crayons and construction paper. Being thought of is what it is all about during a time of separation.

Erin, Nicole, and I have a lasting bond built on common experiences and the ability to make time for each other during our spouse’s deployment. Soon we will be celebrating TEN YEARS of friendship simply as a result of our husband’s jobs. It is truly an extraordinary thing to know that your spouse’s job can open a door to incredible friendships for reserve spouses if you’re able to find out how to connect with them. 

Missing You, On Christmas

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Missing You, On Christmas

Another Christmas and yet you are gone, across the ocean, serving our country.

We knew this was a part of the deal, and yet, that doesn’t make it any easier. You are gone, away from us, and all we want for Christmas is you.

As the days get closer to the 25th, my heart feels a little less thrilled with the idea that we are so far away from one another. There is something about this holiday, more than any other, that you should be home for. And yet I know, the military doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.

I know as a military spouse, just because I want them to be home doesn’t mean they will be. Just because I think they should be home, doesn’t mean they can be. I have to go with the flow, even if that flow hurts.

As I set up the Christmas tree, I can’t help but hold back a tear. I can’t help but think about the year before when you were here for all this. When you were right by my side as we decided on where each ornament should go.

As I set up the Christmas tree, I think about how hopefully you will be with us next year, and the year after, and the one after that. I hope and pray you never have to be over there during Christmas again. But how realistic is that type of prayer?

As I start to buy presents for our young children, I think about how you won’t be there to see them open them. To see the joy on their faces, and hear them laugh and get excited about Christmas morning.

I think about how I will make sure to record everything so that you don’t miss a thing, but you will anyway. That is just how it is. A million photos never make up for being there, no matter how many you take.

I think about how on Christmas Eve, it will just be me getting everything together. It will just be me putting the kids to bed in their cute Christmas PJs, and just me making sure the cookies and milk are out for Santa. It will just be me pouring some eggnog and watching a Christmas movie late into the night.

We will be missing you on Christmas.

As a military family, we have missed you so many times over the years. You have missed birthdays and anniversaries, and all the little things that make life special. And yet, I can’t help be feel like this is the road we have to be on. That you are a soldier, and I choose to follow you, even if it meant a Christmas away from you. Even if it meant missing you.

I think about how much you have given to this country. And how much more you will give. There will be more times apart, and more Christmases spent in different time zones.

But as I think about missing you on Christmas, I also think about how we can get through this, just like we have before.

You won’t be here for Christmas day, but we will be thinking of one another all the same. That is what we military families do. That is all we can really do when we are hit with missing each other so much.

Christmas won’t be the same, it can’t be, you are not here. But Christmas can still be special and we can still make some memories.

We are missing you on Christmas, as you are missing us. But we will get through this time apart. We always do and make it to the other side.

Feeling Strong as a MilSpouse, It Doesn’t Always Happen

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“We are military spouses, we are strong, we can do anything that comes our way!”

We hear this a lot. How strong we are. How we can get through anything. And while I know we can get through so much, it isn’t always as simple as that. Sometimes military life punches us right in the gut, and that isn’t the easiest to recover from. And the last thing we might be feeling at that time is strong.

The truth of the matter is we as military spouses want to feel strong. We want to believe we can take anything that comes our way, and for the most part we do. But, it is never that simple. 

There are so many different emotions during a deployment. From sadness to excitement, to feeling strong to feeling weak. And the truth is, there is no one right way to feel. Some days you might be on the verge of tears, others you are rocking around your living room because you just hit four months down.

Don’t put the pressure on yourself to always have to feel strong. Because you won’t always feel that way. Some days you will, some days you won’t. What you can do is work to remind yourself that you can do this, no matter how long they might be away. Here is how to do that.

  • Remember what you have already been through. For me, that can be a 15-month deployment or even a short one with two young boys, and a baby. I think about all the time I have been away from my husband and how I was able to grow through that. It helps me put this current situation into perspective. 
  • Change up your routine. Sometimes all we need is to change things up. Maybe this is you deciding that every Friday will now be pizza night. Maybe it is you deciding you need to cancel a few events during the week as the burnout is hitting you hard.

Don’t worry too much about feeling or not feeling strong. Figure out how to make it through the harder days, and you will find that inner strength. You have been through things that you can look back and say, “wow I did it and I can do it again.” 

In addition to this, you can also help other spouses find their strength. You can help one another out, and help each other get to the finish line. Because sometimes when we are feeling strong, others around us are not. And we can here there to help them, just like they help us when the time comes.

Yes, military spouses are strong. We pretty much have to be. But feeling strong isn’t always possible. And sometimes that can make us feel less then.

Just remember that this is normal. Military spouse life is really a mix of emotions, and you won’t always feel like you can conquer the world. And that really is okay. I promise.

Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

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Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

When your spouse is deployed, finding time for yourself is a lot more complicated. There is always so much to do. And, there is no way to get it all done.

You hear about practicing self-care, but that doesn’t seem possible at the moment. You are always so tired and are not sure when you could find the time to take a bubble bath or read a book. You know you need to relax but you can’t figure out how at the moment.

Breathe

The truth is, finding time for yourself during a deployment is going to take some planning. If you wait for it naturally to come to you, it probably won’t. You need to take some steps so you can figure out how you can make time for yourself.

The reality is, if you keep going and going and don’t ever stop, you will burn yourself out. You need to figure out how to help yourself, even within a crazy schedule. You need to figure out what works for you.

Self-care is very specific to each person. Some people love to get their nails done. They find doing so very relaxing. I really don’t. It’s just not my thing. But, I would love to sit at a coffee shop for hours with a good book.

The key is finding what you love and what you can do. If you have small children and a deployed spouse, you can’t just leave to go take time to yourself, you have to plan for it.

You might be able to hire a babysitter, trade babysitting with a friend, or take advantage of CDC hours.

You can also find some of that self-care time after your kids go to bed. I did this all the time during our early deployments. I would try to keep to an earlier bedtime for my kids so I had a few hours to myself before I went to bed.

Being able to make that time for myself was a must. I couldn’t imagine not doing so. Being able to somewhat relax recharged me and allowed me to be the best mom I could be, even during a deployment.

Often time, especially us moms, assume we can’t even find time to take a shower or take a short break. The truth is, some seasons will be harder to do so than others, but that doesn’t mean it is impossible to do so.

Our mental health is important, and during a deployment, we have to be really aware of how we are doing emotionally. Many military spouses are going through depression or anxiety, or both. We have to figure out ways to help get through what we are dealing with in a healthy manner.

Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

Here are some self-care resources to help:

Self-Care for MILSOs Ebook by Mrs. Navy Mama

14 Self-Care Books You Should Definitely Read This Year

Self-Care: 12 Ways to Take Better Care of Yourself

Military Child Care Programs

Let Brave Crate Get You Through a Deployment

See what you can do to change things up and give yourself permission to take time for yourself. You will be so glad you did!

The Anxiety of a Military Spouse When Deployment Comes to an End

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Happy to have this guest post by Megan! Want to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life? Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know! I take pieces on anything milspouse related, from deployment tips to duty station review.

The anxiety of a Military Spouse when deployment comes to an end

The Anxiety of a Military Spouse When Deployment Comes to an End

If you have ever experienced an anxiety attack you will know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’re a military spouse, you will get it even more. Anxiety has a crazy way of messing with your head and your emotions. Before you know it, the anxiety has taken over your entire being and leaves you emotionally and physically exhausted. 

I can remember when my husband first deployed; the anxiety was taking over every ounce of my being. I couldn’t think about anything else. I couldn’t sleep.

Every time I looked at my husband I wanted to cry or throw up. It was like I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to cling to him. I wanted him to cling to me.

I didn’t want him to go. I tried my very best to understand the mission first and it was his duty. But a selfish part of me wanted to throw myself on the floor kicking and screaming. 

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, the morning he left I didn’t shed one tear. The anxiety I had felt for months suddenly went away. I stood there until the buses drove off and waited.

I took a moment to myself standing in the empty parking lot in the cold. I waited for the tears to come. I waited for the anxiety panic attack to kick in. I was prepared for it. But it never did. I got in the car and talked to my dad all the way home and not once shed a tear. 

I was beginning to think something was wrong with me. I got home, drank coffee, and got the kids off to school. I just kept waiting to feel something. Then it hit me.

I walked into our bedroom and looked at our unmade bed and everything I was waiting to hit me did. I fell to the floor with my heart aching an unbearable pain. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t stand up.

I sat on the floor sobbing for what seemed like hours but, it was minutes. I reminded myself what I had promised my husband; no matter what I would keep going. So, I got up, wiped my tears, and slowly got dressed for work. I just kept telling myself “you promised him to live your life, to keep going, to take care of our family, and to never quit”. So, I didn’t. 

Now I won’t lie. There have been many times during this deployment that I have cried. Either out of anger, feeling defeated, being scared, being lonely, or just happy tears.

However, I will say for the most part I took all those emotions and shoved them deep down in the pit of my stomach, and refused to let them come up. Any time I started feeling in the feel goods I would stop myself. “Remember Megan, you promised him to keep going”. So, I kept going no matter what. 

Now we are so close to being done. I texted my husband today and told him it was almost unreal. I haven’t allowed myself to think about him coming home for so long. I haven’t let myself count days or think about months.

Now that we are here, all the emotions I had been shoving down are all crashing into me at once. I am scared. I’m excited. I am overwhelmed.

There are so many questions constantly going through my head. What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if we have both changed so much, we no longer connect?

What will the sex be like? What are his expectations? What are mine? So many questions and no answers. It’s terrifying to think about.

Anytime I start to think about it I tear up and start to cry. I see the Facebook posts and want to cry. I open the boxes full of his clothes and start to cry.

I look around at my messy house and think about everything that needs to be done to prepare for him to come and that really makes me want to cry. My husband is somewhere on a plane coming home to our family and I just can’t wrap my head around it.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen him, touched him, and smelled him. To think about it my heart wants to explode. And the anxiety gets higher and higher.

I try to control it but with every day I can feel the anxiety growing more and more. When will it end? The day before I pick him up? The minute I see him? I don’t know.  

I guess this will be a 2-part post. Right now, I can only write about how I feel as the deployment is coming to an end. Just my thoughts and feelings right now. Once we get to welcome him home and settle into a new normal, I can write about if I was right or wrong.

I will have a better understanding of how all this works. I hope I get to write something wonderful and picture-perfect. I hope my anxiety will calm down long enough for me to enjoy planning him coming home. Until then, I will just write about what I know. So, I will leave this as; “to be continued” …………

My name is Megan Davis. I have a full-time paying job and volunteer jobs that I love. I currently work as a Personnel Supervisor at Westaff where I match people in my community looking for jobs with companies looking for workers. I volunteer as the Family Readiness Group Leader for the 2-108 CAV Squadron in Shreveport. I work with Military Spouse Advocacy Network (MSAN) mentoring other National Guard Spouses. Following these passions, I was recognized as the 2020-2021 Louisiana National Guard Spouse of the Year. I love helping people, specifically military spouses. One of my main goals is to make sure military spouses know they are not alone when trying to navigate through the military world. I want to help give them the courage to speak out and help build a support system for them so they can make it through all the crazy things the military life throws at us. I am also a student at the University of Louisiana at Monroe for my bachelor’s degree in risk management. Graduating from ULM has been my biggest goal for years and I am proud to say I am almost there.

When They First Leave: Tips for Starting a Deployment

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Happy to have this guest post by Holly. Want to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life? Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know! I take pieces on anything milspouse related, from deployment tips to duty station review.

When They First Leave: Tips for Starting a Deployment

I find that the hardest part of my husband being gone is always right at the beginning and then at the end. I always feel “lost” for a few days, adjusting to our new normal without him, and then I feel so stressed at the end getting ready for him to come home and trying to make sure everything is just right. This post tackles my tips for those first few days away…

Make Time for You

I know what you’re thinking, “don’t worry, he’s gone, I have tons of time for myself”, but really, on the first night alone, take some time for yourself and enjoy it. I always pour a bubble bath, grab a good book, and watch a chick flick on Netflix.

I love stretching out in the bed and controlling the remote (which usually never happens). Also, think about using this time to better yourself. Eat healthy, make time for the gym, and read that new self-help book you’ve been too busy to open. Not only will this help you pass the time, but you’ll make some positive changes that you can continue once he returns.

Spend Time with Friends

After you’ve had enough “me time”, search out your besties and find something fun to do. Sometimes that’s going out for a girl’s night, hitting up a concert, or even just grilling on the deck. Spend some time with the girls and build up those relationships.

Struggling to make friends in a new place? Try visiting with moms at school, daycare, or sporting events. Visit with other ladies at the gym or search out new friends at work. This is a great time to hang out with new people and check in on those you haven’t been able to visit with for a while.

Make Special Time with Your Children

One of the small blessings of my husband being gone is how close my son and I are. We spend lots of time together, just the two of us, and we have a great relationship. We try and do fun activities together and make new memories, even when my husband can’t be there to enjoy them with us.

I’ve found myself getting braver as he gets older too. We go camping together, weekend trips, and we’ve even ventured on a few road trips, just the two of us.

Whether this is the first time he has left or the tenth, these three tips seem to help get us through whatever military life throws at us. I figure you can look at their absence as an awful burden or as an opportunity to gain insight into yourself and build relationships; the latter makes for a much happier you and therefore a much happier military family in the trips to come.

Holly Corcoran is a military wife of 10 years, mom to one adorable and resilient seven-year-old, and third-grade teacher living in the flyover states. She juggles home, parenting, and teaching, while also sometimes taking calls from Afghanistan. Connecting with other military spouses and friends is a constant reminder “we’re always under the same sky.”

Oh, Afghanistan…

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Oh, Afghanistan…

I see you. I see you in the news. I am not sure how to feel.

Oh, Afghanistan…

The place my husband has been, where so many men and women have had to go over the years.

Oh, Afghanistan…

A place that has been so much a part of my world for so very long. A place I really don’t know too much about myself.

Oh, Afghanistan…

The deployments, the endless deployments to ensure America’s freedom. The endless deployments, as we military families stay behind and hope and pray. The endless deployments, ones that didn’t bring all of our men and women home.

As I log onto Facebook this morning, I see so many thoughts and opinions about what is going on. People asking for prayers. People asking for understanding. People who are angry.

I feel weird even thinking about how to respond. I feel weird even having an opinion on it all. I wasn’t the one that went there. I wasn’t the one that put on that uniform.

But then I remember. I remember when my husband left for Afghanistan when our baby was two months old. I remember not knowing if he would be back a few months later or in over a year or even if at all.

I remember when he had to go again a few years later. During a time that hit me hard. During a time when I felt at my lowest and needed a husband by my side.

But he wore the uniform. And he went where he was told to go. I couldn’t even get to the point where I could decide if Afghanistan was worth it. He was serving our country. He was doing his part.

I have to leave that to the other people. To those, we vote into office. To the American people who make those votes. To those who have more power over the situation than I will ever have.

As a military spouse, I can’t nitpick a reason why my husband had to go away. I can’t overthink if everything we had to give up to do so was worth the sacrifice. I just can’t and I won’t. My brain won’t let me do that.

As a military spouse, Afghanistan was where my husband had to go. Just like Iraq was where he had to go. They are deployments. They are “downrange” and filled with so much emotion when we say their names.

Oh, Afghanistan…these last 20 years. Have they been in vain? Have they all been for nothing? I sure hope not.

I sure hope that in these last 20 years, good has been done. I sure hope that in these last 20 years, there has truly been a fight for freedom. I sure hope that the time and the money and the sacrifice has been worth it.

I have to believe it. I can’t think that it wasn’t.

As we turn on the news and it seems that everything is falling away, I hope we can remember what was accomplished. I hope we can truly see the good that was done.

There is so much blame. Who is really at fault?

We have questions. So many questions. As I watch some of the children of the men my husband first deployed with put on the uniform too. As I know my own children are just a few years away from being old enough to do the same. I wonder why this has become a multi-generational war?

We have questions. Should we have not pulled out? Should we have stayed longer? Maybe a few more years?

Or maybe we should have left years ago? Maybe there was a better time to do so?

And as we are living in the middle of this pandemic that doesn’t want to end, as we are living with so many other frustrations, is this yet another one we will have to add to our list of things to worry about?

Us military families, what happens in the news can and does hit us hard. Will this hit us hard? Will this mean more deployments? Will this mean longer deployments?

We know in our hearts how much Afghanistan has turned our lives upside down. We know how much pain some of our service members are in because of it. And we worry that what is going on now will cause feelings of defeat or that the military sacrifices don’t matter.

We post 9/11 military families have been through so very much. We have said goodbye way too many times. And at this point, we are wondering what will be next?

Oh, Afghanistan…these are just the words of one military spouse. One who loves and cares. And is trying to make sense out of it all.