Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

Saying That Goodbye, As they Head Off to War

by

It’s time to say goodbye.

I don’t want to. I really don’t want to.

I want him to stay here forever. Stay with me forever. But that’s not how military life works.

It’s time to say goodbye and I need to be strong. For him. For my kids.

We drive up to the gate. That horrible gate. The one he will walk through after we say our goodbyes.

My tears start to flow, but still, I try to hold them back. He hugs me as he gets out of the car. This is it. This is really happening.

I have been here before. I have done this before. This isn’t new.

And yet, it feels new. It feels just like it did the first time he had to go so many years ago.

He grabs his bag, I grab my boys. We don’t want to draw this out.

He puts his bag where it needs to go and comes back to us. We can stay. We can wait until it is time for him to go. But we decide not to.

We say goodbye then. Knowing the extra hour or two might just drag this out. We say goodbye and then we let go.

I give him that last hug and that last kiss and that last goodbye. He hugs and kisses the boys. And kisses me one last time.

And I tell him what I always tell him, “come back to me,” and he says what he always says, “I will, I always will.”

And so I grab the boys and we get in the car. We have said goodbye. We have kissed and hugged that one last time.

And I leave him there, this man I love so much. The one I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unsure about what the next few months would bring.

As I get the boys in the car, I tell them that we got this and we are going to have an adventure when their dad is gone.

That we will make this time apart fun for them and that the days might be hard at times, we will get through it. I am not sure if they totally understand what I am saying. They are so young but I tell them it will all be okay because I feel like they need to hear it. I feel like I need to say it.

And so we head back home, me trying to keep it together. It’s day 1. The first day of deployment.

It’s day one and the countdown can begin. It’s day one and I know the day will be hard.

And as time moves on, as it always does, I look back on that day and how hard it was to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye to the man I love, as he heads off to war. Saying goodbye as he heads off to a dangerous place. Saying goodbye as we start this next deployment.

And even through the goodbyes are so hard, time passes and we get through the deployment. Homecoming comes, and we see him again. A little stronger than we were before.

We know there could be more deployments in the future, we know that we will have to say goodbye again. But as military spouses, we know we can get through what military life brings us, one day at a time.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

by

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

Solo parenting is the pits. Being the only adult in charge can be challenging. Luckily, there are ways to make solo parenting a little bit easier. Here are some solo parenting hacks to use the next time your spouse deploys, or even just goes away for any amount of time.

1. Meal prep

Planning out your meals is always a good idea. Then, when dinnertime comes around, you won’t be struggling with what to make. This will also save you money each week too.

2. Use your village

If you have your people, use them when you need to. Find friends you can depend on and be there for them too. Working together with others will help you during this period of your life.

3. Get ready the night before

If you have a busy morning, get ready the night before. This means packing lunches, laying out clothes, and anything you would normally have to do in the morning. That way, once you get up, you know what you need to do to get out of the house on time.

4. Follow a schedule

Even if you don’t normally stick to a strict schedule, having some kind of daily routine can be a good idea. It helps keep things movings and will help your kids know what is going on.

5. Stay consistent in your discipline

This is the hardest things to do. When you have to fill the roles of both mom and dad, burnout can happen quickly. Try hard to be consistent in your discipline as much as you can.

6. Use online grocery shopping

Order online. Go pick up. Save yourself the task of taking all your kids into the grocery store once a week.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

7. Trade babysitting with a friend

If you don’t have the extra money to hire a babysitter, or just don’t feel comfortable with doing so, trade babysitting with a friend. This can help both of you out, and you can get things done without having to take your kids with you everywhere.

8. Put kids to bed early

Put your kids to bed early. This will give you more time for yourself and makes the evening hours go by a lot faster. You can do dinner, get them ready for bed, and then have at least an hour or two to clean up or relax.

9. Use paper products sometimes

Sometimes it is okay to take a break from all the dishes and use paper plates. This doesn’t mean you will do this forever, just to get a bit of a break. If the dishes are driving you nuts, use this tip to scale back on what you have to do.

10. Sleep where people need to sleep

If your kids sleep better with you, and you don’t mind, let them sleep there. Fighting sleep during a deployment is the worst. The truth is, when your spouse gets back, you can work on better sleeping arrangements if need be. You and your kids need your rest.

11. Make easy foods

You don’t have to make a big meal every day. Find easy meals to make for you and your kids. Sandwiches and cereal nights can help on busier days. Figure out what meals your kids love and rotate through those instead of always trying to come up with something new.

 

12. Do something fun every day

Plan to do something fun every day. You could just go to the park, the library, or a visit to Chick-Fil-A for their indoor playground. Getting out and doing something everyday will break up the boredom and make the days go by a lot faster.

13. Invite family to come visit and offer a lending hand

If you are close with your family, invite them to stay with you. They can offer a helping hand. They can also see where you live and explore your current city.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

14. Don’t sweat the small stuff

Deployments mean a lot of stress. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Especially when it comes to the kids.

15. Plan for me time

Make sure to plan for “me” time. See if you your kids can go to CYS, stay with a friend, or even a family member. Take bubble baths, read books, and don’t forget about yourself.

16. Don’t beat yourself up

Don’t beat yourself up for what you can’t seem to do this deployment. If you start to feel guilty about what you can’t do, you will become overwhelmed with everything. Figure out what is most important and try not to stress about the rest.

17. Take lots of photos

Your spouse will want to see what you are doing when you are gone. Take lots of photos. Then share with your deployed spouse. They will be glad that you did.

18. Give your kids chores

If your kids are old enough, give them chores. Even having your kids help a bit with the dishes and the laundry can take stress off of you. Figure out a good plan for chores for your kids.

19. Make lots of plans with friends

Plan playdates as often as you can. Your kids can play and you can chat with other adults. If you are still looking for friends, get out there and start meeting people. Join a MOPS group or a YMCA playgroup. There should be something going on in your community that you can take your kids to where you can meet other people.

Remember too; solo parenting is a temporary season of your life. While you will have to do it again at some point with a spouse in the military, you won’t always have to do it alone.

What solo parenting hacks have helped you over the years?

5 Tips for a Better Homecoming Day at the End of a Deployment

by Leave a Comment

5 Tips for a Better Homecoming Day

From the moment your service member leaves for a deployment, you start thinking of homecoming day. You dream about that day, you plan for it. You spend hours looking for the perfect dress, the perfect sign and you want everything to go as smoothly as possible.

I have experienced four military homecomings plus all the random times we reconnected after a time apart. When I flew into Germany I was nothing but exhausted after the long flight with my toddler. Still, seeing my husband again after 4.5 months was everything. This was the first time we had ever been apart and we were finally back together again. I didn’t have a sign, I am not even sure I cared what I was wearing but I was back in his arms and everything felt normal again.

When it comes to homecoming day, it is way too easy to become too stressed out about everything that needs to happen.

Here are 5 tips for a better homecoming day:

1. Remember, the dress is for you- Picking out that perfect outfit for a homecoming outfit can be a lot of fun. You spend a little more money than you normally would, and you get to go shopping with friends and buy something special that you will always remember as your homecoming outfit. However, I don’t think what you wear matters to most of the service members coming home from a deployment. They want to see you. They want to hug you. They want to be home. The dress is for you and if you are too stressed about what to wear, don’t be. Pick a nice outfit and you will be fine.

2. Make a to-do list- Preparing for homecoming is all about having a to-do list. There are things you will probably want to do right before they come home. From having the carpets cleaned to figuring out what your kids will wear. Make a good to-do list and stay on track. This will help with your stress level. Know too that you probably don’t have to do everything on your to-do list but having one will keep you busy and keep you from overstressing in the last few days.

3. The simple things are the important ones- Remember, you just need to know where to go and what time, everything else is just extra. Your service member is excited to be home and to see you and your children again. Try not to stress if one of your rooms isn’t clean or if you couldn’t get the right type of beer for your husband.

4. Times and dates will change often- Times and dates for homecoming can change and you might not know for sure until just a few hours before. I really had no idea that my husband would be in one afternoon until he called me from Canada. Try to go with the flow and remember OPSEC!

5. Homecoming is good but can be hard for some- Homecoming can be one of the best days, but for some, homecoming is a day when the reality of war hits. Coming back from a war zone can bring up a lot of different emotions. Both for you and your service member. You are used to being the only adult in the house, they are used to being around other service members all the time. They have been through things us spouses might not be able to imagine. The reintegration period isn’t easy and knowing that you might need some extra help after homecoming day is important.

The good thing is that there are resources out there to help. Here are a few worth looking into:

Military One Source

Real Warriors

IAVA

Operation Homefront

Reboot Combat Recovery

Are you getting ready for homecoming? What has helped you to stay sane during the last few weeks of the deployment?

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse is in the Military

by 13 Comments

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse is in the Military

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse Is In The Military

One of the hardest parts of being a Military spouse is when your spouse is away from you. They can be gone for a few weeks, a few months, or even up to a year. In some cases even longer. When you are dealing with that plus dealing with anxiety, life can feel like too much at times.

I never realized how bad my anxiety could get until right before our 4th deployment.

I have always been a bit of a worrier. I worry about silly little things that my husband just can’t understand. I have a hard time with driving. If I haven’t ever been to the place before, if it is too far from home, or if I have to drive somewhere at night, doing so can be a challenge.

I have had to work hard on this because I do have to drive most days. I have to power through. And most days I am able to.

I worry about silly things with my kids. Usually, when my husband is home, I can just ask him what he thinks and then I can calm down and it isn’t a big deal. When he is deployed, I can’t do that so my worry level goes up.

I get anxious about my car when I park somewhere new. I get anxious about locking my front door, did I remember to do it? I get anxious about a lot of little things and all of that can add up.

Right before our 4th deployment, I knew I needed to do something about my anxiety.

I couldn’t see how I could get through the deployment without upping my game a little bit. I had friends to hang out with, kids to keep me busy, and projects to work on but that wasn’t going to be enough this time. It just wasn’t.

I ended up talking to my doctor about what was going on and she suggested medication. I am not against meds altogether but I wasn’t sure if they were right for me. I really went back and forth about taking them. I decided I wanted to see how counseling would work before I tried medication.

So I started going to see someone. Thank goodness Tricare paid for it. Going to counseling was the best thing I could have done. I am not going to say that all my anxiety went away, it didn’t, but talking to someone really helped me, in ways nothing else did.

If I ever get to where I feel the way I did back then, I would go see someone again in a heartbeat.

Anxiety is rough, and for me, a deployment made that anxiety worse.

Studies have found that wives of deployed soldiers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. This was not a big surprise to me. I know I am not the only one that struggles.

Throw in a deployment, or two, or three or, however many you have to go through, and life can get pretty challenging. I think as military spouses we want to be strong but anxiety or depression can drag us down, and make us feel as if everything is just too hard.

The issue with anxiety is so much more than just worrying. We all might worry about our spouses being in a war zone, at least on some level. Anxiety goes much further than that and should be taken more seriously. Anxiety can make you worry about things that other people don’t even think about.

We can’t just pray anxiety away or go out with friends to get rid of those feelings. Anxiety is something we have to work at on a daily basis. Anxiety can ruin your whole day. Anxiety can make life so much more difficult.

So what should you do if you struggle with anxiety and your spouse is in the Military?

You need to take steps to figure out how you are going to get through what you are dealing with. If your spouse is going to make the Military a career, you will have to figure something out. For some that might be moving back home during a deployment, others might need to take medication or start seeing a counselor. Some military spouses might need to do everything in order to get to a better place. Don’t be ashamed and try to seek help if you can.

The Military does have some resources for you too. You can visit the Tricare page to see what your options are. Military One Source is also a great resource for more information.

Remember that you are only human and if you feel like you need extra help, ask for that help. Admitting this can be difficult but important. You will be a better spouse, a better parent, and a better friend if you can get the help you need.

Do you struggle from anxiety? How do you deal with it all when going through something difficult like a deployment?

How to Support a Reserve Spouse During a Deployment

by Leave a Comment

How to Support a Reserve Spouse During a Deployment

My name is Corrie Andreacchio, and I am a proud US Army Reserve spouse. My husband, SFC Joseph Andreacchio has served for over 18 years and is a two-time combat veteran with service in support of both Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom.

As a reserve spouse, we often do not have access to on-post resources and ease of access to connect in person with other military spouses, especially those from our spouse’s unit during a time of separation. During my husband’s 2013-2014 deployment to Afghanistan, many of the soldiers were from areas that spanned as many as 600 miles from the reserve center in Reading, PA.

In the first 30 days of that separation, it was hard. I found myself scouring the Facebook posts and FRG (now SFRG) community page to find potential matches for friendship. I was fortunate to cross paths with two incredible women – Erin and Nicole. We forged a friendship that was 100% virtual. We texted, we joined each other for virtual wine nights, and we set GOALS. Goals to hold each other accountable – and when we fell short, we leaned into each other and shared tears, virtual hugs (Nicole is NOT a hugger so this worked out to her benefit), and the permission to make it a “take-out” night for dinner.

Since our husbands deployed together in 2013-2014, we have all faced at least one more deployment off-cycle from one another. This was a new hardship because there is nothing like the camaraderie of going through a deployment alongside other spouses’ at the same time. However, we were able to lean into these ideas and support each other in spite of not having the common experience.

I was lucky. This is not always the case. Many of our reserve spouses are isolated. Isolated from their military community and isolated in their local community where there is not a common understanding of the sacrifice a deployment can take on the military family.

How can we support our reserve spouses during times of separation? Be there. Call. Text. When you do not know what to say, simply ask how they are doing.

Here are some ideas to guide your support of our reserve and national guard spouses when they are not able to join and/or attend more formal spouses’ clubs or SFRG functions due to location.

1)      Flat Stanley meets Green Soldier. Go to a party store (or lean on Amazon) and send green soldiers to your circle. Family, friends, and co-workers can all get involved. Create a Facebook group where you encourage everyone to post photos with their soldiers and the adventures that they are having at home while the service member is deployed. This is a great way to capture the memories for the service member upon their return and an awesome way for non-military connected support persons to participate.

2)      Drinks and Links. You can mail your reserve spouse cut pieces of construction paper and join them on a Facetime or Zoom to create a deployment countdown calendar while enjoying your Coffee, Wine, or Mocktail. Have one in your home in addition to theirs and celebrate the removal of each link. I would suggest a deployment countdown of either weeks or months, but Nicole plans to have a caterpillar of a daily countdown in her home. Godspeed, Nicole!

(OPSEC is critical, Do not share your exact countdown information).

3)      Monthly Celebration. Did your reserve or national guard’s spouse leave on the 20th of the month? Make it a point to connect with your friend on that day. Send a greeting card, FaceTime, and have a dance party. We highly recommend Katy Perry’s ROAR.

4)      Start or rediscover a Hobby. DIY home décor, gardening, knitting, scrapbooking. Pick a hobby that you can both do together. When our husbands were deployed in 2013-2014 Erin, Nicole, and I picked up working out. We all achieved significant goals and ended the deployments working out consistently two times a day, most days. We were stronger together and sweating for that homecoming

5)      Snail mail. There is nothing more fun than receiving happy mail. However, happy mail is really rare these days. My friend, Rebekah, who I met through a military spouse non-profit as volunteers, reminded me of the power of snail mail during my husband’s 2020 unaccompanied CONUS mobilization. She was so good about sending me greeting cards, letters, stickers for my daughter, and some surprise Amazon goodies that completely turned my day around. Somehow, most likely because of her husband’s career service as an EOD with the Air Force these snail mail happy mail packages always arrived on a day I really needed them. These do not have to be elaborate. Hand write a letter, and create a masterpiece with crayons and construction paper. Being thought of is what it is all about during a time of separation.

Erin, Nicole, and I have a lasting bond built on common experiences and the ability to make time for each other during our spouse’s deployment. Soon we will be celebrating TEN YEARS of friendship simply as a result of our husband’s jobs. It is truly an extraordinary thing to know that your spouse’s job can open a door to incredible friendships for reserve spouses if you’re able to find out how to connect with them. 

Missing You, On Christmas

by 1 Comment

Missing You, On Christmas

Another Christmas and yet you are gone, across the ocean, serving our country.

We knew this was a part of the deal, and yet, that doesn’t make it any easier. You are gone, away from us, and all we want for Christmas is you.

As the days get closer to the 25th, my heart feels a little less thrilled with the idea that we are so far away from one another. There is something about this holiday, more than any other, that you should be home for. And yet I know, the military doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.

I know as a military spouse, just because I want them to be home doesn’t mean they will be. Just because I think they should be home, doesn’t mean they can be. I have to go with the flow, even if that flow hurts.

As I set up the Christmas tree, I can’t help but hold back a tear. I can’t help but think about the year before when you were here for all this. When you were right by my side as we decided on where each ornament should go.

As I set up the Christmas tree, I think about how hopefully you will be with us next year, and the year after, and the one after that. I hope and pray you never have to be over there during Christmas again. But how realistic is that type of prayer?

As I start to buy presents for our young children, I think about how you won’t be there to see them open them. To see the joy on their faces, and hear them laugh and get excited about Christmas morning.

I think about how I will make sure to record everything so that you don’t miss a thing, but you will anyway. That is just how it is. A million photos never make up for being there, no matter how many you take.

I think about how on Christmas Eve, it will just be me getting everything together. It will just be me putting the kids to bed in their cute Christmas PJs, and just me making sure the cookies and milk are out for Santa. It will just be me pouring some eggnog and watching a Christmas movie late into the night.

We will be missing you on Christmas.

As a military family, we have missed you so many times over the years. You have missed birthdays and anniversaries, and all the little things that make life special. And yet, I can’t help be feel like this is the road we have to be on. That you are a soldier, and I choose to follow you, even if it meant a Christmas away from you. Even if it meant missing you.

I think about how much you have given to this country. And how much more you will give. There will be more times apart, and more Christmases spent in different time zones.

But as I think about missing you on Christmas, I also think about how we can get through this, just like we have before.

You won’t be here for Christmas day, but we will be thinking of one another all the same. That is what we military families do. That is all we can really do when we are hit with missing each other so much.

Christmas won’t be the same, it can’t be, you are not here. But Christmas can still be special and we can still make some memories.

We are missing you on Christmas, as you are missing us. But we will get through this time apart. We always do and make it to the other side.

Feeling Strong as a MilSpouse, It Doesn’t Always Happen

by 1 Comment

“We are military spouses, we are strong, we can do anything that comes our way!”

We hear this a lot. How strong we are. How we can get through anything. And while I know we can get through so much, it isn’t always as simple as that. Sometimes military life punches us right in the gut, and that isn’t the easiest to recover from. And the last thing we might be feeling at that time is strong.

The truth of the matter is we as military spouses want to feel strong. We want to believe we can take anything that comes our way, and for the most part we do. But, it is never that simple. 

There are so many different emotions during a deployment. From sadness to excitement, to feeling strong to feeling weak. And the truth is, there is no one right way to feel. Some days you might be on the verge of tears, others you are rocking around your living room because you just hit four months down.

Don’t put the pressure on yourself to always have to feel strong. Because you won’t always feel that way. Some days you will, some days you won’t. What you can do is work to remind yourself that you can do this, no matter how long they might be away. Here is how to do that.

  • Remember what you have already been through. For me, that can be a 15-month deployment or even a short one with two young boys, and a baby. I think about all the time I have been away from my husband and how I was able to grow through that. It helps me put this current situation into perspective. 
  • Change up your routine. Sometimes all we need is to change things up. Maybe this is you deciding that every Friday will now be pizza night. Maybe it is you deciding you need to cancel a few events during the week as the burnout is hitting you hard.

Don’t worry too much about feeling or not feeling strong. Figure out how to make it through the harder days, and you will find that inner strength. You have been through things that you can look back and say, “wow I did it and I can do it again.” 

In addition to this, you can also help other spouses find their strength. You can help one another out, and help each other get to the finish line. Because sometimes when we are feeling strong, others around us are not. And we can here there to help them, just like they help us when the time comes.

Yes, military spouses are strong. We pretty much have to be. But feeling strong isn’t always possible. And sometimes that can make us feel less then.

Just remember that this is normal. Military spouse life is really a mix of emotions, and you won’t always feel like you can conquer the world. And that really is okay. I promise.

Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

by

Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

When your spouse is deployed, finding time for yourself is a lot more complicated. There is always so much to do. And, there is no way to get it all done.

You hear about practicing self-care, but that doesn’t seem possible at the moment. You are always so tired and are not sure when you could find the time to take a bubble bath or read a book. You know you need to relax but you can’t figure out how at the moment.

Breathe

The truth is, finding time for yourself during a deployment is going to take some planning. If you wait for it naturally to come to you, it probably won’t. You need to take some steps so you can figure out how you can make time for yourself.

The reality is, if you keep going and going and don’t ever stop, you will burn yourself out. You need to figure out how to help yourself, even within a crazy schedule. You need to figure out what works for you.

Self-care is very specific to each person. Some people love to get their nails done. They find doing so very relaxing. I really don’t. It’s just not my thing. But, I would love to sit at a coffee shop for hours with a good book.

The key is finding what you love and what you can do. If you have small children and a deployed spouse, you can’t just leave to go take time to yourself, you have to plan for it.

You might be able to hire a babysitter, trade babysitting with a friend, or take advantage of CDC hours.

You can also find some of that self-care time after your kids go to bed. I did this all the time during our early deployments. I would try to keep to an earlier bedtime for my kids so I had a few hours to myself before I went to bed.

Being able to make that time for myself was a must. I couldn’t imagine not doing so. Being able to somewhat relax recharged me and allowed me to be the best mom I could be, even during a deployment.

Often time, especially us moms, assume we can’t even find time to take a shower or take a short break. The truth is, some seasons will be harder to do so than others, but that doesn’t mean it is impossible to do so.

Our mental health is important, and during a deployment, we have to be really aware of how we are doing emotionally. Many military spouses are going through depression or anxiety, or both. We have to figure out ways to help get through what we are dealing with in a healthy manner.

Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

Here are some self-care resources to help:

Self-Care for MILSOs Ebook by Mrs. Navy Mama

14 Self-Care Books You Should Definitely Read This Year

Self-Care: 12 Ways to Take Better Care of Yourself

Military Child Care Programs

Let Brave Crate Get You Through a Deployment

See what you can do to change things up and give yourself permission to take time for yourself. You will be so glad you did!