Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military life

To The Military Spouse Whose Spouse Just Left For Basic

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To The Military Spouse Whose Spouse Just Left For Basic

Maybe this was the plan. You would get married, and they would leave.

Maybe this was never the plan. You have been married for five years, and now they are going to join.

Whatever the case might be, saying goodbye to your spouse going off to basic training is a big deal, filled with so many different emotions.

You might be sad, even though this was something you wanted to do too.

You might be worried, knowing that eventually, they might have to go to war.

You might be anxious, having to be alone for the first time since you have been together.

All of these feelings are normal and expected. They come with sending a spouse or even a boyfriend or girlfriend off to join the military. This season in your life is going to feel pretty complicated, but you don’t have to go through it alone.

So, to the military spouse whose spouse just left for basic, to the military spouse whose husband just left for Fort Moore, to the military spouse whose wife just left for Fort Jackson…welcome to military life.

You, as a military spouse have started a new journey. One your friends and family might not totally understand. One you might not understand.

There will be lonely nights, but there will also be love letters.

There will be days when you can’t help but cry, but there will be days when you smile with pride when you first see your soldier in uniform.

There will be times when you question if you are cut out for this, and there will be days when you know in your heart you were.

As a new military spouse, everything can feel so overwhelming. What is DEERS? Where do you go to get your first ID? When will you see your service member again?

Know that you don’t have to know everything right away. I don’t even know everything after 14 years, and there is still so much I could learn. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, which can also be a great way to get to know other people.

Stay busy. Whether it is during basic training, AIT, or a future separation or deployment. Staying busy is going to be the key.

Make friends. Be friendly, and be open to meeting new people. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, you are going to need friends in your new life.

If you are not near a duty station, join an online group, and then when you do get to your first duty station, make plans to get out there and get to know your new community.

Don’t be afraid to cry and let things out. Military life means you might have to do that sometimes. Military life means you might not be able to always keep it all together.

So, to the military spouse whose spouse just left for basic, try not to second guess your decision. The decision to follow the person you love through this new life. The decision to become a military spouse.

There will be times when you will step back with wonder of all you have seen and done since your spouse joined the military. There will be times when you can support other spouses because you have been through it too. There will be times when things don’t feel so new and so scary. I promise.

If you have children, military life means solo parenting and basic training might be your first taste of that. The idea of being both mom and dad, even for a few months can be completely overwhelming. You might never have had to solo parent before, not even for a weekend.

But you will find that you will figure out how to solo parent like a boss. You might have to throw out some of your ideas, you might have to change the way you do certain things, but you will figure out what works best for you and your kids.

That might be pizza nights every Friday with a neighbor and their kids. That might mean putting off potty training a few months until your spouse is back home with you. That might mean having to rely more on friends and family than you are used to.

Basic training is going to be your first experience as a military spouse. This season is going to be hard for both of you. Remember too, basic training is not the same as regular military life.

Once your spouse gets orders to their first duty station, you will be able to move there. Sometimes this can happen quickly, and other times, especially overseas, it can take more time. But once you get there and start to get settled, your life will feel a little more normal.

If they are not deployed, or away at training, they will probably go to work every day and be home at night. They should have weekends and holidays off, and sometimes even a three or four day weekend during the year. There will be family time and time to be a couple.

This will of course change if they do deploy or have to go away for training. You might also be apart before and after a PCS and CQ means 24-hour duty. Keep this in mind when they do leave for basic and you are feeling like you will never be able to see them again or that your life will never include anything normal again. That simply isn’t true.

So, to the military spouse whose spouse just left for basic…know, you got this.

However long they will be away from you, you got this.

However difficult this new military life journey may seem, you got this.

You are strong enough for this life, even if you have to take it one day a time. You are strong enough for when they are away at basic training, and any future deployment or separation. You are strong enough and you don’t have to go through this alone.

If you are just starting your military spouse journey, make sure to take a look at my blog posts on deployments, and posts on other parts of military life. You don’t have to walk this road alone.

When Their Job Comes First

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The Military Has to Come First

We hear so often not to put your job before family. We hear so often that you should find a family-friendly workplace. We hear so often that these things are important, and they are, they really are.

But…

For the military spouse, married to a service member, their job has to come first. Sometimes at the worst time. Sometimes at the time you really need them.

The truth of the military is that the Army, or the Navy, or the Marine Corps, or whatever the branch has to come first.

The truth is, the military shakes up your life when you don’t want anything to do with the military at that moment.

When Their Job Comes First

The truth is, your spouse might have to go, go overseas, fight in a war, and they will have to go.

No matter how much they love you.

No matter how much they want to stay.

No matter how many other times they have had to be away.

When you married your service member, you knew they would be gone, you knew they wouldn’t always be with you. But the reality that the military does come first isn’t always easy to take.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a child get diagnosed with autism.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a miscarriage or other loss.

Sometimes a deployment will come right when a spouse is trying to heal from something that they feel they need their spouse there for.

Sometimes the timing just isn’t right, but there isn’t a lot you can do about that. The job has to come first.

There are times when things can be changed. There are compassionate reassignments. Commands can hold people back for a few months from a deployment. They can send them home early in some circumstances. But none of that is promised. None of that is 100%.

And trying to come to terms with everything isn’t easy. Trying to be “okay” with the military coming first isn’t easy. Figuring out ways to get through these difficult times isn’t easy.

Here are a few things you can do to help when you know the job has to come first.

Find a good support system

Basically, find your people. Both online and IRL. Find people who support you, and love you. They will be the ones to help you through.

Remember why they joined

When you are feeling really down about everything military related, remember why they joined the military in the first place. Remember why they enlisted. Thinking about all of that can put things in perspective.

Make a detailed plan

You might be going through something you need your spouse there for, but the military has to come first. So, what will you do about it? Who will you go to instead? You will need to come up with a plan.

Figure out what will make things easier for you. That could be hiring a babysitter once a week, starting a new workout plan, or creating a list of services you can call when the need arises.

Since we are all different people, our lists might not look the same, but making a good list of how you will get through this time is important.

Remember, even though the job or the mission has to come first, there are also periods of time when the family does. Maybe this is block leave after a deployment, or having your soldier stay home a few extra weeks to be there for the birth of your baby.

There are times when they will be home early and have days off. Remembering these moments isn’t always easy, especially when you are not currently living them but, they will come again, I promise.

What is the best way to handle the disappointment of when the job has to come first? What do you do to help you through?

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

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5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

Over the years I have heard from military spouses that they are either afraid to make friends with other military spouses, because of how they assume they will be treated, or have even tried to do so and not been successful at it. That they can’t seem to find their people, or that they keep running into others that don’t seem very friendly or welcoming at all.

This sucks.

I strongly believe that you need friends to get through this military lifestyle. But I also know that it isn’t always easy to do. I know that not everyone is friendly and that finding people to connect with can be frustrating.

And maybe part of it is believing things that simply are not true? Maybe part of it is assuming things that are not true about military friendships in general?

While I do think it is possible for someone to find themselves in a place where it seems that there are no friendly people around them, I also know that there are so many of us military spouses out there that are friendly, want to connect and are not the type to insult someone they just met. Trust me. 

Maybe you won’t agree with me, maybe your experiences are very different than mine, but here are 5 myths about military friendship that simply are not true that we need to let go of to find friendship in the military community:

The Myth: Spouses are overly concerned about rank.

The Truth: Very few military spouses care what rank your spouse is.

If there is a hesitation, it is usually in good faith, when a spouse worries about being able to include you in everything. For example, if you are the wife of a higher ranking soldier, can you invite your friend, and her entire family to your son’s birthday party at your home? These kinds of situations can be a bit sticky if both of the soldiers are in the same unit.

But in the end, it doesn’t matter who your friends are, or what rank their spouse is. You friend people who you get along with and if someone does want to give you the stink eye because of it? Well, they probably wouldn’t be a good friend anyway.

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

The Myth: It’s not worth friending someone who is going to be PCSing again soon.

The Truth: It is worth it, and can lead to life-long friendships.

While it is so nice to make friends that will live near you for years and years, if you meet the right person, don’t be scared off because they have a PCS date. There are ways to stay connected over the miles if both of you are willing to do so. And you never know when you might end up at the same duty station again in the future.

The Myth: You have to make friends with people your own age.

The Truth: You can form friendships with people who are older and younger than you are.

While it is always nice to have friends around your age, befriending people who are younger or older than you are can be a good thing. You can always learn from someone who is in a different stage of life that you are in.

Don’t get stuck on the actual age of a potential friend. If you are able to connect with them, do so. You will be better for it.

The Myth: If you don’t have kids, you won’t make friends, because everyone in the military community has kids.

The Truth: Not everyone in the military community has kids.

While there are a ton of families with kids in the military community, not everyone has them. Some couples choose to stay childless, others are waiting for a few years to start having children. Some are struggling with infertility, and others have adult children no longer in the home.

There are so many different people in the military community in all different stages of life. Don’t give up on finding friends because you assume everyone is a certain way because that simply isn’t true.

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

The Myth: You won’t find anyone you can click with.

The Truth: It can take time, but you can find your people.

Finding people you click with won’t always be easy, and sometimes finding new friends can seem near impossible. But, you will be able to find your people if you keep putting yourself out there. Keep trying, be friendly, and use online resources if you need to.

I know being shy can be hard. To walk into a room full of people you don’t know and introduce yourself can be way too scary, but you can find ways to meet others that are comfortable for you.

Here are some ideas on how to work to make friends, and to find your people:

Finding Meaningful Friendships In Military Spouse Life

The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

10 Of The Best Places To Make Friends When You Are A Military Spouse

And make sure to join my blog’s Facebook group. Filled with military spouses of every branch, stationed throughout the US and OCONUS locations.

While everyone’s friendship journey is a little different, try to remember the friends you have met in the past. How did you guys connect? What bonded you?

Make sure you are putting yourself out there, and don’t give up. You can find your people.

To The Military Spouse Who Is Afraid Of The Unknown

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Not knowing what to expect is scary! I am a big planner, and I hate when things are up in the air. I want to know what is going to happen and when. And if you tell me a date for when something is supposed to happen, I want that date to stick. I don’t want the date to change.

I also want to know that everything is going to work out okay and that everything will figure itself out. Well, life, especially military life doesn’t work this way. I learned this lesson pretty quickly.

My husband re-enlisted in the Army, and he was sent to Germany. We had to wait to join him to get Command Sponsorship, which would allow me and my son to stay in Germany long term. I had been told this would take a month. In the end, we had to wait 4.5 months to join him.

Every day I would do my part to get us over there. That might be turning in paperwork or following up on some. Unfortunately, not everyone was doing the same, or so it seemed. It felt like my paperwork, that just needed a quick signature, was just sitting on someone’s desk for weeks and weeks. I didn’t understand why things were not happening the way I thought they should.

As I look back, I have to laugh. This is just what the Army does. There is paperwork, and you have to wait for it, sometimes for a very long time.

To The Military Spouse Who Is Afraid Of The Unknown

Things don’t flow the way you expect them to and plans change all the time.

My next big lesson was when my husband’s first deployment went from 9 months to 12 to 14 to 15. Our homecoming date changed so much I lost count. But in the end, my husband came home, and that deployment ended.

So to the military spouse who is afraid of the unknown, know, you are normal. A lot of us are terrified of what is going to happen next. But we have learned to understand that military life is all about the unknown.

We don’t always know when they will leave for a deployment. Will it be before or after the baby is born? We don’t know.

We don’t always know when we will PCS to our next duty station. Will it be before summer starts or after? Will we have to pull our kids out of school?

We don’t always know when our spouse will need to head for that school he has been on the list for. Will he go over Christmas? Or sometime in January?

To The Military Spouse Who Is Afraid Of The Unknown

During deployments, the fear of the unknown can take our breath away.

Will my husband come home to me? What if he is one who doesn’t? What will I do?

Will my spouse be injured? Will they come back the same person? Will I be the same person when they return?

Military life is one unknown after another. Even after you have been waiting for something and received an answer, that answer could still change.

So military spouse, try not to be afraid of the unknown. Try to embrace it.

Whether that means stepping out of your comfort zone to make friends in a place you never thought you would go or making the best of a crappy deployment. Embrace what this life gives you. From the people, you meet to the places you get to explore.

Do what you can each day that is in within your control and let the rest go. Breathe. Reach out. Don’t be afraid to try something new.

While the unknown will always be apart of your military life, you don’t have to let your fear of it take over. Remember, most things do get resolved, even if they take longer than you want them to. Deployments end, PCS orders get cut, and you will find the flexibility you need to handle all of these changes.

How you do handle the unknowns of military life???

What To Appreciate About Military Spouses

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The Friday before Mother’s Day is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. A day to recognize military spouses, and appreciate all that they do, standing by their service member.

Military spouses are not all the same, and we are all on our own military journey. Some of us are more seasoned, and have been doing this over a decade, or even over two or three. Some of us have only been doing this life for a few years, and things still feel so new.

During my time as a military spouse, there have been plenty of things I have learned to appreciate about other military spouses. There are some amazing people in this community doing such amazing things.

What To Appreciate About Military Spouses

Military Spouse Are Creative

Military spouses use their creativity for good. They start groups and clubs when there are not any around. They send care packages overseas, with all types of themes. They take lemons and turn them into lemonade, and figure out how to get through what they need to get through, during this military life.

Military Spouses Are Patient

Military spouses have to be patient, even when we really don’t want to be. We have to wait for deployments to start, wait for deployments to end. We have to wait to PCS, and those orders can take forever.

We have to wait to go home and see our families, and we have to wait for R&R. Being patient doesn’t always come easy but we do it anyway because we have to, and we want to support our spouse in their military career.

Military Spouses Are Giving

I have seen so many military spouses give their time and even money over the years. If a military spouse loses their partner overseas, the military community is there to step up. If a military spouse needs extra support, other military spouses are there to listen to them vent. When military spouses see an issue, they work to fix that issue, because they know how doing so will benefit all of us.

Military Spouses Have So Much To Offer

From volunteering for the FRG, to going back to school to further their own careers, military spouses have so much to offer. Each of us is unique and can bring our strengths to the military community. We have so much to offer, both the military community and the civilian communities we find ourselves in.

Military Spouses Are Unique

I love listening to other military spouse’s stories. We all came to this life in our own way. Some of us married in, and some of us were with our spouses when they enlisted. We come from different places, and might even speak different languages. Some of us have children, and some of us don’t.

I love how unique the military community is. We can all come together, no matter the branch, or the MOS, and know we are all in this together. We are all supporting a service member and even if we are different in other ways, we have that in common.

Think about all the things you appreciate the most about your fellow military spouses. Let me know in the comments what they are.

On This Military Spouse Appreciation Day

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Why We Celebrate Military Spouse Appreciation Day

On This Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. This started with Ronald Reagan in 1984 and is always the Friday before Mother’s Day. If you go on any of your favorite military spouse Facebook pages, you will see memes and articles about the day. Military Spouse Appreciation day is the perfect day to celebrate being a military spouse.

Military spouse, this day is for you.

Military spouse appreciation day

A day to thank you, to tell you that what you do is amazing, and to recognize those who support those who serve. While being a military spouse does not make you a member of the military, it does make you a member of the military community and one who adds such amazing value to it.

This day; it’s for us, the spouses. Those of us who walked down the aisle to a man or woman in uniform. Those of us who held our spouse’s hand as they signed the paperwork to change us from a civilian family to a military one. To those who might never have seen themselves in this role but who take it on with grace.

To us, who stand by during deployments, pcs across the country or the world, and deal with all the unique situations that come up during military life.

To the milspouses who work hard to combine their career with this spouse’s career. To those who stay at home with the children. To those who spend hours volunteering for the community so that the needs and wants of the military family get met.

Some say that we don’t need any praise, that we don’t do anything any other spouse hasn’t done. But I disagree. For me, this day is a reminder of our lives and what we all go through during the years our spouse is in the military.

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

We go months without seeing the person we love. We play both mom and dad for months at a time. We move every two to three years and then have to figure out how to start over, even in places we don’t want to be. This is not the life of a civilian but one of the military spouse.

As military spouses, we know that life is going to be filled with ups and downs.

Some years will be easier than others Some duty stations are going to be better than others. We will have a circle of friends one year and be lonely the next. But we do all of this because we married someone who wanted to serve his or her country in this way.

We stand by because we know that what they are doing is a good thing, even on the hardest of days. We might question if we can do this forever and for some of us, this military life will only be a short time in our married lives, but we know that by supporting our spouses we are supporting our country and that that is a wonderful thing.

So on this day, accept any thanks you receive. Know that what you do matters. Understand that what you go through on a daily basis is not being ignored and that is very much appreciated.

Whether you are a brand new military spouse waiting for your spouse in basic or you have been married to your sweetheart who has proudly served for 25 years, you are doing something amazing.

Happy Military Spouse Appreciation day!

When Your Spouse Wants to Join the Military, But You Are Not So Sure

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When Your Spouse Wants to Join the Military, But You Are Not So Sure

So your spouse is thinking of joining the military?

When I married my husband, the Army was a part of his past. He had served in the military when he was younger, and that was before my time. He had stories and photos, and that was about it. We were married as civilians and started our life together.

But the funny thing about life is you never know where you might end up. You never know where the road might take you. And even though I married my husband not thinking about being a military spouse, a few years later, that’s exactly what I became.

After being married for over three years, my husband re-joined the Army, and we became a military family. Everything seemed to change when that happened. Everything about our future, our children and future children, and how our life would play out changed.

Now, some military spouses marry their service member after they have already joined the military. Some get married right when they joined. But there are many of us who were with their service member before they decided to join.

You may be in a place where your spouse or partner is thinking about joining the military. And this is making you a bit nervous. They want to join the military but you are not totally sure. The military is a whole new world and you could be having a few reservations about the decision to join.

This is totally normal. Joining the military can lead to some major changes in your life. When your spouse signs up for the military, you might have to move far away, you might have to find a new job, and your life might feel like it has been turned upside down.

The truth is, if you are already together before the military, you both need to be a part of the decision to join. You need to have discussions about what joining will mean, and how life might have to change. Because, yes, life is going to change.

Here are a few things you can do if your spouse has decided they want to join the military or if they are starting to ask questions about the process:

Ask your questions

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. You might have some fears or worries about what military life will be like, and it is best to seek out answers. The more you know about what you are getting into, the better.

Have some serious discussions about what your spouse has in mind when they join the military. Will this be a big career change or something they want to try for a few years? Sometimes, they might not even know but feel they need to at least try it to find out.

Remember, everyone’s military life looks different

Before my husband joined the military, I thought I had an idea of what our years as a military family would look like. But I never could have predicted the reality.

You can talk to other military spouses about their experiences to get an idea of what to expect, but keep in mind that your reality might be different. Even the amount of times your spouse will be deployed during a given amount of time can be all over the place based on what is going on in the world, your spouse’s job in the military, and where they are stationed.

You are stronger than you think

One of the biggest lessons I have learned as a military spouse of almost 16 years is that I am much stronger than I think I am. When this whole journey started, I didn’t think I could ever be a solo parent. I found the idea impossible.

But I realized quickly that what once has seemed impossible was actually possible. Is it always easy? No, solo parenting is very challenging and some days, it does feel impossible. But us military spouses get through those times. We have to.

So while you might fear that you are not capable of this, you might actually be able to get through the challenging parts of military life. We rarely feel we can conquer the mountains of military life, but we do.

Plan to make friends

If your spouse does go on to join the military, plan to make friends. You will need them. These other spouses who get how a deployment might go, or what moving every three years is really like.

As you join the military community you will be able to find mentors and other seasoned spouses who have been there. You will be able to connect with others and find your own “battle buddies.” You will make memories with these other military spouses, and they will become the best part of your military life.

Take it all day by day

In many parts of military life, you will have to take things day by day. This starts from day one when they leave for basic training.

There is so much to this life, and so many changes, that each day can be different from the next.

Try not to sweat all the small things, and look forward to the future. There are so many amazing parts to being a military spouse. Military life is truly the good mixed with the bad.

If your spouse wants to join the military, take this request seriously. Talk things over, and see if this is something you can support your spouse on.

Each family is different, and joining the military might not be the best choice for every family. But if you and your spouse decide that joining is the right choice, know you have a big community of other military spouses out there to help you through. You got this!

The Reality of Raising Children Away From Family

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The Reality of Raising Children Away From Family

When your spouse joins the military, one of the things you have to be okay with is raising your children away from family. You won’t always be stationed close to home. You might be across the country, or even the ocean from everything you have ever known. This can be hard to adjust to and even harder to accept.

The reality of raising children away from family can feel so upsetting sometimes. If you have an idea in your head of what type of role your family has when you have your own children, there can be a lot of disappointment. The truth is, you never really know how this will make you feel and sometimes it doesn’t feel good.

I have always wanted to get away from home. About two months after high school graduation, I moved about nine hours away to go to college. This wasn’t because I hated my family, but I wanted to get out and explore. I wanted to experience life in different places. I wanted to “see the world” as much as I could.

Before my husband re-joined the Army, we moved from California to Kentucky with a six-month-old. Back then, I didn’t think much about what this meant as far as raising children away from family. I didn’t think about how difficult that would sometimes be or what we would be giving up by moving away.

Once my husband joined the army, we didn’t have as much of choice. We ended up in Germany and then Fort Campbell. These days, the Army can’t keep us. My husband is in the National Guard and technically could switch to a different state. However, there are a lot of reasons why moving back near family simply isn’t possible for us right now.

The Reality of Raising Children Away From Family

We are the part of the family that lives far away.

We are the ones the others don’t see too often. We are the ones that miss the birthday parties, the get-togethers, and the day to day lives of our family members. This is something so many military families can relate to as well.

When you are raising children away from family, you know that the people that are most special to you will miss out on certain parts of their childhood. You know that there are always pictures and video, but they can never replace being there in person. You try your best to keep everyone involved, but even through doing that, it isn’t the same as being there.

When you are raising children away from family, you must depend on friends and pay babysitters vs asking family to help watch your kids.

In the midst of solo parenting, this becomes a bigger challenge. What if you just need someone to watch your kids so you can breathe? Is that really something you can ask a friend to do? To pay a sitter to do? This part of being away from family can be difficult, and I envy my friends who have family nearby who can be there to step in for childcare needs.

When you are raising children away from family, the distance can make it difficult for your kids to know all of your family members the way you would want them to. Connecting across the miles isn’t always easy. Everyone is living busy lives and unless you take the time to schedule out calls and video chats on a regular basis, years can go by without talking.

While staying connected to grandma might be easy, staying connected to other family members is a lot more difficult. Your kids don’t get to have regular get-togethers and times with these people. Unless you can travel home often, too much time can go by without seeing one another.

The Reality of Raising Children Away From Family

There is hope though. Just because you are a military family doesn’t mean you have to say goodbye forever. 

For one thing, there is always the chance that you will be stationed near your family. There are plenty of military families that live within a couple of hours from home. They travel there on long weekends, every holiday, and the divide isn’t so great.

If you are stationed overseas, or across the country from your family, this can give them a reason to visit you. You can play tourist and show them around. You can make memories you otherwise wouldn’t have made had you never left home.

When you live far away from family, you gain some independence you wouldn’t otherwise have. Friends become like family, and you learn how to have quiet holidays without a lot of the stress. There is something to be said for this type of life.

You can visit, as much as you can.

And although visiting will never be the same as living close, seeing your family on a regular basis can be an excellent way to bridge that divide. And if you can’t visit often right now, that could change as the years go by.

When you are raising children away from family, there are so many times you are going to feel left out. That you are going to feel that your kids are missing out. That you are going to wonder if you made the right decision to leave, even if that decision was made because of the military.

The best thing to do is look at everything you have and everything your kids have gained since you left. Focus on the positives of living away from home instead of the negatives.

Think about how your children have been to castles in Europe and have seen the Roman Colosseum. Think about the friends who became like family, that will always be in your life. Think about the quiet moments that have bonded you all together, that might not have happened as often had you stayed.

And remember, life can change as life often does. The way you are living your life right now can be completely different in a few years. If you want to be close to home again, see if your spouse can be stationed in your home state. Invite family to visit. Take more trips. And always make sure to connect over the miles, even if life seems too busy to do so.

How far away do you live from your family? What do you do to stay connected?