Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military spouse

6 Tips for a Simpler Holiday Season When Your Spouse is Away

by

6 Tips for a Simpler Holiday Season When Your Spouse is Away

6 Tips for a Simpler Holiday Season When Your Spouse is Away

Tis the season to be busy, really busy. And while busy is good when your spouse is away, you don’t want to overdo things. I know for myself, I hate that overwhelmed feeling that comes from being too busy. Stepping back a little and changing things up can help you have a better holiday season without your spouse by your side.

Here are six tips for a simpler holiday season when your spouse is away:

1. Do what is important to your kids and family

It can be easy to feel like you need to do what everyone else is doing for the holidays, but you don’t. Do what works for you and your family and what you can handle. Do not feel guilty about the rest of it.

6 Tips for a Simpler Holiday Season When Your Spouse is Away

2. Don’t feel like you have to travel

If the thought of taking you and your three kids across the country for the holidays is too overwhelming, don’t feel like you have to do so. Ask people to come to you or have a smaller Christmas in your own home. Traveling during the holidays can be hectic anyway so don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel like you are up for the challenge this year. You can always plan a trip for sometime after your spouse gets home.

3. Cook what you will eat

Did your mom always make a green bean casserole and although you never like it very much, you feel the need to make it for your own holiday meal? Well, don’t. Only make what you and your kids will eat. If you are having people over, find out what their favorite foods are. Don’t just make something because you always have. Cut down your grocery list and stick to what you love.

6 Tips for a Simpler Holiday Season When Your Spouse is Away

4. Go out to eat

If you feel like you don’t even want to cook for the holidays, go out to eat instead. We have even had meals at the DEFAC. Not the best food but hey, we didn’t have to cook. You can also order meals from places like Cracker Barral and Kroger.

5. Start shopping ahead of time

Start your Christmas shopping ahead of time and don’t forget about shipping dates overseas. If you and your spouse agree, why not postpone some of the holidays until when they get back? You could send a fun holiday package and then open bigger gifts together later. Look for sales and don’t forget about Black Friday.

6. Have your kids help

If your kids are old enough, have them help. Ask them to put the ornaments on the tree, help with other decorations, or even with shopping for extended family members. Your kids can step in a little bit, so not everything falls on you.

While going through the holidays without your spouse is frustrating, making the holidays a bit simpler can help. In the end, make fun plans for you and your kids and don’t stress about the small stuff. You can still have an enjoyable holiday, even if your spouse is overseas or across the country because of the military.

Life As A Military Spouse In 17 Memes

by

Life As A Military Spouse In 17 MemesLife As a Military Spouse In 17 Memes

Life as a military spouse can be quite the journey. Through deployments, pcsing places you want and don’t want to go, and finding lifelong friends you couldn’t live without. Here is your life as a military spouse in 17 memes.

Life As A Military Spouse

So true. Sometimes military life sucks, but that doesn’t mean you don’t like being a part of the military community. Make the best of what you have, work hard to get through the difficult days, and make friends with other spouses to help you through.

 

Life As A Military Spouse

Yes! That time apart, it will make you stronger, which is a good thing.
While deployments are difficult, you can change for the better as you go through them.

Life As A Military Spouse

Deployment and its phases. Make your way through them until you get to #5, homecoming day.

Journals are the best. Journaling during a deployment can be quite therapeutic.

Life As A Military Spouse

If you hate where you live, try something new.
Changing things around might just help get you into a better place emotionally!

Life As A Military Spouse

Will we ever get rid of all of those things? Probably not.

Life As A Military Spouse

So true. Use that time to figure out what your strengths and weaknesses are during time apart. Then you will be better equipped when they do deploy.

Life As A Military Spouse

Yes! Military spouses do need to be aware of money, how to pay bills, and all of that. It is so important.

Life As A Military Spouse

Oh, the 4-day weekend. Those are the best!

Life As A Military Spouse

A handwritten letter is fantastic! Whether you are the one writing one or receiving one.

Life As A Military Spouse

Make sure to always be working on your marriage, even when they are gone.

You can use this for anything. Do what you can, then try to stop worrying about it.
Tomorrow could be a much better day.

Life As A Military Spouse

Yes! We are all of those things, or at least we try to be.

Life As A Military Spouse

Oh that Commissary on payday! Stay away, stay far away.

Life As A Military Spouse

We military spouses, we do what we have to do. Even if we didn’t think we could.

Life As A Military Spouse

Yes, it is. Use your PCS to discover something new about yourself, and create new memories in your new home.

Life As A Military Spouse

Yep, exactly. Sometimes the water will be calm, sometimes you will have to battle the waves.

Being a military spouse isn’t always easy. This life is complicated. But we spouses do what we have to do to get through. And from everything, we become stronger and can grow as a person.

How long have you been a military spouse?

When The Deployment Orders Come

by

When The Deployment Orders Come

I remember the day so clearly, even though it has been over 11 years. Hearing the news that my husband was, in fact, going to deploy. That the deployment orders had been cut and that he would be leaving in about a month. His first combat deployment. My first deployment as his spouse.

After months of the back and forth, the rumors of when and if they were going to go, of wondering what the future would bring, deployment orders were finally cut.

Now, as a military spouse, I had to figure out how I was going to deal with all of this. How was I going to make it through? I had a toddler, I was pregnant, and I was pretty far from home. I had to get through this one way or another, even if I wasn’t sure how I was going to do so at that moment.

When The Deployment Orders Come

When deployment orders come, the first reaction is to have a major freak out. You might cry, you might get angry, you might feel like you have lost everything.

Then, you start asking questions. How long will they be gone? Where will they be going? Will we get to talk to one another? How often?

You start to figure out how you are going to get through all of this. Should you go home for the deployment? Should you stay? What about the kids? Is this the right time to start preschool?

You get sad because you start to think about what they will miss when they are gone. Your 30th birthday, your son’s first day of kindergarten, the birth of your 3rd child. You wonder how you will document all those events enough to make them feel like they are there, knowing nothing you can do will replace them being there in person.

When The Deployment Orders Come

You think about your friends, you figure out how to find new ones, and maybe just maybe you decide to give your FRG a try. Afterall, these other spouses will be going through the same thing as you; you have to find a friend among them, right?

You want to tell everyone he is leaving, but you know you can’t. And even if you could you are not sure you are ready for all the questions and worried comments from others. You want their support; you don’t want their pity.

A few days go by, and you realize that you can, in fact, make it through this big hurdle called deployment.

Others have done so; maybe you have even done so in the past. You start making deployment bucket lists, you start setting things up, you start figuring out what you need to get through.

When The Deployment Orders Come

You watch as your spouse starts to buy things for the deployment. You watch as they pack their bags, trying to hold back a tear. You take family photos, go on one last-minute trip, and try to think positively about them leaving.

And then the day before they deploy is here. You can’t believe this is happening. Deployments get canceled, right? You wonder if that would ever happen to you.

You have one last dinner, one last bedtime, one last night together.

You wake up, the day they deploy, knowing they have to go. Knowing this is real. Feeling numb throughout the whole thing. And then, you drop them off, you say goodbye, and the countdown begins.

So many military spouses have gone through all of this before. As soon as those deployment orders come, you start to figure out what is next and how you will get through. The good news is that you can find support, you are not the only military spouse going through a deployment, and that you will figure out how to make it through, even if it is just one day at a time.

What has helped the most after you found our your spouse received orders to deploy? What is your best deployment tip?

When The Deployment Orders Come

Tips For The Stay At Home Mom, Whose Spouse Doesn’t Come Home Every Night

by

Tips For The Stay At Home Mom, Whose Spouse Doesn't Come Home Every Night

Tips For The Stay At Home Mom, Whose Spouse Doesn’t Come Home Every Night

When my son was a baby, I was a stay at home mom with a civilian husband. He came home at the same time every night. He didn’t go on business trips, he didn’t go away on trainings, he never deployed.

All that changed when he joined the Army in November of 2005. Since he had been in the military before, he didn’t have to redo basic and went right off to Germany. My life changed entirely when that happened.

When I got over to Germany 4.5 months later, I got pregnant with my second little boy, and my husband deployed when I was 25 weeks along. Over the next few years, he would be gone more than he was home and I tried to make the best of this type of life.

As a stay at home mom, I couldn’t wait until he came home every night. Some days were very long, especially when it was just a baby and me. However, when he joined the military and then when he was deployed no one was coming home every night. It was just my kids and me for days, weeks, and months in a row.

Tips For The Stay At Home Mom, Whose Spouse Doesn't Come Home Every Night

How does one get through this? What is the best thing to when you are a stay at home mom whose spouse doesn’t come home every night?

Go somewhere every day

As a stay at home mom, it is a good idea to go somewhere every day. As a stay at home with a spouse who isn’t home, it is even more important. You want to get out of the house, even if it is just for an hour or two. If you truly have nowhere to go, take a walk, go to a playground, and do something. Getting out will help break up the day and help wear out your kids.

Early bedtimes

Early bedtimes are your friend. If you can get your kids to bed early, you will have a much easier night. Not only will this give you time to yourself but it makes the whole evening pass a lot quicker. Make dinner, feed them, get them ready for bed, and you have finished another day.

Get your me time in, it’s important

Your me time during a deployment is very important. It doesn’t matter how you spend that time. Some people like to watch tv, others read or work on another hobby. Enjoy the quiet hours when your kids are sleeping, and you truly have time to yourself.

Tips For The Stay At Home Mom, Whose Spouse Doesn't Come Home Every NightInvite friends over

When I was in Kentucky, and my husband was in Germany, I made friends with another mom whose husband worked very late on Tuesday nights. She would invite us all over that night so we could hang out and have dinner together. This was an excellent way to get through the nights alone. The kids can play, the moms can talk. It was perfect.

Talk to your friends

During one deployment, a friend and I always got online to chat after our kids went to bed. Sure, we were also waiting for our husbands to get online too, but if they never did, we still had someone to talk to. It helps to have a friend to vent to, talk about your day with, and be there for. Even if they don’t live near you. Modern technology makes that possible.

Being both mom and dad to your kids can be quite challenging. You don’t have someone to take over for you after a long day, you don’t have another adult in the house to talk with at night, and you have to keep going even when you don’t want to. But hopefully, these tips can help!

Remember, deployments don’t last forever, and your spouse will eventually return and your solo parenting days will be over, at least for a while.

What are your best tips for surviving as a stay at home mom when your spouse is deployed? 

5 Challenges of Being a Military Spouse Married to a Member of the National Guard or the Reserves

by

5 Challenges of Being a Military Spouse Married to a Member of the National Guard or the Reserves

I spent almost 9 years as an active duty army wife, and now it has been over three years since I became a National Guard spouse. I feel like on some levels I have seen both sides. On the other hand, because we live right outside Fort Campbell, a very military town, my life looks a little different from other National Guard and Reserve spouse life.

However, I know that there are some pretty specific struggles and challenges that affect these military spouses. Ones in which active duty spouses might not understand. Ones in which civilian friends might not understand.

5 Challenges of Being a Military Spouse Married to a Member of the National Guard or the Reserves

Here are some of the struggles and challenges of military spouses married to a member of the National Guard or the Reserves:

Not being seen as a military spouse

Being a National Guard or Reserve spouse can make you feel like less than in a sea of other spouses. Our spouses have civilian jobs. Ones that don’t usually require a military uniform. This can be a difficult place to be in as not everything we read about military life applies to us.

For many, the idea of shopping at the Commissary isn’t even something they think much about, the closest one could be a day’s drive away. There is no on-post childcare to take advantage of, and the FRG might be really hard to find, if they even have one. It can be difficult to even find a place within the military spouse online community when National Guard or Reserves life feel so different from what is being portrayed.

5 Challenges of Being a Military Spouse Married to a Member of the National Guard or the Reserves

Being so far from the military community

Being so far from the military community can be difficult too, especially during a deployment. For many, they might be the only military spouse they know in real life. They are the only ones missing their husband, in a town full of people who just don’t quite understand what that is like.

The advice is to reach out and try to see if there is anyone else in their area with a spouse who serves. And if they can’t find anyone, look online. But even there, most of the groups and pages focus around active duty life. It can be difficult to truly find your people when your numbers are smaller than others.

The truth is, there are plenty of National Guard and Reserves spouses that are looking for community just like you are. They are feeling lonely and also feel that they will never find anyone else who gets it. You are not alone in this at all.

Questioning if programs and discounts apply to them too

When you hear about a military spouse program, or even a military discount, you always have to question if it applies to you too. Not all programs and discounts are for those in the National Guard or Reserves. Some are just for active duty. And knowing this makes us have to question every single one before we apply or ask for the discount.

5 Challenges of Being a Military Spouse Married to a Member of the National Guard or the Reserves

Drill weekend is lonely, and its okay to say so

Drill weekends are lonely, and usually, that is when Murphy decides to come to the home. Without fail, something always breaks when they are gone. Drill weekends are usually when we have the most activities going on that we could use our spouse home for. Drill weekends get lonely sometimes too.

And while yes, there are benefits to having a weekend alone now and then, it’s okay for a National Guard or Reserves spouse to miss their husband or wife when they are gone. Yes, we are all aware that others have had to be away from their spouses for longer.

The truth is, whether you are married to someone who is active duty or in the National Guard or Reserves, they are going to have to deploy sometimes. And sometimes those deployments are long. They will also go away for trainings and schools, for weeks and sometimes months at a time.

Active duty doesn’t have the claim on missing their spouses. All military spouses experience that at one time or another, and it is best to support one another through it instead of telling another spouse their husband or wife isn’t gone long enough to miss them.

Not quite fitting in at home either

While it can be difficult to fit in with the military community, it can also be difficult to fit in with the civilian one. When your spouse is in the National Guard or the Reserves, they are still serving. They are still apart of that 1%. And sometimes it can be difficult to fit in with people who don’t know anything about that life.

This feeling of not quite fitting in at home can be difficult and frustrating. The best thing to do is to look at your civilian friends and find something in common. Maybe one of them has a spouse that goes away on business trips all the time, maybe another has a spouse with another type of dangerous job. There is common ground there and there are ways to connect, even through your differences.

As a military community, we are stronger together. Whether we are married to someone on active duty, someone in the National Guard or Reserves, or someone that is retired. We can all learn from one another, and help each other through.

Are you married to someone in the National Guard or the Reserves? How long have they been serving?

The Best Deployment Blog Posts To Help You During Deployment

by

I have been a military spouse blogger for eleven years now. During all this time I have connected with so many other bloggers out there. Some of them are other Army wives, and others are from other branches. Some have had similar experiences to me, and others have had very different ones.

Over the years, I have learned from them as I have gone down my own military spouse road. They offer some pretty amazing advice and can help you through anything military life throws at you. From an extra-long deployment to a PCS to a place you never wanted to go.

If you have just started a deployment, you might not know what to do or even where to go for advice. The good news is that there are a lot of places you can go to find what you need. You have your FRG, although the FRG doesn’t always work out for everyone. You also have your friends who have gone through a deployment too. But sometimes all of their spouses are home as you try to make sense of yours being away.

The next place to look is online. The internet is filled with websites, blogs, and videos all about deployment. I asked some of my military spouse blogger friends about their top posts on deployments:

I hope that you can find the advice you need for your own deployment through the words of these amazing writers and bloggers:

T. T. Robinson tells the story of her husband deploying, the father of her children, in the midst of a hurricane with More Than a Hundred Sleeps: A Father Deploys. If you have ever started a deployment with children, you should be able to relate to how hard it can be for a father to say goodbye.

Jen from Jen McDonald has the post, 15 Bible Verses for Military Spouses Facing Deployment or Separation. This post gives us Bible verses to think and reflect on during time away from our spouse. Whether you are religious or not, these verses can bring some comfort to you.

The Best Deployment Blog Posts To Help You During Deployment

Amanda from Airman to Mom has a post, 31 Days of Deployment Stories. She is sharing deployment stories to help encourage and inspire you through your own deployments. Hearing stories from others is one of the best ways to remember that you are truly not alone in what you are going through.

NextGenMilspouse gives us a post, Why I Don’t ‘Just Move Home’ During a Deployment. This post is the guest contributor Kimmie Fink’s response to people, including her own husband, who tell her to “just move home” during a deployment. While moving home is a personal decision, most spouses do decide to stay for a variety of reasons.

Amber, from Airing My Laundry, gives us her own reasons for not moving home in Why I Didn’t “Go Home” When My Husband Deployed. From liking her own things to not wanting her kids to leave their schools, there are a lot of good reasons to stay.

Lizann from The Seasoned Spouse, talks about Things I DIDN’T Do This Deployment in her post. From decorating care packages to not making a homecoming sign. Sometimes it feels like we have to do all the things in order to be a real military spouse, but that simply isn’t true.

Make sure to visit some of my own deployment resources as well. From my deployment posts to my Facebook group. You can also sign up for my mailing list to receive a Free Guide for The First 30 Days of a Deployment.

Remember, you are not in this alone, and there are a lot of people out there that want to help you get through your deployment too. 

What is your favorite deployment resource?

Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

by

Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

Have you ever been mad at the military? I know I have. What is the best thing to do in that situation? Venting about it to my friends can help, but in the end, there is nothing anyone can do to help my situation. The Army did what the Army does, and there isn’t anything I can do to change that.

So out comes my journal, and I write all about how angry I am at the Army, how unfair I feel this decision was, and how I wish things were better. No one will ever read what I wrote, and I feel better about dealing with the situation.

Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

Other times, especially during a deployment, I have missed my husband so much I couldn’t get it together. Out came my journal, and I started to write. I let everything out. How sad I was, how frustrated I was, how I wish things were different.

Sitting down with my journal is very therapeutic. Just to get things out, to write out what I am feeling, to express myself in that way, it helps.

There are many different tips about how to get through a deployment, writing in a journal is one of them and with good reason. There are so many benefits to doing so.

Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

Writing in a journal can help with your stress and anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety, you know how it can be hard to get others to understand. Your journal doesn’t judge. Your journal lets you talk about what is going on, even if you feel you are alone in what you are struggling with.

Writing in a journal can help you put things in perspective. Sometimes what we most worry about can be dealt with by thinking about the big picture. A journal can help you see what that is.

Writing in a journal is relaxing. You can make journal writing apart of your routine. Grab a cup of coffee, grab your journal, and write a little before your kids wake up or get home from school. Pull out your journal before bed each night. Your journal can become a comfort item for you.

Writing in a journal allows you to record your days. Having a record of your day to day can be fun. As your children grow up, you can look back at what life was like two years ago, five years, or even ten. Journaling can also be a good way to remember what happened when your spouse was gone so you can share with them later.

Writing in a journal allows you to reflect on what you have been through. Since I have journaled through every deployment, I can look back at the first week, the first month, how I felt after R&R, or even how I felt that last week. Reading back reminds me how difficult things were and what I was able to accomplish when my husband was gone.

Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

When I went to see a counselor during our 4th deployment, she told me to journal three pages every day to help. And that is what I tried to do. Writing in my journal was the best way to get my stress and anxiety out. I tried to do that to get myself in a better place, and journaling helped get me there.

I am a big fan of paper journals. There are so many cute ones out there and picking a new one is always a fun thing to do. Other people keep a journal on their computers. It doesn’t matter. Just find a way that works for you.

If you have never journaled before, give it a try. You might find it works well and can help you through your next deployment. No one will read what you write, and no one will judge you for what you have to say.

Do you keep a journal???

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

by

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

There is never such a thing as a good deployment. I don’t think very many spouses jump for joy when they hear the news their soldier will have to deploy. There is a lot of sadness that comes with the news. However, there can be deployments and there can be really bad deployments.

Some deployments are really bad because they are too long.

Some deployments are really bad because more than a few people lose their life or come home injured.

Some deployments are really bad because they come at the worst possible time for that particular family. Whether it is because of a child or a marriage or something else.

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

 

Some deployments are really bad because you don’t feel emotionally ready for them to begin.

Some deployments are really bad because you never thought that this deployment would happen.

Whatever the reason, starting a really bad deployment can hit you emotionally. These deployments can cause a lot of pain and tears.

So what do you do if you are in this situation?

What should you do when the orders have been cut, you know when they are leaving, and you feel like you just can’t deal with everything?

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

1) Find a battle buddy. You need one. It doesn’t have to be someone who is also going through a deployment but that can help. Find someone you can call at 11 pm at night because your 2-year-old has a 104 fever and you need someone to watch your three other kids.

Find someone you can go to coffee with. Find someone who will not judge you and you will walk with you through the whole deployment. If you are new or all your friends moved away, go places where you can meet people. MOPS, PWOC, FRG, book club or even the gym are perfect places to make new friends.

2) Start to see a counselor. This is what I had to do. I had never been to one before but when I felt the floor falling underneath me at the thought of my husband deploying again, I knew I had to go.

You can easily do this through Tricare. They pay for at least eight visits, maybe more. Go to Military One Source for more information. Don’t feel any shame in this at all. Sometimes we just need someone to talk to about everything going on in our lives.

3) Make plans. Fill up your calendar. Plan a trip, plan a visit home, plan to start classes or something else you have always wanted to do. You are going to need to stay busy. The busier you are, the better things will be. If you can have things in place before they even leave, all the better.

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

4) Cry when you need to. I think sometimes Military spouses feel they need to be strong every hour of every day. The truth is, we need to let it out sometimes.

After the kids go to bed, have a good cry, write in your journal, grab a glass of wine and turn on a fun movie. It is okay to be sad about this. Deployments are hard and they are not any fun. Cry when you need to. Doing so will be good for you.

Deployments can be hard on people. They can seem too overwhelming and something you wish would just go away. The fact is, if you are married to someone in the Military, they will be part of your life eventually. The best thing to do when faced with one is get prepared as much as you can. Hopefully, these tips can help you get ready for your next time of separation.

What would you add to this list?