When Deployments Don’t Get Any Easier
I couldn’t believe he was leaving again. Just two weeks before we had thought that he wasn’t going to go. Now he was and it was time to say goodbye…read more.
military wife
For the Military Spouse
For the Military Spouse…
For the spouse who is getting ready for her first deployment…
For the spouse who is getting ready for his fifth deployment…
For the spouse who has to tell his kids, that mommy misses them…
For the spouse who can’t wait until bedtime to have a good cry and some me time…
For the spouse who writes letter after letter and stands in very long lines to send a package over there…
For the spouse who has to take a back seat to a very demanding career…
For the spouse that loves being a SAHM while her husband serves in the military…
For the spouse that works her own career right along with her husband…
For the spouse who served in the past…
For the spouse who currently serves too…
For the spouse who can’t sleep a wink the night before homecoming…
For the spouse who has to drive her husband back to the airport, kiss him goodbye and figure out how to get through the rest of a deployment after R&R…
For the spouse who sits in a lonely house waiting for a phone call…
For the spouse who gets on an airplane alone with her three young children just to take them to Grandma’s for the summer…
For the spouse who gathers with friends to get through a deployment…
For the spouse that has to say goodbye to friends to move to a new duty station…
For the spouse, that has to make new friends…
For the spouse who gets a phone call that something went wrong…
For the spouse worried about the knock on the door…
For the spouse that has received a knock on the door…
For the spouse that doesn’t want to be a military spouse anymore…
For the spouse that doesn’t ever want her husband to leave the military…
For the spouse that is counting down the days until he will ETS…
For the spouse that is on the other side of the country from everything she has ever known…
For the spouse that was able to stay close to home for her husband’s first assignment…
For the spouse who has trouble making friends…
For the spouse who stays behind when everyone else is moving away…
For the spouse who has to stay behind so her son can finish high school…
For the spouse who gives birth without her husband…
For the spouse that grew up in the military…
For the spouse who never thought the military would be a part of her life…
For every spouse from every time period. You are amazing. You do great things. You are stronger than you think you are. You are one of the few and without you, the military would be a very different type of place. You do things others never have to think about. You cry, you vent, you laugh and you smile. You do the best that you can so that you can support your spouse.
Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Month!
What To Think About Before You Marry Someone In The Military
What To Think About Before You Marry Someone In The Military
Whatever situation you are in or whatever situation you have been in, you did have to make the decision to become a military spouse. You had to decide that YES, you wanted to spend your life with someone who is in the military. That YES, you wanted to become his wife or her husband which meant becoming a military spouse and everything that would include.
So, what does being married to someone in the military mean? What would life be like to marry your boyfriend who is now a soldier? What does it mean when your husband of five years wants to join the Marines? What would it mean to marry the person you are in love with knowing that marrying them meant moving across the country and living as a military spouse?
Here are some things you need to think about when trying to make this decision:
Saying Goodbye Will Be A Part Of Your Life
No matter who you are or what type of military spouse you are, you will have to say goodbye and often. You will have to sleep alone. You will have to wait for orders and your future. This is all a part of military life. How long they are gone and how often they will go can vary but the truth is, you will have to say goodbye to your spouse on a regular basis. If you can’t even imagine that being a part of your life, you are going to have a difficult time as a military spouse.
You Will Have To Be Away From Home
If your spouse is going to be going Active duty, you most likely will have to move away from home. In some cases, you can try to stay if your home is near a military installation or if your spouse does some type of duty that allows him to live close by to where you are from. However, in most cases, you will not be able to stay there for their entire career and you will have to move away. You could end up across the country, across the world or just the next state over. You never really know and sometimes you don’t get a say, especially as they move up in rank.
The Kid Thing
Ahh, kids. When you are thinking about the future and having kids, do you think about how your spouse might not be there? It’s a sad reality that they might miss your pregnancy, the birth and the 1st year. They could miss the terrible 2s or kindergarten. They could miss out on so much and sometimes there is nothing you can do about that but accept that. Can you handle that? Some people don’t think they can. I thought I could and it was harder than I could have ever imagined. For some military couples, they don’t plan to have kids while in the military. Their plan is to have them later on in life and that is an option as well. However, a lot of people don’t want to wait on kids and many military families have them during those years when the service member might not always be home. You need to be prepared for that.
The “D” Word
Your spouse might deploy for just a few months at a time. They might deploy for a year. They might have to deploy too often or get frustrated that they are not able to go and do their job. Deployments are rough. From the pre-deployment stage to after they come home and everyone tries to get back to normal life. If there are no deployments there will be trainings or other reasons they have to go away for weeks or months at a time. There is no way around that.
The Community
I have talked about the hard parts of military life. The parts that make it difficult to want to commit to this life. The reasons some people get out of the military before they thought they would. But what about the good things about military life? The community of military spouses that you will become a part of. The thing is, as hard as life gets, you won’t be alone in going through them. Many other spouses would have gone through what you are going to have to go through. Many spouses get that and can offer a listening ear. You will make some of your closest friends as military spouses. Friends that will help you through solo parenting, deployments, pcsing and even retirement.
Is It Worth It?
Is military life worth it? Is your love worth it? Only you can answer that. Only you know what you can handle and what you can’t. I will tell you that if in your heart of hearts that you know you should be with this person, you should be with them whether that includes military life or not. That is a special kind of love and you don’t want to walk away from it because you are scared of the future or what military life is really going to be like.
Are you a new military spouse? Are you dating a service member?
What are you most worried about when it comes to committing to military life?
You Sent Them To War, Don’t Cut Our Benefits
Military cuts are in the news these days and they sting when they hit close to home. Sometimes I get really angry about it. From my limited understanding and after being a military spouse for the last ten years it seems like there are other places they could cut. I wonder why they even go after programs that can help military families? We are the ones that are supporting our service member. We are the ones waiting back at home while they complete their mission. If you send them to war, why do you think it is okay to cut our benefits?
If it was up to me I would ensure that every military family has what they need. When it comes to the people I want to vote for, I look for those that want these things too. They are important to me as a military spouse and I think they are important to you too.
Good Medical Care
I know how hard it can be to find good and affordable health insurance but one of the benefits of being in the Military is that you do get healthcare for you and your family and for good reason. If you are off in a war zone, you want to know your family is going to be taken care of. The problem is, cuts always seem to come to Tricare and they hurt. Currently, they want to cut ABA. Not good. We used ABA for our son and we were so thankful for that care. I hate that people think they should be cutting those services. It’s also frustrating to hear when people have trouble getting help for their kids or care for themselves because of different cuts that have been happening. Military families should not have to worry about healthcare.
Good Schools
All military children should have access to good schools. Whether this means on post or off post. If the schools in the area around post are not a good place to send a child, there should be a way for parents to take their children to the on post schools. I think parents should feel good about the schools their kids are able to go to. On post schools should be very aware of who their students are. Switching zoning around every year is simply not a good idea. Military kids move often anyway, why make them change schools in between a tour? I have heard stories of situations happening in on post schools and it doesn’t make a lot of sense why they are doing what they do. Our experience with off post schools has been good overall here but that isn’t always the case with military families. Having a lot of resources that can help military families find the right school is a good thing.
Good Support
Hearing that services like the MWR or ACS are being cut makes me sad. Military spouses and families need extra support, especially during deployments. We need access to events to pass the time, places to learn and childcare. That can help the spouse get through a challenging time as well as providing a place to make new friends. While there are other ways to make friends and find support in the military community, it is a good thing to have these services for spouses and I hate to see them being cut because of lack of funds. This makes me think that those who are in charge of what is being cut have no idea what these services can do for military spouses.
Good Housing
All military families should be able to live in safe and affordable housing. It doesn’t have to be brand new or really big, it just needs to be safe and a good place for people to raise their families. Each family usually has a choice about if they want to live on post or off post. This is something to really think about. There are positives and negatives to both. The military does have some checks for finding places off post. Some rentals are blacklisted which is helpful for knowing who to stay away from when looking for a place to rent. There have been horror stories of on post living where people have gotten sick or have been put in run down housing that has not been taken care of. This is not okay. Military families should always have a comfortable place to live.
When I think of what our family has gone through and what other families have gone through I know that this military life is full of stressful situations. I know that sending someone to war is a challenging and emotional thing to have to do and that benefits make such a big difference to the morale of the families. I just hope that if the military does need to make cuts it will not be at the expense of the military family.
All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life
15 Months
11 Months
5.5 Months
6.5 Months
= 38 months or 3 years, 2 months.
This is how long my husband was gone on deployments. This does not count any of the other times he has been gone for non-deployment reasons.
WOW! Almost 3.5 years? I can’t even wrap my mind around that. I can’t. Looking back, we got through it. Sometimes just one hour at a time but we did it.
Sometimes I still break down over what he missed.
He missed so much. He kissed our 3-week old boy goodbye after meeting him just 2 weeks earlier and he did not see him again until he was almost one. He missed the whole first year of his life. That is a lot of time. If you have a baby, you know how different a 3 week old is from an 11-month-old. You know everything they go through in that time. All the stages and changes. My husband got to experience all of that through photos. That’s it. Just photos.
He said to me once that it was a weird feeling. Knowing you had a son out there that you loved but didn’t know at all. That broke my heart.
Was it worth it? I don’t know. I really don’t.
I don’t like to think about that. I don’t want to think about the politics of why he was there because it hurts too much. He joined the Army and did his job and THAT is why he was gone.
He has missed so much and for an involved father like him, I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I have been away from my boys for 10 days at the longest and I was SO ready to get back to them.
His first deployment was 15 months long. It was extended. It should have been shorter. He came home for R&R to be with me for the birth of our child but got there a few days late. That was okay. I was able to handle that but I knew I wanted him there for any future babies we were going to have. I didn’t want to have to give birth without my husband again.
To add to things, my husband didn’t join the Army until our oldest son was 13 months old. He didn’t miss anything with him. He was there for the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, the newborn months, watching him learn to roll, to sit, to stand.
Knowing that he got to experience that with my now 11-year-old and not with the 9-year-old still makes me tear up.
I think about the wives of soldiers during WW2. My Grandpa was gone for three years. They didn’t have kids at the time but other soldiers did. Can you imagine leaving you 2-year-old and seeing them again when they were 5? With only letters to get by? I can’t. That makes what we went through seem a lot easier.
I know we can’t beat ourselves up for all that he missed. We just can’t. It comes with Military life. It is normal for them to miss things. Other Military spouses get it. They have been through it as well. They understand how hard it can be too.
There are things you can do to make the distance a little easier. You can talk on video chat, send a lot of photos, talk on the phone, send care packages, etc. But at the end of the day, it is not the same as having them live in the same house with you and your children day after day.
As a Military spouse, you have to come to a place of accepting that your spouse will miss part of your kid’s childhood. You can’t always plan when they will be home. You can’t make sure that they will be there when you have a baby, when your child walks for the first time, when they start Kindergarten or when they graduate from high school. You might have to be there without them, take a few videos and some photos and share them with your spouse that way. You accept all of this as a part of Military life.
You can hope and pray that they won’t miss too many important things. They will be home sometimes. They will not be gone for all of their Military careers. Remember that when you feel frustrated about how much they have missed.
Think about the times you have had together, the experiences you have had because you are a Military family and the good that can come from standing by your spouse as they go through their Military career.
What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?
Why Military Spouses Can’t Just Put Down Their Smart Phone
Why Military Spouses Can’t Just Put Down Their Smart Phone
If you are on social media at all you know that there are quite a few articles going around about being on our cell phones too much. How we need to put them down, hide them, ignore them. While there is some good advice there, my first thought is usually something like, “Well, try being a Military spouse.”
Between having kids in school, having a husband who is gone a lot and making money online using my phone to do so, I will not be putting my phone down anytime soon. My phone is my lifeline and I really haven’t always had it. I didn’t even get a smart phone until 2011.
There are many reasons why people say we shouldn’t always have a phone in our hands, but Military spouses, NEED to have a phone in their hands.
Why? Because…
Our spouses live in our phone.
When your husband is gone and you only get to talk to them on the phone or over video chat, they live in your phone. That is your relationship. You are not going to be able to walk away from your phone for long. If you do, what happens if they call? You will miss the call. That is a hard thing to deal with. When we were in Germany, I only heard from my husband on the landline. That meant that I could not get his calls when I was out. It would kill me to come home to a message knowing I missed his call. For later deployments I didn’t have to worry about that. It was SO nice to know I wouldn’t miss his call just because we were out doing something. So no, I am not going to put my phone down so I miss his call.
Our friends live in our phone.
Military spouse friends move away. Then they live in our phones, they live on Facebook and that is where our relationship is. I have a handful of friends I will text or message throughout the day. It keeps us connected and makes it seem like they are not quite as far away. When you are having a bad deployment day, it can be helpful to pick up your phone and text a friend or check out their photos on Facebook. It makes you feel better and can keep your mind off of missing your husband.
Our family lives in our phone.
Only a small amount of Military families live close to their own family. Most of us live far enough away that the phone is the way we communicate with them. I will text or message my own family several times during the week. It is a great way to keep in touch and not lose contact with one another. Sometimes my family will Facetime me and it is fun to do that with them.
I hate phone shaming in general.
Yes it is possible to be on your phone too much, to ignore people while you are on it and to get sucked into the online world, but overall, a smart phone adds to your life.
So, Military spouse, don’t feel badly if you always have your phone on you. You need it. You rely on it. It is a tool you are using to make your life a little easier. No one should shame you for it. If they are, they just don’t get it so don’t let them bother you.
What You Might Miss The Most During A Deployment
We all know that there are positives to every deployment. We also know how hard they can be and how badly you might miss your spouse when they are away. Sometimes it is just the little everyday things that you miss the most.
This is my list of what I missed the most when he was gone on a deployment…
* Being with me when the boys have activities like soccer practice/games. I video tape but still…not the same!
* My weekend “break”- When my husband is home I am able to get out for a few hours all by myself. Even if it is a 15 minute run to the store.
* Sundays after church- I just want to go out to lunch with my husband, I miss that when he is not home.
* Sundays at church- I miss sitting by him & holding hands during the service. It is just not the same sitting there with just the kids or even by myself.
* Having someone to bounce little ideas/questions off of. I like hearing his opinion about life and whatever might be on my mind. I can also ask him if I am just being crazy about something or just his thought on the subject.
* Watching a movie with him. I end up watching more movies when he is gone but I love it when we can watch them together. And then talk about how weird or silly they were.
* Hearing his opinion on shows like the Bachelor or Army Wives. He just cracks me up with his thoughts. I always miss that humor.
* His jokes. My husband is a very silly man and always trying to make a joke. Even if they are pretty corny, I miss them when he is not around. I find myself craving his jokes because they are very much a part of who he is.
Distance is hard, and missing the day-to-day can really get to you. On the other hand, it can really make you appreciate your time together even more. When he is home, you can be thankful for all those little moments that you have together. I know that since my husband joined the Army in 2005, I have been able to really appreciate all the little things when he is home.
What would you add to this list? What do you miss the most during a deployment???
7 Reasons Why I Love Having Friends Whose Husbands Are In The Military
Friends!!! We all need them and it has been such a great thing to have been able to make friends with so many other Military wives over the years. They have helped me to see that I am not alone and that other wives have gone through similar situations over the years. They can be a huge support on a bad deployment day or a great way to get out and have some fun together without the kids. Thanks to Facebook I have been able to stay in touch with so many of them over the years.
Having other Military spouse friends are a huge benefit to Military life. This is why…
1) They understand what it is like to have a husband away for long periods of time. They get it. One to two days away is nothing. They understand what it is like to be the only adult in the house for a period of time.
2) They understand what it is like to be both mom and dad for long periods of time. They get the solo parenting and how hard it can be. It isn’t easy and it is nice to be able to vent to others about it that truly understand.
3) They get how the military is. That sometimes what we think might happen will change at the last-minute and we have to be ok with that. That we can’t plan. That we have to wait and wait and wait.
4) When we are having bad days, they might be having good ones but can remember what the bad days are like and can encourage us. When it is reversed, we can step in and be the shoulder for them to cry on instead.
5) We can spend the holidays together if we are both going to be without our husbands. We can make fun plans with our kids on the weekends when the rest of the world is having family time. This is great because it can be hard to be the only one without a spouse on the weekend or over the holidays. Knowing you can spend it with someone else can really make life a little bit easier.
6) We can vent about all the ways the army is annoying us and they get it and probably vented about those things as well. We can get annoyed that our husband is going to miss another birthday and they get it. We can get mad about housing and they have been there.
7) Because we move around a lot, there is always the chance of running into an old friend or a friend of a friend at any new place we might go to. The Army world is small and the infantry world is even smaller. I love seeing new friends again and knowing that because we live by an Army post, there is always a chance that an old friend might move here someday too.
The Military spouse community truly is a sisterhood. From those you meet locally to the Military Spouse blogger community. We support each other and help each other make it through.
What would you add to this list?