Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

8 Things You Won’t Have To Do If Your Spouse Is Deployed

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8 Things You Won't Have To Do If Your Spouse Is Deployed

8 Things You Won’t Have To Do If Your Spouse Is Deployed

Deployments are no fun, any military spouse can tell you that. However, when they happen, which they usually do, there are things you simply won’t have to do because your spouse is gone. I am not going to say these are benefits, but if on a bad deployment day you are feeling pretty lonely, take a look and remember what you don’t have to do because your spouse is deployed.

1. Share the TV- How many times are you dying to catch up on Grey’s but you can’t because your husband wants to watch something else? Well, during a deployment you don’t have to worry about that. You can watch all of your shows, even the ones he makes fun of. Binge-watching can be very therapeutic during a deployment as well.

2. Shave- If your husband is deployed, you don’t have to shave. Well maybe you should shave sometimes but you don’t have to do this chore as often and no one will ever know. Unless it is summertime, then you probably do want to shave.

3. Share the bed- As much as I miss my husband when he is gone, I love having the bed to myself. Maybe I would feel differently if we didn’t have a queen bed but I like having all that space. Of course, at night, when the house is quiet and he is gone, I would rather him be there. But if he has to be deployed, I am going to enjoy having that extra space each night.

4. Clean dirty uniforms- Between the uniforms and his regular clothes, when your spouse deploys you are going to have a lot less laundry to do. This will free up some time from your schedule. You won’t have to wash those dirty uniforms straight from the field. No sand in your washing machine. That might be a nice break.

5. Cook what you don’t like- Cooking will change for you when he deploys. Depending on your children and how old they are, you might be able to get away with not cooking much at all. And you won’t have to cook anything you don’t like. You can also cook what you do like that he might not. My husband is not a big fan of breakfast for dinner so I tend to make that when he is gone. The kids love it!

6. Spend as much on food- Speaking of food, your grocery budget can go down a bit once they are deployment. You also might be able to go longer between shopping trips. See how much food you need to buy each week and go from there. You don’t want to buy too much and end up with some of your food going bad.

7. Share a bathroom- Your bathroom is all for you. No more mess from anyone other than you, unless you let your children use it. But being the only person who uses your bathroom will make the room a bit of a relaxing space for you. Buy some candles and bubble bath and make your bathroom your retreat.

8. Wake up too early- When you have small children you never get to sleep in. When your husband is in the Army and has to wake up for PT, you never get to sleep in. When they are deployed, you might actually be able to catch some extra zzzs without your spouse waking you up trying to find his PT gear.

Are you going through a deployment right now? What haven’t you had to do since your spouse has been gone?

4 Steps To Turn A Bad Deployment Day Around

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4 Steps To Turn A Bad Deployment Day Around4 Steps To Turn A Bad Deployment Day Around

No matter how long your deployment is or how many deployments you have gone through, you will have good deployment days and bad deployment days. Usually, the first few weeks are going to be the most difficult and then the last month will crawl by. But in between the beginning and the end of the deployment, you will have days where you feel like you are rocking military spouse life and days where you feel like you can’t make it through another deployment day.

So what should you do if you are going through a bad deployment day? How can you make that day better and turn things around? Here are 4 steps that can turn a bad deployment day around and make the deployment a little more bearable.

1. Cry it out. Stop what you are doing, find your bed, your couch or wherever you feel comfortable and have a good cry. Let everything out. Take a moment to do this. Your body might need this release. If you don’t want to cry in front of your kids, go into your bedroom and shut the door. If you have to wait until bedtime, do so. There have been many nights where I kept things together during the day and then after bedtime, I was able to let go and work on feeling better about my day. I tend to be a more emotional person and crying is how I deal with stress and disappointment. Others might not need to cry but simply spend some time by themselves and that can be just as helpful.

2. Journal. After you cry everything out, get out your journal and start writing. Write about what is bothering you. Write about your day. Write about your hopes and dreams for the future. Just start writing. Doing so will be a way to get your thoughts out and start to feel better. You could also write a letter to your spouse. This can also be helpful and sometimes the bad day comes because of lack of communication with your spouse. If you have a place to tell your spouse about your day and what is going on, you could get out of your funk and start to feel better. If you have never written in a journal before, now is the time to start. Go buy yourself a cute journal and some pens and create a place to write during the deployment.

3. Make Plans. After you cry it out and journal, make plans for the next day, week or month. Fill up your calendar. Make plans for the very next day even if they are simple. There are a lot of things you can do to stay busy during a deployment. If you don’t know what else to do, put your kids in the stroller and go for a walk, take yourself out to dinner or do something different from what you normally do. Staying busy will help you get through this deployment and that starts with making plans and putting things down on your calendar.

4. Go to bed. After you have done what you can to turn things around, just go to bed. Sometimes the morning is all you need to feel better. You can leave that bad day behind and wake up to a new one. One that is one day closer to homecoming and one that can be a lot better than the previous day.

Some days are going to be easier to turn around than others. If you feel like you are just not doing well with the deployment, don’t feel bad about getting some extra help. Sometimes going to see a counselor can be just what you need to get through. I had to do this during our 4th deployment and going to see her was so helpful. Never be afraid to get any help that you might need. Deployments can be emotionally and mentally challenging for us spouses too.

What do you do to turn around a bad deployment day?

 

How To Make Your Holidays Special When Your Heart Is An Ocean Away

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How To Make Your Holidays Special When Your Heart Is An Ocean AwayHow To Make Your Holidays Special When Your Heart Is An Ocean Away

He left in November of that year for his 2nd deployment. That meant he was going to miss Christmas that year. We also were not going to be going home as we were in Germany and the idea of traveling with a 2-year-old and 4-year-old over the holidays was a little too much. Plus, my parents were coming to visit around my birthday in January.

As I looked ahead to Christmas day I couldn’t help but be sad about my husband missing the holiday. Our boys were still so young. These Christmases are important. They are what we will look back years in the future, the Santa Christmases when everyone was young enough to believe and the toys were rather simple.

But there was nothing I could do. My husband would be in Iraq that Christmas and we would be home in Germany without him. The good thing was I was not alone. There were quite a few other spouses going through the same thing, being without their spouse for Christmas. This included one of my best friends, who also had small children.

We decided that being by ourselves this Christmas wasn’t going to work well for us. We also knew that we needed to plan something to help us get through the day. We made plans. We would spend Christmas morning with our own children, watch them open their gifts and then meet up to make Christmas dinner together while our kids played.

This was one of the best things we could have done. Were we still sad and missing our husbands? Yes, but we had something else to focus on and so did our kids. That Christmas didn’t turn out to be too horrible after all and all it took was a little planning to make the holiday special.

The key to getting through the holiday season without your spouse by your side is to make the holiday special anyway. Do what you can to bring in the Christmas joy, even if you don’t feel like doing so. Here are some great ideas on how to make your holidays special, even when your heart is an ocean away-

Plan Christmas Day

If you celebrate Christmas, plan that day out. What will it look like? Where will you eat? How will you spend that time? You can plan a date with friends or stay home. Whatever will work for you and your family. Just plan something. Even if your plan includes taking the kids to the movies and picking up fast food on the way home.

Save Presents

Save a few presents to open when Dad is back home, even if that will be June. You can have a mini-Christmas later. You don’t even have to let your kids know there are more presents. You can save presents for your deployed spouse as well. Make a fun day of your mini-Christmas after he is home from his deployment.

Take pictures

Your husband might miss Christmas but he can still see what you guys did that day. Take photos of everything you do. Make an album and send that in your next care package or save for when he gets home. Include Christmas memories from your children as well. Your deployed spouse will enjoy reading those too. Ask your deployed spouse for Christmas of their day as well. They might have been able to celebrate a little bit, even if they were overseas. 

Decorate

Decorate your house anyway, even if doing so seems hard. Sometimes people just don’t have the desire to do so but try to make yourself decorate anyway. You will be glad you did. Life can’t stop just because they are deployed. Life has to keep moving, that includes decorating for the season. You can always put your tree up early if your spouse deploys in the fall. Who cares if it is in October? Sometimes us military families do things on a slightly different schedule than everyone else. You can also leave the Christmas decor up longer than usual so your spouse can see everything when he gets home.

What have you done in the past to make Christmas or the holidays special even when your spouse has been away? What advice would you give to new spouses going through their first Christmas alone?

For the Military Spouse Going Through a Deployment Over Christmas

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For the Military Spouse Going Through a Deployment Over ChristmasFor the Military Spouse Going Through a Deployment Over Christmas…

Christmas music on the radio, trees going up, presents being bought and travel arrangements being finalized. December is almost here, Christmas is right around the corner. This is a great time of year, right?

For the military spouse going through a deployment over Christmas, this time of year is one to be gotten through. One to be survived. The rest of the world can be excited but for this military spouse, Christmas is not going to be Christmas this year.

Her husband, the father of her children will not be home. He will be in a war zone.

She won’t be wrapping gifts with him and playing Santa together. He won’t be able to sit with her at the Christmas Eve service or watch as their kids open their gifts. He won’t be sitting at the table eating ham and he won’t be able to build snowmen in the backyard on Christmas afternoon.

I have been this spouse and it isn’t fun. Being without your spouse on Christmas can be so very difficult. You are always missing them but there is something about Christmas that brings people together. There are movies made about this. About someone rushing home and making it right before Santa flies by on his sleigh. 

For the military spouse going through a deployment, Christmas might just be a regular old day, one in which it feels as if the rest of the world is happy and rejoicing and that they clearly are not. 

There are things a military spouse can do to make Christmas a little better during a deployment. They can celebrate early or even late when their spouse will be home. They can videotape the gift opening. They can go home and be with family but that isn’t always an option.

They can plan a meal with a friend which helps them stay busy and allows them to make memories with friends they will always consider family. They can fill their calendars with every holiday activity their community provides. They can remember that next year their spouse will be with them and that someday they will be there for every Christmas.

The military spouse going through a deployment over Christmas can do all of these things to make the season a little better…

But when all the gifts are unwrapped, when the turkey has been eaten and the children are asleep after a fun day, she will shed a tear for the memories her sweet husband didn’t get to share with them that year, for the sadness she knew her kids felt and for the hope that after the holiday season is over, the countdown will speed up and that homecoming will be upon her, the day her husband will be home.

So if you are the military spouse going through a deployment over Christmas, know that you are not alone.

Know that this too will pass. Know that you are stronger than you think. Know that your holiday might look a little different than it did in the past. Know that it is going to be okay. Know that you are being prayed for and that people do think and care about you.

It’s going to be okay military spouse, it really is. You might shed too many tears on Christmas day. You might wonder why your spouse has to be away when other spouses never have to go. You might not want to celebrate the holiday at all.

But whatever you do, however you celebrate, know that it is going to be okay and that although being without your spouse on Christmas is going to be difficult, you will get through this. That as the new year starts you will look ahead and see that homecoming date in your future and know that deployments do end. Your spouse will be back with you and that you will be able to make memories with them again soon.

Missing someone is not about how long it has been since you have seen them or the amount of time since you have talked…it is about that very moment when you are doing something and wishing they were there with you.
—Anonymous

The Weight of Multiple Deployments

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The Weight of Multiple Deployments

In 2013 my husband left for his 4th deployment. I didn’t want him to go. I really didn’t want him to go.

He left for his 1st deployment in 2006 and the longest break he had had from deployments was just short of 2 years. I felt like he was always gone or leaving or getting ready to leave. He deployed 1 year after he returned home from his long 15-month deployment.

That was definitely not enough time at home. I felt like after 15 months they should have been home for at least as long as that, if not double that in order to really have time to heal and get ready to go again. We were not that lucky.

To prepare for a deployment, there has to be a lot of training that happens. So basically, he got home, we had block leave and then they started to prepare for the next deployment. Multiple long deployments can take a lot from families and the soldiers themselves.

Our family really felt this as we said goodbye again for another year apart.

These days, my husband is usually home which feels so strange to me after so many years when he wasn’t. So many years of wondering if he would be there for the next Christmas or birthday. Years of being the only adult in the house and then having to figure out how to let him back into our routines.

As I look back at our deployments, I know they have made me a stronger person than I otherwise would have been. I have made friends that became like family because of them. I sometimes wonder what my life would look like had my husband never joined the Army, never been away from us.

And I can’t imagine it.

I can’t imagine what life would have been like had he been home for everything during those years. Our story didn’t go that way.

Now that we are past the rapid deployment stage, I can’t help but think of the weight of multiple deployments and what they can mean to military families.

Sometimes the marriage doesn’t survive. Sometimes the marriage does but both of you become different people, with so many challenges ahead. You change, they change, the family changes.

During deployments, you will have to change the way you think about everything. You will have to let things go. You will realize that what you assumed your life would be is going to be something completely different.

When you go through multiple deployments you will look back at your “survival” days.

Those survival days when you couldn’t help but wonder how you will make it through. When you can only do the minimum. When you take the deployment day by day, or hour by hour.

When everything is calm, you will wonder what bothered you so much that you couldn’t do all those extra things you liked to do. You will wonder why you were so anxious and possibly why those days were so hard. And then you remember.

You remember the lonely nights, the days on the calendar that would not pass quick enough and the possibility that sat in your heart that your spouse might not even make it home after all.

When you go through multiple deployments you will become stronger.

You have to. Anytime someone goes through something difficult, they get through the ordeal, stronger than they were before. This will help you in the future as you can be a listening ear to someone going through that issue themselves.

You can have compassion for those who are having a harder time and can prepare for any future struggles that might be ahead. You can also help your spouse through the coming years, no matter how many deployments are ahead.

Service members can come back from deployment with so many wounds. Some might be visible and some might not be. Being there for your spouse in any way you can is important.

Knowing when there is a bigger problem than even you can’t handle is also important. Getting help is a must and being patient will be your best friend through it all. Remember, you don’t have to go through all of this alone.

You will feel the weight of multiple deployments and will have to figure out how to move forward from them…

War is rough. Deployments are rough. Even years later you might still feel the weight of them all. Get the help that you need and remember military spouse, you are strong and you can get through this, even if it is one day at a time.

Have you been through multiple deployments? How have you dealt with the weight of those years?

31 Things To Do When You Are In A Deployment Funk

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31 Things To Do When You Are In A Deployment Funk31 Things To Do When You Are In A Deployment Funk

There comes a time in everyone’s deployment when you just hit a funk. Homecoming seems too far away, there is nothing to look forward to, you are stuck and not sure how you are going to make it through the next few months. You wake up sad, you go to bed sad, how to break out of this? Here are some ideas…

1.Plan something with some friends- Plan a night out or a lunch or something you can put on your calendar. Make plans. Let your friends know you want to make more plans now that your spouse is gone.

2. Start a best-selling, can’t put it down book- You will enjoy yourself and get lost in the characters.

3. Find a new tv series to lose yourself in- Like books, if you start a new series, you can have something to watch to get your mind off of the deployment, at least for a little while. Binge watching was made for deployments.

4. Make some weight loss goals- Want to work on you? Make some new weight loss goals. Losing weight was always easier for me when my husband was gone. A great time to work on myself.

5. Learn how to cook a new meal- A deployment can be a good time to learn new skills. Learning how to cook a new meal means you will expand what you can make. You can also do this with friends.

6. Sign up for a fun class- See what is available on post or in your community. A lot of places have classes you can take on anything from how to do your taxes to how to decorate a cake. This is also a great way to make some new friends. You can sign up for a one-time class or an on-going one.

7. Go on a USO or MWR trip- Depending on where you are stationed you might have some great opportunities you can take advantage of. In Germany, there were a lot of USO tours we could go on. Here in the states, MWR seems to have certain day trips you can sign up for too.

8. Plan a trip home- If things get really hard, plan a trip back home. Maybe just for a weekend. Doing so will give you something to look forward to.

9. Start a book- Have you ever had an idea for a book going on in your head? Want to get started? Maybe you just want to write about the deployment. Get started on something. NaNoWriMo is coming up in November and can be a great way to get started.

10. Take up a new skill, like photography- Learning a new skill is a great way to get out of your deployment funk. You can go back to an older hobby or try something new. Look online and at your local library to get started.

11. Commit to writing in a journal- I love writing in a journal. Doing so can be a helpful way to get all of your feelings out on paper. Get in the habit of writing in yours every day.

12. Work on a fun care package- Is there a holiday coming up? Plan a themed care package and send to your spouse. Have fun with the care package and send some treats.

13. Talk to a good friend- Get together with a friend or call one. Talk about life. If you need to vent with them, it can make you feel better.

14. Volunteer for something new- Try to sign up to volunteer somewhere. Either on post or in your civilian community. There are a lot of opportunities out there.

15. Write poetry- Some people find writing poetry about your situation very helpful and soothing.

16. Move your furniture around- Sometimes changing things around in your home can help you break out of that deployment funk. Just don’t hurt your back in the process.

17. Go on a walk- Walks are good for you. Not only can they help you with your weight loss goals but they can be a great way to get out of your house and clear your head.

18. Meet someone for coffee- Meeting someone for coffee is an affordable way to connect with others. You don’t have to spend more than $5 and meeting someone regularly can be a great way to help with your deployment funk.

19. Listen to music- Create a deployment playlist. Put songs on there that make you feel good and make you feel strong. Listen to the playlist whenever you start to feel down.

20. Call your mom- If you have a good relationship with your mom, give her a call. She might not totally understand what you are going through unless she herself was a military spouse but she can be an encouraging listening ear.

21. Plan your after deployment trip- Talk to your spouse about an after deployment trip. Then you can start to plan it.

22. Buy a new outfit- Go shopping and buy something new. Remember to stick within your budget.

23. Buy your homecoming outfit- If you know about when homecoming will be, start shopping for your homecoming outfit. This can be a great way to get excited about the end of the deployment.

24. Take your kids out somewhere fun that you have never been before- Plan a day trip or even go somewhere for a few hours. Explore and have fun. If you are on a tight budget, visit a new park or hiking trail.

25. Attend a local event- Check both on post and off to see what is going on in your local community. Fill up your calendar. This will help with the feeling that you have nothing to look forward to.

26. Buy new stationary and write a long old-fashioned letter to your husband- These days most of us are all about Skype or email. Buy some new stationery and start writing letters to your spouse overseas.

27. Start a regular meetup group- If you know a group of other spouses and friends that want to do this, start making plans. You could plan to meet up at a park every Saturday morning or start a book club that meets once a month.

28. Get professional photos done of you or you and the kids, send to your spouse- This can be a great thing to send to your spouse and they will love the photos.

29. Research your next duty station- If you know you are PCSing soon after the deployment, start researching your next duty station. There is a lot of information out there online and you can get started with your planning.

30. Plan a Space-A trip- Space-A can be a great way to see some of the US or World that you haven’t seen. You do need to plan a Space-A trip. There is a lot more to it than just showing up the day you want to fly.

31. Remember, you are not alone- There are a lot of other military spouses going through the deployment funk too. Find other spouses who get it either in person or online (You can join my Facebook group if you are looking for that extra level of support.)

What do you do to get out of a deployment funk?

5 Tips for Saying Goodbye to your Spouse as they Leave for Deployment

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5 Tips for Saying Goodbye to your Spouse as they Leave for Deployment

As I look back at the last 11 years of military life, the hardest days have been the days I have had to say goodbye to my husband. To give him one more hug, one more kiss and hope and pray he would return to us. To watch him as he said goodbye to our children, knowing that they will be in different stages when he returns. Not knowing how hard this might be on them or if they will struggle as much as I think they might.

Saying goodbye is never easy.

5 Tips for Saying Goodbye to your Spouse as they Leave for Deployment

Saying goodbye to your husband as he goes off to war is one of the hardest things you will have to do as a military spouse.

Our goodbyes have been different depending on the deployment and the situation. Some we have stayed around for a while and waited until we saw him leave. Others we have dropped him off and drove away before he got on the bus. I learned after the first deployment that leaving earlier was easier on all of us.

If you are getting ready to have to say goodbye to your spouse for a deployment or other reason, here are some ideas to help get through that day:

1. Do your goodbye your way. Different people handle the goodbyes in different ways. Your spouse might have a certain way he wants to say goodbye, you might have a certain way you want to say goodbye. Take some time to talk things over and figure out what works best for your family.

2. Cry if you need to. If you need to cry, do so. I believe for some of us crying is getting the sadness out and it is a step we have to take to get to where we can accept what is going on. I have said goodbye to my husband and cried in the car and I have said goodbye and no tears came until I got home. It just depended on my mood. It’s okay to cry if you need to. Deployments are sad. Tears might come.

3. Plan the first few days. If you can figure out exactly what you are going to do after you say your goodbyes, it will be an easier start to the deployment. You might want to plan to rent a movie and order pizza, you might want to get together with friends, you might just want to go to bed early and call it a night. Make a plan and then you will have some direction once you leave the drop off location.

4. Call a friend. Or not. Some people want to talk to others as soon as they have said goodbye, others want some alone time. Think about what would work best for you. If you feel the need, call a friend or family member. If you don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t feel like you have to. Take the time to get used to your new normal and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for not calling them as soon as your spouse has left. If you need to notify family, send out a group text or message. Let them know you will be up for chatting in a few days. Most people will respect that.

5. Remember, goodbye means the countdown can begin. Waiting for a deployment to start is so rough. Once they actually leave, the countdown can begin. Each day you mark off your calendar is one day closer to them being home. As you say your goodbyes, remember that the deployment or time away is just a short period of time in the scheme of things. Time will pass and they will be back with you again.

If you are in a place where you will be saying goodbye soon, I am not going to lie, doing this will probably be one of the hardest things you will have to do. Know that you are not alone in what you are going through and that a lot of other military spouses around you are feeling the same way.

What do you do to get through the goodbyes of military life? How do you handle saying goodbye to your spouse over and over again?

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

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What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Deployments are a part of life for the military spouse. Although you might go a few years in between, you are usually not surprised when you find out your spouse is going to have to go on one. Usually, you have some time to prepare. Some people know even a year before the deployment, most people find out with a few months to prepare.

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Every once in a while, a deployment gets scheduled at the last minute. As you are working on planning your summer, you could find out that your husband has to deploy in early June. After booking a trip home for Christmas, you find out your spouse is going to be deployed two weeks before. A last minute deployment can knock the wind out of you but know you will be able to handle what is to come.

Here is what you can do when your spouse gets last minute deployment orders:

 

  • Breathe- When you first hear that your spouse is actually going to deploy, you will feel like your heart has stopped. You might be thinking about how he wasn’t supposed to go or how he had just returned home not too long before. You might be thinking about what he was going to miss and feeling like you needed more time to prepare for this news. This is all normal. Deployments are no joke but remember to breathe. Take some time for yourself to adjust to the news. Go for a run, write in your journal or talk with a friend. Getting used to the idea of a deployment takes time and if they received last-minute deployment orders, you won’t have much time to adjust to what is about to happen.
  • Cry- If you need to cry, do so. It really is okay. A lot of people need to cry it out in order to accept what is to come. I know that is how I cope with these types of things. Crying is how I can get my pain out and how I can focus on the next step. If you first reaction to a deployment is to cry into your spouse’s arms, do so. That doesn’t mean you don’t support them. It just means you are having a hard time with the news and you will need to figure out how you can get through it.
  • Plan- Planning for a deployment is important, even if you only have a few days to do so. Look at how long they are supposed to be gone and make a plan for each month. Focus on you and your family. You will want to stay busy during the deployment and doing so requires a little bit of planning. If you can, plan a fun trip halfway through or even a party to celebrate that you have made it that far through the deployment.
  • Think of the positives- Every deployment has positives. You might have to look hard for them but they are there. Were you in need of a new car? Maybe the deployment pay can help with that. Saving for a house? Deployment pay can help you get into one faster. Think about the benefits of a deployment and focus on those. More time to read, more time to work out and fewer clothes to wash each week.
  • Connect- Find other military spouses to connect with. This will help with the deployment and accept that it is actually coming. If you know any of the other spouses that will also be dealing with this deployment too, make a plan for a lunch or dinner before or right after the deployment starts. Getting through a deployment will be easier with friends by your side. You will also need people to help support you while your spouse is gone.

deployment support

No one wants a last minute deployment but they can happen. If this has happened to you, know that you can get through this just like you would if you had more time. In some ways, not having as long to worry about the deployment could be a blessing in the end.

Has your spouse received last minute deployment orders? How did you handle that?