Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military life

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

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Have you ever planned a vacation only to have to cancel or reschedule it because military dates changed?

Have you ever given birth when your husband was deployed because they simply wouldn’t send him home like you thought they might?

Have you ever wanted to be stationed close to home only for your spouse to get orders clear across the country?

Most military spouses have been through one or all of these disappointments not to mention others that can happen when you are a military spouse. Dates change, your spouse can’t always be around when you need them, and you don’t always get a choice in where you are going to live.

What can you do when disappointment hits? How can you turn things around to get to a better place? 

Shock

When met with disappointing news, you will probably be in shock. They say to “hope for the best, plan for the worst” and we know things might not work out the way we want them to, but we still hope that they do. And then when they don’t? We can’t believe we are hearing that news.

If you feel shocked when you realize things are not going to be the way you want them to be, you are not alone. It’s normal to feel this way at first. You had the hope of a better outcome, and now you have to start to accept your new reality, and that isn’t always easy to do.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

Sadness

After shock comes the sadness. You are going to have to move to Alaska even though your family lives in FL. Your husband is going to deploy right before your 30th birthday. Your family trip to Walt Disney World will have to be postponed by six months.

You might need to take a moment to cry into your pillow. You are allowed to be sad about this; you are allowed to have those emotions. Let things out, call a friend and vent, have a good cry, and then move on to planning.

Planning

Every time I get some disappointing news because of my husband’s job, I eventually find myself coming up with a plan. I know that I will need to be creative to move forward. I will need to figure out a way to get through whatever it is I am dealing with.

If it is a matter of an unexpected deployment, I try to figure out what I can do during that deployment to stay as busy as I can, I think about how the deployment pay can help us, and I think about extra things I can do that I might not have time for if he wasn’t going to be deployed.

Being able to have a plan to deal with the disappointment will go a very long way in finding relief.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

Relief

Relief happens when you get to a place where you feel like you can figure out a way forward. It might not always be easy, you might not always be happy about what happened, but you can figure out how to get through it.

If you assumed your husband would be at the birth of your first child and they are not, you are going to go through a wave of emotions about it. You will eventually figure out who you want with you because he can’t be. And then you will start to accept that this has to be your new normal. And with that comes the relief that you can, in fact, give birth without your husband. 

You Got This

Remember, you got this. Reach out to your friends, make plans, and figure out how to deal with disappointment in your military life.

Disappointments will happen in military life. They say to write all plans in pencil because all plans can change, no matter how close you are to the date they are supposed to happen. We as military spouse want to support our service members and getting to a place where we can move forward is a good way to do so.

What do you do to get over disappointment during military life?

When Your Spouse Wants To Re-Enlist in the Military and You Don’t Want Them To

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It’s almost time for your spouse to re-enlist, decisions have to be made, and you feel like it is time to walk away from military life. However, your spouse does not agree and would love to do 20+ years in the military.

What should you do?

What can you do?

Is it even fair to them to say you don’t want them to re-enlist?

Breathe

First of all, take a breath. This is a big decision and not a simple one, and while this is your spouse’s career, you both need to be involved in planning your joint future. What you decide will affect you the spouse, and your children or any future children you might have. The decision to re-enlist in the military shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Ask yourself why

Ask yourself why you don’t want them to re-enlist. Break it down. Is it the solo parenting? Is it the up and downs of military life? Is it because you want to focus on your career and that is hard to do so with a spouse in the military?

Figuring out why you don’t want them to re-enlist is important. Make sure to talk this all over with your spouse. Let them know what you are afraid of. Let them know why you want to walk away.

Can you compromise? 

Can they re-enlist for three more years with the plan to re-evaluate at that time? No one signs up for 20 years at a time. Can you make a plan that he will serve for a certain amount of time, and then you will go back to school? Can you agree to try to be stationed close to home if possible?

Sometimes you have to suck it up

At the end of the day, sometimes you just have to suck it up. What people in this type of situation do is going to be different for each couple, for each person. There are different reasons why people want to walk away from military life, and only the couple can decide if they are worth giving up a military dream.

For some couples, this means the spouse will have to work out how they will handle more years of military life. For others, it means the service member will need to find another way to pursue their career goals. There isn’t one hard and fast rule for every couple.

If you find that you and your spouse are arguing about this and can’t seem to come to a good conclusion, it can be a good idea to seek extra help. Any marriage is going to have times when a decision has to be made about the future, and the couple isn’t always going to agree right away. Communication is so very important here, as well as keeping everyone’s feelings and desires in mind.

What To Do When Your Spouse Wants To Re-Enlist And You Don't Want Them To

There are situations when a couple can not agree on this, and sometimes a marriage will end over it. Other times, there will be a lot of hurt and frustration on both sides. A service member who doesn’t feel supported by their spouse, a military spouse that doesn’t feel like their spouse understands why they can’t do this anymore. Those situations can be so difficult and are never easy to navigate.

While I can’t tell you what to do in your own marriage, I can help with dealing with the frustrations of military life. Life as a military spouse isn’t easy, and you have to work hard to figure out ways to make it through.

This doesn’t make you weak but allows you to be strong.

What has worked for you when you have felt like you just wanted your spouse to get out of the military? What are your best tips for someone who is dealing with all of this?

To The Military Spouse That Is Having A Bad Day

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To The Military Spouse That Is Having A Bad Day

Some days are better than others. This is true for everyone. Whether you are married to a member of the military, married to a teacher, married to a CEO, or married to a truck driver. This is true even if you are not married at all. Having bad days is a part of life.

Over the years I have had bad days because of deployments and bad days when my husband has been home. I have had bad days right after a PCS and bad days when we have been living in the same place for three years. I have had bad days when I didn’t have anyone to talk with and bad days when I have been surrounded by good friends.

So to you military spouse who is having a bad day, know that not all days will feel this way.

If your husband just deployed, know that your bad days will get better and that you will find the tools will get you through the rest of the deployment.

What do you do when you are having a bad day? How do you get to a better place?

If you are missing your best friend who just moved away, know that you can still be best friends and that you will make new friends in the future.

If your kids are not listening and you are about to lose your mind if you have to spend one more day solo parenting, know that kids grow out of their annoying stages and you move on. You find new tools to keep in your parenting toolkit. And that you won’t always have to be a solo parent.

If you are having a bad day because you just lost your job, a job you loved, know that there will be more jobs to love in the future. You won’t always be out of work. Keep on trying, and you will find a job you love again in the future.

If your paycheck isn’t reaching as far lately, if the extras that come from life are getting to you, know that you can figure out a way out of this situation. Go back to your budget and see what you can do to make your bank account happy again.

If you want to find a new career path and you feel like you have nothing to give, you do. Take a step back and think of all the skills you have, redo your resume, and start applying for jobs.

What do you do when you are having a bad day? How do you get to a better place?

If you feel lost and scared because your husband just got orders overseas, to a place that scares you, know that you will get through that deployment just like you got through the rest of them.

If you are upset because you were hoping for orders to the duty station 20 minutes from your childhood home, and you get them for a place across the country, know that your experiences there can still be good ones. Plus, moving there will give your family a chance to visit you in a completely different place.

Whatever it is you are dealing with, whatever is making you have a bad day, know that this too shall pass.

Life is all about change. Jobs change, friends change, and children change. Look and see what you can do to make life better and let the rest of it go.

As military spouses, we don’t have control over deployments, or where we will live, or what life will bring us. We do have control over how we handle deployments, what we do in our communities, and how we handle the bad as well as the good days.

So to the military spouse who is having a bad day, I get it. I have plenty of bad days myself. This week has been full of them. But I have to remind myself that tomorrow is another day, that things will change, and that overall things are pretty amazing.

Taking a step back to look at what you have instead of what you don’t can help with your mood. Remember years past when things didn’t seem so great but then ended up working out in the end. And be a person others can go to when they are not having the best of days themselves.

What do you do when you are having a bad day? How do you get to a better place?

When You Don’t Feel Strong Enough For Military Life

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I couldn’t believe he was gone. I couldn’t believe this deployment had started. I couldn’t believe I had to go through this again.

I certainly didn’t feel strong enough for this. I didn’t feel strong enough for the deployment. I didn’t feel strong enough for military life.

And yet, somehow, the days went by. Somehow I made it through that deployment. Somehow I was strong enough to do just that.

Through that deployment, and other past deployments, I realized something powerful.

Not feeling strong enough to get through something doesn’t mean I am not strong enough to do so.

Often times, us military spouses feel like if we are not 100% prepared for any possible situation, if we can’t get through everything military life brings with a smile on our face, if we can’t do a thing without a couple of meltdowns, we are not a good military spouse.

This isn’t true at all!

The truth is, you are not always going to feel as strong as you want to. I certainly don’t. Some days I might feel like I have military life down, and other days? Not so much.

So, if you are not feeling strong enough for military life, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.

Sometimes military life makes it hard to feel strong.

But what can you do about this? How can you find your inner strength? How can you get to a place where you feel like you can handle what military life is currently throwing at you?

Depend on your friends

I am not sure what I would have done over the years without my friends. They truly got me through, each and every deployment. From helping me stay busy, to being a shoulder to cry on. Depend on your friends, they can help you up when you are feeling down.

Don’t compare

This one is hard for me. When it feels like your husband is always the one who has to go, being happy for others can be more difficult. When it seems like your kids are the ones who have to go without their dad around, life can feel pretty unfair.

The best thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to other spouses, both civilian and military. Some service members deploy more than others. Some civilian spouses will never have to spend more than a weekend away from their spouse. And that is so hard to take.

But we can’t compare and dwell on how unfair everything is. We have to pull ourselves out of that. And if we can do that, we will be able to get to a better place and we won’t struggle with jealousy quite as much.

This too shall pass

If you need to tell yourself, “this too shall pass,” 50 times a day, do it. Reminding yourself that this deployment is a temporary situation is going to go a long way. I can’t tell you how many times I would feel like I was in stuck in a deployment funk, but simply reminding myself that the deployment was temporary helped me feel so much better.

When we are going through a difficult time, feeling like this is how life will always be is way too easy to do, but that isn’t the case. Look at how far you have come, and know you can be strong through the rest of the deployment too.

If you need extra help

If you are going through a deployment and you struggle with anxiety (which I do) or depression, please don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. Your mental health is so important and working on that during a deployment is a must.

How to be a Military Spouse With Boundaries

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How to be a Military Spouse With Boundaries

I recently saw a post on Facebook that talked about how you can still be a good person and say no, and that you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm and I loved it.

So many times, we as military spouses, get to a place of extreme burnout. We are simply taking on too much. And while I think there is nothing we can do about being the only adult in the home for months at a time or putting up with different military life challenges, we can control our boundaries and what we allow in.

I try so hard to avoid burnout. I don’t like the feeling that I have taken on too much. When I do that, I find myself way too stressed out and that isn’t good for anyone.

Boundaries are important for everyone. They can keep you grounded, and allow you to live your best life. They can help you stay calm in an otherwise stressful time in your life.

Here is how to have them as a military spouse:

Say no

It’s okay to say no sometimes. I know, that can be so hard to do, but saying no sometimes is necessary. Saying no can be necessary to our physical, emotional, and mental health. Saying yes to everything just because we are asked is a quick way to become overwhelmed with everything.

Remember, you aren’t meant to solve everyone’s problems

Helping other people feels so good, and there are so many chances to do so on a daily basis. But remember, you are not solely responsible for everyone’s problems. You can lend a listening ear, or even direct them to a place that can help. You don’t physically have to do everything for them. That is just too much for one person to take on.

You can be picky about your friends

You are going to run into all types of people in your daily lives. Some of them you will get along with and some of them you won’t. That’s life. You might have a coworker that gets on your nerves or a long-time friend who doesn’t respect you.

A part of having boundaries is recognizing that you don’t have to be close friends with everyone. You can be respectful of other people, without having to let them into your personal life. You can be choosey when it comes to who you spend your free time with.

Remember, saying no to one thing means saying yes to another

One of the most important things about boundaries is that by saying no to one thing, you can be saying yes to another. There are only so many hours in the day, and you can’t say yes to everything. Think long and hard about every yes you give. You don’t want to say yes to something you really hate when that means you will have to say no to something you really love.

That being said, you will have to say yes to things you don’t want to do all the time, especially if you have kids. But even with that, choose your best yes, and what works for your family. Saying no sometimes will free up time to say yes to things that are most important to you.

Following these tips can be difficult sometimes. Saying no isn’t always easy, even if you really want to. But having some type of boundaries in your life can make things a little easier, especially when you add in challenges that come with military life.

Mistakes New Military Spouses Might Make

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Mistakes New Military Spouses Might Make

Mistakes You Might Make as a New Military Spouse

I was 26 years old when I became a military spouse. Other spouses were a lot younger, and some were even older when they joined this life. No matter how old you were when you became part of a military family, there will be a learning curve. You won’t be able to understand how everything works right away. You might make some mistakes. It’s bound to happen.

Over my time as a military spouse, I have made some mistakes too. Figuring out how the military works takes time.

5 Mistakes New Military Spouses Might Make

Going Over Your Spouse’s Chain of Command

Going over your spouse’s chain of command is a big no-no. You don’t want to do that. Doing so will upset people and could come down to your own spouse getting in trouble. There will be plenty of times when a command comes down, and you will want your spouse to do something about it. Usually, they can’t. Remember that there is a chain of command for a reason. Be respectful of it.

Not Understanding That the Military Comes First

The military has to come first most of the time. Your spouse will have to go where the military sends them. Even major family moments, like having a baby during a deployment, may not change what the military requires. You can ask for them to be sent home, but know that no one has to make that happen for you.

This is one of the hardest things to learn about military life. A good Command will try to help families when they can, but because of the mission, that isn’t always possible.

Not Trying to Make Friends

You are in a new place, trying to get used to your new life. It can be way too easy to stay at home and not try to get out there and make friends. See what you can do to get out of your house and go to places where you can make friends.

Doing this might be scary, especially if you are shy. But I have learned that putting yourself out there will eventually make you friends. Even if it takes a long time. Find things you would enjoy doing anyway and keep trying. Military spouse life is better with friends.

Underestimating the Toll of Military Life

Sometimes it is hard to understand the toll that military life can take on you. As a spouse, a parent, a woman, and a person, you will face many situations that seem impossible when you first hear about them. You need to try to take care of yourself. You need to find ways to smile even if your spouse is gone. To enjoy life even when life is stressful. Remember that military life can take a toll, but the experiences you will go through will also help make you stronger.

Letting Fear Overtake You

There is a lot to be fearful of during military life. Even more so when they are deployed in a war zone. Don’t let that fear overtake you. The reality is, something could happen to your spouse.

However, if you live in fear of that happening every day, it can wear you down quickly. You need to figure out a way to keep your fear in check. That could be different for each person. Some people will find comfort in their religion. Others will have a good friend they can go to and talk about what they are scared of. Figure out how to handle the fear, and don’t let it overtake you.

What New Military Spouses Should Remember

No one becomes an expert at military life overnight. You are allowed to ask questions, make mistakes, learn as you go, and give yourself grace along the way.

  • Military life has a learning curve. You won’t understand everything right away, and that is normal.
  • Friendship matters. Finding people who understand this life can make the hard seasons feel less lonely.
  • Fear is part of the journey, but it does not have to run your life. Find support, talk things through, and focus on what you can control.
  • You will keep growing. Every season of military life teaches you something new about yourself, your marriage, and what you are capable of handling.

Give Yourself Grace as You Learn Military Life

No one is a perfect military spouse. You will make mistakes along the way. But you can learn from them. Your military life is a journey. One in which you will always be growing and learning along the way. Do the best that you can, learn what you can and you will find that you will slowly start to figure everything out.

Frequently Asked Questions About Being a New Military Spouse

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed as a new military spouse?

Yes, it is very normal to feel overwhelmed as a new military spouse. Military life comes with new rules, new expectations, and a lot of uncertainty. Give yourself time to learn how everything works.

What is one mistake new military spouses often make?

One common mistake is thinking you have to understand everything right away. Military life has a learning curve, and most spouses learn through experience, asking questions, and connecting with others who have been there.

How can new military spouses make friends?

New military spouses can make friends by attending spouse events, joining local groups, volunteering, going to community activities, and connecting with others online. It can take time, but putting yourself out there helps.

How can military spouses handle fear during deployment?

Fear during deployment is common. Military spouses can cope by building a support system, staying connected to trusted friends or family, focusing on what they can control, and reaching out for help when fear feels too heavy.

The 15 Stages You Will Experience On Your Next Military PCS to a Brand New Place

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The 15 Stages You Will Experience On Your Next Military PCS to a Brand New Place

These are the stages of a Military PCS

PCS season is around the corner and life is getting quite hectic for quite a few military families. Although it has been a while since our family has gone through a military PCS, I remember the process and how stressful and crazy everything can be.

1. Bored and ready to move

After you have been at your duty station for two or three years, you probably start to feel ready to make a change. You know you are going to be moving this year, you want to know where, and you are ready to start the process.

2. Soft orders, start planning

You hear where you are going to go. If you are happy with this choice, you are worried that will change. If you are not, you are praying it will. You still need to be patient to wait for the physical orders before any of your PCS dreams (or nightmares) can come true.

3. Orders change

Your orders have changed. You assumed you would be spending the next three years in Hawaii, sorry, it’s El Paso. There is still a chance they could change again, but you aren’t holding out much hope. Try to just go with the flow and to not worry too much about the changes until things become set in stone.

4. Hard orders cut, it’s for real

Okay, you are going to this duty station. This is for real. Time to start your planning. You start asking in your local Facebook groups and Google all things about your new duty station. This is an exciting time, but then you start to feel a bit overwhelmed.

5. Stressed out with all you have to do

There is so much to do with a PCS. So many lists to make. So much to get done beyond your everyday lives. Make sure to create some system for everything you have to do and all the paperwork you need. Starting a PCS binder can be a very good idea but you can also just make sure you have a safe place for everything that is easy to take with you on the plane or in your car.

6. Get organized and plan

This is the stage where you decide if you want to live on base or not. If you want to live off, where you should find a house. Should you rent or buy? What about the schools? Take your time and try to relax about this part. There is going to be a lot of information out there and some of it, you can wait until after you are moved to figure it all out. Check out PCSGrades for reviews on different areas near where you will be moving.

7. Movers come, stuff goes

The day has come for the movers to pack up all of your earthly goods. Make sure to get your movers some lunch and offer snacks. They will appreciate it. Don’t pack your trash and make sure anything you want to take with you is safely locked in your car or a room the movers won’t go in.

8. All those last-minute things

It wouldn’t be a PCS without all the last-minute things you will need to do. From cleaning out your home to making sure you have turned in all those library books before you leave. Reward yourself with a Starbucks or a cupcake after you get everything done. And breathe.

9. Saying goodbye

Saying goodbye to friends is the worst. Try to say, “see you later.” Make sure you are connected on Facebook, that is where your friends will now live. Enjoy the last few days you have together and remember, the military is a small world and you could get stationed together again someday.

10. Physically moving

Now it’s time to either leave for the airport or get in your car to drive away from your home for the last 2-4 years. Adventure awaits, and once you reach this step, you start to feel like everything is going to work out. Remember to bring plenty of snacks and make sure you leave time for pee breaks if you are driving, especially if you have small children.

11. Hotel living

We were lucky, and the longest we had to stay in a hotel was a week. Others have to stay in them for much longer to wait for housing. Try to be creative with planning your hotel stay and remember, eventually, you will live in an actual house, with a real kitchen and no hotel keys.

12. Your stuff is here

Yay! Your stuff is here, you have moved into your new home and life is about it get much better. No more sleeping on an air mattress and your son finally gets to play Xbox again.

13. Unpacking hell

Time to unpack and unpack and then spend more time unpacking. Just get it done. All of it. You will be glad you did.

14. Make new friends

Now that you are at your new duty station, time to make new friends. This can be difficult but putting yourself out there is a must. Start with just saying hi to a neighbor or going to a playgroup with your kids. Making friends will take time but once you do you will feel more at home no matter where you are stationed.

15. Relax in your new home

Whether you are in a 3rd story two-bedroom apartment in Germany or have bought your first ranch house outside of Ft. Carson, enjoy your new home. This will be where you will live for the next few years. Bloom where you are stationed even if you are sad to be there. Adventures await!

If you are going through a PCS right now, what stage are you in?

9 Lessons Learned On Our Military Retirement Journey

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By Melonie Kennedy

This is it. We’re handing in the keys to our on-post housing in a few days, then my husband will begin terminal leave. After sixteen years of marriage, seven duty stations, several deployments, and so many TDY’s I can’t even remember them all, it’s over. He’s out. The End.

Retirement is a huge transition for him, of course, after twenty years in the Army. I didn’t expect, however, what a big jump this would mean for me. This is a scary new beginning, perhaps the scariest of them all. I’ve tried to avoid wool-gathering and prepare just like any other PCS. As ready as I am to get into this next chapter, though, I’m also not feeling ready. It’s not just another PCS. There’s so much up in the air, and that leads me to lesson one: 

Remember military retirement is a major life change! As accustomed as we are to moving frequently and reestablishing a home base every few years, this time there’s a big difference. We’re in a new division of the military community: The Retirees. Our mission now as a family is to figure out what comes next and create a new battle rhythm that may be like nothing we’ve ever experienced before. 

Additionally, as with normal PCSs, there may be a grieving process, especially if you’re moving from your final duty station as part of the retirement process. We’re saying goodbye to friends, getting those last tourist bucket list things marked off, taking steps to find a job, and shepherding a teen through the same changes all while getting him ready for college. As exciting as this new adventure is, it’s full of questions. That takes me to lesson two:

Communication is key – and not just with the various agencies your service member is dealing with on the military side! It’s okay to say you’re not okay. Consider scheduling in downtime for yourself and as a couple. We, military spouses, are incredibly resilient people, but resilience is built up when we have purposely created a buffer zone. Whether it’s a facial or a coffee date, sometimes talking to a therapist via Telehealth or simply curling up with a book for an hour – account for the fact that this is a huge transition period that automatically comes with stress, and account for the fact that mindfulness during the transition is vital. Having grown up an Army brat, then spending this long as a military wife, I kind of don’t know where I stand anymore, and I’ve had to observe and unpack those feelings. This takes us to lesson three: 

You’re not alone. It may feel like it some days, just like it may have at times in your spouse’s military career. They, and you, are not cast aside and left to drift and figure this out on your own! From the moment retirement appears on the horizon, start finding your support folks; as Mr. Rogers advised, “Look for the helpers.”

I was pleasantly surprised to learn how many resources there are out there for transitioning families. Get in touch with the folks at your branch’s Transition Assistance Program (TAP) office early. We spouses are invited to attend as well because TAP isn’t just about military paperwork. The TAP office my husband worked with offered links to resumé workshops, seminars on VA home loans, and much more. Going through TAP early leaves you time to go back through if you’d like to dig deeper and ask the TAP reps questions on a second go-round.

Another great option is the USO, which sponsors a wide variety of in-person and virtual seminars. They cover more topics than I can even list here, and the schedules accommodate for locations worldwide. There are also the Veterans Service Organization (VSO) representatives, who are individuals accredited by the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) to help ensure service members have access to qualified representation during the VA claim process. The Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW) and several other organizations have accredited VSOs available; a full list of VA-recognized VSOs is available via the Veterans Affairs website.

Lastly, don’t forget to start making connections within military retiree organizations and civic groups within your community, especially if you are moving with children. They will gain assistance putting down new roots through community options just like they’ve done every move, and now those roots can include a nice taproot into their home turf!

As you may have noticed, the more lead time you have before retirement, the better. We made the decision for my husband to submit his retirement request about eighteen months out from his projected departure date, which left time to get things rolling on several fronts. That takes us into lessons four through seven, which have a big point in common: make use of any waiting period you have until retirement!

Get your house in order, especially your finances. If you’re not already debt-free, try to get there. This will help you get a solid footing when the service member’s pay changes from their active duty rate to their retirement pension. This foundation also provides an assist with the timing of the first retirement check, any VA benefits the military retiree is awarded, and the arrival of paychecks if they will be employed after their military time ends. If there’s a lag time on funds, you’re still good to go if you aren’t living paycheck to paycheck at this stage.

Save, save, save! As with any other PCS, there will be costs affiliated with your move. If you own a home away from your final duty station, you’ve got to get there. While certain costs will be reimbursed after a move, you may be in a situation where you’re receiving BAH during terminal leave, so hotel stays will be accounted differently. Then of course there are the usual things that feel like they nickel and dime us to death every move: getting groceries again, the random little things that are needed in a new home, meals on the road, and so forth. Even if you are already living in your forever home, with all these changes, costs will come up. Having as much put away for a rainy day as possible is always to your benefit.

Speaking of financial matters: while you’re anxiously awaiting The Big Day, make the most of your time and get life insurance before the service member gets their VA physical. In some cases, automatically switching from Servicemembers’ Group Life Insurance (SGLI) to Veterans Group Life Insurance (VGLI) may not actually be your most cost-effective plan. The same applies for spouses and other dependents currently insured through Family Servicemembers’ Group Life Insurance.

While sticking with the known entity with no medical questions or exclusions may be tempting, if you’re in fairly good health, it is well worth your time to sit down with a few companies and get some quotes for coverage. My husband contacted three companies for quotes and we were able to compare all coverage, terms, and costs over a weekend and choose the one that was the best fit for us. (Why do this before the VA physical? Findings documented by the VA may affect rates and coverage availability.)

On our last point about time and money: encourage your service member to use this time to use Credentialing Assistance and Tuition Assistance if at all possible. Don’t leave money on the table! They can earn certifications to build their resumé and build their employability, or work toward a college degree without using their GI Bill on active duty. There are also many free and low-cost certification and schooling options available for military spouses to take advantage of; you’ll learn about some of them through the TAP sessions and the USO’s offerings, but another great place to find helpful organizations and programs is LinkedIn.

That takes us to lesson eight, one that was a real shocker for me: LinkedIn is your friend, milspouses! I’ve personally had a LinkedIn account for over a decade and really didn’t get much use out of it. Like many people, I thought LinkedIn was “social media for suits”. Since getting more active on the platform in early 2021, I’ve had my eyes opened to the many possibilities LinkedIn offers, particularly for those of us with military affiliations.

There is a wealth of opportunities for networking with other folks in our community; start with #militaryspouse, then look for groups specific to spouses or to your area of employment interest. There are also job listings, information about hiring fairs (on and off base and virtual), and ways to find franchise opportunities specifically for veterans. Add in the fact that we spouses can receive a year of LinkedIn Premium for free through Military OneSource’s Spouse Education & Career Opportunities (MySECO), and you’ve got another great reason to sign up or really start using your LinkedIn account to its full potential. The Premium version allows access to LinkedIn Learning and a variety of other professional tools that users may find helpful in networking and job hunts.

My two cents, with no affiliation to the company on my part: LinkedIn is worth it for you and your retiree-to-be, whether you’re looking for work post-military or want to be able to mentor and guide others following in your footsteps. It’s actually the way I connected with Julie, our wonderful hostess here at Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life, and can share these thoughts with you about our retirement journey!

And now we’re at lesson nine: Have the Ceremony.

My soldier is not big on pomp and circumstance. I’m an introvert, quite content that the bulk of my “peopling” is done via email thanks to working from home for two decades. There was to be no retirement ceremony. We were simply going to load the U-Haul and quietly ride off into the sunset.

My husband’s commander saw things differently and put his foot down. You don’t give twenty years of your life to the military and just slip away; you deserve recognition and closure. There had to be some sort of ceremony. 

We huffed and puffed and gave in on the matter, setting up a fairly intimate shindig at a favorite restaurant. We added in a presentation of a military “brat” coin and a certificate of appreciation for our son. Some family members were able to make it, as well as a large group from the unit, and some good friends we’ve bumped into at multiple duty stations. As luck would have it, we had soldiers there from the beginning of my spouse’s active time, the middle, and the end.

There were stories told, plenty of laughs, and more tears than expected. We introduced our non-military family members to a side of my husband that they hadn’t seen during visits and the usual tours of housing and the Exchange; it gave his friends a chance to celebrate with him; it gave us a chance to recognize the resilience of our son, who like me, has been a dandelion child floating around the world at the behest of Uncle Sam. 

Barbecue and cake were served, and in the end, we were incredibly grateful to the leader who called for the touching sendoff. So no matter how large or how small you make it, please schedule in a time to celebrate your service member, yourself, and all involved in getting you to this point. You’ve made it. Happy military retirement – here’s to your next adventure!

Melonie Kennedy is a military wife, homeschooling mom, author, and small business owner. Connect with her at https://www.linkedin.com/in/meloniek/