Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military life

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

by Leave a Comment

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

It was our 5th anniversary. I woke up that morning and something was different, something was off. We had spent our 1st anniversary on a weekend getaway, our 2nd, 3rd and 4th we had a nice dinner together. But this was number 5. That’s a big deal when you are newly married. 5 years is longer than high school or college and gives you enough time to look back on where you have been. But this anniversary was going to be different. He was deployed. He was in Iraq and we would not be spending it together.

I knew that in order to have a good day I would have to make it so. We would not be going on any trips or going out to dinner. We wouldn’t be going to the movies or a play or even just spending the day together. No, this anniversary would be different.

I decided to order a steak dinner from a local restaurant and have the food delivered after my little boys went to bed. I ate the dinner sitting in front of the computer waiting for my husband to come online. Celebrating your anniversary this way is normal for a military spouse.

Anniversaries are there to celebrate your marriage. You celebrate the time you have had together. To look at the past and look forward to the future. Celebrating your marriage is important. Whether you have only been married a year or for fifty years.

But how do you celebrate your marriage when they are deployed or away at a training? How do you celebrate when your heart aches for them? What can you do to feel closer?

Here are some ideas on how to celebrate your marriage during a deployment…

1. Write love letters- Love letters are the best. You could write your husband a love letter about how much you celebrate your marriage. Talk about when you first got married and your hopes for the future. You can pour out your heart on pretty stationary and mail it off to him. You can send him a series of letters or even a funny card.

2. Make a scrapbook- There is nothing better than going through old photos and looking back on previous memories during your marriage. You can take some time and put together a scrapbook for your deployed spouse. You could keep it simple and just put photos in an album or you could use stickers, cute paper and add a bit of journaling to the book. You could also make a book on a website like Shutterfly.

3. Send a care package- Put together a special anniversary care package. You can decorate the box however you want and include some of your favorite items. Think about what your spouse would love to see in a love themed package from you.

4. Have a Skype date- Planning when they will be online might be difficult but if you can plan for a special Skype date on your anniversary, go for it. You could sit and talk over dinner. You could plan to watch the same movie at the same time or just enjoy being able to see each other on the video. You could also do this over the phone instead. This is not going to replace a real date but it’s the best way to spend time together when you are miles apart.

5. Make plans for after the deployment- If you can’t celebrate your marriage during the deployment, make plans to do so after. You could plan a special trip or even just a meal at a nice restaurant. You can always celebrate your anniversary later. There is no rule that it has to be on that day. We have been able to celebrate our anniversaries months later by making a plan for a getaway when we were able to after a deployment.

Leave a comment and let me know how you have celebrated your marriage during a deployment. Have you done anything special and creative?

When They Are Deployed During Your Baby’s 1st Year

by 5 Comments

I never thought much about being a solo parent before my husband joined the military. I always assumed that when we would have kids, he would be there. He would be there for the pregnancy, the first year, the terrible twos and everything else.

However, that isn’t what happened. He was deployed when my 2nd son was born and didn’t come home from that deployment until he was almost a year old.

Because of that long deployment, my husband missed the 1st year of my son’s life. He missed him starting to roll over and become mobile. He missed him crawling and saying his first words. He missed starting solid food and learning to stand.

He missed so much because the 1st year of your baby’s life is filled with a lot of firsts. That year is such a special one and my husband experienced everything through photos and minimal videos.

The truth is, deployments happen whether you have babies or not. As a military spouse, you have to accept this and make the best of everything. The challenge comes with wanting them to be home and wanting to cherish your baby’s first year.

This isn’t easy and it can be difficult to find the balance between the two. How can you fully embrace your current life when a big part of that is missing, overseas in a war zone?

How do you not rush through all of your baby’s 1st? How do you make the best of things when their dad is away?

1) Document everything- Take photos, videos and a lot of notes. Send them weekly. Your baby is going to change a lot week by week. Your spouse will want to see them grow.

You could make a scrapbook or simply send the photos. You could also just post them online if your spouse can see them. I know my husband loved seeing all the photos I sent during the deployments. Don’t forget to send photos with you in them too. Your spouse would love to see those as well.

2) Journal- Journaling is the best thing to do during a deployment. You want to have a place to go to get out everything you are feeling. About your mood, about your day and what you are dealing with on a regular basis.

In your journal, you can include information about your baby. You can always read this part to your spouse after they come home or include some of it in a letter to him. Journaling will help you get your feelings out and that is a big part of going through a deployment.

3) Keep Perspective- Keeping perspective is the hardest thing to do when you are going through a difficult time. Yes, you miss your spouse and it totally sucks that they are gone and missing your baby’s first year.

However, you get to be with your baby. You get to see everything. You get to be apart of it all and you get to be the one to help your spouse experience some of what they are missing back home.

Remember, deployments won’t last forever and most people do not have to experience such a long deployment like I had to. Yes, your husband is missing a lot right now but he will be home and be able to make memories with you and your children again soon. Remember that.

4) Stay Busy- I know staying busy is the most common advice you can get about surviving a deployment but it’s so true. The busier you are, the more time will fly. Just keep busy doing fun activities that your children enjoy.

If you have older children, make plans for them and bring your baby along. If the baby is your only child, make plans to go to playdates and walks to get out of the house. Find other mom friends and try to work on yourself as you can. Staying busy with your baby will help you enjoy that first year but also allow time to pass so your spouse will be home with you again.

Missing a lot of their child’s first year is hard for service members. It can also be hard on the parent who is at home. Wanting to enjoy that first year fully but also wanting the year to go by so they can get back to regular family life. This isn’t easy and one of those things military spouses have to deal with during their years as a military family.

Has your own spouse been away for your baby’s first year? How did you deal with it?

Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

by 3 Comments

Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

Thriving during a deployment is the ideal. Being in survival mode, especially for months at a time is not. The truth is, for my deployments, survival mode has been the norm. Just being able to get through the day, doing what I needed to do for the kids and my home had to be enough. There wasn’t too much thriving going on, at least it didn’t feel like there was.

I would wake up each morning and make sure my day was full.  By the time the kids went to bed, I would feel like I accomplished something important, another day down.  Another day to cross off the calendar.  I made sure my kids were healthy, fed and the house was relatively clean. I didn’t worry too much about doing more than that. Sure, I wanted to make their days fun but some days we needed to stay home. Not every day during a deployment was going to be as successful as I wanted the day to be. Not every day was going to be so filled with exciting adventures that I would forget about the deployment.

Too much for one day

I remember one day during our third deployment. I was back on post for the second time that day, running around doing something. I was so tired and I knew we would have to be back again at 5:30 for T-ball practice. I lost it in the car. I just couldn’t do it. I just started crying because I felt like what I was dealing with was too much. I needed to come home and just chill. We skipped practice that day. Doing so made for a better night and a much less stressed out mommy.

 

Some Sundays we didn’t go to church. Some nights we had cereal for dinner. That was the reality for me. I can’t do it all when I am the only one doing it. 

There is the idea that as Military spouses we are strong and can get through anything without any tears. In reality, tears come. They might happen behind closed doors, in the car or in the shower but we shed them. We are only human and we can only take so much at a time.

There are things you can do to help you thrive.

You can spend time with friends. Work on a project. Figure out something to keep yourself busy that can also help your soul. You can start writing in a journal, attend a bible study or join a workout group. You can make silly videos with your kids or learn about all the new hiking trails in your city.

If you feel like you are only in survival mode during a deployment, that’s okay. Don’t be hard on yourself. Know that this time will pass and the thriving will come later. The thriving will be when you feel that you are a stronger person because of that deployment. When you look back during the months your husband was away and know that you were able to keep your house together and help your children. The thriving will come when you sit down with a younger military spouse years later and help her get through her own deployment.

Surviving deployments

So as you start your deployment and make your way to the finish line, remember. You don’t have to have things all together. You can be in survival mode. Because sometimes, that is what you have to do to get through the deployment. Take each day as it comes. Work on yourself and your family. And remember, time will past, deployments will end and your life will change again and you won’t always be doing it alone.

Do you struggle with thriving during a deployment?  Do you feel like you are in survival mode more often than not?

 

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

by Leave a Comment

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

I love the military spouse community. In my local area and online. I love all the supportive people I have met over the years. I love how we can help each other out. The truth is, a lot of us can feel lost in the sea of separations, losing friends and the hardships that military life can bring.

We don’t always have good days and sometimes we really just need someone to listen and help us get through the struggle.

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

 

Some spouses are quite lonely and can’t imagine how we are going to get through the next few months.

Some spouses struggle with depression and anxiety. To be alone in the house is terrifying. Yet, they married a soldier. Someone who will deploy. Someone who will not always be home.

Some spouses are homesick and miss having a group of friends. They are having a hard time finding a new friend group. And yet, here they are, on the eve of a deployment, unsure about how they are going to get through the 9 months he will be away.

Some spouses lost a parent or a child and are finding life more difficult than usual.

Some spouses are just sad about how things are going and what’s ahead for them. Military life can be scary.

Some spouses have been through several deployments already and they are tired and want a break. One that will not come because of trainings and more deployments in the future.

Some spouses are struggling with their marriages and can’t figure out how to get things to a better place.

Some spouses are having a hard time with their children. Children who are missing their father so much they act out and those with special needs that are missing the support that the other parent in the home brings.

These spouses need support. They need love. They need kind suggestions. They do not need harsh words. They do not need to feel less than or that something is wrong with them for missing their husband a little too much. They do not need to feel like bad moms because they don’t feel like they are getting this solo parenting thing down.

Over the years I have heard phrases that make me cringe. Comments from other military spouses that should not be said. Comments that sting and create a divide in the military world.

So as a community, this is what you should never say to a military spouse!

“Well, you knew what you signed up for.” Actually, no one knows this. Each military career is different depending on different factors. Each spouse handles things in different ways. You never know what you are signing up for.

“Why are you complaining? At least your deployment is only 9 months instead of 12.” Oh, the deployment comparison game we like to play. It’s easy to do. Your friend is upset about a shorter deployment and you wish your spouse could only be gone for that amount of time. I get that. But we simply don’t have to say anything to that friend. We don’t. Telling someone that they should be happy their spouse is only gone for X amount of time is not helpful.

“I wish my husband would deploy.” Sigh…yes, we get it. Some people do want their spouse to deploy. I do believe that is valid. But it should probably not be said to a spouse whose husband does deploy a lot or is going through a deployment. To a spouse who would give anything for her husband to not deploy.

“Dependa anything” Do I need to say more? Is this even a word? Who even started using it? Please just stop with this term. It’s insulting.

We need to remember that not everyone is going to handle military life the same way. We are all going through something, whether we admit what that is to people or not. We all have a story to tell. What is easy for one person is going to be more difficult for others.

As a military community, we need to come together and help support the struggling military spouse.

Help them get through her current struggle. Let her know we are there for her and we get it. Because like it or not, we are in this together. We are the people who stand behind those who serve our great country. We are the ones they miss and the ones they come home to. We can be supportive and we can be the help someone needs to get through everything military life throws at her.

Have you ever seen We Were Soldiers? The DVD has a deleted scene that I have always loved. The deleted scene is all the wives in the church while their husbands are fighting in Vietnam. What I love about this scene is it is the perfect example of spouses being there for each other. One of the wives was to sing a song in front of the church and just couldn’t do it. What did the other spouses do? They started singing with her. I love this because this act is a small example of military spouses being there for one another, the way that we should be.

How can you support other military spouses?

 

The Independent Military Spouse

by 1 Comment

The Independent Military Spouse

The Independent Military Spouse

When you have a spouse that is away from home a lot of the time, things change. You have to become more independent. Even if you don’t want to be. Even if you want to fight that. Independence will come even if the skill is a hard one for you to learn. You simply can’t rely on your spouse for everything that you used to. When my husband has been deployed, I am 100% in control of everything. I have to be. Sometimes we would go more than a week without talking. I was the one that has to make most if not all of the decisions. All the daily stuff falls to me.

You become the Independent Military Spouse!

What we do each day, what we eat, when the kids go to bed and everything in between. I have had to make decisions about preschool, special needs, traveling and what to buy for the home. Decisions on things that might not have been all up to me if he had never been deployed. I have to be the one to make sure all the bills are paid and that we are doing everything we are supposed to in order to keep the home running.

When he would get home, I didn’t want to be 100% in charge anymore but that was a role that was hard to drop.

The Independent Military Spouse is going to be in charge more often than not. She or he has to be. It wouldn’t make any sense to have the person who is not even home to be in charge of the running of the household.

The best thing to do is to talk about your expectations ahead of time. Find out if your spouse cares about where your children go to preschool, if you travel anywhere or what bills to pay down before others. Find out what they want to have a say in. You might assume they don’t care because they aren’t home but that might not be the case for everyone.

After years as a military spouse, you will have no choice but to become more independent. You will have to step up, even if stepping up is not in your nature to do so. If you have never been in charge of the bills, sit down with your spouse and talk about what is expected. This can be a scary change but going over everything so that you are both prepared for any separation is a must.

Being prepared during any type of separation includes how to run your household.

I never used to know how to mow the lawn but when my husband was set to deploy the first week of June, I knew I would have to learn. We didn’t want to have to spend money on someone doing the lawn for us. I was scared and unsure of how to use the mower so my husband took some time to show me. I tried mowing the lawn on my own the first time before he left just so I knew I was doing it correctly. It might sound like a silly thing to worry about but after learning how to do the lawn myself , I was fine. I didn’t have to depend on him to get the lawn mowed.

Talking with other Military spouses about this can also be helpful. If you are struggling with doing it all or not sure what your role is anymore,talking to others in the same position can help. A military marriage is going to look different than a civilian one. Find what works for you and your family and what can work while your spouse is away. Figure out how to be the Independent Military Spouse you need to be.

Do you enjoy being in control of everything when your spouse is gone? How does it work when they get home? Is it something your struggle with?

I Am Not A Perfect Military Spouse

by 2 Comments

There she is. She is always dressed so nicely. No yoga pants for this lady. She always brings the best food to every potluck. She is always there to help and always there with a smile. She never looks stressed and she never has to worry about her kids acting up. She is her husband’s #1 fan and no matter what happens in military life, she answers with a smile. A deployment? No problem. A move in the middle of the school year? She has got this. She never complains and rarely sheds a tear. She was made for this life. This perfect military spouse.

I Am Not A Perfect Military Spouse

Is she the person we are supposed to look up to? She is the one we should all be like, right? I am going to say NO! The idea of a perfect military spouse is frustrating. She might not even exist because even if someone appears that way, we don’t know what struggles they are probably going through at home. No, I am not a perfect military spouse and I don’t want to be one. I am me and I bring what I can to this lifestyle.

Deployments

I support my husband’s career but I hate deployments. I could never understand why my husband had to keep deploying. Even though I knew that was such a part of this life. I just wanted my husband home with us, was that too much to ask?

Potluck Foods

If there is a potluck I might make something but usually I am running to the store to pick up something easy. It really just depends  and I don’t want to be a flake but that is just the way these things go. I would love to be able to find something good on Pinterest and make an amazing dish but I always seem to fall short on that.

Volunteering

I want to be a good spouse and volunteer but my issue is my schedule and my kids. What can I do that wouldn’t be too stressful and would allow me to bring my kids? What can I add to my schedule? What can I do to give back that works for my family? The whole thing is very overwhelming for me. I have been able to find ways to volunteer within organizations like PWOC and MOPS which is great. I just wish I could do a bit more but maybe that will have to wait until a less crazy busy time in my life.

Clean House

I try to keep my house clean but the socks and the stickers and the dishes. Oh, my! With three boys, staying on top of things can be so difficult, even with them helping with some of the chores. I keep having to figure out new cleaning schedules and ways of getting everything done. I am beginning to think that some people were meant for spotless homes and others were not.

My Husband’s Job

When my husband has been deployed, I don’t want to know what he is doing until he is back home and the deployment is over. I can handle hearing about his dangerous job a little more when what he has done is in the past. People would ask me what he was doing over there and I really didn’t know more than just a general idea of his job. And that’s okay. Some spouses don’t know anything about what their husbands do because of security reasons. That’s okay too.

I Did The Best I Could

Over the years, I can honestly say I have done the best I could do. Solo parenting has been the hardest part. I cringe when I hear people say they never had a hard time as a military spouse or that we have no right to complain because we picked this life. Yes, we picked this life but when doing so we really had no idea what it was going to be like. And each member of the military can have such different experiences during their military careers. No one knows what military life will really be like going in.

So…whether you are new to being a military spouse or have been one for many years, never feel like you have to be the perfect military spouse. Be who you are and know that you have your own strengths.

You might not make a good potluck meal but you know how to fix your husband’s favorite food the day before he deploys. You might not have a super clean house but your house is always warm and comfortable to hang out at. Your kids might fight more than they should but they know they are loved and get to experience a lot of great things during their time as military children.

There is a lot that every military spouse can offer and that is a big asset to the military.

Have you struggled with trying to be the perfect military spouse? Can you let that go?

When Your Spouse Has A Dangerous Job

by 3 Comments

Sitting in the pre-deployment briefing before a deployment is surreal. You think you are ready for the deployment, but the reality is different emotions and feelings come up.

When they start to talk about what could happen and what the military will do if the worst does in fact happen can cause anyone to go into a panic. Knowing that your husband, your soul mate is going off to war and will be spending months in a very dangerous job isn’t something you can easily come to terms with.

When Your Spouse Has A Dangerous Job

You have to know the process too. You can’t stick your head in the sand about this. You have to know what will happen if your spouse isn’t going to make it home. You have to understand what will happen if your spouse gets injured or if you have an emergency back at home and you need to contact them.

You need to make sure they have an updated will and that all the right paperwork is filled out. These are the types of things that will come up in a pre-deployment briefing. They want you to be prepared and know what you will need to do if anything does happen when your spouse is deployed.

When you see them off, when they leave, when the deployment becomes real, there is a sense of fear that can stop you in your tracks if you let it. The key is to figure out methods to be able to deal with the fact that your spouse has a dangerous job. This isn’t just something military spouses have to do. Others have to do this when they are married to police officers, firefighters or any other job that can put their life at risk.

I wanted to share what worked for me and how I was able to come to terms with my husband having a dangerous job. For as hard as deployments were for me, this part of being deployed wasn’t where I struggled. Somehow I was able to get through my deployments without letting this fear overtake me.

Here are some things to keep in mind when your spouse has a dangerous job:

The News

The standard advice is to avoid the news, but I am going to say that depends very much on your personally. Some people need to watch the news to feel safer. Some are not bothered by watching the news at all.

Others have to stay away from the news altogether. You know yourself; you know what will set you off. If watching the news makes you more scared and worried about your spouse, don’t look at the news. Walk away from that until they come home.

Prayers

Relying on your faith traditions is important during a deployment. For me, that meant always praying and believing that I would be taken care of no matter what happened to my husband. Knowing that I had so many praying for him helped as well. Knowing that God was there, even in time of war was important.

Find your faith during the months your spouse is away and depend on it. Even if you are not super religious, you do believe in something so use that when things feel like they are falling apart and you are not sure you can handle your spouse being in a war zone. Meditate, pray and depend on others to help you through.

Preparing

I remember telling a non-military friend about how I didn’t think I would ever be emotionally prepared if something happened to my husband overseas but I was going to be as financially prepared as possible. I wanted to know what would happen to us. How we would live and what we would live on.

I wanted everything set and a plan in my head. This helped me feel better about everything and allowed me to stop dwelling on the what-ifs and focus on what I needed to do each day when he was gone.

Talking About It

Talking about all of this with others who are also going through a deployment can help. When my husband was deployed, I talked with my other Army wife friends about what we would do if something happened to our husbands.

We talked about the difficulties we might encounter with different family members or how our career plans would change. This was helpful because doing so allowed us to know we were not alone. Talking about your fears with others who understand them can be very therapeutic.

In the end, know that you are not alone in your worry. Worrying about your spouse going to a dangerous place and doing dangerous things is normal. However, you don’t have to let your fear overtake you to the point where you can’t live your life. You can prepare and do what you can to be able to get through the time they are over there.

How do you control your fear during a deployment? What has worked best when you have a spouse with a dangerous job?