Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

Making Your Holidays Special When Your Heart Is An Ocean Away

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He had left in November of that year for his 2nd deployment. That meant he was going to miss Christmas. We were also not going to be going home as we were in Germany and the idea of traveling with a 2-year-old and 4-year-old over the holidays was a little too much. Plus, my parents were coming to visit around my birthday in January.

As I looked ahead to Christmas day I couldn’t help but be sad about my husband missing the holiday. Our boys were still so young. These holidays are important. They are what we will look back to years in the future, the Santa years when everyone was young enough to believe and the toys were rather simple.

But there was nothing I could do. My husband would be in Iraq that Christmas and we would be home in Germany without him. The good thing was I was not alone. Quite a few other spouses were going through the same thing, being without their spouse for Christmas. This included one of my best friends, who also had small children.

We decided that being by ourselves this Christmas wasn’t going to work well for us. We also knew that we needed to plan something to help us get through the day. We made plans. We would spend Christmas morning with our own children, watch them open their gifts, and then meet up to make Christmas dinner together while our kids played.

This was one of the best things we could have done. Were we still sad and missing our husbands? Yes, but we had something else to focus on and so did our kids. That Christmas didn’t turn out to be too horrible after all and all it took was a little planning to make the holiday special.

The key to getting through the holiday season without your spouse by your side is to make the holiday special anyway. Do what you can to bring in the holiday joy, even if you don’t feel like doing so. Here are some great ideas on how to make your holidays special, even when your heart is an ocean away:

Plan Your Special Days

If you celebrate Christmas, plan that day out. What will it look like? Where will you eat? How will you spend that time? Find whatever will work for you and your family. Just plan something. Even if your plan includes taking the kids to a park and picking up fast food on the way home.

What will Hanukkah look like this year? What about New Years? Start planning now to figure out how those days can still be special for you and your children.

Save Presents

Save a few presents to open when mom or dad is back home, even if that will be June. You can have a mini-Christmas later. You don’t even have to let your kids know there are more presents. You can save presents for your deployed spouse as well. Make a fun day of your mini-Christmas after the deployment is over.

Take pictures

Your spouse might miss Christmas but they can still see what you did that day. Take photos of everything you do. Make an album and send that in your next care package or save it for when they get home. Your spouse will want to know how you spent the day.

Decorate

Decorate your house anyway, even if doing so seems hard. Sometimes people just don’t have the desire to do so but try to make yourself decorate anyway. You will be glad you did.

Life can’t stop just because they are deployed. Life has to keep moving, that includes decorating for the season. You can always put your tree up early if they are deploying right before the holidays. Sometimes we military families do things on a slightly different schedule than everyone else. You can also leave the holiday decor up longer than usual so your spouse can see everything when he gets home.

Video Chat With Family and Friends

I know we are probably all sick of Zoom but the holidays can be a good time to video chat with friends and family. Some families enjoy having the video chat on while opening gifts or even having a meal together.

Being able to reach out to others like this can be a good way to combat loneliness. Our family loves using the Facebook Portal and while talking on that is not the same as being together in person, it feels good to connect in that way.

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What have you done in the past to make the holidays special even when your spouse has been away? What advice would you give to new spouses going through their first holiday season alone?

To the Veterans

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To the Veterans

To the veterans who served before our time…in wars, we can only imagine having gone through.

To the veterans who served while life was changing back at home…when they were not even sure what the future would bring.

To the veterans who served even when that meant leaving their loved ones for way too long…unsure of when they would be returning back home.

To the veterans who served when serving wasn’t the popular thing to do…putting on the uniform isn’t easy.

To the veterans who first left for Iraq and Afghanistan, before we even really knew what was going on…and going back time and time again.

To the veterans who joined after 9/11, even though they knew how much the world had changed on that day…and how things would never be the same.

To the veterans who served because their parents, grandparents, or great-grandparents did…and they knew joining the military would always be a part of their future.

To the veterans who are the first in their families to put on a uniform…and they truly are not totally sure what that will mean.

To the veterans who served as the first women in the military, paving the way for future generations…so that today, women in uniform are a regular part of military life.

To the veterans who served, even when serving seemed too hard…some roads to the military can be more complicated than others.

To the veterans who came back home…and will always remember those who didn’t.

To the veterans that get up every day to go to work, not sure if anyone they will see today can truly understand what they have gone through…and hoping that they can find the support they need.

To the veterans who keep serving, even in the smallest of ways…to help future generations.

To the veterans who never thought they would make it home…and to those who did but will never feel the same again.

To the veterans with all the stories, hoping that younger generations can truly understand the sacrifices that were made…and all the stories about the friendships made during our countries battles.

We can never thank any of you enough for what you have gone through and what you have done for our country. One day a year simply isn’t enough. We can learn so much from your years and your wisdom, and America would not be America without you.

Who are the veterans in your life???

5 Important Conversations Military Couples Should Have During Military Life

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5 Important Conversations Military Couples Should Have During Military Life

It’s not always easy to sit down and have a conversation with your service member. But as a military couple, it is super important to have conversations about different aspects of your lives, from kids and your home to both of your careers. And as you know, the military has a prominent place in a military couple’s relationship.

The military dictates so much about our lives, from when our spouse will live in the home to where that home will actually be. It can be stressful, especially if you aren’t sure you are on the same page.

That is why communication is so important. And there are certain conversations that military couples should be having. Here are 5 of them:

The Deployment Talk — Before It Happens

So they are deploying. They have the orders. And you are preparing. Sit down together and talk about expectations while you are apart.

Talk about how you will communicate, how bills will be handled, and different things for the children. Things can change quickly during a deployment, but going in with clear communication will go a long way in preparing you for what is to come.

The PCS & Home Base Talk

Some military families do have some say in a duty station. Some don’t. But it is always helpful to know what you want if you get the opportunity to make a choice. Do you want to go to Hawaii? What would it mean to be stationed overseas? Does being stationed an hour from home make sense?

And then the PCS itself. What will the move look like? What will each spouse do? What will need to be done to prepare the kids? There is certainly a lot to talk about before a PCS.

The Money & Future Talk

When two spouses talk about money, things can get really stressful, especially if you are coming at it from different points of view. But it’s important to talk about.

What will you do with any extra deployment money? What does your current budget look like vs a deployment one? How much will you spend on an after-deployment vacation?

The “What If” Talk

This is the hard stuff. The stuff civilian couples might not be talking about as much in their 20s and 30s. But it’s super important.

Do you have updated wills? What about POAs? What will happen if the service member gets injured, or even worse? Where will you go if the worst does happen? These conversations are worth having for both spouses.

The “Who Are We Outside the Military?” Talk

Sometimes it can be way too easy to lose sight of goals outside the military. But they are essential, especially for the military spouse.

It’s a great idea to talk to one another about what you want to do in the future, whether it is pursuing a specific career path, having children, or living in certain places. Your goals matter too. And you want to be able to express them to your spouse.

At the end of the day, everyone’s marriages are different. There are things you need to talk with your spouse about that your friend might not need to. The important thing is to be open with them, keep the lines of communication open, and never stop sharing your life with one another, even across the miles.

5 Important Conversations Military Couples Should Have During Military Life

7 Things to Do When You Feel Like Military Life is Way Too Hard

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7 Things to Do When You Feel Like Military Life is Way Too Hard

Look, we have all been there. Your spouse comes home with some news. It isn’t good.

They moved up the deployment. They canceled your orders to a duty station near home. They didn’t make a promotion.

Whatever it might be, things can happen during military life that can feel like a punch in the gut. It hurts badly. And you can feel like you can’t do it anymore.

So what should you do when you feel like military life is way too hard? What can you do if your spouse’s enlistment isn’t over for years, or if they really want to make a career out of the military? What do you do when you can’t simply walk away from this crazy, stressful life?

1) Make sure you have some goals of your own

You want to make sure you always have your own goals to work on. That’s super important. Whether they are educational, career-related, or just personal. You matter too.

2) Make a bucket list of your duty station

Every duty station has something good about it, even if it is hard to see. Get on the internet, start googling, and make a bucket list for your area. You might not even realize what is around you.

3) Commit to trying one new thing a week, even if it is scary

Are there any groups in your area you can check out? Maybe you met someone and need to follow up with them to plan a coffee date? Commit to trying something new every week. You never know what might happen, and it can help take your mind off the military stuff.

4) Remember, you don’t have to love military life every minute of every day to support your service member

This is the truth of it. Sometimes the military makes you so mad. And it is okay to be angry with them. It doesn’t make you less of a military spouse if that is how you feel.

5) Plan a vacation

Sometimes you need a break. See if you can plan a vacation. Even if it is just for a weekend. Even if it is months from now.

6) Focus on the positives of this life

I know, I know, that IS hard to do when you are staring another deployment in the face too soon after they got home from the last one. But think about all the things you have been able to do, all the amazing people you have met, and all that can be done during your life as a military spouse.

7) Vent to a friend

It’s okay to vent to a friend. We all need that sometimes. Find someone who can be understanding, even if they are not a military spouse themselves. Venting to a non-judgmental person can be a great way to work through your feelings about an issue.

In some cases, it may be helpful to take it a step further and talk to a professional about how you are feeling. This life can be really hard sometimes. You don’t have to do it without the help that you need.

7 Things to Do When You Feel Like Military Life is Way Too Hard

Saying Goodbye During Military Life is Never Easy

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Saying goodbye during military life is the norm. Saying goodbye is never easy to do. Whether you are saying goodbye to your spouse before a long deployment, a best friend who is pcsing somewhere new, or to a season of your life, that you know is about to change.

Saying Goodbye During Military Life

We say goodbye when what we really want to say is don’t go.

We say goodbye when our heart is breaking over who we are saying goodbye to.

We say goodbye and then think, maybe see you later would be a better way to leave things.

As a military spouse, we say goodbye but we also get to say hello.

We say hello to new friends in a new neighborhood.

We say hello to a new way of life, miles from where we grew up.

We say hello to adventures and new memories, to lands we have never dreamed of.

As deployment orders come, we know the goodbye is in our future. We know that are days before the goodbye are limited. And we know that the day we have to say those words is going to be difficult for us to get through.

Then the day comes. They have to go, they have no choice. The military has to come first, and this time, she is blazing in, taking our loved ones away for a period of time.

But then, after the goodbye, maybe days after, maybe weeks. We figure out how to get through. We military spouses can’t live in the goodbye, we need to find our inner strength to make it through the time apart.

As friends tell us they are leaving. As they let us know the last day they can hang out with us. As they get excited about a new home, knowing that before they get there, we will have to say goodbye.

And during that last hug, we wonder when we will meet again. Will we have that meet-up next year? Will we stay in touch like we are promising? Is this truly a goodbye or more of a see you later.

Friends come and go during our military years. Some we still talk to, on a daily basis. Others fade into our memories, bringing us back to how life used to be.

We know we will always have the chance to meet new people. Maybe in a Facebook group, or at an online event. Maybe at an FRG meeting or even the local playground. And when we do, we hope that we will never truly have to say goodbye, no matter where the military road might take us.

We know seasons change, and our kids won’t stay young forever. We have to say goodbye to the way things were and move on to the way things are today. Knowing, that someday, this season will be over too.

We change as people, as the years go by. Everything we experience in life shapes us into our present selves. Deployments, and moves and hellos, and goodbyes. As the years pass by, we learn from our mistakes and see what we can do to be better prepared in the future.

Life in our 20s is different than life in our 30s and 40s. So many goodbyes and focusing on just those would be easy to do. But as a military spouse, focusing on the hellos and the new memories we will make can help us get to a better place, even if that is hard to do sometimes.

Saying goodbye during military life is a part of the deal. We know this, and we prepare. But saying hello to new adventures, new friends, and new experiences can be how we are able to handle this military life. We take the good with the bad and make the best of what we can.

12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

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12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

Your spouse just deployed. What now? What are you supposed to do? Here are 12 things you must do as soon as your spouse deploys.

1. Have a good cry

If you feel like you need to cry, do so. Put on a Disney video for your kids, go into your room, and let it all out. Then pick yourself back up, and plan for the rest of your deployment. For a lot of people, crying is a way to get all the sadness out. And having a good cry can get you in a better place so don’t be afraid to do so.

2. Call your mom

Call your mom. She can be there for you. You can also call your mother-in-law, your sister, or anyone you know that will lend a listening ear. The start of a deployment can be pretty shocking. You have to get used to your new normal, and that will take some time. Reach out to someone and let them know what is going on.

Surviving deployment

3. List your support system

Make a list of your support system. This sounds silly but having a list of who you can count on when your spouse is deployed is a good idea. List people you can call to get together with, those who you can call if you need help with childcare, or those you simply want to be around. The sad truth is not everyone is going to be supportive so spend your time with those who will be, whether they are civilians or other military spouses.

4. Buy some ice cream

Go ahead and buy some ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s works. Keep some in your freezer for those nights when deployment gets a little too difficult. Don’t like ice cream? Buy some brownies or cookie mix or anything you like to have on hand during the more difficult periods of military life.

5. Fill up your calendar

Get a calendar; any will do. I prefer paper calendars, but others like to keep everything online. Whatever you use, fill up your calendar. Make plans. Look for local events, add those too. Make plans with friends. Stay busy. One of the best ways to get through this deployment is to stay busy. You are going to need to fill up that calendar to do so.

Fill up your calendar

6. Buy a journal

Writing in a journal during a deployment is a good way to have a space to get your feelings out. The best thing about it is that no one else has to see what you write. You can write out how angry you are that your husband had to deploy again or how your wife is going to miss your son’s 2nd birthday. There are so many pretty journals out there too, take a look.  (affiliate link)

7. Get some wine or Dr. Pepper, whatever works

Get some wine or Dr. Pepper or whatever your drink of choice is. You know not to go crazy with the stuff but having a glass after the kids go to bed can be very relaxing.

8. Book a trip

Plan a trip back home. Plan a vacation to visit a friend or to take your kids to Disneyland. Make these plans so that you have something to look forward to and can have fun even when your spouse is deployed. While it can be hard to travel when you have babies and smaller children, see what you can do. If you have a friend, you can travel together and help each other out with the kids as well as making make memories together.

surviving deployment

9. Plan regular get-togethers

Plan some regular get-togethers with friends. Have book club at your house every Friday night, plan to have a weekly or monthly dinner with some of your friends with deployed spouses, or plan to meet at the park every Monday to get the kids out of the house and to have some coffee with your friends. Having these regular get-togethers can make the deployment go by so much faster.

10. Buy some stationary

You are going to want to write your spouse when they get an address. Go pick out some cute stationery to send to them.  Here are some stationary ideas! (affiliate link) Love letters during a deployment are the best!

11. Go to the post office

Get yourself to the post office or order supplies online. You will want to send care packages. Some get into this and send packages with the most creative of themes. Others send packages as their spouse needs things such as baby wipes or their favorite candy.

12. Read deployment posts

There are quite a few milspouse bloggers that write about deployments. You can learn a lot from these posts as each blogger brings their own experiences about deployment to their writing. They can give you an idea of how to get through your own deployment. Here are my deployment posts for you to read.

What do you do as soon as your spouse deploys?

5 Things I Have Learned During My Time As A Solo Parent

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16 years ago, my husband went to a recruiter for the Army reserves. We walked out of the place and said, “Nope, that isn’t going to be an option for us.” One reason was that he would have to drive a few hours to get to his monthly drills. Another reason was that I would have to be a solo parent and I couldn’t imagine it.

Yep, I couldn’t see how I could parent by myself. Doing so didn’t seem possible. I laugh about that now.

Back then I had one little boy who wasn’t even a year old yet. I really didn’t think I could handle solo parenting. It sounded awful. Just being the only parent around for days, weeks, months at a time? How could we even be thinking about that?

Well, as it turned out, we decided that active duty Army was the way to go. He signed his papers and left for Germany. Instant solo parenting!

Over the years I have in fact gone days, weeks, months, and one time over a year as the only parent in the house. Over the years I have learned a lot about myself, my parenting, and about how to be with kids when you are the only one in charge.

1) Some things ARE easier by yourself.

Take middle-of-the-night feedings. My husband was gone when boy #2 was a newborn and when #3 was about two months old. That meant he just wasn’t there during the months that my babies woke up to eat in the middle of the night.

As hard as it was to do that alone, not worrying about waking him up was nice. I didn’t have to be extra quiet as I climbed out of bed. I could turn the light on if need be. It really did make the middle of the night times a little bit easier.

2) Sometimes you can only do what you can do.

When it is just you, when you are tired and lonely and worn down, you look at what is important. You don’t dwell so much on the little silly things. You focus on what needs to get done and do it. That can be freeing in some ways.

3) No butting heads about the little things.

Since you are the solo parent, you don’t tend to ask your spouse about all the little parenting choices you have to make. All the choices are all up to you. You never want to do something your spouse would hate but you also won’t butt heads over something small.

4) More time for yourself. More time to think.

After you put the kids to bed, you can have your me time. This will give you more time to think. To think about what went right, to think about what went wrong and what you can do better the next day.

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband after the kids go to bed when he is home, but when he isn’t, I take the time to reflect a little more than I do when he is around.

5) You can do more than you think you can.

Going back to 2005, I didn’t think I could handle being a solo parent. When people tell me they couldn’t do military life, I remember that. I remember that I didn’t think I could either. Is it hard? Yep. Do you just want your spouse home when they are away? Yep. Can you make things work if you have to? Yes you can.

Whether your spouse is in the Military or has another job that keeps them away sometimes, solo parenting can be draining. Find some good support systems to help you through. Realize that you will have to let things go and enjoy the time that you do have together. You can get through it, I know that you can.

What a Government Shutdown Means to a Military Family

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I live in a military town, and many of the people I know here have a connection to the military in one way or another. That means that when there is a government shutdown, most of the people around here have to deal with the consequences of that.

While it seems hardly anyone in Washington even thinks about what a government shutdown means to a military family, those of us who are living it, feel the pain of the shutdown in many different ways. We already might be struggling, trying to figure out how to navigate military life and now we have an added stress upon us, until the government figures out how to fix all of this.

One of the biggest issues is, of course, pay.

Sure, active duty military will eventually get paid. But when? Luckily banks such as USAA and Navy Fed are stepping in to help.

However, those banks can’t help the emotional stress this type of thing can bring. Most people count on a regular paycheck, that is why they work. They put in their time, get paid, repeat. When there is a chance that pay can be disrupted, emotions can be all over the place.

If a service member is deployed, the idea that you wouldn’t get a regular paycheck is terrifying.

Here your spouse is, putting themselves in harm’s way, and while they are doing this the family has to stress about possibly not get paid? Why does America think this is an okay thing to do? The military should always get paid, on time, without question.

Government Shutdown

Beyond issues of pay, there are other factors we have to think about.

Here at Fort Campbell, the Commissary closed during previous government shutdowns. Now, since we do live in an American city, we have other choices, but at the same time, there are some things you can get at the Commissary for cheaper than in another grocery store in the area. While not having access to the Commissary here won’t cause anyone to starve, it can mess with a budget, especially if the government shutdown lasts a long time.

Friends who are overseas might have to deal with other issues from not getting their mail to possibly not being able to move when they need to or even to get orders that they should. In previous years, AFN services were unavailable during this time. While this does not seem like that big of a deal, it still messes with the morale of the service member and their families.

The National Guard and the Reserves can be hit hard when monthly drills, classes, and trainings are canceled.

This means less pay for the family that is probably depending on it. This means a setback for someone who is trying to further their career. This means that we will be less prepared and that is never a good thing for our country.

Beyond the military, there are other downsides to this government shutdown, with National Parks and even the Smithsonian possibly having to close to not being paid for a federal job. The shutdown causes havoc and the longer it goes on, the worse it will be.

As military spouses, we know that this life isn’t always going to be easy; no one is expecting it to be. However, when something like this happens, the added stress is a little too much, and all we really want is someone with the power to listen and fix this.

What a Government Shutdown Means to a Military Family

Stop using the military as a bargaining chip.

Make sure military pay is ALWAYS a done deal, no matter what. Understand that messing with military pay and benefits adds an extra hardship to our military families that we do not need to deal with. Whatever the debate is about, whatever is holding up the budget, take military pay and benefits out of it.

Although so few Americans are actually serving in the military, our country depends on the service of those who have decided to do so. We can’t treat them this way, we can’t let them down this way, we are better than that.

It doesn’t matter what side of the aisle you are on. It doesn’t matter who you voted for or who you support.

We all need to be on the side of making sure the military has what they need and has what they signed up for.

We need to make sure we don’t think of what is going on as normal or just the way things are. It is not okay and it should never be okay.

Resources for the 2025 government shutdown:

What Happens if There’s a Government Shutdown?

Military Families Face Pay and Benefit Uncertainty Amid Shutdown

A Military Spouse Guide to a Government Shutdown by amilitarywifeslife

Government Shutdown Assistance by Military Savings (Military Bridge)

USAA

NavyFed