Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

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Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

Thriving vs Surviving During A Deployment

Thriving during a deployment is the ideal. Being in survival mode, especially for months at a time is not. The truth is, for my deployments, survival mode has been the norm. Just being able to get through the day, doing what I needed to do for the kids and my home had to be enough. There wasn’t too much thriving going on, at least it didn’t feel like there was.

I would wake up each morning and make sure my day was full.  By the time the kids went to bed, I would feel like I accomplished something important, another day down.  Another day to cross off the calendar.  I made sure my kids were healthy, fed and the house was relatively clean. I didn’t worry too much about doing more than that. Sure, I wanted to make their days fun but some days we needed to stay home. Not every day during a deployment was going to be as successful as I wanted the day to be. Not every day was going to be so filled with exciting adventures that I would forget about the deployment.

Too much for one day

I remember one day during our third deployment. I was back on post for the second time that day, running around doing something. I was so tired and I knew we would have to be back again at 5:30 for T-ball practice. I lost it in the car. I just couldn’t do it. I just started crying because I felt like what I was dealing with was too much. I needed to come home and just chill. We skipped practice that day. Doing so made for a better night and a much less stressed out mommy.

 

Some Sundays we didn’t go to church. Some nights we had cereal for dinner. That was the reality for me. I can’t do it all when I am the only one doing it. 

There is the idea that as Military spouses we are strong and can get through anything without any tears. In reality, tears come. They might happen behind closed doors, in the car or in the shower but we shed them. We are only human and we can only take so much at a time.

There are things you can do to help you thrive.

You can spend time with friends. Work on a project. Figure out something to keep yourself busy that can also help your soul. You can start writing in a journal, attend a bible study or join a workout group. You can make silly videos with your kids or learn about all the new hiking trails in your city.

If you feel like you are only in survival mode during a deployment, that’s okay. Don’t be hard on yourself. Know that this time will pass and the thriving will come later. The thriving will be when you feel that you are a stronger person because of that deployment. When you look back during the months your husband was away and know that you were able to keep your house together and help your children. The thriving will come when you sit down with a younger military spouse years later and help her get through her own deployment.

Surviving deployments

So as you start your deployment and make your way to the finish line, remember. You don’t have to have things all together. You can be in survival mode. Because sometimes, that is what you have to do to get through the deployment. Take each day as it comes. Work on yourself and your family. And remember, time will past, deployments will end and your life will change again and you won’t always be doing it alone.

Do you struggle with thriving during a deployment?  Do you feel like you are in survival mode more often than not?

 

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

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What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

I love the military spouse community. In my local area and online. I love all the supportive people I have met over the years. I love how we can help each other out. The truth is, a lot of us can feel lost in the sea of separations, losing friends and the hardships that military life can bring.

We don’t always have good days and sometimes we really just need someone to listen and help us get through the struggle.

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

 

Some spouses are quite lonely and can’t imagine how we are going to get through the next few months.

Some spouses struggle with depression and anxiety. To be alone in the house is terrifying. Yet, they married a soldier. Someone who will deploy. Someone who will not always be home.

Some spouses are homesick and miss having a group of friends. They are having a hard time finding a new friend group. And yet, here they are, on the eve of a deployment, unsure about how they are going to get through the 9 months he will be away.

Some spouses lost a parent or a child and are finding life more difficult than usual.

Some spouses are just sad about how things are going and what’s ahead for them. Military life can be scary.

Some spouses have been through several deployments already and they are tired and want a break. One that will not come because of trainings and more deployments in the future.

Some spouses are struggling with their marriages and can’t figure out how to get things to a better place.

Some spouses are having a hard time with their children. Children who are missing their father so much they act out and those with special needs that are missing the support that the other parent in the home brings.

These spouses need support. They need love. They need kind suggestions. They do not need harsh words. They do not need to feel less than or that something is wrong with them for missing their husband a little too much. They do not need to feel like bad moms because they don’t feel like they are getting this solo parenting thing down.

Over the years I have heard phrases that make me cringe. Comments from other military spouses that should not be said. Comments that sting and create a divide in the military world.

So as a community, this is what you should never say to a military spouse!

“Well, you knew what you signed up for.” Actually, no one knows this. Each military career is different depending on different factors. Each spouse handles things in different ways. You never know what you are signing up for.

“Why are you complaining? At least your deployment is only 9 months instead of 12.” Oh, the deployment comparison game we like to play. It’s easy to do. Your friend is upset about a shorter deployment and you wish your spouse could only be gone for that amount of time. I get that. But we simply don’t have to say anything to that friend. We don’t. Telling someone that they should be happy their spouse is only gone for X amount of time is not helpful.

“I wish my husband would deploy.” Sigh…yes, we get it. Some people do want their spouse to deploy. I do believe that is valid. But it should probably not be said to a spouse whose husband does deploy a lot or is going through a deployment. To a spouse who would give anything for her husband to not deploy.

“Dependa anything” Do I need to say more? Is this even a word? Who even started using it? Please just stop with this term. It’s insulting.

We need to remember that not everyone is going to handle military life the same way. We are all going through something, whether we admit what that is to people or not. We all have a story to tell. What is easy for one person is going to be more difficult for others.

As a military community, we need to come together and help support the struggling military spouse.

Help them get through her current struggle. Let her know we are there for her and we get it. Because like it or not, we are in this together. We are the people who stand behind those who serve our great country. We are the ones they miss and the ones they come home to. We can be supportive and we can be the help someone needs to get through everything military life throws at her.

Have you ever seen We Were Soldiers? The DVD has a deleted scene that I have always loved. The deleted scene is all the wives in the church while their husbands are fighting in Vietnam. What I love about this scene is it is the perfect example of spouses being there for each other. One of the wives was to sing a song in front of the church and just couldn’t do it. What did the other spouses do? They started singing with her. I love this because this act is a small example of military spouses being there for one another, the way that we should be.

How can you support other military spouses?

 

4th Of July Cookie Cake

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4th of july cookie cake

4th Of July Cookie Cake

Yay! Happy 4th of July! I really love this holiday. The 4th of July is usually a lot of fun around here. As I look out my window this morning, I am a little disappointed that it is overcast with storms in the forecast but what can you do? Welcome to Tennessee in the summer. You never know what you are going to get on the 4th of July. We have been hearing fireworks at night for days and I am sure that will continue for the next week.

I think second to Christmas, the 4th of July has a lot of great dessert options. You can do so much with red, white and blue. Just visit Pinterest and type in “4th of July ” desserts and there will be so many to choose from.

I wanted to make a fun dessert for my boys for the 4th of July. I decided to make a cookie cake because we love cookies, we love cake and I have never made one before although I have been wanting to.

I found this Fireworks Sugar Cooke Cake recipe at Crazy for Crust. I ended up using a little more butter in my frosting and had to bake the cake for a little bit longer but that seems to be the norm with my oven. I also just used rainbow sprinkles instead of just red, white and blue.

4th of july cookie cake

I like to get everything together before I get started. This makes baking a little easier and can help avoid starting on a recipe and then finding out I am missing something. I have assumed I had plenty of flour when in reality I only had half a cup left.

 

4th of july cookie cake

Mixing the butter and sugar. This Kitchen Aid was one of the best gifts I have ever gotten. Makes baking a little easier. Before I got one I was using a half-broken hand mixer I had gotten second-hand in college. It was time for an upgrade.

 

4th of july cookie cake

Look at all that yummy goodness! Good things calories don’t count on holidays huh?

 

4th of july cookie cake

Almost ready and I think this is going to be a yummy dessert!

4th of july cookie cake

Ready for the oven! A little nervous.

 

4th of july cookie cake

The end product! And it was very yummy. I need to figure out how to do this without all my M&Ms cracking but I will be making this again. You could really use any themed M&Ms and you could even color the icing to match.

Do you like making desserts for the 4th of July? What is your favorite one to make?

What the 4th of July Means To Me

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I was provided free product to write a review. All opinions are my own!

4th of julyWhat the 4th of July Means To Me

When I was a child, my neighborhood had a 4th of July parade every year. These were so much fun for us kids, and the parents too. Some of the streets got together and came up with different themes. The kids could decorate bikes and ride them along the parade path. Then they would give out prizes for who had the best decorations. This was a time for our community to get together and celebrate America. When I was about 9 years old I won 1st place and my brother won 3rd. That was an exciting year!

After the parade, we would usually pick up something like fried chicken and end up going to a picnic which would lead to fireworks once it got dark outside. The places we went for this varied but the experiences were the same. Spending time together as a family in our community, celebrating our nation’s birthday.

As an adult with my own family, I have spent Independence Day in different ways. Sometimes we would go to a city event, other times we would be on vacation. Some years we would bbq at home and others we would spend with friends. Whatever we end up doing, thinking about what the day really means is so important.

When I think about what Independence Day means to me, I think about America and how she began. About all the people who gave up their lives to fight for her freedom. To all the people who came before us to make our country the great place that it is today. I think about everything that has happened over the years. The good, the bad.

As a military spouse, I look at the 4th of July as a day to remember those who have fought for our country. Those who went to war and those who stayed home keeping up the home front. The fact is, people had to take risks and give up so much so that our country could become what it is today. And for that I am grateful.

This independence day I plan to enjoy the time with my family. Last 4th of July my husband was at AT with the National Guard and this year he is home with a few days off. Yay!

4th of july

My Independence Day tree

Do you like to decorate for the holidays? What about for Independence day? The great people at Tree Classics sent me one of their trees for review. I received a Brentwood Glistening White Pine-A shimmering tree with glistening clear lights and I decorated the tree for Independence Day this year.

I found some red, white and blue ribbon, stars, garland and flag ribbons to decorate my tree with. I love how everything turned out.

4th of july

4th of july

This tree really does look like it is glistening. The clear lights make the tree look so pretty, especially at night. I also love the size. We don’t have vaulted ceilings and the 7.5ft tree fits just right. As my 5 year old said, “Wow! This tree is way taller than me.”

Right now the tree is decked out in red, white and blue but I am already thinking about ideas for Christmas.

You can learn more about this tree and other trees that Tree Classics has to offer. Although we are in the middle of summer now, the holidays will be here before you know it and you want to make sure you have a good tree to decorate with.

How do you like to decorate for the 4th of July?

Planning Vacations as a Military Family

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I have received compensation for this post from TravelCenters of America. All opinions and work are my own.

Planning Vacations as a Military Family

 

Planning Vacations as a Military Family

“They took away my weekend pass.” He said.

“What? How is that possible? We are leaving tomorrow!”

I couldn’t believe what he was saying. We had been in Germany just about two months and we had planned our first trip. We were going to take the train to Salzburg and meet up with a friend of mine that live in Austria. We would spend two nights in Salzburg exploring the city. Salzburg was the first city on my Germany bucket list. And now my husband tells me he can’t go.

Little did I know that this can happen. In our case, I was able to put my son in hourly for the next day. My husband picked him up after work and stayed with him while I went on ahead and met my friend in Austria. My friend and I had a great time but we lost money on the train tickets and I always wonder what that trip could have been like.

Months later I was sitting at the base travel agent getting ready to buy tickets to California. I had probably asked my husband about ten times if it was okay to buy them. He was coming home from deployment and then we were going to fly to California for a month. If I bought the tickets and the dates changed, we would be out money. I was so worried that his homecoming date would change yet again. He assured me that they had assured them that this is when their leave would be and we were okay to buy tickets. So I did, I worried the whole time but I did and we were able to go to California as planned.

One of the truths about military life is that plans are never set in stone until they happen.

There are many reasons why there could be delays. Leave can be canceled or changed. So what can a military family to in order to plan a vacation? How can you make plans for anything without running the risk of losing money? What are you to do?

So what can a military family do in order to plan a vacation? How can you make plans for anything without running the risk of losing money? What are you to do?

Over the years I have learned the hard way about what you can do and what you should do when you are a military family who wants to plan a vacation. I hope these tips can help you to military proof your vacation plans…

1. Know that things can change. One thing you have to do is know that things can change. Know that you might have to change your dates around or deal with canceled leave. Knowing this is a possibility ahead of time will help you deal with the disappointment a little better when a cancellation or delay happens. I had no idea they could take away your leave after you booked your trip, but that is what happened. After that, I knew that things could change, even at the last-minute.

2. Find good companies. I have learned that if you can go with companies that allow you to change your dates for free or for a low price, do so. This isn’t always possible but before you book anything to find out what you would have to do to change your dates. That way you will know what you will be dealing with if plans change. Some companies might even accept deployment orders as a reason for why you are having to change the date.

3. Be flexible on your dates if you can. If possible, keep your dates open-ended. This is possible if you are visiting family and don’t have to book anything. Let your family know that the dates are tentative and you are not 100% sure those will be the actual dates you are there. This will help with any expectations your family has about when they will see you.

4. Have a backup plan. Always have a backup plan. What would you do if your spouse’s leave was cancelled? Would you go on the trip without your spouse? Would you postpone for another time? Cut the trip short? By having a plan you will know what your next step is if things change.

5. Don’t tell the kids. For the love, don’t tell your kids. I know that is hard for some people, I want to tell my kids the minute we have plans to go anywhere. But a lot of kids won’t understand that changing things last-minute is how the military works. You don’t want to have to deal with a child that thought they were going to their favorite amusement park and then they were not.

Supporting the military

Speaking of traveling…as it is summertime right now, a lot of you will be out on the roads taking vacations. I wanted to let you know about how TravelCenters of America are honoring Active Military and Veterans. For six weeks this summer travel season, customers are encouraged to visit TravelCenters of America LLC (TravelCenters TA® and Petro Stopping Centers®) to support military heroes. 

TravelCenters is honoring the sacrifice of active military personnel and veterans by encouraging restaurant guests to order a meal in support of the National Military Family Association (NMFA), a nonprofit that works to strengthen and protect military families. From June 28 to August 5, participating Country Pride and Iron Skillet locations will donate $1.00 to the NMFA for each entrée ordered from a select group of menu items.

How great is that? 

 

22 Fun Ideas For Staying Busy During a Deployment

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The number one tip you are going to get to survive a deployment is to stay busy. That you need to stay busy during a deployment to make it through. To fill up your calendar. To have something going every day. This is true. The busier you are, the faster time will go and the sooner the deployment will be over. When you don’t have anything to do, time drags.

Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to do each day to stay busy during a deployment, especially if you are new to the area and haven’t met a lot of people yet.

Here are 22  fun ideas on how to stay busy during a deployment. Things you can do to keep busy and help your deployment go by a little bit faster. Take these as a starting off point and create your own list of ideas to help you stay busy during a deployment.

22 Fun Ideas For Staying Busy During a Deployment

  • Join a club- Whatever you’re into, join a club about it. Love to read? Join a book club. Love to hike? Joining a hiking club. Can’t find a club for what you want? Start one. Finding something you love to do is the best way to get through a deployment. You also have a big chance of making some friends while you do.
  • Start a sport- Sports can be a great way to pass the time. You could sign up for a local team such as indoor soccer or volleyball. They might just meet once a week but that is okay. You can have fun at the practices, at the games and get to know the other people on your team.
  • Playgroups- Playgroups are such a great way to spend your time when you have little kids. You take them, they go off and play and you can hopefully talk with other moms. Even if you don’t meet anyone the first few times, if your child is having fun, keep taking them. Eventually you will start talking with the other moms and hopefully, make friends. You can also go to playgroups around nap time, which makes the day go by a lot faster.
  • Regular dinners- Having regular dinners with friends is also a great idea. Get a group together and take turns meeting at each other’s houses or even a park. You can have your kids eat before you go and then let them play while you eat your dinner with your friends. This can help with the nighttime routine and will help with the loneliness around that time of day.
  • Regular coffee meetups– Another way to get together with friends is plan a weekly coffee date. Mondays work well because it is the day after the weekend and sometimes the weekends are the most difficult part of a deployment.
  • Walks- Going for a walk is such a great idea. Not only will it help you pass the time but it can get you out of a funk. It is also good for your health and can allow you to reach the weight loss goals you made for yourself during the deployment. You can walk with a friend, listen to music, listen to podcasts and audiobooks. You can also stick your children in the stroller if they are young enough and take them with you.
  • Start a new hobby- Deployments are the perfect time to start a new hobby. Think about what you have been wanting to learn. You can take a class or do it on your own. Finding a new hobby is something you can enjoy for years to come, not just during the deployment.
  • Go back to an old hobby- Is there something you used to do that you haven’t done for a while? A deployment is a great time to get back into your old hobbies. Especially if you still have supplies or equipment in your home.
  • Photography- Taking photos can be a great way to destress and to get to know your area. Go on photo walks and remember to bring a camera or even your phone out with you to take photos. Learn how to be a better photographer. Take a photography class. You will be glad that you did.
  • Travel- Deployments can be the perfect time to travel. The idea of going places without your spouse can be scary or you can feel badly that he or she is missing out. This is something to think about. You don’t have to take a once in a lifetime trip. Save that for when they are home but take some time to plan at least one trip. You can go visit a friend, family or just go sightseeing
  • Write a book- Have you always wanted to write a book? Now is your chance. Spend the extra time that you have on starting that book. You might not finish the book during the deployment but you can get started and that is a good thing.
  • Start a blog- When your spouse is away it might be the right time to start a blog. Even if you are just writing down your thoughts about what you are currently going through. You don’t even have to show the blog to anyone or you can have a private blog for a select audience.
  • Organize your home- When you are the only adult in your home, getting organized can be a little easier. You can go through your home and declutter, work on home projects and change things around. Deployments are a great time to do this type of thing.
  • Paint your house- Want to change the color of your bedroom? Meaning to paint the kitchen and it just hasn’t happened yet? When your spouse is away, make plans to paint. Make sure to run any color choices by them if you think they would care about the colors. Then buy your supplies and make a plan to paint. You can even invite friends to come over and help you.
  • Look for a new house- If you are planning to move after the deployment, you could start your home search early. You can look online, research schools and neighborhoods or even go look at homes with a real estate agent. There is a lot you can do to prepare for your future move.
  • Find a job- If you feel you have too much time on your hands or you want to further your career, go find a job. It might take time to find one and then once you do, you will be able to stay busy. You will also be adding to your own career which is always a good thing.
  • Go back to school- Deployments are a great time to go back to school. Whether you do so online or in person, find a program and apply. It will be easier to study when they are gone.
  • Take one class- If you don’t want to go back to school full time you can take a class or two. You could take one on a skill you have been wanting to learn or you can take a class toward a degree you would like to eventually to get.
  • Volunteer- Working as a volunteer can be a great way to spend the deployment. Whether you do so at your child’s school or for the FRG. Find a way to give back. This is also a great way to make friends.
  • Visit Family- If you get along with your family, plan a trip to go see them. Stay a few days, a week or even a month. Whatever works for you and your situation. 
  • Exercise- Working out and exercising can be a great thing to get into when he is away. You can work on losing weight or just becoming a healthier person. Join a gym or a working group or get together with friends to do a workout video together. 
  • Read more books- Books are the best and can be a great way to pass the time. Make a list of books you want to read while they are gone and get started on them the day they leave. Need some suggestions? 

How do you stay busy during a deployment? What would you add to this list?

The Father Who Has Missed So Much

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The Father Who Has Missed So Much

“Yes, when he was 2.5 he was doing that too,” my husband said to me one day when we were watching our children play. He was talking about our oldest when he was the same age as his little brother.

“No, he didn’t. You were deployed remember?”

This kind of conversation happens often at our house. Memory is an interesting thing. We never fully remember the way things really were. In my husband’s case, he just wasn’t there for a lot of what happened during my children’s earlier years.

He was deployed. Away from home serving his country.

My husband is a wonderful father. I knew he would be from the first week that I met him. I saw how he talked about children, how he showed me photos of his niece that he kept in his wallet. He was a good uncle then and I knew he would make a great father in the future.

We became parents in 2004 and I was proven right. From the start, he knew just what to do. He and my son bonded right away and our parenting journey was off to a great start.

13 months later we were saying goodbye and starting our military journey.

One that would take this great father away from his children for months on end. He would end up missing so much. So so much.

He missed when my son started to walk. I filmed it and sent it to him in Germany. He missed his 2nd birthday by a month so we celebrated that one early. He missed his 3rd birthday and his 5th birthday and his 9th birthday. He missed the birth of his 2nd little boy and his whole first year. He missed me figuring out how to be a mom to two. He missed our son starting preschool and learning to talk in sentences. He missed potty training and Christmas and summers. He missed a lot of those early years, ones that we will never get back. As I look back over the years I know this is a part of what we signed up for.

When you join the military, you are not only signing up to defend your country but you are also signing up for months without your family.

You are signing up to say that you will miss birthdays and anniversaries and births and all the firsts that most Dad’s get to be around for. As heartbreaking as missing these moments are, you know this is all apart of your job.

This father’s day I can’t help but think of my husband and all the other dads that have missed so much over the years. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to say goodbye to my son at three weeks and not see him again until he was 11 months old. One letter my husband wrote to me during that time talked about how weird it was to have two boys and love them both so much but to only really know one of them.

That’s just how it is sometimes. Some dads don’t get to meet their children until they are crawling. Others miss out on kindergarten and some will watch their son or daughter graduate from high school on a video.

These men know this when they sign up for the military but it doesn’t make going through it any easier.

Let’s remember these fathers this Father’s Day. Let’s remember what they have given up over the years to serve our country. Let’s never forget about their children and the sacrifices they make going through their lives without him by their side for all the moments and milestones they go through.

My husband is in a place in his career where he won’t have too many more times where he will be away from us. This is freeing and I am looking forward to our family always having him there. However, I will never forget the years that he wasn’t, what he has missed and what others are missing in the years to come.