“Why are you so quiet?”

I was asked this SO many times as a kid and you know what, I hated it so much. I was so shy, I had social anxiety I am sure, and I was an introvert.

And because of that, I struggled a bit. Sure, with my best friends and family I could be super loud. I remember my parents telling me they were going to tape record (yep, 80s kid here) me and give it to my teachers.

My shyness was really a struggle. I can remember people asking me questions and being TERRIFIED to answer them. I just couldn’t talk to them.

As a young teenager, I was able to use humor to help a little, although that didn’t always go well. I found myself repeating lines from Saturday Night Life or some other funny show in order to fit in with people.

As an older teenager, things got a little easier for me. Then I left for college.

College was so much easier. I was able to talk to more and more people. I didn’t get scared when people asked me a question. I could go up to people and talk to them without much issue.

Fast forward to today. I am in my 40s. Most days I feel like an introvert, some days I can be more extroverted. I am still quiet. I don’t think anyone would call me loud, except my kids. Sometimes I feel pretty socially awkward, other days I don’t. It just depends on my mood.

If I walk into a room full of people I don’t know, I can handle myself. But doing so isn’t always comfortable.

I have gotten up in front of people to speak, and I would do that again, but I can also get pretty nervous when I do.

If I see someone I don’t know too well out and about, I struggle with if I should say hi or not. That is awkward for me.

I know that I am not the only military spouse who is an introvert. I know others struggle with making friends and going into situations where they are the new girl. I know how hard that can be.

But…as military spouses, we have to do it, at least on some level. We have to get out and attend something, whether it be an FRG meeting, a playgroup, or even a mandatory fun event. If we never go to anything, meeting other spouses will be that much harder to do.

Here are a few tips for introverted military spouses who need to make some friends:

• Use the internet

Find a local group about something you love to do. Join it. Get to know some of the people in the group online. Attend one of their events. When you go, you should have already interacted with a few people already, and that can make it easier to talk with others and make some real friends.

• Go places you can meet people

There are probably groups and clubs, and events going on at your duty station or in your city. See what is going on and find some places you would be interested in. MOPS is perfect if you have little kids.

Then make sure you go. Be friendly when you are there, and see what happens. You never know. And remember, there are going to be other introverted military spouses there too.

• Remember, you are not alone

Remember, you are not the only one who is shy, trying to make friends. Other people are too. You are not the only one that feels they have social anxiety, others do too. You are not the lone introverted spouse in a sea of extroverts. Whenever you go somewhere new, think about that, and hopefully, that will make the whole experience easier for you.

I like to say that making friends as a military spouse is a must. This is so true, but I also know getting out there to actually make those friends can be difficult. So, whether you are introverted, feel socially awkward, or just think you are pretty shy, you got this.

Military life can change us and push us to do things we didn’t think we could do. I think this is one of those areas. Military life will force you out of your comfort zone, but the rewards for doing so make it worth it.

What have you done to make friends as an introverted military spouse?

I was listening to Jen Hatmaker’s new podcast about friendship. The episode was an interview with Vicki Lovine who wrote the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy and other Girlfriend’s books. As Jen is doing a series on girlfriends, she is the perfect guest to talk about the subject.

During the episode, Vicki talks about how a lot of her friends she met when her children were very young on the playground. How they connected then and just grew through the years together. This reminded me so much of my mom and her friends.

She moved out to California from the Midwest after college and found her group of friends. Most of them had little girls the same age as me, and these women became like aunts to me. They were there throughout my childhood. These days, as they are in their 70s, some have moved away to be near their children in other places, but their friendship is still very strong.

When I was thinking about all this, I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. The moms I met at the playground back when my kids were a lot younger? Well none of us even live in the same country where we met.

This is the reality of military life. You or your friends always move away.

Maybe you get lucky, and you get to spend four or five years together. Maybe you end up getting stationed in the same place again. Maybe you can plan to see one other on vacation. But the reality is, once you or friends move away, that is it. Things are never the same again.

You don’t get to grow together in person, only across the miles. You can watch each other on Facebook, commenting and liking photos as your kids grow. They might have another baby, you might have another one too, and you are aware that there is a huge part of their life you know nothing about.

As military spouses, we accept that this is going to happen.

That the local friends we had when our son was two are not going to be the same local friends we have when they are twelve. We know that any friend group is going to be temporary. And saying that makes my heart hurt.

As we say goodbye to our best friends, we hope we can stay in touch. We hope that we can somehow keep things the same, even though we know they will be different. We hope that we can still talk every day, even if we don’t hear each other’s voices anymore.

And the truth is, you can stay in touch with friends who have moved away. But it takes a lot of work.

Work on your part and work on theirs. I have learned that if both parties are not up for that type of long-distance relationship, the friendship will fade away. You both have to want it. And more than want it, you have to have the energy to keep up with it. Life doesn’t always give us that.

One day you realize that you haven’t talked in over a year and you don’t see that changing anytime soon. You are aware that things are different now, and although they will always have such a special place in your heart, things will never even be close to the way they were. That’s life. 

But then, you have the friends where you can keep in touch.

Where you talk over text, like each other’s Facebook posts, and know what is going on in their lives. Where if you do see one another again in person, you know you won’t feel strange or weird because your friendship hasn’t missed a beat.

These friendships are the ones that will last. These are the people you will know years from now. These are the friends that you will always have.

I have cried so many tears over friends moving away. I do this because I know I will miss them and what we had. And even if I am aware that this was coming, it doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier.

The best thing to do is to have faith that your friendships can stand the test of time, even if you don’t talk too often.

Know that they could be missing you, just like you are missing them. That sometimes we are only friends for a season, but that doesn’t change what we learned from them or what we had together. And know that someday, things could be different.

That the constant moves of military life will end, that you will find a place to dig your roots into, that you will find friends that will be there as long as you are. That someday you won’t always have to say goodbye to the people who are special to you.

You will be able to look back over the years at all the people who you have called friends.

That although they live all over the US or even the world, that you know you became a richer person because of all of them. That you know that although the pain of saying goodbye will always be with you, the memories of what you had will also stay with you for the rest of your life.

Being a military spouse, you will have to say goodbye to your friends. Some will be your best friends; others will be more casual friends. And as hard as this will be, you are strong enough to endure the goodbyes. You will figure out how to cope and that will not stop you from making new friends wherever you go in the future.

Have you been able to stay in touch with your military friends over the years?