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For the Military Spouse Who Can’t Go Home For Christmas

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For the Military Spouse Who Can't Go Home For ChristmasFor the Military Spouse Who Can’t Go Home For Christmas

When I was in college, I went home every Christmas break. I loved that. A break from the college routine, a time to see my family and friends from high school. A time to be a “kid” again, if only for a few weeks. I can still remember going back to my apartment after my last final, finishing packing and getting ready to head to the airport.

When we first got married we decided that we would switch off each holiday. So one year we would spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his. Then the next year we would switch. This worked well for 3 years. Then we moved and my husband joined the Army and that schedule went out the window.

The truth is, military families have a harder time going home for the holidays.

Going home is going to be easier if you live close enough to drive. You might even be able to go for just the weekend. If you are overseas or across the country from home, getting there for Christmas is going to be a bit more difficult. Christmas block leave is a great thing but not everyone gets to take it. And even when you do, you might not be able to afford to fly the whole family back home.

There are a lot of reasons why military families can’t go home for Christmas.

Maybe you just got married, going home just isn’t an option and this will be your first year away from home for the holidays. Maybe your husband is deployed and with three small children, flying across the country alone just isn’t something you can do. Maybe you don’t even have a good family situation to go visit this year or maybe finances are tight and you need to save for your upcoming PCS in the new year.

Maybe you have fond memories of previous years or your own childhood. Of setting up the tree together, of going Christmas caroling with your childhood church, of baking cookies with Grandma and of having a night out with your best high school friends who you haven’t seen in a while. If you can’t go home, even if it is your choice, you can start to feel sad about all that you are missing. And there really can be a lot to miss. To not be there when everyone else in your family is coming together can be hard to deal with.

If you can’t go home for Christmas, you should do what you can to make the holiday special anyway, with your own little family.

Think up new traditions that your kids would love. Are you overseas? Try to incorporate some of the traditions from the country you are in. Take them back with you when you move back to the US. If you know other families that are staying around for the holidays, make plans to get together with them. Embrace not having to travel during the busiest travel days of the year. Think about how your children will have memories of waking up in their own beds on Christmas morning. See if anyone will come and visit you during the holidays instead. Sometimes it is easier for one or two family members to come out to see you instead of all of you going to see them.

So for the military spouse that can’t go home for Christmas…

Make your holidays a special one, even if you are not where you want to be. Make sure to call your mom on Christmas day, think about the new year and enjoy the quietest and more simple Christmas that you are having in your own home. You can’t always go home for Christmas and that is okay. You can still have a special Christmas filled with happy memories and moments with your own family and local community.

Do you usually go home for Christmas?

4 Steps To Turn A Bad Deployment Day Around

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4 Steps To Turn A Bad Deployment Day Around4 Steps To Turn A Bad Deployment Day Around

No matter how long your deployment is or how many deployments you have gone through, you will have good deployment days and bad deployment days. Usually, the first few weeks are going to be the most difficult and then the last month will crawl by. But in between the beginning and the end of the deployment, you will have days where you feel like you are rocking military spouse life and days where you feel like you can’t make it through another deployment day.

So what should you do if you are going through a bad deployment day? How can you make that day better and turn things around? Here are 4 steps that can turn a bad deployment day around and make the deployment a little more bearable.

1. Cry it out. Stop what you are doing, find your bed, your couch or wherever you feel comfortable and have a good cry. Let everything out. Take a moment to do this. Your body might need this release. If you don’t want to cry in front of your kids, go into your bedroom and shut the door. If you have to wait until bedtime, do so. There have been many nights where I kept things together during the day and then after bedtime, I was able to let go and work on feeling better about my day. I tend to be a more emotional person and crying is how I deal with stress and disappointment. Others might not need to cry but simply spend some time by themselves and that can be just as helpful.

2. Journal. After you cry everything out, get out your journal and start writing. Write about what is bothering you. Write about your day. Write about your hopes and dreams for the future. Just start writing. Doing so will be a way to get your thoughts out and start to feel better. You could also write a letter to your spouse. This can also be helpful and sometimes the bad day comes because of lack of communication with your spouse. If you have a place to tell your spouse about your day and what is going on, you could get out of your funk and start to feel better. If you have never written in a journal before, now is the time to start. Go buy yourself a cute journal and some pens and create a place to write during the deployment.

3. Make Plans. After you cry it out and journal, make plans for the next day, week or month. Fill up your calendar. Make plans for the very next day even if they are simple. There are a lot of things you can do to stay busy during a deployment. If you don’t know what else to do, put your kids in the stroller and go for a walk, take yourself out to dinner or do something different from what you normally do. Staying busy will help you get through this deployment and that starts with making plans and putting things down on your calendar.

4. Go to bed. After you have done what you can to turn things around, just go to bed. Sometimes the morning is all you need to feel better. You can leave that bad day behind and wake up to a new one. One that is one day closer to homecoming and one that can be a lot better than the previous day.

Some days are going to be easier to turn around than others. If you feel like you are just not doing well with the deployment, don’t feel bad about getting some extra help. Sometimes going to see a counselor can be just what you need to get through. I had to do this during our 4th deployment and going to see her was so helpful. Never be afraid to get any help that you might need. Deployments can be emotionally and mentally challenging for us spouses too.

What do you do to turn around a bad deployment day?

 

What You Need To Let Go Of As A Military Spouse

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What You Need To Let Go Of As A Military Spouse

Do you ever feel like you are trying too hard to become that perfect military spouse? That you feel like you must do all the military spouse things? I have felt that pressure over the years. The pressure to be the best military spouse, to get everything done and to do it all with grace, all of the time. The truth is, this pressure isn’t healthy. There is only so much each of us can do. For our spouses, for our kids, for our homes, and for our communities.

What You Need To Let Go Of As A Military Spouse

I have learned over the years that letting go of certain expectations is a good way to find more peace as a military spouse. Knowing that there are seasons in my life where I can do more and seasons where I need to pull back and do less. Finding that balance is important.

So what as a military spouse should you let go of? What is not quite as important as you once thought it was?

Doing it all- You can’t do it all. Don’t feel bad if you tried and couldn’t make everything work. Balancing your own career with a spouse in the military is hard. Being both mom and dad for periods of time is hard. Keeping the house clean when you are running around different places on a daily basis is hard. Give yourself a break. Make lists of what you do each day and prioritize. Do what is most important and be okay saying no to everything else.

Going to every event- As a military spouse, there will be a lot of events you will be invited to. Don’t feel like you have to attend each and every one. If you want to sit one of them out, that’s okay. Your weekend is only so long. Schedule some time in for yourself and try to only say yes to the events you are most excited about. Fill up your calendar to stay busy but don’t overfill your days. That just adds more stress.

Feeling guilty about not going home- Going home to see family isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Sometimes doing so cost too much, other times schedules do no work out the way you need them too. Don’t feel guilty about this. Some families will try to make you feel guilty, don’t let them. Try to go home when you can and when details work out to do so. Families stationed overseas might not be able to go home the entire time they are over there. See if your family can come visit you. Sometimes that is easier, cheaper and will still allow you to spend time together.

Not cooking every night- Cooking when you have small children and no spouse coming home at night can be difficult. Cereal nights are okay. Pizza nights are okay. And if you do cook, you can always save some for leftovers for another night. The truth is, for every night you feel like you just want to order a pizza you will have other nights where you do want to cook. Using a crockpot can also save you some time when it comes to making a good and easy meal for your family.

Never shedding a tear– Crying happens and that’s okay. Whether you only shed a few tears or need to have a deep cry into your pillow. Crying is a release and sometimes having a good cry is the best way to get stress out and to figure out how you will get over whatever disappointment you are feeling. Some people cry more than others. Some spouses are more emotional than others. Sometimes all you need is to have a good cry so you can get back to doing what you need to get done.

Not asking for help when you need it- I admit I am really bad about asking for help. I never want to burden anyone with my own troubles. But sometimes asking for help is the best thing you can do. Friends are often willing to help you and would love to hear ways to do so. Sometimes people who want to help don’t know what you need. In return, you can help out your friends and neighbors when they need something too. That is what community is for.

If you are feeling too much pressure right now, take some time to step back and see what you can do to make life a little bit easier for you and your family.

Is there anything you can give up? Is there something you can let go of?

35 Things Military Spouses Are Thankful For

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35 Things Military Spouses Are Thankful For35 Things Military Spouses Are Thankful For

Every Thanksgiving you probably get asked what you are thankful for. For some families, this is a tradition where you go around the table and say what that is before you get to eat. A lot of answers are God, family, husband, kids, job, etc. All of those are great answers but let’s go further than that. What are military spouses thankful for? Sometimes it is the little things that matter the most.

  1. DONSAs- When our spouse gets a 4 day weekend. Yay!
  2. Short deployments- All deployments are hard, shorter deployments end sooner.
  3. Trips back home- Time to see our family and friends!
  4. Free events on post- Because free fun is good fun.
  5. Good friends- Ones we can count on.
  6. Good neighbors- They make our own home that much better.
  7. Husbands who only work 12 hour days- Because in the military, days could be even longer than that.
  8. Magical moments- Like that time you were able to take your kids to see a real life castle.
  9. Homecoming day- Because it is the best day ever!
  10. Block Leave- The wonderful time when your spouse is all ours for weeks at a time.
  11. R&R-The most romantic time during your marriage and a break from a long deployment.
  12. Promotions- Because it is nice to see your spouse move up in his career.
  13. Good FRGs- Yes, they are out there.
  14. Nice housing- Because you want to love where you live.
  15. Long phone calls- Because they don’t always happen.
  16. Homecoming date- That hopefully won’t change.
  17. A new journal- The best way to get all of your stress and worry out.
  18. A new book- One you have been waiting for to come out for months.
  19. A canceled deployment- When you think they might be gone and then they don’t have to be.
  20. Re-enlistment bonus- Pay off some debt and buy a new car.
  21. Military discounts- So you can take your kids somewhere you might not have been able to.
  22. PCS orders- You know you have been waiting for those forever.
  23. End of Drill weekend- My Guard/Reserve spouses know how great that is!
  24. When things don’t break during deployments- Because you know they are supposed to.
  25. Our man in uniform- Need I say more?
  26. Seeing old friends again- Isn’t it great when an old friend gets stationed where you now are?
  27. Getting an appointment in a timely manner- You might just have a love/hate relationship with Tricare.
  28. Going to a ball- You thought dances would end with your prom.
  29. Meeting someone famous- Because famous people like military installations.
  30. Knowing people are praying for you. Because you need all the prayers you can get.
  31. Forming a friendship bond that will last forever. Because of what you have been through together.
  32. Friendsgiving- For when your spouse is away or when you just can’t go home for the holidays.
  33. Free childcare- A lifesaver!
  34. Christmas leave- Two weeks off from military life, doesn’t happen all the time but I will take it.
  35. Knowing we are a part of an amazing community– Priceless!

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving???

5 Reasons Why Military Spouses Need to Vote

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5 Reasons Why Military Spouses Need to Vote

This post isn’t going to be about who to vote for, it is going to be about why military spouses need to vote. We need to get out there and make our choice because we are just as important as any other American voter.

Whether we vote in the state we grew up in or the state we now call home. Whether we send that ballot in from overseas, from across the country, or make plans to visit our local polling place on election day. Whether we call ourselves a democrat, a republican, or if we are not sure what side we are on and wish we didn’t have to pick one.

Here are 5 reasons why military spouses need to vote:

1. Voting is our right– There was a time in American history when not every American could vote. That right had to be fought for and people died over it. Just 100 years ago, women could not vote.

I can’t sit back and ignore that, I just can’t. Voting is my voice. Sometimes my vote might not seem to matter, I am not in a swing state and my state is going to go one way, the way they always go, but I still vote.

I believe voting matters, all of it. Whether I am picking the new President, the new Governor or voting on wine in a grocery store. I want a say.

2. We pick the next CinC- As military spouses, who the next Commander-in-Chief is should matter to us. This will be our spouse’s boss, the head of the military and that should matter. While we spouses might not see eye to eye on who should have that role, we should do our research and figure out who we think would be the best as our country’s next commander-in-chief.  

3. Congress- Beyond the next President, we are also voting for members of Congress. These people influence what happens in the military. From pay raises to Veterans benefits.

The fact is, who we elect into the Senate and House matters. Do your research on each of the candidates. Don’t just listen to their ads.

Find out how they have voted in the past. Figure out who stands for what you stand for. Then let your voice be heard on election day.

4. Local votes matter- Your local votes matter. If you vote locally you will be voting on the mayor, the school board, the city council, and issues that affect the community. This is important. Whether you have children or not. Whether you still live in the area or not.

Sometimes who is locally in charge is going to have a bigger impact on your life than who is living in the White House. As military spouses, you might not live where you vote. You might not want to change that.

However, registering for where you live can be a good choice, especially if you are going to be there for a while. You then get a say about the schools and the community where you are currently calling home.

5. To become more aware- As military spouses, being aware of what is going on in the world today is so important. Locally and globally. What is going on in Washington and throughout the whole country is important.

When you vote, you get to be apart of this. You can spend your time researching and going beyond what you hear on the news. You can talk to people who are working for change and you can learn more about our country’s history and where we have been. Voting puts you into history and that is a great way to show you care.

I am not telling you who I voted for, I don’t want you to tell me who you voted for but I do want you to vote! I want you to use your voice and know that although it might seem like you are just one of many, your military spouse voice matters and as a military spouse, you should be voting this election season.

The Weight of Multiple Deployments

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The Weight of Multiple Deployments

In 2013 my husband left for his 4th deployment. I didn’t want him to go. I really didn’t want him to go.

He left for his 1st deployment in 2006 and the longest break he had had from deployments was just short of 2 years. I felt like he was always gone or leaving or getting ready to leave. He deployed 1 year after he returned home from his long 15-month deployment.

That was definitely not enough time at home. I felt like after 15 months they should have been home for at least as long as that, if not double that in order to really have time to heal and get ready to go again. We were not that lucky.

To prepare for a deployment, there has to be a lot of training that happens. So basically, he got home, we had block leave and then they started to prepare for the next deployment. Multiple long deployments can take a lot from families and the soldiers themselves.

Our family really felt this as we said goodbye again for another year apart.

These days, my husband is usually home which feels so strange to me after so many years when he wasn’t. So many years of wondering if he would be there for the next Christmas or birthday. Years of being the only adult in the house and then having to figure out how to let him back into our routines.

As I look back at our deployments, I know they have made me a stronger person than I otherwise would have been. I have made friends that became like family because of them. I sometimes wonder what my life would look like had my husband never joined the Army, never been away from us.

And I can’t imagine it.

I can’t imagine what life would have been like had he been home for everything during those years. Our story didn’t go that way.

Now that we are past the rapid deployment stage, I can’t help but think of the weight of multiple deployments and what they can mean to military families.

Sometimes the marriage doesn’t survive. Sometimes the marriage does but both of you become different people, with so many challenges ahead. You change, they change, the family changes.

During deployments, you will have to change the way you think about everything. You will have to let things go. You will realize that what you assumed your life would be is going to be something completely different.

When you go through multiple deployments you will look back at your “survival” days.

Those survival days when you couldn’t help but wonder how you will make it through. When you can only do the minimum. When you take the deployment day by day, or hour by hour.

When everything is calm, you will wonder what bothered you so much that you couldn’t do all those extra things you liked to do. You will wonder why you were so anxious and possibly why those days were so hard. And then you remember.

You remember the lonely nights, the days on the calendar that would not pass quick enough and the possibility that sat in your heart that your spouse might not even make it home after all.

When you go through multiple deployments you will become stronger.

You have to. Anytime someone goes through something difficult, they get through the ordeal, stronger than they were before. This will help you in the future as you can be a listening ear to someone going through that issue themselves.

You can have compassion for those who are having a harder time and can prepare for any future struggles that might be ahead. You can also help your spouse through the coming years, no matter how many deployments are ahead.

Service members can come back from deployment with so many wounds. Some might be visible and some might not be. Being there for your spouse in any way you can is important.

Knowing when there is a bigger problem than even you can’t handle is also important. Getting help is a must and being patient will be your best friend through it all. Remember, you don’t have to go through all of this alone.

You will feel the weight of multiple deployments and will have to figure out how to move forward from them…

War is rough. Deployments are rough. Even years later you might still feel the weight of them all. Get the help that you need and remember military spouse, you are strong and you can get through this, even if it is one day at a time.

Have you been through multiple deployments? How have you dealt with the weight of those years?

The Very Best Places You Could Get Stationed As a Military Family

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The Very Best Places You Could Get Stationed As a Military Family

The Very Best Places You Could Get Stationed As a Military Family

If you ask people what their favorite duty station has been you are going to get a lot of different responses. There are certain duty stations that people love and certain duty stations that people hate. Although it is true that you can bloom where you are stationed no matter where you are, some areas will be easier to have a good experience at than others.

So where are these locations? Should your spouse try to get stationed there too? Are there any cons of these coveted duty stations?

Where are the very best places you can get stationed as a military family?

Germany

What could be better than being stationed in Europe? Germany is one of the best! From the festivals to the mountains to the little villages, there is so much to love. If you want a duty station where you will grow you as a person and that will let you experience cultures and history you would never have otherwise, Germany can be your ideal duty station. We spent 4 years there and made so many memories during that time.

The hardest part of Germany is being away from your family and living so far from home. Visiting home on a regular basis is really not going to be an option for you and traveling everywhere when you have young children can be a challenge. That being said, if you get the opportunity to go to Germany, go. Being stationed there is an experience like no other and the military community is strong when you are stationed overseas.

Hawaii

Hawaii had to make this list. What could be better than living on an island? One that you would normally have to spend a lot of money for to come visit? One where you could go to the beach every day (maybe,) give your kids surfing lessons and take day trips to some of the most beautiful places in the US.  Hawaii can be a wonderful experience for your family. I have only been there as a tourist but I know there is a lot to do and a lot of great things to see.

I have heard that island fever is real and can hit quite hard. The schools are not rated very high and everything is very expensive. The good thing is that you do get COLA when you are stationed there and there is a great military community to be a part of.  I think Hawaii is probably what you make of it.

San Diego

Warm weather, lots to do, Disneyland an hour away? Oh, how I wish we could have been stationed in San Diego. Almost everyone I know who has been stationed there has loved it. You are right by the beach but still on the mainland. You can visit home a little easier than if you were in Hawaii and there really is a ton to do just a short car ride away.

San Diego is in California which can be a different experience for those who are not from the West Coast. Southern California has its own culture for sure but you never have to worry about the city shutting down for snow and they have In-and-Out.

Colorado

If you are a fan of the outdoors you are going to love Colorado. From hiking to skiing to exploring, Colorado has everything you might want in a duty station if you love being outdoors. And the mountains! I love seeing all the photos I see posted from friends who are stationed there. Their views are breathtaking. A lot of people want to be stationed in Colorado so if orders come up, take advantage of them and enjoy your time there. You might not be the biggest fan if you don’t like cold weather but I have heard that the snow there is beautiful, even if it starts in September.

 

Honorable Mentions

I also know these places can be great as well!

Okinawa, Japan
Virginia/DC area
South Korea
Ft. Lewis
Ft. Campbell
Monterey
Ft. Bragg
Ft. Hood

No matter where you might end up, you should be able to find a few positives and enjoy your time there. In some cases, that can be really hard and it might not even have to do with where you are. You could be very close to your family and even the beaches of Hawaii can’t take away your homesickness. You could have had the best experience at a post in Texas and after moving to Germany just can’t find your footing, at least not for a while. Your Grandma could be sick and you were really hoping for a post in Missouri, an hour from home but the Navy sent you to San Diego instead.

At the end of the day, finding that perfect duty station might not be possible but that doesn’t mean you can’t make the best of where you are. Get out and explore, get to know the local culture and remember, orders will come, you will move somewhere else and you will miss the time you spent during the years you were there. Wherever that might be.

If you are curious about a particular duty station, check out my list of posts I have covered on my blog!

Where would you love to be stationed next? What would you add to this list?

17 Reasons Military Spouses Are Rocking Military Life

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17 Reasons Military Spouses Are Rocking Military Life

17 Reasons Military Spouses Are Rocking Military Life

There are so many challenges that military spouses have to go through during their spouse’s career. From deployments to trainings to moving every 3-4 years. It can be way too easy to think you are not handling military life well. The truth is, most of us spouses are actually rocking military life. We are dealing with a lot and we do the best that we can to get through each day. Whether you are brand new to this life or have been a military spouse for many years, what you do, how you stand by and support your spouse, it matters.

Here are 17 reasons why Military spouses are rocking military life:

1. We are there for each other- We are there to listen to other spouses that are having a bad day, we are there for those that need a little extra help with the kids or just to be that friendly face that lives down the street. We support one another because we get this life and what being a military spouse is all about.

2. We volunteer- Whether it is for the school, the FRG, the chapel or anything else in our community, military spouses step up and make things happen. We serve in our local communities, on post and off.

3. We listen- We can be the listening ear someone needs. Sometimes we have been through what they have been through, other times we haven’t but we can still be someone they can confide in.

4. We explore- We plan adventures. We get out and see what is in our new city. We fly across the country to see our families, without our spouse. We plan trips to see things we would never have otherwise seen had it not been for the military. We have seen the US and the world and we enjoy making all those memories.

5. We say goodbye, over and over- We do this because we have to, not because we want to. Deployments happen, trainings happen and we say goodbye to the love of our lives. This never gets any easier and yet everytime we do it we feel a little bit stronger.

6. We pray for those deployed- We pray for our spouses, their Company, their Unit, their Brigade and all the men and women who serve. We pray for their spouses and mothers and fathers and siblings. So many people need to be supported when someone they love goes off to war.

7. We write- We blog, we write books, we write love letters, we write in journals. We get our words out, whether we share them with other people or just keep them to ourselves.

8. We work hard- We do what we have to do to keep things going. We work hard at what we do. Whether we work outside the home, inside the home or a combination of both. We make to-do lists and look for ways to get things done.

9. We are mom and dad- When our spouse is gone, we try to fill the role of both mom and dad. We know we can’t replace the other parent but we do what we can to help our children and keep things running smoothly.

10. We plan great homecomings- We make signs, pick out cute outfits and plan for that big day. The day we will always remember and the day that will always make us smile, no matter how many years have gone by.

11. We are proud- We are proud of our spouses and everything they have done. We are proud when they deploy, we are proud when they get promoted, we are proud that they signed up to serve their country.

12. We know how to make the best of a bad situation- When life gives us lemons, we might cry, we might vent but at the end of the day, we make the best of a bad situation. We get through these difficult days because we find ways to get through them. We know they are a part of the military lifestyle and we do what we can to handle each and every one.

13. We have patience- We might not feel like we have a lot of patience but we do. From dealing with Tricare, paperwork to go overseas or just waiting for that homecoming day.

14. We love our spouses from afar- We love them from across the ocean, we love them when they live in our phone and computer and we love them as they return to us and have to figure out how to handle the difficulties that come after going to war.

15. We can laugh- We can make jokes about how long the lines are at the Commissary on payday or how something so simple can take so long to get done. We have to laugh at these situations sometimes, the only way to get through them.

16. We know how to connect- We move a lot so we know better than anyone how to make new friends, how to connect and how to find people that understand us. It might take longer than we like sometimes but we are committed and work hard to find people that can be a part of our tribe.

17. We understand sacrifice- We understand giving up a lot for the sake of our country. We look at the military spouses that came before us and know we are not alone. We understand what true sacrifice is and what it means to serve your country.

Military Spouse Life

If you are not feeling strong as a military spouse, take a step back and see that you are in fact stronger than you think. That you are capable and that you are rocking this military spouse life.