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How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

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How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

This weekend I saw an article about a young military spouse titled, “I Gave Up College to Get Married — Now I’m 19 and Divorced” This article was a story about a girl who married her boyfriend instead of going ahead to college, even though that seemed to be her plan. Her husband was stationed in California, middle of nowhere California and the challenges of that mixed with not being able to find work led to a divorce, just a few months later.

I really feel for this woman. I feel for her because it seems she made a mistake. She probably should not have gotten married. 18 is so young. So very young. College is a great idea for most people. If you have to choose between the two, what should you do?

Military life is also very difficult. Even more so when you are first starting out your lives together, when your spouse is not making a lot of money and you just are not sure what you are supposed to be doing while he is off doing his job. Add in a middle of nowhere base and you can find yourself feel pretty lonely. That mixed with feeling like you should have gone to college instead does not make for a happy home.

I know some of my readers are military girlfriends. They haven’t yet married their service member and they could be thinking about if they should. I was never a military girlfriend but before I married my husband I was involved in several long distance relationships. They were hard enough without the military so I can only imagine how difficult it is when you add the military in the mix.

How do you know you are ready for a military marriage?

  • Because you are ready for marriage and all that comes with it. You need to be ready for marriage. Marriage is a big step and changes things. You will no longer be on your own. You will have someone else that you will be a part of. You will need to share your things and your space and everything you have. You have someone else you will be making decisions with and someone else that will be affected but the decisions that you make. 
  • Because you are ready for military life and how difficult this life is going to be. Military life is probably going to be harder than anyone can prepare for. That being said, knowing what to expect can help. Knowing how military life can be difficult is also a good idea.
  • Because you have done everything you wanted to do before you got married. I knew I wanted to finish college before I got married. That was important to me. What is important to you? Do you want to be on your own for a while? Do you want to be at least 25 years old? I know sometimes meeting that special someone can change things but if waiting for something is important to you, try to do that.
  • Because you know that while this life is unique with its own challenges, all marriages take work. No matter who you are, your marriage is going to go through hard times. As a new military spouse, you might be presented with some of these hard times earlier than other spouses do. Knowing this going in will help you get through the more difficult days that are to come.

I know a lot of people who married very young and are still happily married. Some are military couples and some are not. I also know people that married young and did not make it. Some divorced early on, others, years later.

When it comes to marriage and if you should get married young to your military boyfriend, check your heart and your gut. Ask yourself if the military life is one you want to have. Although none of us can truly plan for this life and most of the time the military life is harder than we ever thought, going into a marriage not being open to the life isn’t a good idea.

Divorce happens. To a lot of people. For a lot of different reasons. Hardships in marriage happen and the military might just be yours. If you do decide to marry young and are put in a similar situation that the young wife I talked about above was, know that you can make it through that. There is a lot of military support out there, you can go to college online, you can figure out a way to support your military husband and make it through those difficult years.

Military life might not be for everyone, but if you want your marriage to work, if you are willing to commit yourself to your new marriage, you will be going into this new life with your eyes open. You have a good chance of making your military marriage work and creating a wonderful life with your service member.

 

What To Think About Before You Marry Someone In The Military

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What To Think About Before You Marry Someone In The Military

 

What To Think About Before You Marry Someone In The Military

Whatever situation you are in or whatever situation you have been in, you did have to make the decision to become a military spouse. You had to decide that YES, you wanted to spend your life with someone who is in the military. That YES, you wanted to become his wife or her husband which meant becoming a military spouse and everything that would include.

So, what does being married to someone in the military mean? What would life be like to marry your boyfriend who is now a soldier? What does it mean when your husband of five years wants to join the Marines? What would it mean to marry the person you are in love with knowing that marrying them meant moving across the country and living as a military spouse?

Here are some things you need to think about when trying to make this decision:

Saying Goodbye Will Be A Part Of Your Life

No matter who you are or what type of military spouse you are, you will have to say goodbye and often. You will have to sleep alone. You will have to wait for orders and your future. This is all a part of military life. How long they are gone and how often they will go can vary but the truth is, you will have to say goodbye to your spouse on a regular basis. If you can’t even imagine that being a part of your life, you are going to have a difficult time as a military spouse.

You Will Have To Be Away From Home

If your spouse is going to be going Active duty, you most likely will have to move away from home. In some cases, you can try to stay if your home is near a military installation or if your spouse does some type of duty that allows him to live close by to where you are from. However, in most cases, you will not be able to stay there for their entire career and you will have to move away. You could end up across the country, across the world or just the next state over. You never really know and sometimes you don’t get a say, especially as they move up in rank.

The Kid Thing

Ahh, kids. When you are thinking about the future and having kids, do you think about how your spouse might not be there? It’s a sad reality that they might miss your pregnancy, the birth and the 1st year. They could miss the terrible 2s or kindergarten. They could miss out on so much and sometimes there is nothing you can do about that but accept that. Can you handle that? Some people don’t think they can. I thought I could and it was harder than I could have ever imagined. For some military couples, they don’t plan to have kids while in the military. Their plan is to have them later on in life and that is an option as well. However, a lot of people don’t want to wait on kids and many military families have them during those years when the service member might not always be home. You need to be prepared for that.

The “D” Word

Your spouse might deploy for just a few months at a time. They might deploy for a year. They might have to deploy too often or get frustrated that they are not able to go and do their job. Deployments are rough. From the pre-deployment stage to after they come home and everyone tries to get back to normal life. If there are no deployments there will be trainings or other reasons they have to go away for weeks or months at a time. There is no way around that.

The Community

I have talked about the hard parts of military life. The parts that make it difficult to want to commit to this life. The reasons some people get out of the military before they thought they would. But what about the good things about military life? The community of military spouses that you will become a part of. The thing is, as hard as life gets, you won’t be alone in going through them. Many other spouses would have gone through what you are going to have to go through. Many spouses get that and can offer a listening ear. You will make some of your closest friends as military spouses. Friends that will help you through solo parenting, deployments, pcsing and even retirement.

Is It Worth It?

Is military life worth it? Is your love worth it? Only you can answer that. Only you know what you can handle and what you can’t. I will tell you that if in your heart of hearts that you know you should be with this person, you should be with them whether that includes military life or not. That is a special kind of love and you don’t want to walk away from it because you are scared of the future or what military life is really going to be like.

Are you a new military spouse? Are you dating a service member?

What are you most worried about when it comes to committing to military life?

Top 10 Posts Of 2015

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Top 10 Posts Of 2015

It’s that time. We are down to just 2 more days of 2015. Has it been a good year for you? I have to say, I had a pretty difficult 2015. I am excited about 2016. I am excited for new opportunities, more growth and more family time.

When it comes to the blog, I wanted to share my top 10 posts of the year. Go check them out if you haven’t already.

  1. 5 Great Work at Home Job Ideas– Want to work from home but just not sure what you can do? Here are some ideas.

  2. Why You Should Say Yes To A PCS To Germany- If you ever get the chance to PCS to Germany, you should go. It might be difficult at times but it will be worth it.

  3. Why You Should Use A DSLR If You Love Taking Pictures– If you love taking pictures you should start using a DSLR. It is so worth it and a great way to learn photography.

  4. The 5 Stages of Watching Your Best Friend Move Away– Did you have to say goodbye to a friend this year? It’s hard and there seems to a process we all have to go through when it happens.

  5. What I Miss About Active Duty Life– 2015 was the first full year of living life after active duty. Here is what I miss about it.

  6. Guide to the First 30 Days of a Deployment– Getting ready for a deployment? Use this guide to help you through that first month which can be quite difficult to get through.

  7. Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse Is In The Military– Do you struggle with anxiety while having a spouse in the Military? It just adds some extra frustration to an already hard situation. Know, you are not alone.

  8. It’s Okay Military Spouse, It’s Really Okay, I Have Been There– Military life is hard. But you are not alone. A lot of other people have gone through it in the past too. You are going to be okay.

  9. Paris, War and the Military Spouse– This is the post I wrote after what happened in November. Such a hard thing to deal with.

  10. Supporting Your Spouse’s Military Career– How you can stand by your spouse and help them through their career.

Thank you all for your support and love this past year. I hope you have a great New Year’s and a wonderful start to 2016.

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

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The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

My husband and I had talked about him re-joining the Military for months before he actually did. It was a hard decision to make and I can remember thinking about how if he did join he would be gone for long periods of time. This would mean that I would be the solo parent in the home to our son and any future children we might have.

That was a hard thing to come to terms with. To think that I would have to be alone with my kids for periods of time. That wasn’t what I had in mind when I married my husband. We were going to have kids, several of them. He was a good father. He would be there for everything.

Being a solo parent is just one of the many ways that Military life is hard. It can really get to you and each day can be a struggle. And as much as there are good things about Military life like homecomings, good friends, taking pride in what your spouse is doing, there are some hard truths about it as well.

Your spouse is going to miss holidays

This one can be hard for some people, especially if you can’t make it home to be with other family members. Deployments and trainings doesn’t usually take off for the holidays, especially the smaller ones. You can’t ever assume that they will be home for Christmas, if they are, you are one of the lucky ones. You will have to make the best of it, celebrate later or figure out creative ways to still celebrate the holidays when they are gone.

You might have to give birth without them

Raise your hand if you had to give birth without your husband. So many of us Military spouses have had to do this. For me it was because they send him home on R&R but he didn’t get home in time. He met his son at our front door when he was three days old. Thank goodness my mom was there. I have had friends that do decide to go home if they know their husband will be gone for the birth. Others are able to Skype with them during the birth. Thank goodness for technology. Although a lot of commands do try to make it so that your spouse will be with you for the birth, it isn’t always possible.

Your friends will always be moving away

Military life includes a lot of moves. That means that people will be coming and going all the time. As a Military spouse you will have to say goodbye to a lot of people, your kids will too. Some of these people will be your best friends and saying goodbye will hurt in the worst way. Other friends might not be as close but you will miss seeing them on a regular basis and will feel their absence. And if your friends aren’t moving any time soon, you might be the one to have to do it. It is hard to always have to say goodbye and then try to make new friends again but we Military spouses do it. We do it all the time.

The Hard Truth About Being A Military Spouse

You will become independent and that will change the dynamic of your marriage

Because of the way Military life works, you will become more independent as a Military spouse. Things will break when they are gone and you will have to figure that out by yourself. You will have to run the household, pay all the bills, make a lot of decisions alone that a lot of couples make together. All of that will make you very independent. This can be a challenge when they are home. You will still want to do it all and sometimes you have to let them do things again. This is something you and your spouse will have to work through in order to get to a good place.

It’s important to understand these hard truths if you are a Military spouse. You want to be prepared for them and it is also nice to know that a lot of other Military spouses experience these challenges too. It can help you not feel so alone if your spouse is in the Military and you are living the Military life.

Leave me a comment and tell me what has been hard for you during your time as a Military spouse? How do you get through those challenges?

Want a free Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

Military Family Appreciation Month And The MetLife Tricare Dental Program

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This post was sponsored by the MetLife TRICARE Dental Program as part of an Ambassador Program for Influence Central!

Military Family Appreciation Month And The MetLife Tricare Dental Program

November is Military Family Appreciation Month!

It’s a great time to think about life as a Military family and everything we have gone through. Ten years ago my husband joined the Military. In 2014 we became a National Guard family. It’s been an interesting road for us. We have experienced so much over the years. First as an active duty family and now as a National Guard one. There are big differences between the two but through both of them we have been apart of the Military world.

We have been through four deployments and each one has been very different for us. From the amount of time he was gone to what he did while he was there to how old my kids were and how they reacted to it. A baby is going to be different then a five-year old with how they deal with the deployment. No matter how old the child is, it is hard to have to comfort them when they miss their Dad. They don’t quite understand why he would have to be gone for so long and I had to remind them that he would be home soon. As an adult I can understand his mission but it is hard to explain that to a child. I often times would tell them that he was off “protecting the United States” and as they got older that was easier for them to understand.

Growing up my Dad was home all the time. I often think about how different it has been for my own boys and that makes me a little sad. I have to remind myself that being married to someone in the Military can be difficult and I am not always going to be happy about it. The best thing for me to do is be there for my boys when they miss my husband and help them understand why he is in the profession he is in.

I also want to make sure that my kids have what they need, including dental care. We signed up for the TRICARE Dental Program (TDP) back when my husband first signed up for the Army. Then in 2014 we signed up as a National Guard family.

There are a lot of great benefits to those who sign up for Metlife’s Tricare Dental Program. You and your children will receive two cleanings and two exams per year and zero cost when you see a network dentist. A long with this you will have two topical fluoride applications that are covered in a consecutive 12-month period and you will also have a $1,300 Dental Program Annual Maximum per enrollee per plan year. You can read more about the benefits by going to the Metlife TDP website.

If you are a Military family, go to the Beneficiary Enrollment website and enroll your family in the program. Those in the National Guard or Reserves can be enrolled themselves too. Your dedicated Military service entitles you to this benefit.

Don’t forget to find Metlife TDP on Facebook and Twitter as well…:)

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MetLifeTDP
Twitter: https://twitter.com/metlifetdp

Enjoy the rest of Military Family Appreciation month!

Why Military Spouses Can’t Just Put Down Their Smart Phone

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Military spouses and smart phones

Why Military Spouses Can’t Just Put Down Their Smart Phone

If you are on social media at all you know that there are quite a few articles going around about being on our cell phones too much. How we need to put them down, hide them, ignore them. While there is some good advice there, my first thought is usually something like, “Well, try being a Military spouse.”

Between having kids in school, having a husband who is gone a lot and making money online using my phone to do so, I will not be putting my phone down anytime soon. My phone is my lifeline and I really haven’t always had it. I didn’t even get a smart phone until 2011.

There are many reasons why people say we shouldn’t always have a phone in our hands, but Military spouses, NEED to have a phone in their hands.

Why? Because…

Our spouses live in our phone.

When your husband is gone and you only get to talk to them on the phone or over video chat, they live in your phone. That is your relationship. You are not going to be able to walk away from your phone for long. If you do, what happens if they call? You will miss the call. That is a hard thing to deal with. When we were in Germany, I only heard from my husband on the landline. That meant that I could not get his calls when I was out. It would kill me to come home to a message knowing I missed his call. For later deployments I didn’t have to worry about that. It was SO nice to know I wouldn’t miss his call just because we were out doing something. So no, I am not going to put my phone down so I miss his call.

Our friends live in our phone.

Military spouse friends move away. Then they live in our phones, they live on Facebook and that is where our relationship is. I have a handful of friends I will text or message throughout the day. It keeps us connected and makes it seem like they are not quite as far away. When you are having a bad deployment day, it can be helpful to pick up your phone and text a friend or check out their photos on Facebook. It makes you feel better and can keep your mind off of missing your husband.

Our family lives in our phone.

Only a small amount of Military families live close to their own family. Most of us live far enough away that the phone is the way we communicate with them. I will text or message my own family several times during the week. It is a great way to keep in touch and not lose contact with one another. Sometimes my family will Facetime me and it is fun to do that with them.

I hate phone shaming in general.

Yes it is possible to be on your phone too much, to ignore people while you are on it and to get sucked into the online world, but overall, a smart phone adds to your life.

So, Military spouse, don’t feel badly if you always have your phone on you. You need it. You rely on it. It is a tool you are using to make your life a little easier. No one should shame you for it. If they are, they just don’t get it so don’t let them bother you.

 

 

 

 

What To Look For In A Military Spouse Best Friend

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What To Look For In A Military Spouse Best Friend

I have been a Military spouse for just about ten years now. During those ten years, I have made many friends. And a couple of best friends. These ladies are very special to me, even now when we don’t live near each other anymore. In the Military world friends always move away, even your best friends and there is nothing you can do about that.

I have been through deployments with a Military spouse best friend and I have been through deployments without one and it changes things. Having your own BFF to get through the deployment with will make it easier. You can depend on each other, vent with each other and tell each other that it is going to be okay. The hard part is finding someone to do this with. It doesn’t always happen and when you are moving a lot as you do as a Military spouse, you are always having to look for new friends.

What To Look For In A Military Spouse Best Friend

 

I know for me, finding friends is the easy part. Finding best friends is not. It takes a lot of work and yet you can’t force it. Best friends just happen sometimes and even if you really like someone else, they might not be the person to fit that role.

So what qualities make up a Military best friend? How do you know they are the one to fit that part of your life?

As a Military spouse and mom of three boys, this is what I think you should look for in finding a Military spouse best friend.

  • That you click. As I look back over my closest friendships, they all have one thing in common. We clicked. Almost right away in most cases. As soon as we started hanging out, it just worked and we knew it. I know sometimes you can be friends with someone for a long time and then get closer to them but I bet if you looked back at when you first met you can see that you did click right away, even if it took a while to get there.
  • That you can vent to them. If you have ever been through a deployment you know that some days you just have to vent. If you can’t do that with someone, it is going to be hard for them to be your buddy during the deployment. You need someone who you can vent to and that isn’t going to come back with a “suck it up and don’t talk to me about that anymore” type of attitude.
  • That you can depend on them. I have a very hard time asking for help, even when I need it. However, sometimes things happen and I have to call someone to help me. It is always nice to have that person you can call to help you out and not have it become an awkward situation. Whether it is because your child needs to go to the ER, your car breaks down or you need emergency babysitting help. It is nice to have someone to call and to be available for them if they need you in that way too.

Making friends is something all Military spouses have to do. Making best friends is the most important thing, especially when your spouse is away and your own family lives across the country or even the ocean.

What do you look for in a Military spouse best friend???