Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

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My Experience as a Hispanic Military Spouse

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My Experience as a Hispanic Military Spouse

How I Learned English and Thrived

La Isla del Encanto. Have you heard of that place? It is a small island in the Caribbean. Puerto Rico is a paradise with captivating beauty and culture. The home where I spent the first 19 years of my life. During my teenage years, I often told my parents that I was never leaving my home, my community, or my country. Learning English at school was a struggle, and I was not interested in making an effort. I thought it was pointless. Ironically, after high school graduation, my boyfriend joined the U.S. Air Force; and you can probably guess what happened after that. I left my family, my home, and my country. 

Not even in my wildest dreams would I have thought of living on the other side of the world. But, you guess again, my new home was not in the United States but in Japan. Have you watched Men in Black II? In the final scene, Agent K calls Agent J a rookie and kicks a door open. Agent J is shocked to find out that the world as he knows it is just a part of something bigger. That is how I felt when I arrived in Okinawa, my husband’s first duty station. 

Soon enough, I regretted my past lack of effort in learning English. Speaking with others was not only challenging but nerve-wracking. It is accurate to say it was impossible. Keeping up with the speed at which people spoke was difficult. It did not help that I would try to translate everything from English to Spanish in my mind. I could not understand a word or form a sentence, for that matter. I was frustrated and lacked confidence. So what did I do? 

I enrolled in an online university to continue my education. My first class was English. This time, I was determined to learn; and I did, but it was challenging every day. I know completing my school work took longer just because of the language barrier. Countless tears, sleepless nights, and six years later, I earned my B.A. in Psychology from Penn State University. During those six years, I moved three times and had two children. It has been ten years since I became a military spouse, and I have learned many lessons. 

From mistakes I made to things I would do differently, this is my advice: 

● Prioritize wellness. Seek professional support sooner than later. 

● Choose approach over avoidance. 

● Do not isolate yourself. 

● Take your time but do it. 

● Everything takes practice. Take the first step. 

● Find resources! There are many now. 

● Ask for help; there are kind and caring people out there. 

● Get social and take advantage of social media platforms. 

● Stay connected to family and friends. It is still possible when you are far.

● Keep a balance.

● Do not compare yourself to others; follow your path.

● Believe in yourself. 

I wish you the best in this challenging and incredible journey!

Here are more resources that I have found useful:

Written by guest writer, Lourdes Gonzalez!

Why All Military Spouses Should Join the Military Spouse Advocacy Network (MSAN)

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Why All Military Spouses Should Join the Military Spouse Advocacy Network

I’ve been a military spouse for a little over a year now. Prior to becoming a milspouse, my husband and I dated long distance for years. This was great “training” for what life would be like together- but apart. I always joined the local FRG to access information, discover local meet-ups, and meet new people. I WISH I had known about the support offered by MSAN.

Flash forward to this year I decided upon a career change for many reasons, one of which was the uncertainties in life that come with being a milspouse. I discovered MSAN through LinkedIn and am taken back by the network of support that is offered. MSAN has connected me with so many other spouses who have pointed me in the right direction on the path to a new career. It is incredible how many phone calls, messages, and job postings have been shared with me through other members of MSAN.

I became a mentor with MSAN this past June. I am grateful to have the opportunity to give back to other spouses, the way many spouses have done for me. As a mentor, I help others navigate the ins and outs of TRICARE, DEERS, and other military-related services. MSAN mentors also offer a listening ear, for we are all in this together. One of my favorite parts of being a mentor at MSAN is my responsibility to post a new recipe every “Tasty Thursday” on our Mentorship HUB. Curious about MSAN? Shoot me a message! I would love to connect you with our resources. 

Nina Dahl is a Plant mom and pizza enthusiast on the search for the best slice in Florida. Loves her new job, her family, and going to the beach. Energized by CrossFit, helping others, and romance novels. You can contact Nina at ndahl@milspouseadvocacynetwork.org or find her on LinkedIn.

4 Things I’d Do Differently if I PCSed Back to Okinawa

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4 Things I’d Do Differently if I PCSed Back to Okinawa

“Everything is weird” was my initial gut reaction after moving home to the United States not quite two months ago. I am sure it was also my reaction three plus years ago when first arriving on Okinawa—the little subtropical island which is home to 13 U.S. military bases.

I essentially have no regrets about my time as an honorary island girl, but if I ever got the chance to PCS back to Okinawa again, there are few things I would do differently, or at least do more of.

When your time on Okinawa or in Japan wraps up, there are sure to be bucket list items you didn’t get to. For example, my husband and I always said we wanted to tour the Naval Underground area from WWII, and, well…nope, we never did do that. But that’s not the kind of “do more” that I mean.

Absolutely make your list of things you want to see and do and try to check them off, but when I say “do more,” I mean knock out the big stuff. If it’s your first time on the island, here are my take-aways as someone who has “been there, done that.”

Before moving to Okinawa, I was sure a car would not be necessary. I had traveled to Tokyo and figured it would be very similar. And, of course, I was wrong! There are public buses on Okinawa, plenty of taxis, and a monorail in the Naha area, but the majority of folks find a car the easiest way to get around. 

So, buy an island car and don’t be afraid to drive it. Yes, the steering wheel is on the opposite side of the car. Yes, you’ll hit the windshield wipers when you meant to use your turn signal (also known as “the Okinawa wave”), and yes, you’ll probably drive down the wrong side of the road at least once, but let’s hope not more than twice! Remember, you’ll also be giving yourself the opportunity to get out of the house more and have a lot of adventures.

Learn Japanese. You’ll pick up the very basics even without trying very hard, but three years is a relatively short time to learn a new language. I’m almost embarrassed by how little I learned. Give it some effort and see how far your learning can take you. Knowing just a little extra vocabulary and a few common phrases will enrich your experiences when you are out and about.

Meet more people. Isn’t this great advice no matter where your duty station is located? However, when you are living overseas, it is really important to avoid isolating yourself. It will be harder to get home to see family and friends, and it might even be difficult to communicate with them while living in a different time zone. Surround yourself with people who can keep your island days nice and bright, just as they should be.

And lastly, worry less. An OCONUS PCS is a huge deal, often more difficult than other PCS moves you may have been through. Do whatever you need to do in order to worry less about what’s going to happen and what it’s going to be like on Okinawa, or in Japan (or wherever else your service member’s career may take you). It’s not worth it to be concerned about all the “What if?” scenarios. You’ll wind up missing out on all the, “Wow, isn’t that amazing!” moments.

Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Guest Post by Angie Andrews

All The Basics You Need to Know about Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland

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Aberdeen Proving Ground is an excellent place to be stationed. Take a sigh of relief if this is where your orders are for. Northeast Maryland is a good, safe, convenient place to live.

Was it my favorite of all the places? 

No. It was not, but this was our COVID station. We arrived in 2019, just before the pandemic, and we are leaving as restrictions are ending. All our time here was colored by the whole pandemic, four kids in the virtual school experience. It was hard. I’m sure many of you can relate.

We have been an Army family for twenty whole years now, though, so I do have plenty to compare it to. So long as you do not live in the area immediately outside the base gates, APG is a stellar duty station.

Aberdeen Proving Ground has everything you need. 

The Basic FAQS:

-This is a small U.S. Army installation.

-The base does have a Commissary, Aafes Exchange, and Shoppette.

-There is also a satellite campus of APG called Edgewood.

-Children living on base are districted for Harford County Public schools. More on that in a minute.

-Tons of people choose to live off post, in Bel Air or Havre de Grace, to take advantage of the more highly rated schools. That’s what we did.

-If you move too far away from post though you might find yourself missing your military community. We missed them!

-A nice happy medium of good schools but still being close to base and other military families might be settling down in the Abingdon, Havre de Grace, or South Bel Air area. 

-There is a TON to see and do around APG. More about that later.

Let’s talk about the schools. 

For us, the school district is always the deciding factor on where we choose to live because we have school-aged children. When we were younger, and it was not a factor, we did enjoy living on post or anywhere that felt nice.

Living on post is convenient, so first, you want to know a little about where APG kids go to school:

-Roye-Williams Elementary school

The schools serving post are not local favorites. For military kids, Roye-Williams is probably similar to many other schools they have been to. That said, I do not want to say bad things about a school we have not even set foot in. I have known at least two fantastic teachers who worked there, so I can assure you it is not all bad. 

Don’t take Great School’s word for it. Ask other military spouses currently stationed there in the Aberdeen Facebook group. 

-Aberdeen Middle School

–Aberdeen High School

We are so fortunate now that we live in a time where we can go online to a Facebook group and ask other current military spouses about their experiences with the community and the schools. In my younger years, we did not have this advantage.

Aberdeen Proving Ground

Housing

Housing on post is nice and not too hard to obtain if you are okay with the school district. 

We turned down a house in the Edgewood location of post because of the long history of toxic testing on the Edgewood campus. Large areas of Edgewood are considered contaminated and are abandoned. There are whole ghost neighborhoods. 

Knowing that, take a drive around to decide what you are comfortable with before you sign for an Edgewood house.

Some of the houses on base do offer a beautiful view of the water. 

We knew we would be in the area for at least three years, so we did buy a house in nearby Bel Air. That was our choice to take advantage of the highly rated schools that Bel Air has. There are always pros and cons to that, but the biggest con here was the whole covid pandemic.

Healthcare

Kirk Army Health Clinic will probably be your assigned clinic for the whole family. 

Kirk is on APG proper, and according to Tricare, it is the only clinic Tricare Prime insurance holders are allowed to sign up with. That is what Tricare told me when I called to ask about switching to a civilian PCM off post.

The doctors and staff at the clinic are competent, kind, and courteous. Sometimes it is hard to be seen, and sometimes it isn’t. We frequently use the local urgent care when we need a strep test or such.

Here is my only problem with Kirk. Kirk Army Clinic has an odd referral policy. 

This is the only military health clinic I have had this exact problem with, but they often write bad referrals.

The clinic has a policy that you cannot pick your referral provider. They want it to be random, so unless you have a doctor that day who helps you out, you almost always have to re-do your referral with Tricare later.

This clinic wrote me referrals to specialists who are retired a couple of times. Another time, they referred my seven-year-old to an ENT doctor who did not see children. Often, they send us way out of town to Baltimore when there are plenty of local doctors who accept Tricare and would have seen us. 

This broken referral process caused me a lot of frustration. 

For each one, I would have to find the Tricare number, call them, wait through the long call prompters, and then get the Tricare operator to switch us to local, still working physicians. 

That is why I switched healthcare plans for myself.

Johns Hopkins has a Prime Tricare plan you can switch to. It is still free, still a Prime plan, so you still have to do the referral dance. However, if you switch, you get a Johns Hopkins Waters Edge PCM, and the referral process happens far more smoothly. 

I finish my appointment, then I go out in the hall to see the referral secretaries. They say, “Who would you like to see? Where would you like to go for your specialist?”

Wow. Isn’t that nice?

Granted, I still do not know, but I can make sure they send me somewhere local to someone who has not retired, rather than finding out two weeks later I am being sent an hour away.

That is my recommendation. I did not switch the kids over, but they do not often go to the doctor, so it has not been a huge problem.

Besides, like most military families, we live our life saying, “Well, it’s only for a few more months.”

Isn’t it sad but funny how much we put up with because we know we won’t have to deal with it for long?

Weather

Northerners think it’s warm here, and southerners think it is freezing. I will say it is cool or cold eight months out of the year. Snow is mild, but it does happen. 

It is extremely humid. If you have a basement, make sure you put a dehumidifier down there, or you will have a serious mold problem.

Fun Things to Do

Like most military families, we are always on the lookout for new places to explore. That is our favorite perk about being such nomads. 

In Northeast Maryland, you are right on the Chesapeake Bay. During Covid, all pools were closed, so we went to a state park and rented a pontoon boat. It was wonderful.

Now that the pandemic is over, APG’s pools are open again. They do have awesome pools for families. We used them even though we lived twenty minutes away because the pool is free for active-duty families.

You are an hour or less from Pennsylvania and Delaware. Plus, Washington, D.C. is only one and a half to two hours’ drive down I-95. 

Amish country around Lancaster, Pennsylvania is a treasure trove of things to do and see. It is only an hour from Harford County. We drove up there regularly and enjoyed seeing the sights.

There is a Megabus in White Marsh that will take you up to New York City, which is only a few hours away. We have thoroughly enjoyed exploring these surrounding areas. 

Make sure you plan some fun day or overnight trips to take advantage of living so close to so many historic and fun places. 

Beautiful countryside near Lancaster 

Overall, an APG assignment is a win.

All of life has returned to normal now. Social events, kids’ sports, and regular school are all back. Like most places, life is starting to feel less pandemic-level-stressful. 

You have everything you need here in the Aberdeen area, and there are so many places to explore nearby. I hope you thoroughly enjoy your time at Aberdeen Proving Ground.

Feel free to ask me any questions you have in the comments here. I would also love to have you visit me where I blog at www.gettingmyacttogether.com. 

How to Support a Reserve Spouse During a Deployment

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How to Support a Reserve Spouse During a Deployment

My name is Corrie Andreacchio, and I am a proud US Army Reserve spouse. My husband, SFC Joseph Andreacchio has served for over 18 years and is a two-time combat veteran with service in support of both Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom.

As a reserve spouse, we often do not have access to on-post resources and ease of access to connect in person with other military spouses, especially those from our spouse’s unit during a time of separation. During my husband’s 2013-2014 deployment to Afghanistan, many of the soldiers were from areas that spanned as many as 600 miles from the reserve center in Reading, PA.

In the first 30 days of that separation, it was hard. I found myself scouring the Facebook posts and FRG (now SFRG) community page to find potential matches for friendship. I was fortunate to cross paths with two incredible women – Erin and Nicole. We forged a friendship that was 100% virtual. We texted, we joined each other for virtual wine nights, and we set GOALS. Goals to hold each other accountable – and when we fell short, we leaned into each other and shared tears, virtual hugs (Nicole is NOT a hugger so this worked out to her benefit), and the permission to make it a “take-out” night for dinner.

Since our husbands deployed together in 2013-2014, we have all faced at least one more deployment off-cycle from one another. This was a new hardship because there is nothing like the camaraderie of going through a deployment alongside other spouses’ at the same time. However, we were able to lean into these ideas and support each other in spite of not having the common experience.

I was lucky. This is not always the case. Many of our reserve spouses are isolated. Isolated from their military community and isolated in their local community where there is not a common understanding of the sacrifice a deployment can take on the military family.

How can we support our reserve spouses during times of separation? Be there. Call. Text. When you do not know what to say, simply ask how they are doing.

Here are some ideas to guide your support of our reserve and national guard spouses when they are not able to join and/or attend more formal spouses’ clubs or SFRG functions due to location.

1)      Flat Stanley meets Green Soldier. Go to a party store (or lean on Amazon) and send green soldiers to your circle. Family, friends, and co-workers can all get involved. Create a Facebook group where you encourage everyone to post photos with their soldiers and the adventures that they are having at home while the service member is deployed. This is a great way to capture the memories for the service member upon their return and an awesome way for non-military connected support persons to participate.

2)      Drinks and Links. You can mail your reserve spouse cut pieces of construction paper and join them on a Facetime or Zoom to create a deployment countdown calendar while enjoying your Coffee, Wine, or Mocktail. Have one in your home in addition to theirs and celebrate the removal of each link. I would suggest a deployment countdown of either weeks or months, but Nicole plans to have a caterpillar of a daily countdown in her home. Godspeed, Nicole!

(OPSEC is critical, Do not share your exact countdown information).

3)      Monthly Celebration. Did your reserve or national guard’s spouse leave on the 20th of the month? Make it a point to connect with your friend on that day. Send a greeting card, FaceTime, and have a dance party. We highly recommend Katy Perry’s ROAR.

4)      Start or rediscover a Hobby. DIY home décor, gardening, knitting, scrapbooking. Pick a hobby that you can both do together. When our husbands were deployed in 2013-2014 Erin, Nicole, and I picked up working out. We all achieved significant goals and ended the deployments working out consistently two times a day, most days. We were stronger together and sweating for that homecoming

5)      Snail mail. There is nothing more fun than receiving happy mail. However, happy mail is really rare these days. My friend, Rebekah, who I met through a military spouse non-profit as volunteers, reminded me of the power of snail mail during my husband’s 2020 unaccompanied CONUS mobilization. She was so good about sending me greeting cards, letters, stickers for my daughter, and some surprise Amazon goodies that completely turned my day around. Somehow, most likely because of her husband’s career service as an EOD with the Air Force these snail mail happy mail packages always arrived on a day I really needed them. These do not have to be elaborate. Hand write a letter, and create a masterpiece with crayons and construction paper. Being thought of is what it is all about during a time of separation.

Erin, Nicole, and I have a lasting bond built on common experiences and the ability to make time for each other during our spouse’s deployment. Soon we will be celebrating TEN YEARS of friendship simply as a result of our husband’s jobs. It is truly an extraordinary thing to know that your spouse’s job can open a door to incredible friendships for reserve spouses if you’re able to find out how to connect with them. 

Military No Stress PCS

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Military No Stress PCS

When my husband was commissioned into the Navy 19 years ago, I really had no idea what it would look like. My family had limited military roots and nowhere near the extent of what we were about to embark on. I also was a young 20-something with just a year and a half of college under my belt- not a lot of worldly experience to speak of.

If I’m being honest, most of our early days in the military are now a bit of a blur. We had our first two children during that time and there was a lot of moving back home during deployments which, when you add those things together, equal brain fog. A lot of brain fog.

Children will do that to you on a regular basis. Couple that with the fact that you didn’t always remember what time zone you were in let alone which one your deployed spouse was in will most likely lead to you remembering that time with just bits and pieces of those memories. 

Look familiar? Just one batch of empty moving boxes and paper from our latest PCS move.  

With the support of our families, I moved back home during months-long deployments, which meant I didn’t have a lot of access to military-related resources at a base. While I may not have needed them at the time, looking back, I think about how different my life could have been. Our past few homes have had a large community military presence.

It was only this past fall that I became aware of an organization called Military No Stress PCS. A friend of mine saw they were looking for a military spouse to be the new program coordinator and she thought of me. After a lengthy conversation with MNSPCS founder Rob, I was the newest member of the Military No Stress PCS team. They were truly putting their money where their mouth was in terms of saying they support the military and actually supporting the military.

This program is presently in its infancy, but had it been something that existed when I was a new military spouse, it could have been a very valuable resource. We have PCS’d 8 times in 19 years and I could call myself an old hat when it comes to moving. If I had the opportunity to use this type of help when it comes to finding the answers I needed, you can bet I would use it.  

What is Military No Stress PCS?

 

Military No Stress PCS wants to help active-duty military families. 

• The idea of this program came from a civilian, in the real estate business in Florida, who met a military couple moving back to the States and were looking to purchase a house. During the real estate process, they became friends, and then, through this friendship, the civilian began to wonder about how he could help other military families. From this genuine desire to help military families, Military No Stress PCS was born.  

• At Military No Stress PCS, the commitment goes beyond the actual move and fosters a network of support and fellowship for our military community. Alongside active-duty members and spouses, we are supported by veterans and civilian volunteers,  representing all branches of our military family. It is all about giving back to the military community. 

• The Military No Stress PCS reach expanded to 87 CONUS locations and 12 OCONUS  locations in 2021. 

• Military No Stress PCS is funded by grants and donations and offers a personal concierge service completely free of charge. 

• Military No Stress PCS concierge service basics: they tell us what they’re looking for; whether that’s information on homes, neighborhoods, schools, commute times,  community involvement, local services, etc., and then we do the research and give them our highest recommendations.  

• Since beginning the concierge service last fall, Military No Stress PCS has had upwards of 75 inquiries on a variety of topics, such as housing, pediatricians, overseas orthodontists, school-aged care, and how to find local jobs.  

• Military No Stress PCS simply wants to support those who serve and their families by offering resources at no cost to them. For housing (rentals or buyers), we have real estate agents who are often military spouses themselves and/or are certified Military Relocation Professionals.  

• Military No Stress PCS also employs military spouses and retired military to ensure the recommendations are authentic and come from experienced professionals.  

• MNSPCS hopes to bring military families as many answers as possible for their PCS  questions (including questions they might have even after they’ve settled) and to reach beyond those resources to allow military families to find the same community aspects when moving from location to location, saving families the time and energy revisiting the search with each move. 

The information is out there in a thousand different locations. It can often be found by knowing the right places to search and the right keywords to type in. Sometimes, though, I am just plain tired of searching and that’s where Military No Stress PCS would come in.

There will be stress (that is a given) and there will be things that simply have to play out before the stress will be gone or even be merely reduced. These are just facts about military life. I have often found military spouses (myself included!) to be stubborn and strong and accepting help is not usually in our nature. After I had my twin boys, however, I realized how much help I needed and that some people genuinely want to help and the mission behind Military No Stress PCS is exactly that.  

This military life has brought my family so many opportunities, including a tour overseas. Let MNSPCS help reduce your PCS stress so you can enjoy your opportunities.

Becoming Financially Ready When Your Spouse Leaves the Military

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Becoming Financially Ready When Your Spouse Leaves the Military

No one stays in the military forever. That can be an exciting, but also scary thought, especially if you have spent your adult life in military service, or married to a military member. Transitioning to an after military life is a big change, logistically, emotionally, and financially. Preparing for those challenges can make it easier – but how do you prepare for so much at the same time?

The first step is to recognize that it is a big change. Many military families are so excited for the next chapter of their life that they sometimes forget that there are a million little steps along the process. Communication and organization are key.

Spouses need to talk to each other. A lot. Figure out a way to gather the details of your transition, whether that is a notebook or a spreadsheet, or a checklist. (I have a retirement checklist, and it can be used for ETSing, too.) Take some time regularly to review your list together, and discuss how things are unfolding.

The next step is to identify the big changes that will happen in your unique transition. For some, the biggest parts are moving their family and kids starting a new school. If you’re not moving, the biggest changes for you might be a new job and/or going back to school. Consider the logistical, emotional, and financial aspects of each item.

Now, start to make a list of the things you need to do. Here are some ideas to get you started:

LogisticalEmotionalFinancial
Finding a new jobWriting a resume
Buying interview clothes
Practicing skills
Traveling for interviews		The process can be discouragingLack of income
Cost of interviewing (clothes, travel)
Delay for first paycheck
Moving houseFinding new home
Preparing to move		Balancing loss and excitementSetting up new home
Down payment/security deposit
Starting a new educational programWhat course to takeYou may feel both excitement and anxietyTuition and fees
Childcare
Lost income
Changing your state of legal residencePaperwork
Vehicle inspections
Rewriting wills		Hopefully none, but some people do feel a loss at leaving their “home” stateRegistering vehicles
New drivers licenses
Kids changing schoolsGet transfer packets
Find immunization records
Gather proof of residence		Help kids with sadness, anxiety, and trepidationNew uniforms
Sports team fees


Your list will be different, and probably a lot longer. But you don’t have to do it alone, and you don’t have to do it all at one time.

Start as early as possible in the transition process. Most of us know that we’ll be leaving military life a few years in advance, even if we don’t have an exact date. Take one step at a time, chipping away at your to-do list.

Bring in help whenever possible. Help might be:

  • Your best friend to help you weed through closets and drawers.
  • A family therapist to work through the emotions that come with life changes. (Your installation probably has a Military and Family Life Counselor, or Tricare has very good mental health coverage.)
  • The on-base personal financial educator to help you create a post-military budget.
  • A babysitter to give you time to do things.
  • One of the many military and civilian programs to help veterans create a resume.
  • A home stager to get your house ready to sell

Lastly, I can not emphasize enough: Make sure the service member attends the Transition Assistance Program classes. Twice if possible. If you’re the spouse, try hard to attend also! 97% of the frustrations I hear during transition are things that are covered in TAP. COVID space restrictions have made it hard for spouses to attend in many locations, but the situation seems to be improving. If you can’t get into a physical class, utilize the online version.

Most of all, give everyone some grace in this truly once-in-a-lifetime situation. While you are working through all of this, your spouse is processing their own set of concerns and challenges. Kids may be feeling the pressure, too. If things are tense, step away and let them cool down before tackling the issue in a productive way. Practice self-care, and encourage your loved ones to take care of themselves, too.

For most people, leaving the military is a big project. Just like any other big project, it will go a lot more smoothly if you plan carefully, work with your teammates (aka your spouse and kids), and bring in help when necessary. Then you can get started on your next big adventure!

Kate Horrell is an Accredited Financial Counselor® and personal financial educator who helps the military community make the most of their pay and benefits. She shares the most up-to-date information in understandable terms, and highlights how rules, programs, and laws will directly impact your personal finances. With over 10 years working with thousands of military families, she understands the concerns of currently serving, retired, and veteran families. You can find her at KateHorrell.com.

Want to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life? Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know! I take pieces on anything milspouse related, from deployment tips to duty station reviews.

Parenting Your Teens Through a Deployment

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Happy to have this guest post by Becca! Want to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life? Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know! I take pieces on anything milspouse related, from deployment tips to duty station reviews.

Parenting Your Teens Through a Deployment

Being a military spouse is a hard job. Being a parent of teens is even harder. When deployments come, and you’re left to parent teenagers on your own, it can feel like going into battle with only a popsicle stick as a weapon. Teenagers aren’t as scary as they sound, as long as you know what to do when the going gets rough. Deployments represent an extraordinary chance to connect with your teens and strengthen your bond.

A Note About Teenagers

We were warned about the teenage years. Everyone told us they would be terrible – that our kids would run amok, be defiant, and skip school. While those things do sometimes happen, I’m here to tell you that, by and large, teenagers are awesome. 

In their teen years, our kids grow into themselves. We get to see glimpses of the adults they will become. It’s a wonderful time for meaningful conversations about life, the world, and your child’s place in it. And let’s not forget that teenagers are self-sufficient: they sleep until noon if you let them, do their own laundry, and once they get a driver’s license, you can have them stop at the grocery store on the way home from school. 

Of course, it’s not all sunshine and roses. Teens face very real, very scary problems: societal pressures, mental health challenges, bullying, drugs, alcohol, sex. I’d take potty training and tantrums any day over having to navigate some of the issues my teens have faced.

Being a Teenager in a Military Family

Military kids aren’t immune from typical teenage problems. In fact, they face even greater challenges because they are military kids: constantly moving from one school to the next, saying goodbye to friends at a pivotal time in their lives, and living without one or both parents for months on end. During a deployment, those typical teenage problems seem even more significant to our kids. 

As the parent left behind, we often take on the brunt of their pain, anger, and sadness. Guiding teenagers through a parent’s deployment can feel like a monumental task, but it is not impossible. With enough careful planning, love, and outside support, you can help your teens cope during a deployment. 

Take Care of Yourself First

We hear it all the time as military spouses: you have to take care of yourself first. “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” they tell us. “You have to put your oxygen mask on before helping others.” All cheesy cliches aside, self-care is vital, especially during emotionally exhausting times of life. Teenagers can be super wonderful most of the time, but they are also challenging at others.

Your energy isn’t infinite. To have enough energy to support your teens when they struggle, you have to recharge first. Start by carving out some time for yourself. 

Keep Them Talking

Teenagers might act like they don’t need us (and they might even believe they don’t). However, in these formative years, parental guidance is crucial. When one parent is deployed, half of our kids’ parenting support system is gone for months at a time. 

Be intentional about creating and maintaining open communication. Getting a teen to open up about thoughts and feelings isn’t always easy, but the tips in this link can help you start a dialogue. Let them know that you are a safe space, that your teen can tell you anything, without judgment – and mean it. 

Secondly, before a deployment, have your spouse create a communication plan with your teen. Maybe it’s an online game that your teen and your spouse can play together across the miles. Perhaps it’s a weekly phone call solely between your spouse and your teens. Encourage your kids to keep a journal of things they want to tell their deployed parent. Then, during that scheduled call, they’ll have lots to talk about.

Encourage External Support

Teens value the opinions of their peers. Often, they’ll listen to their peers long before they listen to adults. The trick is to guide your teens toward healthy, positive friendships that strengthen their mental and emotional health.

Military kids face specific challenges that only other military kids can truly understand. If your child doesn’t have any military-associated friends, encourage them to seek out groups of military peers. Connecting with other military kids can help your teen feel less alone. 

If your child struggles to find others who understand, suggest the following:

  • School groups with like-minded people. Many military communities have after-school programs that connect military kids.
  • Contact the School Liaison Officer on your campus. This person can help direct your child towards support programs for teens with deployed parents. 
  • Online groups, such as Military Kids Connect. Many teens feel more comfortable opening up online than they do in person. Of course, be sure to monitor these online groups and ensure everyone stays safe.

If your child is genuinely struggling with mental or emotional health, contact your medical professional. You might also reach out to on-post mental health services, such as the completely free Military and Family Life Counseling (MFLC) representative on your installation. Some locations have MFLCs that work specifically with children and teens. Many therapists off-post also take Tricare insurance, giving your child access to a great network of mental health professionals at no cost. 

Stay Busy

During a deployment, days can often feel twice as long. Staying busy helps the time pass quickly, and it helps keep you and your teens connected. Sit down together and brainstorm ideas for a “deployment bucket list.” Include places to go, things to do, and unique experiences to do together while your spouse is deployed. Then, choose at least one item from that list to complete each week.

You can also encourage your teens to stay busy with after-school activities, sports, time with friends, and pursuing new hobbies. Fill your days – and theirs – with mental stimulation and physical activity. Staying busy not only helps the deployment go by faster, but it also gives you and your teen an outlet to release your emotional and mental stress.

Lower Your Expectations

We sometimes forget that our teenagers aren’t mini-adults. They’re still kids. And they’re kids dealing with very real emotions about their deployed parent. Cut your kids some slack during deployment and lower your expectations. Mental health is always more important than an “A” on the science test.

Even in the best of circumstances, parenting teens can be tough. Adding a deployment to the equation sometimes makes it feel impossible. Take it one day at a time. Take care of yourself. And love your kids hard. Eventually, that deployment countdown will hit zero, and you’ll be a stronger family because you faced this hardship together.  

Becca Stewart is an Air Force Spouse, mother of two, freelance writer, and sufferer of Wanderlust. Originally from Colorado, she enjoys anything outdoors, especially if there’s snow involved. She is a travel fanatic, always looking for her next great adventure. As a full-time writer, Becca works closely with several nonprofit organizations and is a passionate advocate for human rights and military families. She is Mom to two incredible kids, one teen, and one young adult. Together, they’ve been through four deployments and countless TDYs.  Learn more at writebecca.com.  Website Facebook LinkedIn