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The Weight of Multiple Deployments

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The Weight of Multiple Deployments

In 2013 my husband left for his 4th deployment. I didn’t want him to go. I really didn’t want him to go.

He left for his 1st deployment in 2006 and the longest break he had had from deployments was just short of 2 years. I felt like he was always gone or leaving or getting ready to leave. He deployed 1 year after he returned home from his long 15-month deployment.

That was definitely not enough time at home. I felt like after 15 months they should have been home for at least as long as that, if not double that in order to really have time to heal and get ready to go again. We were not that lucky.

To prepare for a deployment, there has to be a lot of training that happens. So basically, he got home, we had block leave and then they started to prepare for the next deployment. Multiple long deployments can take a lot from families and the soldiers themselves.

Our family really felt this as we said goodbye again for another year apart.

These days, my husband is usually home which feels so strange to me after so many years when he wasn’t. So many years of wondering if he would be there for the next Christmas or birthday. Years of being the only adult in the house and then having to figure out how to let him back into our routines.

As I look back at our deployments, I know they have made me a stronger person than I otherwise would have been. I have made friends that became like family because of them. I sometimes wonder what my life would look like had my husband never joined the Army, never been away from us.

And I can’t imagine it.

I can’t imagine what life would have been like had he been home for everything during those years. Our story didn’t go that way.

Now that we are past the rapid deployment stage, I can’t help but think of the weight of multiple deployments and what they can mean to military families.

Sometimes the marriage doesn’t survive. Sometimes the marriage does but both of you become different people, with so many challenges ahead. You change, they change, the family changes.

During deployments, you will have to change the way you think about everything. You will have to let things go. You will realize that what you assumed your life would be is going to be something completely different.

When you go through multiple deployments you will look back at your “survival” days.

Those survival days when you couldn’t help but wonder how you will make it through. When you can only do the minimum. When you take the deployment day by day, or hour by hour.

When everything is calm, you will wonder what bothered you so much that you couldn’t do all those extra things you liked to do. You will wonder why you were so anxious and possibly why those days were so hard. And then you remember.

You remember the lonely nights, the days on the calendar that would not pass quick enough and the possibility that sat in your heart that your spouse might not even make it home after all.

When you go through multiple deployments you will become stronger.

You have to. Anytime someone goes through something difficult, they get through the ordeal, stronger than they were before. This will help you in the future as you can be a listening ear to someone going through that issue themselves.

You can have compassion for those who are having a harder time and can prepare for any future struggles that might be ahead. You can also help your spouse through the coming years, no matter how many deployments are ahead.

Service members can come back from deployment with so many wounds. Some might be visible and some might not be. Being there for your spouse in any way you can is important.

Knowing when there is a bigger problem than even you can’t handle is also important. Getting help is a must and being patient will be your best friend through it all. Remember, you don’t have to go through all of this alone.

You will feel the weight of multiple deployments and will have to figure out how to move forward from them…

War is rough. Deployments are rough. Even years later you might still feel the weight of them all. Get the help that you need and remember military spouse, you are strong and you can get through this, even if it is one day at a time.

Have you been through multiple deployments? How have you dealt with the weight of those years?

What You Can Do When Your Spouse is Not Home For the Holidays

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What You Can Do When Your Spouse is Not Home For the HolidaysWhat You Can Do When Your Spouse is Not Home For the Holidays

Fall weather, pumpkins everywhere, sweaters, peppermint mochas and Christmas decorations appearing in the stores. Tis the season for the holidays. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, Hannukah and New Years will be here soon and with them come a lot of memory making moments. Time with family, time together and a lot of love.

However, if your spouse is deployed, the holidays take on a different tone, especially if they won’t be home until sometime in the new year. There is so much going on and when they are gone, you know they are going to be missing all of it. You know your kids will be missing their Dad a little bit more during this time of year and when you think about years past you can’t help but tear up thinking about what they will be missing this year.

In 2008 my husband deployed on Thanksgiving day. The worst time to start a deployment. We celebrated early which was smart but he still missed Christmas and everything that goes with that holiday season. He missed decorating, carols, the boys opening their gifts, the holiday meal and making memories with us at home. I took photos and videos but nothing could change the fact that he was in Iraq during that time, missing us and missing home.

What is the best way to handle your spouse being deployed for the holidays? You can’t change the fact that this will happen when you are a military family. The best thing to do is figure out ways to get through that time and to make the best of what you have anyway, no matter where in the world your spouse might be.

Here are some ideas to help you if your spouse is deployed during the holiday season:

  • Perceptive- Sometimes we get so caught up in what our spouse is missing or how long they have been away that we forget that this deployment is only temporary. That the deployment has an end date and that this is just one year out of all the years we will spend together. Taking a step back and thinking about this can help you during this time of year. Thinking about what you do have is also very important. Know that you are loved, even if it has to be across the ocean for right now.
  • Make a Plan- See what you can do to make some plans for the holiday. How will you spend Thanksgiving? What about Christmas day? Look for events in your community and stay busy! That will be a good way to get through the next few months and make memories even if your husband is away. Take the kids to see Santa, see if you can help with a Thanksgiving meal, plan a day trip to the snow or just invite people over for a New Year’s Eve party. 
  • Find Friends- See if there are others with a deployed spouse that you could get together with. If you are close with someone and feel comfortable doing so, make plans to spend the holiday together. I have done this with Thanksgiving and Christmas. Spending your day with others can help you enjoy all the fun memories without feeling as sad and lonely as you normally would.
  • Plan a Trip Home- You can always plan a trip home. There is nothing wrong with doing this. The holidays are a great time to be with family so why not plan a trip if you can? If not, see if family or a good friend will come visit you. In some cases, you just have to tell them that you would otherwise be alone for the holidays and someone will want to come stay with you.
  • Breathe- I know it is hard. I know it sucks. Holidays should be spent together, right? Sadly, this just isn’t a reality for a lot of military families. Remember to take it easy, don’t put pressure on yourself to have the perfect holiday and remember to breathe.

Have you had a deployed spouse during the holidays? How have you been able to get through those weeks? Any great ideas that helped you through?

Here are some more posts from other Milspouse Bloggers about getting through the holidays without your spouse…

Fun Ideas When You’re Spending the Holidays Apart

When “Home For The Holidays” Isn’t an Option

Gift Ideas for Your Deployed Loved One

How to Survive The Holidays When Your Spouse Is Deployed

The Holidays For 1: Tips to Survive the Holiday Season Alone & Far From Home

The Wives Who Wait (A Christmas Poem for Military Wives)

Facing the Holidays During Deployment

I heard the bells: when Christmas isn’t about family

 

How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

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How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

How Do You Know You Are Ready For a Military Marriage?

This weekend I saw an article about a young military spouse titled, “I Gave Up College to Get Married — Now I’m 19 and Divorced” This article was a story about a girl who married her boyfriend instead of going ahead to college, even though that seemed to be her plan. Her husband was stationed in California, middle of nowhere California and the challenges of that mixed with not being able to find work led to a divorce, just a few months later.

I really feel for this woman. I feel for her because it seems she made a mistake. She probably should not have gotten married. 18 is so young. So very young. College is a great idea for most people. If you have to choose between the two, what should you do?

Military life is also very difficult. Even more so when you are first starting out your lives together, when your spouse is not making a lot of money and you just are not sure what you are supposed to be doing while he is off doing his job. Add in a middle of nowhere base and you can find yourself feel pretty lonely. That mixed with feeling like you should have gone to college instead does not make for a happy home.

I know some of my readers are military girlfriends. They haven’t yet married their service member and they could be thinking about if they should. I was never a military girlfriend but before I married my husband I was involved in several long distance relationships. They were hard enough without the military so I can only imagine how difficult it is when you add the military in the mix.

How do you know you are ready for a military marriage?

  • Because you are ready for marriage and all that comes with it. You need to be ready for marriage. Marriage is a big step and changes things. You will no longer be on your own. You will have someone else that you will be a part of. You will need to share your things and your space and everything you have. You have someone else you will be making decisions with and someone else that will be affected but the decisions that you make. 
  • Because you are ready for military life and how difficult this life is going to be. Military life is probably going to be harder than anyone can prepare for. That being said, knowing what to expect can help. Knowing how military life can be difficult is also a good idea.
  • Because you have done everything you wanted to do before you got married. I knew I wanted to finish college before I got married. That was important to me. What is important to you? Do you want to be on your own for a while? Do you want to be at least 25 years old? I know sometimes meeting that special someone can change things but if waiting for something is important to you, try to do that.
  • Because you know that while this life is unique with its own challenges, all marriages take work. No matter who you are, your marriage is going to go through hard times. As a new military spouse, you might be presented with some of these hard times earlier than other spouses do. Knowing this going in will help you get through the more difficult days that are to come.

I know a lot of people who married very young and are still happily married. Some are military couples and some are not. I also know people that married young and did not make it. Some divorced early on, others, years later.

When it comes to marriage and if you should get married young to your military boyfriend, check your heart and your gut. Ask yourself if the military life is one you want to have. Although none of us can truly plan for this life and most of the time the military life is harder than we ever thought, going into a marriage not being open to the life isn’t a good idea.

Divorce happens. To a lot of people. For a lot of different reasons. Hardships in marriage happen and the military might just be yours. If you do decide to marry young and are put in a similar situation that the young wife I talked about above was, know that you can make it through that. There is a lot of military support out there, you can go to college online, you can figure out a way to support your military husband and make it through those difficult years.

Military life might not be for everyone, but if you want your marriage to work, if you are willing to commit yourself to your new marriage, you will be going into this new life with your eyes open. You have a good chance of making your military marriage work and creating a wonderful life with your service member.

 

8 Simple Things That Motivate Military Members To Serve

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8 Simple Things That Motivate Military Members To Serve

I am happy to have a guest post from Heather from HappyFitNavyWife.com.

Traffic on the freeway moved at a fair pace. As we headed north to Pennsylvania from Virginia (hoping to avoid the DC traffic snarl) I remembered a picture I’d seen on Facebook earlier in the day.

The instant I saw it, I had immediately wondered if Adam had seen it and how he felt about it. Now that he was sitting next to me in the driver’s seat, I asked, “Did you see that pic of your dad and brother?”

“Yeah”

“Did it make you sad?”

“Yeah.”

His brother and dad stood proudly on the dock after a day of fishing of his uncle’s fishing boat. The both held up giant tuna fish they’d caught 40 miles off the Oregon coast. Adam is very close to his dad and brother, and I knew he would be bummed to miss out– again– on a special trip like this.

Sometimes the sacrifices of Navy life are hard to take. Maybe missing out on one or two things isn’t that bad, but over the years they add up.

This isn’t the first time Adam or I have missed out on family happenings:
Adam missed his brother’s wedding long ago (and apparently gave a very moving, tear-jerking video speech as best man).
My heart broke being on opposite coasts from my mom as she went through surgery & recovery for breast cancer.
Missing out is part of the deal when living on the other side of the continent.

But that fact doesn’t make it easier to take.

8 Simple Things That Motivate Military Members To Serve

8 Simple Things That Motivate Military Members To Serve

So why does any Sailor, Soldier, Marine, Airmen or Coast Guardsmen make a commitment that rips them from family, sends them places they may or may not want to go, and controls their lives for a set period of time?

Every service member has his or her own motivation, and some may have many. Here are some motivations I’ve heard over the years, each one valid in its own right:

Pride in country- Love of the USA and all it stands for, from the American dream to all the freedoms we enjoy.
Chance to make a difference- Some people find the military as a way to do something meaningful and beyond themselves.
Retirement and providing for family- Though it can come at great cost, the benefits draw some to stay in 20+ years, knowing they can provide their families with healthcare and other privileges.
Job security- The unknown of civilian job security, lack of available jobs, and/or not knowing what they’d like to do for a next career impacts the decision to stay in for some.
See the world- Many love the idea of adventure, travel, and the unique opportunities and friendships the military can provide.
A response to world events- World events such as 9-11 can spur some to join. They want to be a part of resolving the conflict and bringing justice.
Vocational training- Some people join to get trained in their desired field, such as the medical field, law, and other needed skill-sets. They pay for their training with military service rather than cash.
Free education- Some join to cover basic college costs, whether via ROTC (Reserve Officer Training Corps), a service academy such as the Naval Academy or West Point, or through the G.I. Bill. As with the vocational training, they pay for the cost of education with their military service.

When I asked Adam if he was sad to miss the fishing trip, we were on our way to meet up with some long-time Navy friends. Adam met them while stationed on a ship in San Diego, and I met them both after we got married and moved to Rhode Island. We hung out a lot as couples while stationed in Newport, RI and kept up over the years.

We also had the chance to visit them in Hawaii twice was a treat– once it was just me and my then-5-month old during a deployment.

In Pennsylvania, we cherished our time catching up over BBQs, country farmers markets and a trip to the bakery.

Even though as a military family we miss out on many things, we have the joy meeting amazing people and having friends all over the map. Despite the sacrifices, we gain a lot. And I feel great pride watching my husband achieve his goals and gain fulfilment in what motivated him early on in his career.

Though we have those moments that we realize we’re missing out– again– I know if we had it all to do over again, he’d make the same decision to join… and I’d still marry him.

xoxo,
Heather

What did I miss? What motivates you and your service member?

Heather Goffrier is a Navy wife of 6 years and mom to a spunky 3-year-old girl. When not blogging over at HappyFitNavyWife.com, Heather enjoys Bible study with girlfriends, family adventures, and traveling as often as possible. She loves sharing about her experiences as a military wife & mom as well as her love of health. You can find Heather on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram and Twitter.

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

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What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Deployments are a part of life for the military spouse. Although you might go a few years in between, you are usually not surprised when you find out your spouse is going to have to go on one. Usually, you have some time to prepare. Some people know even a year before the deployment, most people find out with a few months to prepare.

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Every once in a while, a deployment gets scheduled at the last minute. As you are working on planning your summer, you could find out that your husband has to deploy in early June. After booking a trip home for Christmas, you find out your spouse is going to be deployed two weeks before. A last minute deployment can knock the wind out of you but know you will be able to handle what is to come.

Here is what you can do when your spouse gets last minute deployment orders:

 

  • Breathe- When you first hear that your spouse is actually going to deploy, you will feel like your heart has stopped. You might be thinking about how he wasn’t supposed to go or how he had just returned home not too long before. You might be thinking about what he was going to miss and feeling like you needed more time to prepare for this news. This is all normal. Deployments are no joke but remember to breathe. Take some time for yourself to adjust to the news. Go for a run, write in your journal or talk with a friend. Getting used to the idea of a deployment takes time and if they received last-minute deployment orders, you won’t have much time to adjust to what is about to happen.
  • Cry- If you need to cry, do so. It really is okay. A lot of people need to cry it out in order to accept what is to come. I know that is how I cope with these types of things. Crying is how I can get my pain out and how I can focus on the next step. If you first reaction to a deployment is to cry into your spouse’s arms, do so. That doesn’t mean you don’t support them. It just means you are having a hard time with the news and you will need to figure out how you can get through it.
  • Plan- Planning for a deployment is important, even if you only have a few days to do so. Look at how long they are supposed to be gone and make a plan for each month. Focus on you and your family. You will want to stay busy during the deployment and doing so requires a little bit of planning. If you can, plan a fun trip halfway through or even a party to celebrate that you have made it that far through the deployment.
  • Think of the positives- Every deployment has positives. You might have to look hard for them but they are there. Were you in need of a new car? Maybe the deployment pay can help with that. Saving for a house? Deployment pay can help you get into one faster. Think about the benefits of a deployment and focus on those. More time to read, more time to work out and fewer clothes to wash each week.
  • Connect- Find other military spouses to connect with. This will help with the deployment and accept that it is actually coming. If you know any of the other spouses that will also be dealing with this deployment too, make a plan for a lunch or dinner before or right after the deployment starts. Getting through a deployment will be easier with friends by your side. You will also need people to help support you while your spouse is gone.

deployment support

No one wants a last minute deployment but they can happen. If this has happened to you, know that you can get through this just like you would if you had more time. In some ways, not having as long to worry about the deployment could be a blessing in the end.

Has your spouse received last minute deployment orders? How did you handle that?

The Perfect Duty Station Wish List

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The Perfect Duty Station Wish List

We got lucky. Maybe because he was going back into the Army at a time when they really needed more people to join, maybe it was just luck, but when my husband re-joined the military in 2005, he was given his choice of where he wanted to be stationed. The choices were Europe, Hawaii, Ft. Campbell and South Korea. I don’t think we could have gone with him on that last one. Before he left for MEPS we talked about our desire to be stationed in Europe. So while he didn’t get a chance to talk to me about his decision, he wanted Europe and he knew I did too.

When I picked him up from MEPS, I thought he would tell me about how he would have to re-do basic. Instead, he told me we were going to Europe and he would be leaving in 2 weeks!

The Perfect Duty Station Wish List

 

Fast forward a few years later and it was time to re-enlist. My husband was given another choice. We debated between Ft. Campbell and Ft. Irwin. Ft. Irwin would have been just 3 hours from home, yet the post was in the middle of nowhere. We had just come from Germany where we had lived about 30 minutes from post. We wanted to be in a place where we could have access to an American city with all the things we had been missing while we were overseas. We wanted our children to be able to go to off-post schools and to be able to have somewhat of a life beyond the military post. He put in for Ft. Campbell and that is where we ended up.

I know a lot of people don’t get a say in where they get to go. A lot of times the needs of the military take over. And the higher in rank, the fewer positions there are. Still, some people do get to choose and that choice is a big one. You have to decide where you want to live for the next 3-5 years. How do you even know where would be best? There are so many different factors to think about.

Here is what you should think about when creating your perfect duty station wish list:

  • Close to the family- How close to family do you want to be? Does your family live in a military town? Maybe you don’t get along and want to be as far away from them as possible. I always think about what life would have been like if we had been stationed just 3 hours from home. Our lives would have been very different.
  • Beach/Mountains- Some people want to be right by the beach. Others love the mountains and what they have to offer. You might think about which duty stations are by your ideal location and see if you can go there.
  • Duty station location- Maybe you have always wanted to live in the Pacific North West. Maybe you have dreamed about living in the south one day. The military is a great opportunity to experience living in different places in the US and even the world.
  • Adventure- In for an adventure? Try to go overseas or in a place you never ever thought you would be able to live. Some military duty stations are more exciting than others. Picking a place out of your comfort zone might be the best idea. A lot of people worry about being overseas. Being overseas is different from what you are used to but going overseas or even Alaska or Hawaii can be a great opportunity for you and your family. Fun Fact: According to the Military, Alaska and Hawaii are overseas locations 🙂
  • Spouse’s career goals- Sometimes you will have to go somewhere based on your spouse’s career. They need to be stationed at certain places or they need to go certain places to attend a certain school. This can be hard when where they need to go isn’t a place you would want to pick. Don’t lose hope, sometimes you can have the best experiences in a location you never thought you would like.
  • Weather- When my husband was 19 years old he joined the Army for the first time. He was sent to Ft. Drum, NY. A California boy, in upstate NY. Talk about a weather change. Weather can be a factor. If you love your four seasons, putting in for California might not be ideal. If you can’t stand the snow, stay away from the northern locations. I am not sure how I would have handled a place like NY or Alaska. I feel like Tennessee is too cold for me 🙂

At the end of the day, you will go where the military wants your spouse to go. Sometimes you get a say, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes they ask and ignore what you have said and other times they will honor that. If you are given a choice, think about what you want and the type of place you want to be. If you don’t get your first few choices, remember, you can still bloom where you are stationed and can make the best of any duty station you might end up at.

Did your spouse get to choose your current duty station? What went into that decision?

Living in Jacksonville, Florida and Naval Station Mayport

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Happy to have this guest post by Erin on Living in Jacksonville, Florida and Naval Station Mayport. Please visit my Duty station guest post page for posts on other locations or more information about how you can write a guest post about where you have been stationed.

Living in Jacksonville, Florida and Naval Station Mayport

Living in Jacksonville, Florida and Naval Station Mayport

Welcome to Jacksonville, the largest city in Florida and home to multiple military bases and facilities. With bases like Mayport Naval Station, Naval Air Station Jacksonville, and Naval Submarine Base Kings Bay right over the Florida Georgia border, Jacksonville is the third largest military presence in the country.

The first thing most people notice when moving to Jacksonville is how big the city is. As both the largest city in population and area, Jacksonville is the 12th most populous city in the United States. From the Beaches to Riverside to Orange Park to Southside, each side of town caters to a different lifestyle depending on your preferences. The cost of living in some parts of town are higher than others and if you’re planning to live off base, it’s best to research each part of town to decide which one best fits your style of living. Some military families choose to live close to base while others sacrifice a longer commute to live in a part of town that appeals to their lifestyle.

Jacksonville, FL

If you’re interested in being surrounded by nature or into outdoor sports, you’ll find plenty of options in Jacksonville. Fishing is a popular pastime in Jacksonville, seeing as though the city is surrounded by so much water. Local parks offer hiking and biking trails, camping, and geocaching. The beaches are popular for both lounging and watersports like surfing, paddleboarding, and kayaking. And both Mayport and NAS Jax offer swimming pools and waterparks for military families.

Naval Station Mayport

Both Mayport and NAS Jax offer Navy exchanges and commissaries with Jax’s NEX being larger of the two, though Jacksonville is in no short supply of grocery stores and shopping malls throughout the city. The largest grocery chains in town are Publix and Winn Dixie. There are four main shopping malls, with the St. Johns Town Center or the Orange Park Mall being the most popular choices.

Naval Station Mayport

In my opinion, the best feature of Jacksonville is the dining options. Jacksonville is home to some really great independently owned restaurants as well as your typical dining chains. I would urge you to branch out and try some of the local places. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how good the food and drink options are. I could create a whole post about my favorite restaurants but here are a few of my recommendations – Poe’s Tavern in Atlantic Beach for burgers and the best tuna tacos; V Pizza in San Marco or Jax Beach for pizza and chicken wings (yes, wings!); and Maple Street Biscuit Company with numerous locations around town for a melt-in-your-mouth chicken biscuit.

Naval Station Mayport

Jacksonville is also adjacent to historic cities like Amelia Island, Fernandina, and St. Augustine which make great day-trip destinations. Amelia Island and Fernandina offer beautiful beaches and State Parks with various amenities like hiking, fishing, and wildlife observation. As the oldest city in America, St. Augustine is full of historical monuments and attractions, museums, shopping, and dining options.

As a Jacksonville native, I’ve come to really love and appreciate my hometown for it’s diverse population, rich history, and unique amenities. And I strongly feel that Jacksonville has something to offer everyone.

Naval Station Mayport Erin is the author of erinwiggle.com, a comprehensive guide to the First Coast and neighboring cities. She’s a Sailor’s wife, outdoor enthusiast, furbaby mama, and foodie. Follow her on Instagram at @erinwiggle or send her an email at lifeaswiggle@gmail.com.