Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

When They First Leave: Tips for Starting a Deployment

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Happy to have this guest post by Holly. Want to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life? Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know! I take pieces on anything milspouse related, from deployment tips to duty station review.

When They First Leave: Tips for Starting a Deployment

I find that the hardest part of my husband being gone is always right at the beginning and then at the end. I always feel “lost” for a few days, adjusting to our new normal without him, and then I feel so stressed at the end getting ready for him to come home and trying to make sure everything is just right. This post tackles my tips for those first few days away…

Make Time for You

I know what you’re thinking, “don’t worry, he’s gone, I have tons of time for myself”, but really, on the first night alone, take some time for yourself and enjoy it. I always pour a bubble bath, grab a good book, and watch a chick flick on Netflix.

I love stretching out in the bed and controlling the remote (which usually never happens). Also, think about using this time to better yourself. Eat healthy, make time for the gym, and read that new self-help book you’ve been too busy to open. Not only will this help you pass the time, but you’ll make some positive changes that you can continue once he returns.

Spend Time with Friends

After you’ve had enough “me time”, search out your besties and find something fun to do. Sometimes that’s going out for a girl’s night, hitting up a concert, or even just grilling on the deck. Spend some time with the girls and build up those relationships.

Struggling to make friends in a new place? Try visiting with moms at school, daycare, or sporting events. Visit with other ladies at the gym or search out new friends at work. This is a great time to hang out with new people and check in on those you haven’t been able to visit with for a while.

Make Special Time with Your Children

One of the small blessings of my husband being gone is how close my son and I are. We spend lots of time together, just the two of us, and we have a great relationship. We try and do fun activities together and make new memories, even when my husband can’t be there to enjoy them with us.

I’ve found myself getting braver as he gets older too. We go camping together, weekend trips, and we’ve even ventured on a few road trips, just the two of us.

Whether this is the first time he has left or the tenth, these three tips seem to help get us through whatever military life throws at us. I figure you can look at their absence as an awful burden or as an opportunity to gain insight into yourself and build relationships; the latter makes for a much happier you and therefore a much happier military family in the trips to come.

Holly Corcoran is a military wife of 10 years, mom to one adorable and resilient seven-year-old, and third-grade teacher living in the flyover states. She juggles home, parenting, and teaching, while also sometimes taking calls from Afghanistan. Connecting with other military spouses and friends is a constant reminder “we’re always under the same sky.”

Oh, Afghanistan…

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Oh, Afghanistan…

I see you. I see you in the news. I am not sure how to feel.

Oh, Afghanistan…

The place my husband has been, where so many men and women have had to go over the years.

Oh, Afghanistan…

A place that has been so much a part of my world for so very long. A place I really don’t know too much about myself.

Oh, Afghanistan…

The deployments, the endless deployments to ensure America’s freedom. The endless deployments, as we military families stay behind and hope and pray. The endless deployments, ones that didn’t bring all of our men and women home.

As I log onto Facebook this morning, I see so many thoughts and opinions about what is going on. People asking for prayers. People asking for understanding. People who are angry.

I feel weird even thinking about how to respond. I feel weird even having an opinion on it all. I wasn’t the one that went there. I wasn’t the one that put on that uniform.

But then I remember. I remember when my husband left for Afghanistan when our baby was two months old. I remember not knowing if he would be back a few months later or in over a year or even if at all.

I remember when he had to go again a few years later. During a time that hit me hard. During a time when I felt at my lowest and needed a husband by my side.

But he wore the uniform. And he went where he was told to go. I couldn’t even get to the point where I could decide if Afghanistan was worth it. He was serving our country. He was doing his part.

I have to leave that to the other people. To those, we vote into office. To the American people who make those votes. To those who have more power over the situation than I will ever have.

As a military spouse, I can’t nitpick a reason why my husband had to go away. I can’t overthink if everything we had to give up to do so was worth the sacrifice. I just can’t and I won’t. My brain won’t let me do that.

As a military spouse, Afghanistan was where my husband had to go. Just like Iraq was where he had to go. They are deployments. They are “downrange” and filled with so much emotion when we say their names.

Oh, Afghanistan…these last 20 years. Have they been in vain? Have they all been for nothing? I sure hope not.

I sure hope that in these last 20 years, good has been done. I sure hope that in these last 20 years, there has truly been a fight for freedom. I sure hope that the time and the money and the sacrifice has been worth it.

I have to believe it. I can’t think that it wasn’t.

As we turn on the news and it seems that everything is falling away, I hope we can remember what was accomplished. I hope we can truly see the good that was done.

There is so much blame. Who is really at fault?

We have questions. So many questions. As I watch some of the children of the men my husband first deployed with put on the uniform too. As I know my own children are just a few years away from being old enough to do the same. I wonder why this has become a multi-generational war?

We have questions. Should we have not pulled out? Should we have stayed longer? Maybe a few more years?

Or maybe we should have left years ago? Maybe there was a better time to do so?

And as we are living in the middle of this pandemic that doesn’t want to end, as we are living with so many other frustrations, is this yet another one we will have to add to our list of things to worry about?

Us military families, what happens in the news can and does hit us hard. Will this hit us hard? Will this mean more deployments? Will this mean longer deployments?

We know in our hearts how much Afghanistan has turned our lives upside down. We know how much pain some of our service members are in because of it. And we worry that what is going on now will cause feelings of defeat or that the military sacrifices don’t matter.

We post 9/11 military families have been through so very much. We have said goodbye way too many times. And at this point, we are wondering what will be next?

Oh, Afghanistan…these are just the words of one military spouse. One who loves and cares. And is trying to make sense out of it all.

Embrace the Suck: Advice to a MilSpouse Going Through Your First Deployment.

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Happy to have this guest post by Megan on her best advice for a military spouse. Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know if you would like to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life too.

Embrace the Suck: Advice to a MilSpouse Going Through Your First Deployment.

I just spend 3 hours on the phone with a spouse friend discussing spouses going through their first deployment. She’s a seasoned spouse who has been through her own trials and tribulations with deployments. I am a spouse going through my first deployment.

The more we talked the more I realized how different all her experiences are from my first. I guess the bottom line is it doesn’t matter if it’s your first or you’re tenth deployment. It doesn’t matter if it’s a 6-month deployment or a year deployment. It all sucks. So, the question is how to embrace the suck of a deployment.

I use the saying embrace the suck a lot when talking about my deployment experience. It’s become my deployment motto. It sounds harsh but it’s true.

When you are dealing with a deployment you must embrace the suck. We don’t like it. We don’t want to do it. It’s hard.

But there is nothing we can do about it. The truth is….it sucks, and we must rise to the occasion and survive it. So…. embrace the suck.

There is a lot of negative feelings surrounding the word deployment. When I married the military, I never heard one good thing that involved a deployment. It’s either terrible or sad.

The only good thing I can remember seeing or hearing is the welcome home videos online. Those are like Hallmark movies and always hit you in the feel-goods. Doesn’t matter how tough you are, watch one of those videos and you will cry! Outside of the welcome home, there isn’t a lot of good being said about a deployment.

So…. I’m going to share my suck and the positives of my first deployment. Here’s my advice for spouses going through their first deployment. Are you ready?!?!?

Pre-deployment is terrible. 

There will be fighting. You will not see eye to eye on anything. You as a spouse will want to cherish everything you do together or as a family. You will want to cling to him, hug him, kiss him and you will cry a lot. 

He will not. He is preparing to leave you. Most service members take this time to emotionally separate from their spouses. 

Do not take this personally. They are packing bags and getting ready to do one of the hardest things they have to do……leave their families. It’s not easy for them to walk away but it’s their duty. Understand that it’s mission first and their way of dealing with being away from you at this point.

Once they leave, they will call home and sound super happy and excited. 

You will not be being happy or excited. You will still be sad and adjusting to your empty house, your new single parent responsibilities, or an empty house. 

They will be living their best life. I know this is hard to understand but that’s a good thing. You want them to be happy. You want them to be excited. 

I once told a spouse who was frustrated with this. It’s so much better to hear your deployed spouse is living their best life than them calling you miserable. If they call you miserable, that’s when you understand you cannot help them.

It will break your heart; you will feel completely helpless and, in all honesty, there is nothing you can do for them. So, when your spouse calls home telling you how amazing it that’s a good thing. Even when life isn’t that great for you now.

I will say I am not one of those spouses who will tell you to hide your emotions from your deployed spouse.

I know there are a lot of spouses out there that will tell you not to tell your service member the bad stuff going on at home. You’re supposed to tell them it’s all rainbows, sunshine, and glitter. You’re not supposed to cry. 

However, I am one of those spouses that will tell you to openly communicate with your service member. Your service member needs to know how you are feeling, that you miss them, that it’s been a hard day and that Murphy moved into your home.

I’m not saying blow the phone up but don’t emotionally shut down. Your service member still needs to know things just like when they are having a hard time, they will need you.

Murphy will move into your home. 

Murphy’s law says if it will go wrong it will. Murphy will be like the boyfriend you can’t break up with. Stuff you never imaged would happen will happen.

You will have to watch YouTube videos and learn to do all kinds of stuff you never dreamed you would do. Keep in mind this is a good thing and brag to your service member. After all, not every spouse can fix a hot water heater! FYI lawn mowers need oil. Not sure who needs to hear this, but they do!

Your service member will have hard days. 

There will be days when something happens, and they need you. You need to be able to give them a pep talk.

Love them from a distance and be supportive. Even when you are having a bad day. You need to be prepared to be there for them. Sometimes at the end of the day, they might be having a harder day than you are. Please recognize that and support them the best way you can.

Find your tribe!!! 

And I don’t mean a tribe of civilian friends. I mean a tribe of military friends. A tribe that can understand, keep your secrets, and gives you guidance. I would not be able to survive all the cray of a deployment without my tribe of military spouses. They will guide you, love one (even from afar), and being your sounding board. You cannot do a deployment without a military spouse tribe.

Prepare yourself for the phone calls, texts, and video chats to tapper off. 

There will come a time when the communication slacks off. This does not mean something is wrong. This means your service member is doing their job or enjoying some downtime. 

Try not to take it personally if you do not feel emotionally connected to your service member. They are getting into their new normal just like you are. It’s a process.

I know it’s hard, it was for me. I didn’t like my husband being so far away and not wanting to constantly talk to me. But just like you are living your new life alone they are there to do a job so they can get back home to you.

Take some time to grieve. 

It took me two months to pick up my husbands’ shoes off the living room floor or to fold the last load of his laundry. Leave it there until you are ready. When you are you will know. There is not a rule book on how to handle these kinds of things. It’s hard. Take your time. When you’re ready to pick the shoes up, you will. 

Take this time apart as a positive thing. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard, there will be bad days but try new things. Find new hobbies, go to school, focus on work, eat junk food in bed, and watch whatever you want on TV. Deployments do not mean it’s the end of a marriage or the world. It can be a great time for you to self-reflect and discover new things about yourself.

Remember deployment is temporary. 

I know going into a 13-month deployment it felt like it would last forever. It’s temporary. Your service member will come home. Everything you’re going through or will go through is temporary. Just keep that in the back of your mind, it will eventually end.

There will be anxiety when the end is coming.

I have not personally experienced the end of a deployment, yet. My husband is still gone right now. However, I did get to watch a homecoming of my best friend and her husband. 

Don’t worry about the perfect coming home outfit. Wear something comfortable. You really don’t know how you will react when you see your service member. 

When I saw my friend see her husband for the first time, she ran to him, threw her shoes off, and jumped in his arms. I realized I needed to wear pants and tennis shoes after watching them. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Cue the Hallmark movie theme music and tears.

Finally, remember you are a military spouse! 

You married the military. You love your service member. You are strong. You have made it through TDYs, PCS, Schools, trainings, and anything else the military world throws at you. 

Some of you have had babies without your spouses, have raised babies without your spouse, faced all kinds of obstacles without your spouse and who knows what else. We can do this, and we will do this!

You will get through all the suck. You will cry, you will be lonely, you will have great days, you will have terrible days. It’s part of it but at the end of the day, YOU CAN DO IT!!! It’s what makes Military spouses special!

The best advice I can give it try to enjoy yourself. Take a vacation. Enjoy your alone time.

Spend time with friends and family. Go to school. Dive into work. Work in your yard. Crochet a blanket. Whatever it is that you have always wanted to do……do it!!!

It’s the perfect time to discover who you are. Love yourself and the time will pass. Remember embrace the suck. That’s all you can do. Embrace the suck and live your best life.

My name is Megan Davis. I have a full-time paying job and volunteer jobs that I love. I currently work as a Personnel Supervisor at Westaff where I match people in my community looking for jobs with companies looking for workers. I volunteer as the Family Readiness Group Leader for the 2-108 CAV Squadron in Shreveport. I work with Military Spouse Advocacy Network (MSAN) mentoring other National Guard Spouses. Following these passions, I was recognized as the 2020-2021 Louisiana National Guard Spouse of the Year. I love helping people, specifically military spouses. One of my main goals is to make sure military spouses know they are not alone when trying to navigate through the military world. I want to help give them the courage to speak out and help build a support system for them so they can make it through all the crazy things the military life throws at us. I am also a student at the University of Louisiana at Monroe for my bachelor’s degree in risk management. Graduating from ULM has been my biggest goal for years and I am proud to say I am almost there.

Just Another Deployment Night

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It’s another deployment night when the sun fades away, and the lights go on, and we are reminded of the distance.

They have been gone a while, too long really, and yet the days on the calendar don’t want to turn as quickly as we hope they would.

No one is coming home for dinner, no one is going to be there to help with the kids, no one will be there to snuggle with once they go to bed. Those are things that will have to wait. Wait until the deployment is over.

It’s another deployment night, a time to reflect, and figure out what we can do to better ourselves. There are fewer distractions, and time to journal, and to work on our own goals.

As military spouses, we so often have to give up a dream. Or two dreams. Or three.

But a deployment can be a time to figure what chasing our dreams during military life is really going to look like. What we can do vs what we can’t. What will work, and what do we truly want to do.

But even so, even with more time to breathe, we can feel the overwhelm that the deployment brings. We can feel the pressure of having to do all the things, for all the people. The feeling of never being able to have the energy to get our to-do list done.

It’s another deployment night, and as you look at the empty side of the bed, you can’t help but think of all the things you miss about them. Their smile. Their laugh. The way you love to do life with them.

You think about all that will happen when they come home. You worry a bit too, not sure how the transition will go. You two have been living separate lives, and they will be dealing with all the deployment brought.

Still, you think about how once they do get home, you won’t have to miss their smile anymore. They will be laughing alongside you again, and you will get back to making those memories that you hold near and dear.

As the sun goes down on another deployment night, you won’t how many more deployments or separations you might have in the future. You pray you get a big long break between this one and the next. But you know no matter how long they will be home, the time will never be long enough.

You find a new series to watch on Netflix or Hulu, hoping that diving into a new fictional world will make the nights not seem too long. And that works, until it doesn’t. But you keep on trying because you have to stay busy and you have to keep your mind going.

You grab your calendar, trying to find fun things to do. You want to stay busy, but sometimes you just don’t want to have to do anything. Still, you know staying busy is important. Time will go faster that way.

Days pass, nights pass, and you finally find yourself towards the end. 30 days to go…20, now 10. This deployment is almost over. Through all the days apart. Through the long deployment nights. The end is in sight, and all you can think is, wow, I did it. I made it through this deployment.

The deployment part of military life is never easy. Yet deployments come, whether we are ready for them or not. The best thing to do is find ways to get through a deployment, even if that is one day at a time. Take a look at my other deployment blog posts for more ideas and encouragement on getting through a deployment.

Leaving For a Deployment: a Long and Sad Day

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Happy to have this guest post by Kassie on the day her husband left for deployment. Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know if you would like to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life too.

Leaving For a Deployment: a Long and Sad Day

What a long, long, and sad day.  

I haven’t felt this heartbroken in almost 10 years. That was his last deployment. Now we face another.

For a whole year. A whole damn year. With no visits home like before. And now with 4 kids.

I could scream. But I cry. Hard. Uncontrollable. On the floor. Hidden in my closet. Away from our kids who I am supposed to be so strong far. I can’t fake it. So I hide. 

I can’t stand to see my kids so upset. It breaks me to see our 16-year-old beauty so devastated to go through this for the 3rd time.

Our 8-year-old holds his sadness so tight inside. He only shows me watery eyes as he twists his tongue to avoid his pain.

Our 6-year-old, gosh. She asks so many questions. My answers make her sadder. And she cries more.

Our little one-year-old. The one I thought I could protect emotionally because she’s too young to understand, right? No, she understands. Going from room to room looking for “dada.” Even the dog is sad. She hasn’t moved from our bed since 5 am this morning. When he left. 

I don’t have many pictures to post. I didn’t take very many….. I know, I know….. memories! Trust me, I don’t need pictures to ever remember how terribly crushed my kids were to tell their dad goodbye.

Their tear-stained faces won’t ever be forgotten. I don’t need pics to remember how foggy my mind was driving at 5 am to where we would split our hearts in half.

I didn’t need pictures to remember the chest pains I had as he got on that bus. That infamous bus. It has become my frienemy over the years. 

After we parted ways, I came home. With half a heart.

All his stuff is just there. His shirt hanging off the tub. His half-tied running shoes. His toothpaste with the cap off. His body towel is on the floor near the shower. His deodorant on his counter that I love the smell of. All that crushed me. 

It’s my 3rd rodeo. I know how this all goes. It doesn’t make it easier. I know it will get better. Just feels like my heart will literally shatter any minute. 

What a long, long and sad day.

Hey there! My name is Kassie. Superhero by day and tired by 730 at night. I’m a self-proclaimed comedian and a #BadMomOf4. We’ve been a Louisiana Army family for 20 yrs plus. My sweetheart is a Major and I’m just a major pain and our kids are majorly cute. See what I did there?? K, byeeeeeeee. https://www.facebook.com/kassie.jo.broussard

Going through a deployment? Make sure to check out my other deployment blog posts here!

The Deployment Ache

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The Deployment Ache

There is something that happens when you are away from your spouse for a period of time. Something that just isn’t there when they are home. It’s an ache. I am not sure how else to describe it. It isn’t just feeling sad. It isn’t just missing someone.

The Deployment Ache

It’s an ache. The deployment ache.

If you have ever been in a long-distance relationship, you know what I am talking about. The ache is the feeling when something isn’t quite right. You could be having a very good day, enjoying everything in front of you, and still feel that deployment ache. The ache doesn’t just go away because you are happy.

The ache is something you can’t control. The ache is there because you are not with the person you love the most. It’s there because something is missing and nothing can take the place of being with that person.

You can ignore that feeling for a while but it is still always there. Reminding you that your life is not quite complete in the way that it should be. That something important is missing.

I hated the deployment ache.

The ache was the hardest part of the deployment and sometimes you could see the ache on my face. Friends told me they could see such a huge change after my husband got home. Even if I was smiling when he was gone, it just wasn’t as big as when he was home.

When he was home, the ache was gone. That feeling wasn’t there anymore. It was the difference between being deployed and not being deployed.

The deployment ache is when you put the kids to bed and all you can think to do is cry yourself to sleep because you are not sure you can handle one more day.

The deployment ache is when you hear that your husband will be deployed a little bit longer than you had thought and there is nothing you can do about it.

The deployment ache is when you realize they will miss your birthday, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day for the third year in a row.

When your spouse is gone, you tell yourself that once they get home everything is going to be okay again. Then they return, you have a honeymoon period, and then life sets in. They go back to work, the kids need you, life gets busy and semi-normal again.

You have a bad day and you can be surprised about how you feel. During the deployment, you told yourself you would never have a bad day again as long as your spouse was back home with you.

The reality? Life is hard for everyone sometimes, military or not. Life gets complicated and you will have your good and bad days. However, when your spouse is home you are not going to have the deployment ache. And that is something to look forward to.

Because when they are home, the ache is gone and you can focus on everything else going on in your lives instead. You can talk to your spouse often, you can work on issues the two of you are dealing with, you can parent together and you can be a couple, in the ways you hoped you would be when you got married.

The ache is gone and you can move forward with your lives until the next time they would have to go away.

Have you felt the deployment ache before? How do you deal with it?

Want a free Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

I Could Never Do It

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“I could never do it.”

“I couldn’t be a military spouse…”

“There is no way I could handle my husband being away from me”

If you have been a military spouse for any length of time you have probably heard people say that to you before. It just seems to be the thing to say. I am sure it is not because people want to insult us or make us feel bad.

I am sure saying this is just an honest response to hearing about our military lifestyle but the phrase still bothers us. This phrase makes it sound as if we are more okay with our spouses being away than other people would be. That we are more okay with going months and months without our spouse by our side. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Before my husband joined the Army, I couldn’t do it either.

I said I could never handle him being away or having to parent my son alone. I just couldn’t imagine a world where that would be our reality. Then a few months passed and we decided he was going to re-join the Army.

I had to start as a solo parent right away. Even though I didn’t think I had the strength to do so.

I said that I couldn’t do it when there were rumors that our deployment would be extended to 15 months. I didn’t think I could get through that. But I did.

When I thought about giving birth without my husband by my side, I didn’t think I could do that either but I did.

When I got married, I did not see deployments in the future as I walked down the aisle.

Everyone who had married someone already in the military could not have imagined how hard military life would really be. The military is not something you can plan out ahead of time. Military life is a journey with all kinds of twists and turns. Sometimes you will come up against a struggle you don’t think you can get through. But you do.

At the end of the day, we love our spouses. We know what their job is and we stand by them. Even if it hurts, which it does. Even if we sometimes think we can’t be strong anymore.

We push through the hardships because we know that the man or woman we see in uniform waiting to hug and kiss us after the deployment is worth all the waiting. We know that if our spouse thinks that they should be serving in the military, that we will stand beside them.

Know that sometimes we military spouses can’t do it either. That we are not always so strong and that we sometimes need a little more support.

So when you see a military spouse, try not to tell her that you could never do it. Because I bet if there was a time in your life when you and your spouse had to be apart, you would be able to somehow do it too.

Know that military spouses are not strong because we are a special type of person, but that this life has made us that way.

Know that we want our spouse home every night just like you do. That we hate that they have to miss so much. That some days are harder than others and that we know that someday we won’t have to be apart anymore.

Instead of saying you could never do what a military spouse does, tell your military spouse friends that they are capable of making it through. Tell them that if they need to break down sometimes, that is okay and that you are there to listen whenever they need to talk. Be their friend, give them hugs, and know that life brings each of us challenges and that this one is one of theirs.

What You Should Know About Getting Through the Pre-Deployment Period

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Before They Leave For a Deployment 

I had only been a military spouse for about 10 months when my husband left on his first deployment. 4.5 of those months were spent in the US while he waited for me and my son in Germany. I wasn’t surprised about him deploying, he was in the Army, deployments were apart of the deal.

I just didn’t totally know what to expect. It was one thing to be apart from your husband when he was on a military post in Germany, waiting to join him, quite another when he would be in a war zone in Iraq.

We did have a few months to prepare for the deployment. I arrived in Germany at the end of March and already we knew a deployment was going to happen. At that time we didn’t know the exact dates but that yes, a deployment was coming. By the summer we had a much better idea of when they would be leaving and us wives started to band together knowing we would need one another to get through the long months ahead.

I remember the day clearly. My friend had come to visit from Austria and we were sitting around talking with my husband. The phone rang, which usually meant my parents were calling but not this time. This call was from someone in the Unit. They were letting me know that orders had been cut and that my husband would be officially deploying in exactly a month.

I got off the phone and took a deep breath. The deployment was really happening.

What You Should Know About Getting Through the Pre-Deployment Period

Even if you know that your spouse is going to deploy, accepting the reality of them leaving can be difficult.

There is so much to think about. Will they be safe? What will they be doing? What will I do when they are gone? What about the children?

The time leading up to your deployment might be very stressful and that is normal. There is a lot that needs to happen and a lot that you want to happen. For some, this means one more trip home, a special family photo, or one more trip to the zoo, your family’s favorite place to go together.

As a spouse, you are aware that every minute you have together is precious and that once they leave, you will no longer get to have them.

What can do you during those weeks and days before the deployment?

Here are some ideas:

Be Helpful

Your spouse is going to need your help. They might need you to not make so many plans on the weekends leading up to their deployment date. They might need you to scale back on certain things or they might need help getting all their gear together.

Make sure to ask and let your spouse know that you are there for what they might need. In return, make sure you are open and honest about what you need from them. Maybe you need more daily kisses, maybe you need to have more movie nights. Talk things out so that you both know what each other need in the time before the deployment begins.

Be Patient

Patience is going to help you during the pre-deployment period. A lot of military couples fight during this time because of the stress level. Try not to worry too much when you see them packing their bags. Enjoy the time you still have together and try not to rush those days away. Be patient about work schedules before the deployment.

Sometimes they do have to work late, even just a few days before they have to go. Other times they will get off early and even have days off. Just know that you may or may not have a lot of time together before the deployment and that can be up to the Command, not your spouse.

Be Understanding

Getting ready to leave your family to go do something you trained for isn’t easy. Even though your spouse has a job to do, they are going to miss you and everything about the life you had created together. The pre-deployment period can be hard for them and they might not know how to act.

The closer they are to you before they leave, the harder it can be for them to go. Service members and even military spouses pull away a bit before a deployment because of that. They don’t want to make the goodbye more painful than it already is.

Be understanding of this and try not to take certain things personally. Sometimes the behavior is just the deployment talking.

Make Memories

Spend the weeks before the deployment making a lot of memories. Plan a trip, go on a lot of day trips, take a lot of photos and spend a lot of family time together.

If you have small kids and you know finding a babysitter once he is gone will be difficult, plan some time out with your friends when your husband is still home to watch them. You will be glad you did when you are months into solo parenting after the deployment has started.

Prepare the Children

If you have kids and they are old enough to understand what your spouse will be doing, have some talks about what will be happening beforehand. With smaller children, you don’t have to tell them what is going to happen but make sure you are there for them when they do start to ask for the other parent.

You can get Daddy Dolls and put up photos of your spouse in their bedroom. You can make a book of photos that are safe for babies and older children might appreciate something similar as well.

Some of the hardest parts of a deployment can be when your children miss their mom or dad. That can break your heart but luckily there are a lot of resources out there to help you. Sesame Street has a great program for deployed children and there are many children’s books about deployment that you can buy to have on hand.

Keep in mind too that different children might react differently based on their ages and their personalities. As the deployment begins you will start to see what might bother them and what they might be okay with.

Have a few date nights

If you are able to, plan a few date nights before they have to leave. Go out and spend time together as a couple. Enjoy one another.

Talk about your expectations during the time you are going to be apart. Talk about what you will do if you hit a hard period during the deployment.

Have fun on your dates too. See a movie, take a walk, go bowling. Do fun things you know you might miss when they are away.

Find Your People

You are going to need to find your people to help you through a deployment. Your people can be the neighbors on your streets, the moms in your playgroup, or even a good Facebook group of others that understand.

For me, finding that FRG was a must for our first deployment. They were a great group of women and being that we were all stationed in Germany together we created a second family of people to connect with and spend the deployment with.

This isn’t always the case and wasn’t in later deployments. Sometimes I had a close best friend, and other times I just had to stay busy as much as I could, depending on emotional help from family and friends who lived far away. Each deployment is going to look a little different but you will want to find a few people you can depend on while your spouse is away.

Any military spouse who has gone through a deployment can tell you, the pre-deployment period is not going to be easy. There is a lot to be stressed and anxious about during this time. Do your best to get through those days and weeks and know that once the deployment starts, the countdown can begin.

Blog Posts On Deployment

Someones hearing someone else’s story is super helpful in getting through the pre-deployment or deployment period. Here are a few blog posts from both Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and other military spouses to help you through:

So You Just Found Out You’re Pregnant, And Your Spouse is Deploying

For the MilSpouse Right in the Middle of a Deployment

Just Keep Swimming Military Spouse, Just Keep Swimming

The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: Pre-Deployment

15 Must-Do Things to Prepare for Deployment

5 Tough Conversations To Have BEFORE Deployment

Parent’s Guide to the Military Child During Deployment and Reunion

Pre-Deployment Checklist for Military Spouses

50+ Questions to Ask Your Spouse Before a Deployment

How do you prepare for a deployment?