Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

It’s Okay To Miss Your Spouse

by

It's Okay To Miss Your Spouse

Military life can look quite different depending on your service member’s MOS, time in service, rank, and location. Some service members deploy more often than others. Some go to more trainings. Over the years, things can change. You will have periods of time when they are gone a lot, and periods when they are home.

Sometimes military life is a monthly drill weekend, two weeks in the field, and random trainings with a deployment every five years.

Sometimes military life is coming and going on a regular basis, home for two weeks, gone for three. And repeat.

Sometimes military life is a nine-month deployment, home for a year, then get ready to do it again.

Sometimes military life is a CQ, right on the day you need them with you the most.

The reality is, there will be plenty of times when your spouse is away from you, and you miss them. And some of those times will be longer than others.

Sometimes, we as a military community want to play the one up game. Where your spouse has to be gone X amount of days before you can miss them. We want to say that a shorter deployment is much easier than a longer one. We don’t want to hear anyone whose spouse is gone for a shorter amount of time than our spouse is, say they are having a hard time.

But the truth is, it is okay to miss your spouse, no matter how long they are gone.

It's Okay To Miss Your Spouse

You see, over the years I have realized something. While longer deployments mean more days to get through, shorter deployments can still be very difficult.

While drill weekends are so much shorter than other times we have been apart, they tend to happen at the wrong time, make that weekend pretty difficult.

While a two-week training is nothing compared to being gone all summer long, that two-week training can bring up a lot of emotions for people.

It’s okay to miss your spouse, no matter what you have been through in the past, or what you might go through in the future.

It’s okay to miss your spouse when you are the only one at the soccer game, for the third week in a row.

It’s okay to miss your spouse because it is your son’s first day of kindergarten and your husband has to look at photos from the day, instead of sending them off by your side.

It’s okay to miss your spouse because you had a date night planned and CQ got in the way.

It’s okay to miss your spouse because he has been in South Korea for five months, and he has seven more to go.

It’s okay to say that life is better when they are home and that you are having a bad time when they are gone. It’s okay to yell surrender. It’s okay to talk to others about this.

It's Okay To Miss Your Spouse

As military spouses, our lives will change over the course of our service member’s career. Sometimes we will be the one there for our friends, helping them through the deployment. Sometimes we will be the ones who are missing our spouse so much, that hearing their name makes us cry.

At the end of the day, it’s okay to miss our spouse, to want them back with us, to want them not to have to go as much. Doing so doesn’t make us weak, it makes us have to figure out how to be strong.

So if you hear people say that you don’t have the right to miss your spouse because of whatever reason, ignore them. You do have that right. Whether they are gone for the weekend or for over a year. You are a military spouse, and missing your love is apart of the deal.

Going through a deployment? Check out my deployment posts; they should help 🙂 

 

When Their Job Comes First

by 2 Comments

The Military Has to Come First

We hear so often not to put your job before family. We hear so often that you should find a family-friendly workplace. We hear so often that these things are important, and they are, they really are.

But…

For the military spouse, married to a service member, their job has to come first. Sometimes at the worst time. Sometimes at the time you really need them.

The truth of the military is that the Army, or the Navy, or the Marine Corps, or whatever the branch has to come first.

The truth is, the military shakes up your life when you don’t want anything to do with the military at that moment.

When Their Job Comes First

The truth is, your spouse might have to go, go overseas, fight in a war, and they will have to go.

No matter how much they love you.

No matter how much they want to stay.

No matter how many other times they have had to be away.

When you married your service member, you knew they would be gone, you knew they wouldn’t always be with you. But the reality that the military does come first isn’t always easy to take.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a child get diagnosed with autism.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a miscarriage or other loss.

Sometimes a deployment will come right when a spouse is trying to heal from something that they feel they need their spouse there for.

Sometimes the timing just isn’t right, but there isn’t a lot you can do about that. The job has to come first.

There are times when things can be changed. There are compassionate reassignments. Commands can hold people back for a few months from a deployment. They can send them home early in some circumstances. But none of that is promised. None of that is 100%.

And trying to come to terms with everything isn’t easy. Trying to be “okay” with the military coming first isn’t easy. Figuring out ways to get through these difficult times isn’t easy.

Here are a few things you can do to help when you know the job has to come first.

Find a good support system

Basically, find your people. Both online and IRL. Find people who support you, and love you. They will be the ones to help you through.

Remember why they joined

When you are feeling really down about everything military related, remember why they joined the military in the first place. Remember why they enlisted. Thinking about all of that can put things in perspective.

Make a detailed plan

You might be going through something you need your spouse there for, but the military has to come first. So, what will you do about it? Who will you go to instead? You will need to come up with a plan.

Figure out what will make things easier for you. That could be hiring a babysitter once a week, starting a new workout plan, or creating a list of services you can call when the need arises.

Since we are all different people, our lists might not look the same, but making a good list of how you will get through this time is important.

Remember, even though the job or the mission has to come first, there are also periods of time when the family does. Maybe this is block leave after a deployment, or having your soldier stay home a few extra weeks to be there for the birth of your baby.

There are times when they will be home early and have days off. Remembering these moments isn’t always easy, especially when you are not currently living them but, they will come again, I promise.

What is the best way to handle the disappointment of when the job has to come first? What do you do to help you through?

The Truth About Seeing Your Spouse Again After A Deployment

by 5 Comments

The Truth About Seeing Your Spouse Again After A Deployment

In the summer of 2009, I waited in an airport terminal in a fancy dress and heels. I never wear heels but this was a special day. My husband was flying in from Iraq for a two-week R&R during his year-long deployment. My boys and I were in California visiting my family, and that is where he was going to spend his R&R.

I was waiting at the airport, staring at the escalator that brought down the arriving passengers. Had it been ten years earlier, had 9/11 never happened I could have watched him get off the plane. But this was as far as I could go in our post-9/11 world.

Men and women came down with their backpacks and small bags of luggage, but I waited. And then, at the top of the stairs, I saw the first part of the uniform, and I knew it was him. We hadn’t seen each other for about nine months. As soon as I saw his face, I ran to him, heels and all.

I could hear all the other people in the airport when they realized what was happening, that a soldier was meeting up with his wife after time apart.

I heard cheers and claps as I ran right into his arms. This was bliss. This was what amazing meant. This was how things were supposed to be, both of us, in one another’s arms, husband, and wife together again.

I took off my heels as soon as we got into the car and started to relax. My parents had our boys, and we would see them again in the morning. This day, it was for me. Just for my husband and me. We got a local hotel and spent that first night together after so many months apart.

The strangest thing after a deployment is the feeling that you don’t know one another like you used to, like you did before they left.

This is a scary feeling. You guys have been living apart for quite a while. You both have changed. You are both not the same as you were the day that they left. This is normal.

That first day of R&R we decided to spend some time at a local outdoor mall. We walked around the stores and things felt weird. It was similar to how one would feel on a first date. Here was this man, this guy, he loved me and I loved him but things didn’t feel 100% familiar, not like they normally do.

I knew this feeling would fade. That time would pass and he would feel like home again. That’s what happened. I know we are lucky. That feeling doesn’t always come back for everyone.

That R&R we spent a lot of family time together and we were able to spend a few days on an anniversary trip to Catalina Island. We had gone there for our honeymoon and were now able to be back on our anniversary. Somehow that worked out despite crazy military schedules.

Two weeks went by and he had to go back as they do after R&R. I dropped him back off at the airport. This time we would be apart a little over two months.

That didn’t seem as bad. We could do it. Luckily that deployment didn’t get extended, but it was always a worry.

He came home that November and we started the process of moving back to the US from Germany. Another deployment was done, completed. So many years have passed since that summer and I can still remember so much about how I felt when he came home, how nice R&R was, and how hard saying goodbye at the end of R&R was.

The truth is, deployments can hit you hard. They can mess with you. They can cause you to think things about your relationship that simply are not true.

The time after deployment isn’t always bliss, in fact, for most people, there is always something to work through. Being away from your spouse isn’t easy and can take a lot of time to get back to any type of normal. Some couples have to work through so much. Some couples can’t get past it.

The truth is, a deployment is a difficult situation you and your spouse will have to go through. And for a lot of military spouses, you will have to go through them more than once.

You have to work hard, you have to work on your marriage, and you both have to be understanding of what you both have been through while you were apart.

If you are towards the end of your deployment, know that homecoming is probably going to be a good day. You will get your spouse back. You will no longer be married to your phone or your computer. Your real-life husband or wife will live with you again.

But also know that the after deployment road won’t always be easy. Homecomings look so amazing, and they can be, but once you get home, that is when the real work begins.

Be open, be honest, and seek help if you need to. This after deployment readjustment period can be filled with ups and downs. You have to get to know each other again, you have to work with what happened over there, things are not going to back to normal right away.

And your after deployment struggles could be different from other military couples. What you and your spouse struggle with can be different from what other couples struggle with. Don’t compare, and try to figure out what help you and your own spouse might need.

What are your best tips for reintegration after a deployment? What would you tell a spouse who is worried about what will happen after their service member comes home? 

Pregnant During Deployment: How to Make Life Easier

by Leave a Comment

This post is sponsored by the Breastfeeding Shop!

Pregnancy During Deployment: How to Make Life Easier

I was 25 weeks pregnant with my second child when my husband deployed for the first time. I also had a two year at home. And we lived on the 3rd floor of a stairwell apartment. This created a bit of challenge for me, especially as the pregnancy went on.

Pregnancy in general isn’t easy and not having my husband around to help added to it. But I did what I could, had to get creative sometimes, and made it through. For example, I knew I couldn’t go up and down those stairs multiple times a day so I would get a couple of bags of groceries every few days and that made things a lot easier. It helped to have access to a close Commissary to be able to make that work.

Here are a few things you can do to make life a bit easier if you are pregnant during a deployment:

  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Others in the community have been when you have been and many would love to help you out in one way or another. Anything from offering used clothing to watching an older child during prenatal appointments. Finding your support system is a must!
  • Take classes. Most duty stations will offer classes on childbirth and parenting. These classes can help you feel more at ease when it comes to preparing to give birth and then raising your baby.
  • Ask family or good friends to come visit and help you. I know asking for help is hard but if you have anyone that might be able to come help you, even if for a few days, that can ease some of the stress. I was thankful to have my mom come out for two months to be there during the birth and then after the baby was born.
  • Stay organized. There is a lot to do to prepare for having a new baby. You will want to stay organized whether it is keeping track of all your appointments, what you still need to buy before they get here, or just what you need to do on a day to day basis.
  • Breathe. I know that being pregnant during a deployment without a partner in the house is overwhelming but you can get through this. Let go of some of your expectations. You won’t be able to do everything. Give yourself grace for getting done what you can.

When you are pregnant, your body changes in so many ways. And sometimes you need a little extra support, especially as you get closer to your due date.

Compression garments for your pregnancy

The Breastfeeding Shop, known for a great place to get your FREE breast pump, also offers a selection of compression garments to help you feel better during your pregnancy.

You can find:

Pregnancy Support Bands

Pregnancy Support Bands and Pregnancy Support Braces which help improve posture and reduce pain, Pregnancy Compression Socks and Maternity Support Hose which help prevent swelling and discomfort, and V-Sling Pelvic Support Bands.

Maternity Support Hose

TRICARE will cover prenatal support garments and maternity compression hose and socks.

These products can help you feel a little better during those last few months before the baby comes.

When it comes to what you need for baby, beyond the breast pump you can get a range of breastfeeding supplies. Many are covered by TRICARE too!

TRICARE covers the following supplies:

  • A breast pump kit
  • Power adapters
  • Tubing
  • Tube Adapters
  • Locking rings
  • Bottles
  • Bottle caps
  • Storage bags
  • Valves and membranes
  • SNS (Supplemental Nursing System)
  • Nipple shields and splash protectors

You can begin getting breast pump supplies before delivery, starting at 27 weeks, up to three years after the birth event.

The Breastfeeding Shop is the perfect place to get your free breast pump, breast pump supplies, and maternity support garments. They make it easy to order what you need and you can upload your prescription right on the website.

The Breastfeeding Shop is a family owned business who offers a range of supplies for whatever a new mom or a breastfeeding mom needs to nourish their babies. Visit them for all of your breast pump and breastfeeding needs.

When Your Spouse Deploys

by

When Your Spouse Deploys

When you are married to a service member, you know the time will come; you know that they will eventually deploy. If they haven’t yet, you know they will and while you might know this is all coming, hearing those words are never easy.

They come home from work one day, walk in the door, and by the look on their face, you know what they are going to say.

There have been rumors, the other military spouses talk. You knew a deployment might happen, but you hoped they wouldn’t leave until next year. When your kids were not as young, when you had less on your plate, when the timing seemed better.

But is there ever a good time for a deployment?

“I have some news,” he says. “What is it?” You say, now is not the time to beat around the bush.

“We are deploying.”

“Okay.” You are not sure how to respond. You are shocked. You are not shocked. You want more details, and so you ask for them. He tells you that it will probably be in June, next June, unless they send him early in May, or even April and there is a slight chance he won’t have to go until late July, even August.

Your brain tries to go to the next year. Wasn’t that when you were finally going to take the kids to Disneyworld? Guess that will have to wait. You also wanted to start school? Go back and finish your degree, but is a deployment the right time to do so? Maybe, maybe not.

“Okay,” you say, because you can’t say anything else, you are still trying to process everything.

You are still trying to figure out what you are going to do and how you are going to get to a place where you can handle this.

When Your Spouse Deploys

“It’s still four months away,” he says. And you know that. He isn’t leaving tomorrow. You still have plenty of time. But you also know that time will go by too fast, as it always does. That four months isn’t that long.

You are now in pre-deployment mode, even if the deployment doesn’t seem real. Your emotions change, you start to feel like you are more in survival mode than you were before. You worry more about the kids, calculating how old they will be when he leaves and when he is supposed to get home.

And then time passes. He starts to get his things together. Military stuff everywhere. You don’t want it in your living room, but that is where he has to pack.

And one day, his military stuff is gone. And you know he will soon follow.

It’s now the week before the deployment. He is leaving. Earlier than you wanted, later than he first said. You were able to squeeze so many memories in the last few months, but were they enough? Are they ever enough? The kids know he is going; you don’t know how hard the deployment will be for them.

You pray for your spouse, for patience, for relief from the pain this deployment brings. You know you can get through this time apart, but how many times will it feel like you can’t? How many breakdowns will you have during the months he is away?

Then the week turns into just a couple of days and then it is the night before. What do you do the night before they deploy? And then it is the day of. You wake up too early, can you sleep through this day?

When Your Spouse Deploys

No, this is the day you say goodbye. The day the countdown begins.

And then it is time to get into the car, you try not to cry, but the tears are right there. You have decided that you simply can’t stay until he leaves. You will say your goodbyes and take the kids back home. That is what works best for you and your family.

And then you give him that one last hug, one last kiss, one last goodbye. You are committed to doing this; you will not walk away, you hope this deployment makes your marriage stronger.

When you get home from dropping them off, you think about all the things he will miss, and that is when the waterworks flow. You worry about their safety and hope you can find a way to calm your fears.

When your spouse deploys, you will find a way to make it through. Through those lonely nights, through the time apart, and through everything that comes your way.

If you have just started a deployment, or in the middle of one, make sure to check out my deployment posts and join my Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Facebook group. Deployment support is out there.

Giving Birth When Your Spouse Is Deployed

by 10 Comments

Giving Birth When Your Spouse Is Deployed

Giving birth when your spouse is deployed is common in the military spouse community.

If you walk into a room of Military spouses and ask how many of them have given birth when their spouse was deployed, you would get quite a few hands. It is something that has happened to a lot of us. Despite planning, a compassionate chain of command and a lot of prayers, sometimes the dads have to miss the birth. This just comes with being a Military spouse.

The reason I had to give birth without my husband was because I was due right in the middle of a deployment. He left in August and I was due in December. In some cases, they might let someone stay back for a birth. That was not the case for us that time. When I was due with baby #3, my husband did get to stay back because he was not allowed to deploy until November and I was due December 1st.

He just missed the birth

With my Germany baby, the child I had without my husband, I was expecting around mid-December. Considering my previous experience with my oldest son being born two weeks early, I anticipated an early delivery. We were hopeful that my husband would be able to be home for the birth as he was scheduled for R&R around the due date.

However, in the end, he didn’t leave Iraq until the day I gave birth. It took him a few days to get to Germany. He finally got to meet our baby when he was three days old.

Thank goodness for mom

Luckily I was able to have my Mom there with me. When I found out he might not be there in time for the birth, I asked if she could come out. Since we knew my other son was early, we had to plan on baby #2 being that early too and she came about 2.5 weeks before my due date.

In the end he was only born four days early. I almost think the stress of knowing my husband wasn’t leaving Iraq until later caused him to wait a bit longer to be born.

When your spouse is deployed, they may not make it in time

In some cases, the service member is not going to make it home for the birth or even be home for a few months after the birth either. This depends on the situation, the unit, rank and all of that.

During that first deployment, I had a few friends who got pregnant on R&R thinking their husband would be home in more than enough time to be there for the birth. In the end, the deployment was extended for 15 months total and the men were not allowed to go home to see their children being born. They got to meet them when they were about two months old.

If you think you might be in a situation where you will be giving birth without your husband, it is important to remember that you are not alone. Others have done it before and you will be able to get through it.

When you have to give birth without your spouse

  • Find someone who can attend the birth with you. Family member, friend and in some cases a doula can step in when your husband cannot be there. Find someone you trust that you want to be by your side. This will make a big difference and you won’t have to go through the birth alone.
  • Prepare yourself for the possibility. If your spouse just left and they tell you he can come back for the birth, don’t believe that 100%. Things always change in the Military. Promises can be broken. Nothing is set in stone until it happens. Tell yourself early on that if he can’t be there, you will be okay. Then hope and pray that he can be there. It is all you can do.
  • Use Video. We didn’t have this back in 2006 but these days women are giving birth while their husband is watching and cheering them on using Facetime or Zoom. Now this will take planning and help from the Unit but it can be done. Thank goodness for modern technology that this is even an option. Now a dad can help coach his wife through childbirth, even from overseas.
  • Take any help you can get.  When people find out that you are having a baby by yourself, they will offer to help you. Take them up on it. From watching your other kids to taking you meals. Don’t say no to this kind of help. You will need the help and be very grateful for it later.

As a Military spouse, you have to make sacrifices and giving birth without your husband could be one of them. Know you are strong enough to handle doing this and remember, you are not alone.

Have you had to give birth when your spouse was deployed? How did it go?

12 Things to Do On Valentine’s Day if Your Military Service Member is Far Away

by 1 Comment

12 Things to Do On Valentine's Day if Your Military Service Member is Far Away

Is it really time for Valentine’s Day again? Time is moving that’s for sure. Before we know it summer will be here and we will be getting ready for another fall season.

Valentine’s Day is always an interesting holiday. The day is all about love, spending time together, and remembering why you love one another.

For military spouses, this might be a little bit more complicated. Your service member might be deployed or otherwise not living in your home at the moment. You might want to skip the day altogether but your kids wouldn’t be too happy about that. You may be left asking yourself if you should even celebrate and if you should, what can you do?

Here are 12 things to do this Valentine’s Day if your service member is far away:

1) Buy yourself some chocolate

Go, do it. Buy yourself some chocolate. You can pick out your favorite kind. And no, you don’t have to share it with anyone.

2) Celebrate with friends

Plan something fun with your friends. Have dinner, go see a movie, or even set up a fun Zoom party. Celebrate the love that comes with friendships.

3) Buy yourself flowers

Buy a new plant. Buy your own flowers. Buy something special that brings you joy.

4) Order a yummy meal

Put the kids to bed early. Order something yummy for yourself, put on your favorite movie, and enjoy the night for what it is. A night to treat yourself.

5) Make a playlist for your spouse just for the holiday

Think back to when couples would make themselves mixed tapes. It’s just the modern version. Put your favorites or songs that remind you of your relationship. It can be a trip down memory lane.

6) Have a video chat Valentine’s Day date

If you can make this work, plan a video date with your sweetheart. You might not be in the same room but that way you can spend Valentine’s Day together.

7) Give your kids Valentine’s Day

If your spouse can’t be around, focus on giving Valentine’s to your kids. They will love them and you can have a fun time celebrating Valentine’s Day with them.

8) Have a Valentine’s Day baking day

Plan a Valentine’s Day baking day. You can do this solo, with your kids, or with friends. Make heart-shaped cookies, bake a pink and white cake, or create a new Valentine’s Day treat.

9) Nothing

This is also an option. Don’t do anything. You don’t have to. And if that is what is more comfortable for you, why not? You don’t have to celebrate any holiday you really don’t want to celebrate.

10) Phone a friend or family member

Why not take the day to catch up with someone you haven’t talked to for a while. I am talking about the good old-fashioned phone call. This can be a good friend, your mom, your grandma, or anyone else you feel like calling.

11) Read a good romance

Curl up with some hot chocolate and dive into a romance novel. Escape into another world. And if romance is not your thing, how about a fantasy? Or any other type of book you can get lost in.

12) Watch a good rom-com

Find a fun rom-com to get lost in. It can be something from the 90s that you love or something new that just came out on Netflix. There are so many options. Don’t forget the popcorn!

How will you spend this Valentine’s Day???

When There is a Natural Disaster and Your Spouse is Deployed

by

What To Do When There is a Natural Disaster and Your Spouse is Deployed

I have been through my share of earthquakes growing up in California. Fortunately, I was never in any danger from any of them.

After moving to the south, I have been through my fair share of tornado warnings, and they have been pretty scary sometimes.

The biggest issue we have dealt with when it came to weather when my husband was deployed was losing power during a storm, for about 37 hours. While we didn’t have any real damage, and USAA replaced all our food, it was a struggle not knowing when the power would come back on, and being on my own with three little kids during the power outage.

Hurricanes, fires, tornadoes, tsunamis, volcanoes, earthquakes, and even massive snowstorms can cause us to panic a little bit, or even more than a bit. We want to feel safe in our homes, but mother nature doesn’t allow us to always feel that way. Mother nature also doesn’t care if our spouse is deployed or not.

Dealing with a natural disaster with a deployed spouse is a bit terrifying, even for the most independent military spouse. You want them right by your side during this time, but they can’t be.

So what can you do when there is a natural disaster and your spouse is deployed?

Don’t panic

What you want to try not to do, is overly panic. I know it can be difficult, natural disasters are scary, especially if you have never been through that type of disaster before. You want to try to stay calm so you can figure out how to prepare yourself and your family.  You want to be able to think with a clear head.

Take warnings seriously

Blowing off a weather warning can sometimes be easy to do. There can be a lot of worry over a storm, and nothing comes of it. However, this isn’t always the case. It is better to be overly prepared than not prepared enough. Take any warnings about your area seriously.

Decide what you are going to do

If you live in an area that can get hurricanes, make sure you talk over with your spouse what you will do if one comes while they are away. What is your game plan? Do you have family or friends you can stay with?

In the case of tornados, make sure you know where your family is supposed to go once the alarms sound. Talk this over with your children, so they are aware of what to do. Practice earthquake drills, and be prepared for whatever type of natural disaster might hit your area.

Emergency kits

Put together your emergency kit, just in case. You might not need it, but it is a good idea to have. Check out Disaster Prep: 8 Things to Have on Hand for an idea of what you need in your kit. Do your research so you have the supplies you need.

Band together

Band together with your neighbors and military spouse friends. If you have a close friend, you might want to hang out together until the storm has passed. See how you can help one another out. You can do things like trade childcare as you each take turns going to the store to prepare your home for the upcoming storm or just be there for one another.

What To Do When There is a Natural Disaster and Your Spouse is Deployed

Follow the news

This is the time to watch the news during a deployment. Follow what is going on, you don’t want to be caught unaware. In our area, under a tornado warning, the news will show when the threat is supposed to hit your area by the minute. Make sure your weather radio always has working batteries and that you always have a way of being notified of a warning even if you are sleeping.

Here are some website and resources about natural disasters to help you:

10 Ways for Military Families to Prep Before Hurricane Florence

Disaster Preparedness 101

Military Family Preparedness

Creating a Family Emergency Plan

How military families should prepare for natural disasters

Steps to Take After a Flood, Fire or Other Natural Disaster

Hurricane Evacuations, Military Entitlements, and Insurance Coverage

Tips To Make Your Home Earthquake Ready

Red Cross- Find An Open Shelter

Sesame Street- Support After An Emergency

Prepare for Wildfire

Tornado Safety Tips

Tornado Warning: 7 Ways to Prepare Yourself

Another Hurricane Is on the Way: Is Your Military Family Prepared?

The MilSpouse’s Guide to Catastrophic Weather

Prepare for a Tsunami

Pets and Animals

Please stay safe if you are in harm’s way. Pay attention, and know you can get through this, as hard as it might seem.