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When You Can’t Control Military Life: Learning to Let Go

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When You Can’t Control Military Life: Learning to Let Go

It can sometimes feel like we have so little control over our lives as military spouses. We might not get a say during a PCS, but we definitely don’t get a say during deployments. And we may have to put our careers on hold or pivot in a way we never would have thought.

Coping with lack of control as a military spouse means learning to live in the space between orders, uncertainty, and the life you’re trying to build anyway. And while this isn’t easy, it is a great skill to learn.

When the Orders Change

We know that orders might change, but that doesn’t mean it is easy when it happens. We can get excited about certain orders or certain plans. But then they change. The best thing to do is to remind yourself that this can happen and plan accordingly, and always write in your planner in pencil.

Learning to live with uncertainty

The truth is, military life is learning about how to live with uncertainty. It is about learning to pivot and being okay with change. It is not holding too tightly to things, but also being able to plan between the messiness of this life.

It’s Okay to Get Frustrated

It’s also okay to get frustrated about all of this. It is okay to wonder if you and your spouse should have some serious talks about how long they will serve for. It is okay to be annoyed about it all. But it is also best to figure out how to move forward rather than sit in the sadness of it all.

Look for Opportunities

You will need to look for opportunities within military life. They are out there. Maybe that means learning a new skill during a deployment, or getting to know a duty station you didn’t think you would like. Maybe it means getting creative or stepping out of your comfort zone.

At the end of the day, we will not be able to control as much as we could if we were not married to a service member, but we can still work on our own goals. We might have to let certain things go, but we can also find a good balance between the military and our own lives.

If you are new to military life, all of this can feel overwhelming. It can feel as if you don’t have any control over your life. But coping with a lack of control as a military spouse and finding your way will remind you that you are more capable than you think you are.

Know an Amazing Military Kid? Here’s How to Honor Them with National Recognition

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Know an Amazing Military Kid? Here’s How to Honor Them with National Recognition

Nominate. Elevate. Celebrate.  

National nonprofit Our Military Kids is asking people across the country to act on those three words to honor the bravery and leadership of military kids by sharing their during the Courageous Kids Contest.  

Our Military Kids offers support and community to children of National Guard, Reserve, and wounded, ill, or injured post-9/11 veteran parents. They do that by distributing activity grants (more on that in a minute!) and hosting the Courageous Kids Contest.  

How to enter 

Here’s exactly what you need to know about the contest. The Courageous Kids Contest is an annual event that celebrates kids during the Month of the Military Child. Nominations are open until March 8.  

Adults are invited to nominate a child or teen who has demonstrated leadership or role model qualities in their communities, activities, and/or within their families in the past year, while also having a parent who: 

  • Deployed with the National Guard or Reserve in 2025, OR 
  • Received care for a post-9/11, combat-related injury, illness, or wound in 2025 

Contest winners are announced in April and receive a cash prize, prizes from GOVX, a certificate, and national recognition. 

Applying for activity awards 

Let’s talk about Our Military Kids’ activity awards, too. Applications are available year-round for eligible military families. Each child in a family can receive a grant worth up to $300 to help them participate in an activity of their choice—like swimming lessons, indoor drumline, tutoring, or Little League. The grants allow kids to enjoy a passion, gain confidence, create special memories, and build onto their existing support system without an increased strain on family finances.  

The impact is huge. In the 22 years of Our Military Kids’ existence, they’ve distributed more than 100,000 activity awards, investing in thousands of military kids. Just like the Courageous Kids Contest, the activity awards have a ripple effect across the military and across thousands of communities all over the country. 

Nominate a military child today 

National Guard, Reserve, and wounded veteran families can often feel disconnected from the military and civilian communities. The Courageous Kids Contest offers those families and friends share what life is like for their military kids. It also gives a chance for kids to be elevated and celebrated for their accomplishments, sticktoitiveness, and courage in the face of obstacles and challenges.  

Don’t miss your chance—take a few minutes to complete the short form to nominate your kiddo at ourmilitarykids.org/contest. If you don’t have an eligible military kid to nominate, please share this article with a friend who does. The Our Military Kids team can’t wait to be inspired by the bravery and leadership of this year’s nominated kids and to share their stories with the world. 

Know an Amazing Military Kid? Here’s How to Honor Them with National Recognition

Joanna Guldin is a contract communications professional working with Our Military Kids to support the 2026 Courageous Kids Contest. Joanna has worked in the military community for more than a decade with for-profit and non-profit entities. She is the writer behind one Jo, My Gosh! and is the co-founder of PILLAR, a yearly virtual retreat for military spouses and significant others dealing with their partners’ deployment.  

Taking the Fear out of Friendship

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No one warns you how hard it is to make friends as an adult. I remember the quiet darkness of my first apartment and the loneliness of navigating my first job.

I remember the struggle to meet new people when my budget was tight, my free time was limited, and interesting and recurring activities were hard to find. That experience, however, was a walk in the park compared to the adjustment of being a military wife a few years later.

Over the course of four years, I had established genuine friendships, working relationships with my coworkers, and membership in organizations that filled my cup and brought me joy. Suddenly, that period of stability was uprooted by a move thousands of miles away to Guam, the furthest point away from Virginia that I could possibly think of. My friends and family were a 24-hour, over two-thousand-dollar plane ride away, and calls and texts had to be navigated over a 14-hour time difference. 

It’s been a year and a half since that major transition, and we’re preparing for another international move this summer. While I’m nervous for the change, I’m feeling less afraid this time. I’ve found a community that makes saying goodbye and see-you-later difficult. I know that there will be a period of loneliness and anxiety, but I am hopeful for the friendships that I will build in every new place that we call home. 

If you’re in the same boat, here are some ways that I’ve found success with finding friends.

Work 

Maintaining your career while moving every 2-3 years is challenging, especially if you’re navigating childcare, lengthy deployments, and an industry that is location-specific. As a teacher, I am a bit constrained by state licensing requirements, but I was lucky enough to land a job at a private school during my first year.

Having the same familiar work routine was comforting, and I was lucky enough to have a cohort that included another American who was brand new to Guam. We were both engaged, about the same age, and from similar places, and we began to seek each other out for company. We currently compete in pub trivia every week, have played pickleball, have celebrated Memorial Day with a BBQ, and have celebrated a birthday together. 

Outside of my full-time job, I also wanted the opportunity to work for myself and to build a career that could easily travel with me. I began to teach creative writing classes in the community, and this was a fantastic opportunity to collaborate with and meet groups and business owners with similar interests. It pushed me outside of my comfort zone and led to some meaningful coffee conversations. 

Volunteering

Ever since I was in college, volunteering has been an easy way to meet new people and to build and develop a variety of skills. The only cost is my time, but the payoff of making a difference and getting to interact with like-minded people is immense.

On-base opportunities like the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society, spouses’ clubs, and the USO offer easy access for spouses who want to get more involved with their military community, and animal shelters, food pantries, environmental cleanups, and arts nonprofits are always looking for assistance off-base. If you’re missing the routine of a full-time job, volunteering can help you to maintain and develop many similar skills on your own schedule, and that flexibility can be essential in an often unpredictable life. 

Facebook is Your Friend

The spouse Facebook groups in Guam have been lifesavers, helping me get my questions answered and find events to attend. I’ve seen many spouses post “friendship applications” sharing their interests and a desire to make new friends, and threads about local events have helped me find other helpful Facebook groups.

For example, someone shared a book club that has since become one of the highlights of my month. From scuba diving to running to crafting to reading, there’s been a meet-up planned for every interest, and online communities are a great way to advertise and learn about them. I recently posted about my interest in organizing reading and writing meetups at local coffee shops, and I’m so excited to meet women with similar interests. 

Be Part of the Village

The saying “it takes a village” rings true in military communities, but it’s essential to be an active participant yourself. My husband’s coworkers have invited us over for BBQs and kids’ birthday parties, and we have, in turn, worked to share the love. Whether it’s baking cookies for the office, helping to cook for brunch, or inviting others to join us for a meal or local event, we’ve grown closer by showing up.

Saying yes to invitations and extending your own invitations goes further than you think towards cementing friendships. Remember, most people are also far from their friends and families, so having the chance to watch a football game or meet up at the park for a playdate or share coffee together is often a very welcome proposal. 

Pursue Your Passions

In doing what you love, you’ll naturally find other people who share that interest. Whether you’re in your church’s choir, a new member of a running club, or just reading in a coffee shop, odds are there will be other people doing the exact same thing who are also hoping to make friends. It can be intimidating and scary to start a conversation with a stranger, but I always remind that the worst someone can say is “no,” and then I’m right back where I started. 

Katie McDonald is a Navy wife, and she and her husband are currently stationed in Guam. After 5 years as an English teacher, Katie is currently working as a freelance writer and enjoys writing about books and travel.. https://www.katiereads.com/

Want to write a guest post??? Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life is looking for guest posts! Have something interesting you want to write about the military spouse community? Have advice for new military spouses? Want to share about your duty station? Want to share your story? 

 If so…please fill out my Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Guest Post Form here! 

6 Smart Tips for Your First Deployment Day

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We learned from the last time and decided to drop my husband off a few hours before he would have to leave. I didn’t want to stick around until the last moment. We hugged, we kissed and took some videos. Knowing full well that our boys would be that much older when he would see them again. Knowing that we would both grow and change as people, on our own and thousands of miles away from each other.

One last hug, one last kiss. I put the boys in the car, I turned to the back seat and told them, “We got this. We totally got this.” And then, I drove away, leaving my husband in the background, knowing that this deployment would be another challenging period of time our family would have to endure.

The day you drop off your spouse will stay with you for the rest of your life. The last hug, the last kiss, the last touch, the goodbye, watching them walk away from you. Watching them disappear not knowing when you will see them again or what life will be like when you do.

What can you do on this deployment day? How can you get through it?

Plan the rest of the day

Make sure you have plans for after you say goodbye. Go to dinner with friends, order take out and have a movie night, go for a long walk or even do something normal like go grocery shopping. If you need to, go home and cry. That’s okay too. Just know that the first day is going to be a shock to your system. It’s not going to seem real and getting through the first part of a deployment is going to take some time.

Find friends

Make a list of friends you can call during your deployment. Who do you want to get together with? Who do you want to spend your time with? Who can you depend on? Start making plans with them and have a backup plan in case of emergencies. If you don’t have any friends where you live, make plans to find some. Go to local groups, attend FRG meetings and try to get out and be social, at least every few days. If you have a long-distance friend you can count on, give them all call and let them know the deployment has started. They can be there for you too.

Fill your calendar

You should have a rough idea about how long the deployment is going to be. Know that the dates can change, and by quite a few months sometimes too. However, if you can plan out the months they will be gone, you will feel better about the time they are away. Plan a trip, sign up for a class, start a new hobby and connect with your community. Find out about local events and sign up for any group that looks interesting to you.

Make goals

The first day they are gone is a good time to make your deployment goals if you haven’t already. What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to work on? Do you want to become a reader? Repaint your home? Go back to school? Having these goals to work through will help you stay busy and accomplish things when your spouse is deployed.

You can cry

Some of us cry more than others. That’s okay. It might be the smallest of things that cause the water works to come. That’s okay too. You will probably want to cry a lot that first day and into the next. That is okay and normal. Crying is our bodies way of getting out the sadness and most of the time, the day after a good cry is a much better deployment day.

Buy your favorite meal

Treat yourself to your favorite meal. Make something ahead of time, order food to go or even take yourself out to eat. Having a nice meal on your more difficult days can be a good way to get through them. Since the first day they are gone is going to be the most difficult, having something good to eat will be comforting to you. Figure this out ahead of time so you have a plan when you drop them off.

Remember that not every deployment day is going to be as hard as that first day was. Some days will be good, others will take you down but remember, deployments do not last forever and somehow you will get through. Whether the deployment is just a few weeks, a few months or over a year, you will have a homecoming date to look forward to.

If your spouse just left for a deployment, you can use my Guide to the First 30 days of a deployment by signing up for my mailing list!

Make it Through That Last Week of a Deployment

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Make it Through That Last Week of a Deployment

The deployment begins, and you get into a routine. You have good deployment days and bad deployment days. Then, you hit a slump. Still, so many months left to go. Still, so many more deployment days to get through. Then, you get a homecoming date.

If you have been through a deployment before, you know this date will change. At the same time, you know that simply having a date is a good sign. It means things are wrapping up. It means you are getting close to the end of a deployment.

Having that date means that there is probably a unit ready to replace your spouse’s unit. It means that boxes from the desert will start to appear on your doorstep and it means that you will be told to no longer send any mail.

All these signs together are good ones that tell you, the military spouse, that your deployment days are coming to an end.

And then, somehow, someway, you have made it, and you have one week left of the madness. One week left of sleeping alone. One week left of being both mom and dad to your children.

That last week of deployment isn’t going to be easy. Even though you are at the end, even though you can now countdown in hours, that last week will drive you crazy.

The last week of your deployment

You are almost there. You are almost done but not quite. You are almost to the end of a deployment.

You still have to wait. Through flight changes, weather scares, and anything else that might get in your way.

Your mind will play tricks on you, worried that things will change and they will get extended. You worry about what things will be like when they get back home. You wonder how your children will do and what your spouse will think of the changes you have made during the time they have been away.

That last week will be exhausting. You might not be able to sleep. You might not even want to eat. You will clean your home and then clean it again, forgetting that your spouse isn’t going to care if it passes a white glove test.

You will want time to fly and yet feel like you are not going to be ready for the day they come home.

That last week is a weird time as you run around getting everything done and also counting down the seconds until you see your spouse again.

The last week of your deployment

You will be asking a friend to come with you to take photos or booking a photographer. You will be finalizing your homecoming outfit. You will be wondering what to have on hand for that first meal together or wonder if it would be best to stop for food on the way home from picking them up.

You will reflect on the months they were away. On the memories, you made without them. On the friendships, you developed. You will start to think about how your friendships will in fact change once your spouses are back home, especially if one of you is supposed to PCS sometimes soon after homecoming.

You will look at your children and remember how little they were when their mom or dad left.

You will wonder what life will be like parenting in person again and what fun things your family can do together now, as a full family.

You will look back and see how strong you have been. You will see the months that went by, the long deployment road you walked along, sometimes crawled along to get yourself to the finish line.

You might be worried that your spouse will come home different. That your already rocky marriage might not survive reintegration. You are not sure if you will go through with that divorce or seek the counseling you think that you need.

For some, that last week of deployment is a terrifying time when you are just not sure what life will be like, and that scares you. The truth is, reintegration can be the hardest part of a deployment, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. You have changed, they have changed, and now you need to work together to get started on the post-deployment chapter of your lives.

Deployments are a part of military life. They start, then they end, and all the time in between is you figuring out how to get through them, even if that is taking it one day at a time.

You can find more deployment posts here! 

The Joys of the Modern Military Spouse Life

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The Joys of the Modern Military Spouse Life

Thank goodness for grocery delivery. It’s a blessing! Not only for myself but for all the parents with small children, going through a deployment, who loathe having to take their kids to the grocery store with them.

I have been there so many times. Put the baby in my baby carrier, put a toddler in the cart, hoping they won’t open anything, and make your older child walk beside you. Going to a grocery store with all your kids is a big chore. And it isn’t very fun.

But, thanks to modern life, you no longer have to if you don’t want to. Your spouse can be deployed for a year and you might never have to attempt the grocery store with kids the whole time they are gone.

This got me thinking, what else is different about being a military spouse today, versus in the past? What else has changed to make life a little easier for us? What should we celebrate, even in the midst of hard deployment days?

Communication

Communication has changed so much. Way back in World War II, the only way my grandparents communicated with each other was through letters on paper, sent across the ocean in the mail, only to be delivered weeks later. I have some of these letters and they really are so sweet to read, but just imagining that those letters were it, as far as communication went, is hard to wrap my mind around.

We can get frustrated when we can’t talk to our spouse all the time, but at least we can talk to them, on the phone, in real time. Or we can video chat. Or even send an email.

Even during my time as a military spouse things have changed. During our first two deployments, if my husband called, he called our house phone and would have to leave a message if I wasn’t home. These days, I basically carry him in my pocket if he is away from home.

And amazing as all this communication is, I think when we can’t communicate this way, we can get even more frustrated. We expect to talk every day, text every day, communicate every day, and when we can’t, that can be frustrating.

Try to remember how things used to be and how far we have come, even if you are going a few days without talking to your spouse.

Social Media

Back in the day, you made friends in person. Only in person. If you moved somewhere new, you couldn’t join a community ahead of time online. There was no online.

When I was 16 years old, my dad came home with a free trial of CompuServe. This was my very first experience with the internet. Of being on a computer, and connecting with other, real people, in other parts of the country, and even the world. My mind was blown.

These days, I carry that technology in my pocket. I am closer to some friends I met online than to some of my family members, simply because of social media. If a friend moves away, we can still easily keep in touch, and I talk over text with my best friend all day long.

Social media has really changed everything and there is no turning back. And while there are some issues with social media in general, social media can help me make friends, stay connected with the people I care about and learn more about any subject I am interested in.

Social media is life changing, and for us military spouses, a way to really connect with others, in ways we otherwise might not be able to.

Military Spouse Culture

Military spouse culture has also changed over the years. You no longer have to be a stay at home mom, just because your spouse joined the military. You no longer have to fit in a specific box.

You can figure out ways to work on your own career while your spouse is working on theirs. While there is still so much that can be done, military spouse employment can still be a huge issue, we have come a long way.

In addition to the military spouse employment issues, military spouses are more diverse than they have ever been before. We don’t all fit into the same mold. Not every military spouse is a woman and not every military spouse is married to a man. There is no one way to be a military spouse, all that is required is to love a service member.

We can be nostalgic about the past, sometimes those years can seem so romantic or easier than our modern life, but there is something to the way technology has changed, and the way people are treated, that makes me excited to be a military spouse in today’s world.

Even in the 13 years I have been a military spouse, things have changed. Through the little things, my life has become a little bit easier. And that is something to be excited about.

What is your most favorite modern convenience when it comes to your military spouse life?

The Blessing Of A Military Marriage

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The Blessing Of A Military Marriage

I do a lot of reflecting sometimes. I have always kept a journal and I like to think about where we have been as a couple and a family and where we are going. We have had to make a lot of choices over the years.

When to have kids. To move across the country. To join the military. To buy a house. To stay in Tennessee. To join the National Guard.

Sometimes it is way too easy to look back and think we shouldn’t have made certain choices. However, I don’t like to look at my life like that. Is it possible we made bad choices in the past? Yes. Does that mean the rest of our lives are messed up? No.

One of the biggest life-changing choices we made was for my husband to re-enlist in the military at age 30. It was something that we talked about for months beforehand. We had no idea what life would be like as a military family.

As I think back over the last 18 years as a Military spouse, I think in the end there have been many blessings in our marriage because of military life. Don’t get me wrong. Would I have preferred to have a husband who had never left us? Perhaps, but that wasn’t how life has been for us. 

For the last 18 years, we have said goodbye to each other too many times to count. I have been in solo parenting land off and on and that gets to me. I never thought I would be parenting alone so much of the time. This life hasn’t been easy.

But at the end of the day, there are blessings in a Military marriage.

We know what missing our spouse is like. Can you imagine never missing your spouse? I can’t.

I am not sure what that would be like? After so much time in this lifestyle, I can’t even wrap my mind around never having to miss him.  

I think missing someone can grow the relationship in a way nothing else can. If your spouse is gone and you don’t miss them at all, what does that say? It tells you something isn’t quite right. It tells you that there is probably a reason why you don’t and you and your spouse need to figure it out.

Homecomings can be the highlight of our Military experience. The feeling you get when you see your spouse again is hard to explain unless you have been through a long separation. Knowing that the months of waiting and worrying has come to a close and knowing you will finally be back in each other’s arms can be the spark that your marriage needs.

Watching your spouse in their uniform can be inspiring. You know they are doing something good in the world and you are there to support them through the mission. Knowing that you and your spouse are a part of history, and working to make the world a better place is a good feeling. There is just something about feeling that way that can help your marriage thrive.

I remember during one of our R&Rs my husband told us that through these deployments we will become that much stronger. I think this is the case for us but I know the reality that it isn’t always the case. I think deployments either make you stronger as a couple or can cause you to break.

If you are new to military life and are worried a bit about your marriage, keep in mind that there are blessings of a Military marriage. As hard as the lifestyle might be, they are there if you look for them. Hopefully, over the years, you will be able to look back and see them. I know we have.

How do you feel that the military has blessed your marriage?

Embracing Strength and Love: 20 Inspirational Quotes for Military Spouses During Deployment

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Embracing Strength and Love: 20 Inspirational Quotes for Military Spouses During Deployment

One of the biggest things you can do for yourself during deployment is figure out what you can tell yourself when you hit a low point. Little reminders, quotes, and inspiration can go a long way in helping you get through this time apart. There is something about reminding yourself why you can do this, or even how you can make it through can turn your deployment day around.

If you need some ideas, here is a list of 20 inspirational quotes for military spouses to use during deployment.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“In the face of adversity, we have a choice. We can be bitter, or we can be better.” – Maya Angelou

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” – Henry Ford

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“It always seems impossible until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela

“Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.” – Charles R. Swindoll

“Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean

“Success is not about the destination; it’s about the journey.” – Zoë Saldana

“Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.” – Roy T. Bennett

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” – Jimmy Dean

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” – Vivian Greene

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.” – Dolly Parton

“No matter how much it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize your struggles changed your life for the better.” – Unknown

“Challenges are what make life interesting. Overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” – Joshua J. Marine

“Out of difficulties grow miracles.” – Jean de La Bruyère

“You have within you right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you.” – Brian Tracy

“If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.” – H.G. Wells