Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military life

The Rocky Road Ahead For a Military Spouse

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The Rocky Road Ahead

She is standing there, looking at the rocky road ahead, unsure what is next and what the future will look like. Such is the life of a military spouse.

He got his orders and is packing his bags, how are we doing this again? How is it time?

She promises she will be strong, she has done this before, she can do it again. She will conquer this rocky road ahead.

He has heard the rumors, but now he knows they are true.

She will be leaving soon, a few months earlier than they thought. How will he make it through this deployment? The one he thought he would be prepared for, but now feels like it never will be. That rocky road ahead.

As military spouses around the world know, there is good and there is bad when it comes to military life. There are the highs and there are the lows. There are easier times and times when it feels like the road is a little too rocky. When it feels like it is a little too much to endure.

We do what we can when we are faced with this rocky road. We depend on our friends and hope and pray they will understand all the emotions we might have in the next few months.

We work to stay busy but sometimes even that isn’t enough. And sometimes the busy is what causes the stress, and we have to pull back. We have to work to find that balance that seems almost impossible to find.

We pull the tools we have used in the past out of our deployment tool kit and pray they will work again. And sometimes they do. And sometimes they don’t.

We want to believe we can get through anything, truly anything that rocky road brings, but somedays we are unsure we can.

We take the good and the bad and hope that overall we can smile more than shed tears. We hope that we can laugh more than feel defeated. We hope that we can depend on one another when times get a little too hard.

Whether you are a brand new military spouse or a more seasoned one, we all feel that pit in our stomachs, when the orders come, when the date fall, when the buses leave.

We miss them when they are gone, but also understand why they had to go. We make plans to enjoy the time apart but hope that time goes by quickly and doesn’t drag on too much.

As military spouses, we are presented with that rocky road ahead so many times. It might be looking an overseas PCS in the face, or it might be a deployment that came out of nowhere. It might be struggling with a loss in the family, or trying to find your way back after a difficult season.

As military spouses, we also know that we can find the strength to get to the other side. We know that we have done it before, as so many others have done too. We know that we might need to take it one day at a time, but that soon enough we will be at the end, ready for the next season of our lives.

What is your biggest military spouse struggle? What do you do when you are faced with it?

The Ups and the Downs of Military Life

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The Ups and the Downs of Military Life

My military spouse life today looks completely different than it did back 15-16 years ago. For one thing, back then, my husband was active duty Army, and we were stationed in Germany. What was going on in the world, and Iraq and Afghanistan at the time were very different than what is going on today.

Technology was a bit different too. We didn’t have as much access to our service members when they were deployed, and it was harder to connect with them overseas.

I still experience the ups and downs of military life. The back and the forth. The good and the bad.

When your spouse first joins the military, or you marry a service member, military life can be a big shock to the system. For some things change a lot. You go from a civilian spouse coming home at 5 on the dot to a deployment. You can go from your parent’s house to your own house halfway around the world. Military life comes with a lot of changes.

But we spouses, we adapt, we have to.

We work to find community. We try to find people we can connect with. We don’t want to go through all of this alone.

We hit the speed bumps, which can really throw us off if we don’t see them coming. We know they might be ahead but we can lie to ourselves and pretend they won’t affect us. But then they do. And we can feel pretty sad about it all.

But then things change. Life changes. Things get easier, if only for a little while.

You might PCS to a new duty station, closer to home. A deployment might get canceled, or you meet someone you click with so well, that you know you will always have each other’s back.

When that happens, you start to feel like you can do it. You can rock whatever comes at you. And you know what? That’s such a wonderful feeling.

But it is okay if that feeling doesn’t last. Because sometimes this military life can be so hard.

I have learned over the years that I have to take care of myself, no matter what is coming my way. I have to find those times for self-care, even within the crazy. I have to find friends to be with and talk with. I have to balance my life so that I don’t become too overwhelmed.

And after all these years, I am still tweaking things. I am still figuring out what works best and how to get through time away from my husband or any other military struggle that comes up.

If you are new to military life, you may be feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything you have to deal with.

From TRICARE to PCSing, from the MWR to DEERS. There is so much to know.

The reality is you don’t have to know everything right now. You will learn over time and you will figure out how best to get through this life.

So many military spouses have come before you and will help you on your journey.

There are so many resources out there, from organizations like Blue Star Families offering different events to companies like MilSpouse Conversations offering places to connect and talk with each other. I also have blog posts on topics such as deployments, PCSing, and more.

If you are new to military life, know that there will be ups and downs in this lifestyle. Not every day will be good but not every day will be bad either. And those really bad days? You will figure out ways to get through them. To get to a better place.

What helps you get to a better place when you are feeling down?

If you are in the San Diego area, come to the Spill THEE Tea – Conversations with a milspouse panel sponsored by Blue Star Families on September 8th, 2022 from 6-8 pm PT. Sign up here.

My Experience as a Hispanic Military Spouse

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My Experience as a Hispanic Military Spouse

How I Learned English and Thrived

La Isla del Encanto. Have you heard of that place? It is a small island in the Caribbean. Puerto Rico is a paradise with captivating beauty and culture. The home where I spent the first 19 years of my life. During my teenage years, I often told my parents that I was never leaving my home, my community, or my country. Learning English at school was a struggle, and I was not interested in making an effort. I thought it was pointless. Ironically, after high school graduation, my boyfriend joined the U.S. Air Force; and you can probably guess what happened after that. I left my family, my home, and my country. 

Not even in my wildest dreams would I have thought of living on the other side of the world. But, you guess again, my new home was not in the United States but in Japan. Have you watched Men in Black II? In the final scene, Agent K calls Agent J a rookie and kicks a door open. Agent J is shocked to find out that the world as he knows it is just a part of something bigger. That is how I felt when I arrived in Okinawa, my husband’s first duty station. 

Soon enough, I regretted my past lack of effort in learning English. Speaking with others was not only challenging but nerve-wracking. It is accurate to say it was impossible. Keeping up with the speed at which people spoke was difficult. It did not help that I would try to translate everything from English to Spanish in my mind. I could not understand a word or form a sentence, for that matter. I was frustrated and lacked confidence. So what did I do? 

I enrolled in an online university to continue my education. My first class was English. This time, I was determined to learn; and I did, but it was challenging every day. I know completing my school work took longer just because of the language barrier. Countless tears, sleepless nights, and six years later, I earned my B.A. in Psychology from Penn State University. During those six years, I moved three times and had two children. It has been ten years since I became a military spouse, and I have learned many lessons. 

From mistakes I made to things I would do differently, this is my advice: 

● Prioritize wellness. Seek professional support sooner than later. 

● Choose approach over avoidance. 

● Do not isolate yourself. 

● Take your time but do it. 

● Everything takes practice. Take the first step. 

● Find resources! There are many now. 

● Ask for help; there are kind and caring people out there. 

● Get social and take advantage of social media platforms. 

● Stay connected to family and friends. It is still possible when you are far.

● Keep a balance.

● Do not compare yourself to others; follow your path.

● Believe in yourself. 

I wish you the best in this challenging and incredible journey!

Here are more resources that I have found useful:

Written by guest writer, Lourdes Gonzalez!

Where You Go, I Will Go: Lessons From a Military Spouse by Victoria Terrinoni 

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This post contains affiliate links!

Do you know what I love the most? Hearing military spouse stories! I feel like we can all learn from one another. We have been through so many similar situations, and we can relate to what we have all gone through.

We can learn so much from military spouses that have come before us. They all have wisdom to offer us and we can learn so much from their own experiences.

Where You Go, I Will Go: Lessons From a Military Spouse by Victoria Terrinoni is the story of a 31-year military spouse. Victoria talks about everything she experienced over the years, from all their moves to deployments, to her feelings about retirement and living in their post-military house.

Victoria sent me her book for review and I just loved everything she brought to the book. We get to hear her story and she also gives us little lessons based on what the chapter was about.

If you are new to military life and wonder what the years might bring, Victoria can give you a picture. Through her story, you can learn about what you might experience and how you can truly thrive during this life.

And if you are a more seasoned spouse, I am sure you will be able to relate to many of her stories and lessons learned over the years.

From Amazon:

Your significant other just announced they joined the military. After getting over the shock, you have questions, lots of questions.

What is it like living in the military?

What happens when my spouse deploys?

How do I handle moving all the time?

This honest and insightful book will give you an inside look at a military spouse’s life and help you navigate the system. Readers will learn the joys and pitfalls of being married to the military.

The writer dispels some myths about the military lifestyle and highlights the lessons learned along the way. This book will help you figure out what you can do to combat the loneliness you feel every time you move to a new place. How lost you feel trying to deal with a totally different system than anything else you’ve dealt with before. It also helps you learn to use military-speak, a language of its own.

Where You Go, I Will Go takes you on the author’s 31-year journey as a military spouse to show you are not alone in this. She also points out her biggest mistakes, so you don’t make them as well.

Where You Go, I Will Go gives you the basics you need to:

  • · See how a move is supposed to go and how they actually turn out.
  • · What to do to ease your child’s confusion with these life changes.
  • · Where to go for support, especially during a deployment.
  • · What do all those acronyms mean?

By reading this book, you will find lessons to help you throughout your military career while getting an insider’s view of the fun times and the hard times of military life.

What’s stopping you from learning the ropes from someone who has been there?

You can purchase your own copy on Kindle or in paperback on Amazon.

To the Gold Star Spouse…

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I see you. I see you sitting there, trying to hold everything together. I see you, wondering how you are sitting where you are. Wondering how this could be your new normal.

Your pain is probably indescribable right now. You lost him, and one of your worst fears came true. And now you are here, ready for the ceremony to begin.

Your children are by your side, they are too young to understand, or maybe they are not too young? Maybe they will remember this day, the day to honor their daddy.

You start to think about what you will tell them about this day, about what happened, about how things used to be. You will tell them about the stories he used to read, about the jokes he used to make. You will tell them about how you two met, your first date, and the day he asked you to be his.

You feel your family and friends surrounding you, but you know they will never truly understand what you are going through. You wish you could explain, but you can’t, and hope that someday, maybe you will.

The past week has been unreal, and you feel like your life is unraveling. What your life uses to be will no longer be. Everything changed and you know that your life will always have a line down the middle it, before and after.

As the ceremony begins, you thought you would be able to make it through but you break down and are immediately surrounded by hugs from your family. Everyone watching wants to take the pain away, even if there is no way to do that for you.

Music is played, and the traditions begin, and still, you can’t believe you are here. You try to listen to what is being said but all you can think about is your husband, and how many of the things about him you will miss.

And then it is time, time for the part you saw in pictures plenty of times, the part you never really thought you would have to endure. A man in a uniform is standing in front of you, he hands you something and for one second you think he shouldn’t be, that this is all a mistake, that this all really isn’t happening.

“On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Army, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.”

And you take the flag and know in your heart how much of a hero your husband was, but you also know that knowing that won’t stop the pain.

As then it is over, the ceremony is over and your friends and family are there to mourn with you. You hear stories about a friend of his you had never met before but knew him during one of his deployments. You see a friend you only knew casually through playgroup, who just wants to give you a hug. You see his father break down, and know that he is dealing with the loss of his son, as only a father does.

As you get in the car, with your son by your side, your daughter in front with her own parents, you wonder how you will ever move on from this. Life has changed forever, and nothing will ever be the same.

So, to the Gold Star Spouse, know that no matter where you go or where you are, the military community has your back. We care and we mourn and we wish you didn’t have to go through this. We aren’t always sure what to say and maybe we will say something stupid but we know that your husband died a hero and he will always be in our hearts.

We will think of him always, of the jokes he told, of the smiles he gave, of the way he talked about you and his family. We will remember him when we think of his bravery and we will never forget the sacrifice he made for his country.

We will think and pray for you often, for your children and we will celebrate small wins with you as you figure out your way through this new normal.

We will tell you, “thank you for your husband’s service” and do our best to honor him through the years, in whatever way we can.

Here is a list of resources to help support Gold Star Spouses and Families:

“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” – Helen Keller

Veteran Homebuyers: A Guide to the Home Buying Process

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Veteran Homebuyers: A Guide to the Home Buying Process

The transition from military life to civilian life can be difficult, especially if you’re looking to buy a home for the first time. However, the government has provided options that will make your home buying process easier and cheaper. Here are a few tips to guide you through buying your first property as a veteran.

Consider a VA Loan

A Veteran Affairs (VA) loan is a type of military loan that mortgage lenders give to qualified veterans, active service members, and spouses. This loan is sponsored by the Department of Veteran Affairs. A VA loan offers flexibility and lower requirements such as little to no down payment, lower requirements on credit scores, low-cost mortgages, and lower interest rates. Since they make credit requirements lower, they’re considered non-conventional loans. The VA doesn’t issue this loan, but they decide if you qualify for it and determine who is the best lender for you. 

Even though the benefits are great, you may not qualify for a VA loan. It’s important to know the qualifications for it and prepare your finances if you don’t align with the requirements qualify. Below are the qualifications you need to apply for this loan:

  • Served 181 days of active service during peacetime.
  • Served 90 consecutive days of active service during wartime.
  • Served more than 6 years of service with the National Guard or the National Reserve or 90 days under Title 32 with at least 30 of those days being consecutive.
  • Are the spouse of a service member who lost their life in the line of duty or as the result of a service-connected disability. You generally cannot have remarried, although there are exceptions.

Chose the VA Loan that Suits You

There are several types of VA loans that you can qualify for. It’s important to choose the one that is the best fit for you and your family. Here are a few types of VA loans and their benefits:

VA Purchase Loan

A VA purchase loan is the most common type of mortgage that can be obtained through a VA loan. This loan helps you purchase a home with no down payment, and has better terms and interest rates than other loans offered by private lenders like mortgage companies, banks, or credit unions. However, terms vary by lender, and this type of VA loan is not available from all lenders.

VA Cash-Out Refinance

A VA cash-out refinance loan allows you to take cash out of your home equity, and use it to pay off your debt, medical bills, school fees, home improvements, or refinance a non-VA loan into a VA-backed loan. This option is available to both borrowers with and without present VA loans, and it can be used as a rate-and-term refinance if desired.

VA Interest Rate Reduction Refinance Loan (IRRRL)

A VA IRRRL, also known as “VA streamline refinance,” helps you reduce your monthly mortgage payments or creates stability by switching to a fixed interest rate rather than one that changes over time. When deciding whether or not to pursue this option, borrowers should evaluate their closing fees.

VA Native American Direct Loan (NADL)

If you are a Native American veteran or happen to be married to a Native American, you may be eligible to obtain a Native American Direct Loan. This loan allows you to buy, build, or improve a home on federal trusted land. Qualified borrowers can also refinance a current NADL loan to obtain a lower interest rate. Some benefits of this include, limited closing costs, and private mortgage insurance.

It’s imperative to consider which VA loan suits your household needs before investing in your loan. Also, make sure you obtain this loan with a lender that understands these options and can provide favorable rates.


Prepare All Required Documents

As a veteran, you will need certain documents ready before applying for your loan and mortgage. These documents include the Certificate of Eligibility (COE), DD Form 214, and other general information.

The COE document verifies the length of your service to confirm that you qualify to your mortgage provider. It’s important to get this document from the VA through eBenefits early, even though you won’t need to show it at the beginning of the loan process. It’s best to have this document ready to make this process go as swift as possible.

DD Form 214 is a document that confirms your military discharge. Using the eVetRecs filing system, you can request your DD Form 214 electronically.

The General Information you may need for this includes tax returns and W-2s from the past two years, recent pay stubs, bank and investment statements, any rental history you may have, an employment verification letter, and a copy of your driver’s license.

To further expedite this process and reduce stress, we recommend getting pre-approval on your mortgage and all loan-associated documents organized ahead of time. The earlier you start these preparations, the less stressed and more excited you will be throughout this milestone achievement. From there, you can finally start house hunting to find the best home that fits your budget and your preferences.

Purchasing a home is a significant investment toward your future and can lead to some anxiety within a family. It can be challenging for anyone, but especially for veterans if they don’t entirely understand their potential benefits. Make sure you take advantage of all available benefits and resources. This is a huge commitment that will always be remembered so make it worthwhile.

It’s Okay Military Spouse, It’s Really Okay, I Have Been There

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It's Okay Military Spouse, It's Really Okay, I Have Been There

When you first became a military spouse, you may have wondered how in the world you were going to one, figure everything out, and two, get through everything you would have to get through. You might look to other more seasoned military spouses and wondered what their journeys might have been like and if they can all relate to what you are going through.

The truth is, while we might all have our own military paths, we military spouses can relate to one another. We have been through hard things. We have had to figure out how to become more independent than we may have ever thought we would have to be. We had to get creative sometimes and figure out ways to make it through.

If you are a new military spouse, or maybe going through something new during military life that scares you, know that it’s okay Military Spouse, it’s really okay and I have been there.

I have waited months and months to see my husband because of paperwork.

I have given birth without my husband in the same country.

I have missed best friends getting married and having babies because of the Army.

I have had to say goodbye to my husband more than once not knowing if I would ever see him again and if I did if he would be the same person that I married.

I have had to watch as friends got that knock. The one that changed their lives forever.

I have had to watch friends as the husband they loved and adored become a completely different person because of PTSD and decided he no longer wanted to be with them or their children anymore.

I have said goodbye to friends that have become like family to me and know I might not ever see them again.

I have had to sit and wonder during a blackout knowing that my husband was probably okay but also not knowing why the blackout was going on.

I have sat with a group of wives while our children played and we tried to figure out how we would get through the next 3-4 months of a deployment that was supposed to have ended the month before.

I have been through the lonely nights, the jealousy of knowing our civilian friends have never had to go longer than a few days without their spouses, of being mom and dad to the kids, of comforting sad children that just want their Dad at a soccer game.

I have been through the situations that come with military life and although going through them made me a stronger person, I do wonder what I would be like if I hadn’t had to deal with all of this. I wonder if some of my struggles and what I personally have to work on are because of the years of war and I am not really sure what I can do with all of that.

Because life as a military spouse is up and down.

Because life as a military spouse is so much harder than anyone could ever predict.

Because life as a military spouse can be filled with so many twists and turns, ones that you might never have thought about before.

So if you are a military spouse feeling alone, like you are not the only one. You are not.

If you feel like your emotions are all over the place…know that so many of us have been through that too.

If you feel like you aren’t cut out for this life, know that so many of us have felt that too, wondering how all of it will play out.

If you feel like you are hanging on the edge, reach out for help, to other military spouses, organizations, or counselors.

As military spouses, we are asked to sacrifice so much, and that is never going to be easy. As military spouses, we might feel like we are never going to catch a break. As military spouses might feel defeated when we just want to feel strong.

But as a military spouse, something we don’t have to feel is alone.

We are a community, and we can work together to get through the hard stuff and celebrate the good stuff.

We are a community and can help one another out, either at our same duty station, or 1,000 miles away.

We are a community, and each of us loves the service member we decided to spend our lives with, even if it means that hardships will follow.

We take the good and the bad, and figure out how to make this life work.

It’s okay Military Spouse, it’s really okay and I have been there. And so have so many others that have come before. Remember this, and you will never have to walk the military spouse road alone.

Becoming Financially Ready When Your Spouse Leaves the Military

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Becoming Financially Ready When Your Spouse Leaves the Military

No one stays in the military forever. That can be an exciting, but also scary thought, especially if you have spent your adult life in military service, or married to a military member. Transitioning to an after military life is a big change, logistically, emotionally, and financially. Preparing for those challenges can make it easier – but how do you prepare for so much at the same time?

The first step is to recognize that it is a big change. Many military families are so excited for the next chapter of their life that they sometimes forget that there are a million little steps along the process. Communication and organization are key.

Spouses need to talk to each other. A lot. Figure out a way to gather the details of your transition, whether that is a notebook or a spreadsheet, or a checklist. (I have a retirement checklist, and it can be used for ETSing, too.) Take some time regularly to review your list together, and discuss how things are unfolding.

The next step is to identify the big changes that will happen in your unique transition. For some, the biggest parts are moving their family and kids starting a new school. If you’re not moving, the biggest changes for you might be a new job and/or going back to school. Consider the logistical, emotional, and financial aspects of each item.

Now, start to make a list of the things you need to do. Here are some ideas to get you started:

LogisticalEmotionalFinancial
Finding a new jobWriting a resume
Buying interview clothes
Practicing skills
Traveling for interviews		The process can be discouragingLack of income
Cost of interviewing (clothes, travel)
Delay for first paycheck
Moving houseFinding new home
Preparing to move		Balancing loss and excitementSetting up new home
Down payment/security deposit
Starting a new educational programWhat course to takeYou may feel both excitement and anxietyTuition and fees
Childcare
Lost income
Changing your state of legal residencePaperwork
Vehicle inspections
Rewriting wills		Hopefully none, but some people do feel a loss at leaving their “home” stateRegistering vehicles
New drivers licenses
Kids changing schoolsGet transfer packets
Find immunization records
Gather proof of residence		Help kids with sadness, anxiety, and trepidationNew uniforms
Sports team fees


Your list will be different, and probably a lot longer. But you don’t have to do it alone, and you don’t have to do it all at one time.

Start as early as possible in the transition process. Most of us know that we’ll be leaving military life a few years in advance, even if we don’t have an exact date. Take one step at a time, chipping away at your to-do list.

Bring in help whenever possible. Help might be:

  • Your best friend to help you weed through closets and drawers.
  • A family therapist to work through the emotions that come with life changes. (Your installation probably has a Military and Family Life Counselor, or Tricare has very good mental health coverage.)
  • The on-base personal financial educator to help you create a post-military budget.
  • A babysitter to give you time to do things.
  • One of the many military and civilian programs to help veterans create a resume.
  • A home stager to get your house ready to sell

Lastly, I can not emphasize enough: Make sure the service member attends the Transition Assistance Program classes. Twice if possible. If you’re the spouse, try hard to attend also! 97% of the frustrations I hear during transition are things that are covered in TAP. COVID space restrictions have made it hard for spouses to attend in many locations, but the situation seems to be improving. If you can’t get into a physical class, utilize the online version.

Most of all, give everyone some grace in this truly once-in-a-lifetime situation. While you are working through all of this, your spouse is processing their own set of concerns and challenges. Kids may be feeling the pressure, too. If things are tense, step away and let them cool down before tackling the issue in a productive way. Practice self-care, and encourage your loved ones to take care of themselves, too.

For most people, leaving the military is a big project. Just like any other big project, it will go a lot more smoothly if you plan carefully, work with your teammates (aka your spouse and kids), and bring in help when necessary. Then you can get started on your next big adventure!

Kate Horrell is an Accredited Financial Counselor® and personal financial educator who helps the military community make the most of their pay and benefits. She shares the most up-to-date information in understandable terms, and highlights how rules, programs, and laws will directly impact your personal finances. With over 10 years working with thousands of military families, she understands the concerns of currently serving, retired, and veteran families. You can find her at KateHorrell.com.

Want to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life? Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know! I take pieces on anything milspouse related, from deployment tips to duty station reviews.